Husband / In law problems re childcare

[CowandGate2019]

I have been with Dh for 14 years, married 4 and have 8 month old son.
In laws create minor issues other than when they emotionally manipulated dh to buy house on same road using mil terminal illness as leverage. As i was pregnant i was forced to accept this or create war in my home. Since then my respect for in laws has gone n my dislike grown. It also created a permanent crack in my relationship with DH. But i visit in laws for a few hours every week to ensure mil n fil have regular access, send pics n videos and organised trips to the park and zoo.
My current gripe is me n dh agreed son will fo nursery 3 days a week n i will be home 2 days a week once mat leave finishes.
Today dh says we should leave son with inlaws every afternoon. I am livid as it is a big decision and i know they are pressuring and manipulating him again. He is using cost saving as an excuse and says nursery days are too long for a baby but he has enrolled on voucher scheme at work and i am not interested in saving pennies. He also fails to mention his families views on this. Clearly they have spoken about it and agreed in my absence and he is now “working” on me. This is the very reason mil wanted to keep us local.
I refuse to accept this because:

1. I think my son will benefit socially and intellectually from nursery
2. I do not want in laws to have regular time with son in my absence
3. I dislike their approach
4. I will not have childcare support thrown in my face later or made to feel indebted or grateful leading DH to be further manipulated
5. I don't want them to influence my sons way of thinking or behaviour

Please advise what i can do? Am i being unreasonable or selfish? In laws dote on son.

Yeah, how long is MIL expected to be around anyway? If she is terminally ill, even if her illness lasts another couple of years, there'll be plenty of time for nursery (and I'd bet that as the illness progresses, FIL and SIL will be plenty busy with MIL's care, and you'll end up with DS going to nursery anyway).

The main thing I see as an issue with this arrangement is that as MIL's health deteriorates, you may be expected to find a nursery place for your son very quickly.

Can I ