Husband / In law problems re childcare

[CowandGate2019]

I have been with Dh for 14 years, married 4 and have 8 month old son.
In laws create minor issues other than when they emotionally manipulated dh to buy house on same road using mil terminal illness as leverage. As i was pregnant i was forced to accept this or create war in my home. Since then my respect for in laws has gone n my dislike grown. It also created a permanent crack in my relationship with DH. But i visit in laws for a few hours every week to ensure mil n fil have regular access, send pics n videos and organised trips to the park and zoo.
My current gripe is me n dh agreed son will fo nursery 3 days a week n i will be home 2 days a week once mat leave finishes.
Today dh says we should leave son with inlaws every afternoon. I am livid as it is a big decision and i know they are pressuring and manipulating him again. He is using cost saving as an excuse and says nursery days are too long for a baby but he has enrolled on voucher scheme at work and i am not interested in saving pennies. He also fails to mention his families views on this. Clearly they have spoken about it and agreed in my absence and he is now “working” on me. This is the very reason mil wanted to keep us local.
I refuse to accept this because:

1. I think my son will benefit socially and intellectually from nursery
2. I do not want in laws to have regular time with son in my absence
3. I dislike their approach
4. I will not have childcare support thrown in my face later or made to feel indebted or grateful leading DH to be further manipulated
5. I don't want them to influence my sons way of thinking or behaviour

Please advise what i can do? Am i being unreasonable or selfish? In laws dote on son.

I would say to DH that you are a bit perplexed about his change of heart when you had discussed this as a couple and agreed

I’d also say it would be fantastic if PILs would provide emergency cover if your LO is Poorly and unable to go to nursery but you worry about the commitment and pressure on them to agree to do 3 afternoons a week given MIL is ill. It is a big bind on them if she has regular appointments etc. will your nursery even do half days?

If he is still persistent then time to get firmer. You are his mum and you need to be happy with the care he is getting

How can they look after him if mil terminally ill or was this an exaggeration on there part. Say this to hubby see how he reacts

'We have already discussed and agreed he'll go to nursery. That's the plan and we will be sticking with it. There's no need to save pennies. This plan works for us.'

Hi all
Thank you for the prompt reply.
RainbowQueen- i will defo give your approach a go. Maybe the emergency cover will seem like a compromise for him? Re mils treatment, dh sis is not working and at home and unmarried, no kids and in her early 40s so ready and happy to take over. 🙁.
I need to settle this with dh without causing further issues.

You shouldn’t be pressurised into this if you are not keen. You and your husband are the parents, so your in-laws don’t get to make decisions for you.

However, the first reason you give for wanting your baby to do full days at nursery doesn’t make sense given their young age.

The reality is that nurseries are a necessity for many parents, but their is no added value socially and intellectual for babies.

They don’t socialise with each other. They learn through discovery by exploring their environment. Baby rooms in a nursery offer no better resources than what could be provided at home.

At this age they need consistent care and interaction from adults. Good childcare practitioners can provide this, but so could other caregivers.

Do what works best for you.

You have bigger problems than childcare. Your marriage is a triangle where PIL are equal (or superior?) participants in decisions.

Fuck that.

I have had the same problem. DH needs to cut the cord and be an independent man so he can be a real husband and father.

I recommend relationship counselling.

You need to make decisions together. To the exclusion of all others. PIL do not get a bloody vote, let alone the right to dictate decisions which DH is then charged with selling you on.

Put your foot down. And move if you can.

Good advice from PP. But remember, no is a complete sentence. I'd also pull back on how much effort you're making with them.

Stick to your nursery plan. As you say MiL is terminally ill so does not need the stress of regular child care. Why is the sister not working and still loving at home with her parents in her early 40s? Is this a temporary situation or the norm for her? Seems strange to me, stick to the nursery plan........for your own sanity

I was doing the same thing in terms of the effort I made to include them. It was a mistake. It just built up their sense of entitlement and control.

I recommend slowly reducing the photos, videos, updates, videos etc. just do less and less each week and make it irregular. You are an adult leading a separate life, you don't need to regularly report to them like they are your parole officer.

You need boundaries and distance.

How can i get dh to cut the cord especially with mils illness? I am angry they discussed this and dh pretending his change of heart is due to costs / needs of our child. He did the same with house buy. I wish i cud move as the house is a permanent reminder of the disappointment and hurt i endured during a difficult pregnancy.

I have reduced pics etc but then i feel bad when i see how much joy our baby brings to mil n fil. When they receive bad news re mils health nothing lifts the mood the way in which my sons laughter or crawling does. I feel bad to deny them that but they are constantly pushing for more sneakily. I dont have the physical or mental strength to go to war with dh but i refuse to be pushed on this decision. Dh refuses counselling.

Also sil chooses not to work. Hasnt done for past 7/8 years n has investments to keep her going. She also looks after mil.

If MIL is terminally ill then surely this is too much for them. A baby maybe easy but not a tantruming toddler running around.

I, too, am confused about the nature of a terminal illness that accommodates caring for an infant or toddler every single weekday.

I think you can dress it as faux concern for MIL, that you know she might think she can manage every afternoon but it will tire her more than she realises, and in her fragile state of health that wouldn't be a good thing and you can't let her do that to herself.

You've made a plan and you're going to stick to it. PIL still see a lot of their grandson, it will be fine going forward.

I used to be with a bloke who hadn't had the umbilicus cut from his mum either - it was never more obvious than after we'd bought a house together. I lived there on my own during the week because I worked in that area - he lived with mummy during the week because he worked there, but came up at weekends. So we'd make plans and decisions at the weekend, then he'd go back to his mummy and suddenly next weekend the plans he'd agreed to had flaws, weren't as good, why didn't I do it THIS other way instead?

I KNEW it was her pulling the strings, controlling witch that she was. So I never gave in - she never visited so the only way she would have known was if/when he told her and I didn't much care.

Sounds like you've got a similar problem - best thing is to tell him you know that these ideas are coming from his mother and that YOU are his partner, not her, and YOU and he get to make decisions for YOUR child, not her.

Good luck - but stand your ground, however hard it gets, because if she wins this round you'll find it very hard to forgive either her or your DH, and you'll find it even harder to stand up for yourself next time.

The illness makes it harder, especially if they are emotionally manipulative, it gives them a lot of ammunition.

I suggest getting your husband to agree that parenting discussions and decisions should be between the two of you. No one else. They get to be grandparents and enjoy that experience, but everyone needs to stay in their lane here. You're not cutting them out as grandparents, you're just insisting that parenting decisions are made by the parents and no one else. As they should be!

Then you have a clear rule to fall back on. When they are sticking their nose in- ask him 'is this a parenting issue?'

Childcare = Parenting issue and none of their business (NOTB)
Your return to work =Parenting issue & NOTB
Where child goes to school = Parenting issue & NOTB

Likewise

Whether child would like a ride on toy as a present for Christmas = Grandparent issue
Cute photo or story you would like to share = Grandparents welcome
Shall we all go to the zoo = Grandparents welcome.

I have had the same issue with my DH. He just deferred to his parents in everything and then would come to me and present their opinions as his own. Eventually I cracked it and said I will not be Parenting via committee. They have raised their family, they are done. They don't get a vote in how we raise ours.

He pushed back, argued his parents wishes should be considered. What stopped that argument was when I said 'ok then, if your parents get a vote- how about mine do as well? Oh and my siblings have some thoughts I am sure. Where shall we draw the line? Should I ring up my second cousins and ask them to weigh in too?'

Bowing to his parents was natural to him but he was bloody horrified at the idea of having to take orders from my parents. Which I helpfully pointed out what exactly what he was expecting me to do for his parents time and time again without complaint.

Stand your ground. No on childcare from family. You aren't comfortable with it for a number of incredibly valid reasons.

MIL does not get to hold the family hostage for the duration of her illness. Absolutely be supportive and compassionate and generous to PIL, but not at the expense of your own family unit, independence or peace of mind.

Your DH is a dick for refusing counselling. What reason did he give for this? Your feelings don't matter enough for him to spend one hour feeling uncomfortable? How many uncomfortable hours have you spent with his family for him?

Re; terminal illness, OP has said that SIL will help with the care.

Stick to your guns, OP. If your DH can "refuse" counselling, you too can "refuse" this. Don't let yourself be worked on by him/them.

You need to get tougher in your DH, you need to ensure your mentally strong enough to fight him.

If you don’t he’s going walk all of you.

YABU, grow up. You have been offered more Childcare Support than most can dream off, your issues are your own. Your in-laws are helping out, and you are both parents and are both capable of making decisions.

Projection, much?

Projection, much?

I was just thinking the same. About you.

It depends, when you say that you don't want them to look after them because you don't want your lo spending time with him in your absence is that because you don't trust them? Or you think he won't be well looked after? I felt very possessive of my lo when he was small and unable to communicate and I really struggled with the idea of my inlaws looking after him. But they adored him and I wanted him to enjoy the one-on-one attention he was used to having from me so I conceded to let them look after him. They do things slightly differently from me so it took a while for me feel comfortable but now he's a toddler I can see he has a lovely relationship with them and he's learnt he can do certain things at their house and not at ours. I just set ground rules for some key things and let the little things slide. Plus now he's older he can communicate and say when he doesn't like something they do and they respect him if he says ’put me down’ etc...also because they got time with him on his own it meant the pressure was off for me to have to have to see then outside the times they cared for him which suited me too. I think whatever you choose to do, it's important for your husband to feel like you’ve considered the idea even if you ultimately choose not to go with it. Saying no straight away (and this apples to most requests) often makes the other person feel like you're not considering what they want and that's when things turn into a battle. So maybe for now say you want to think about it. You could even leave your lo with them for a few afternoons as a trial run and then you can always say you tried but dont feel like it's the right thing. It's difficult because I assume your dh loves his parents and there must be quite a lot of emotion involved for him if his mother is terminally ill so I'm sure guilt and some sadness at the thought of his mother not being around in the future plays a part in it for him. Ultimately, you don't have to do anything your not happy with but for the sake of it not doing further damage to your marriage, I think you should try and make your dh feel like you're not just saying no because of previous issues you've had with moving etc...

hmm, I don't know, you have a terminally ill grandmother who dotes on her grandchild hoping to spend some time with her before she dies

If it was me, and this was my DH's mother, I would need some very serious reasons to say no

it seems very, very heartless

I agree with previous posters that your first reason is not a good one

You don't say enough about the rest to judge either way, but I repeat, for me it would have to be some very, very serious concerns about my child's wellbeing, not just a different approach, otherwise I think YABU

Kids' relationships with loving grandparents are an amazing gift, and I often feel that a lot of mothers these days are happy to sacrifice those relationships for rather petty reasons, and frankly, I feel often just out of possessiveness and that most ridiculous "we are our own little family now"

If your MIL has a terminal illness what would happen about childcare if she had an emergency?

I personally found dc settled into nursery better when she started doing full days, and it took two full days a week for her to get used to it and settled, it gave her a routine and she understood what was happening.

I’d just say you’ve already agreed together on the nursery and if there’s a family emergency you’ll be left high and dry with regards childcare. And in this situation you are likely to have an emergency where all focus will rightly be on MIL.

So for continuity of care, and assurance your dc will not be in the way nursery is the best option.

Your DH is probably feeling irrational as he’s seeing his the reality of losing his mum soon. Don’t be too harsh on him for wanting to be near her.

you sound angry OP. They are his family and he loves them and you need to accept that. It does not make you less of a mother. Jesus I'd take that offer of care with open arms.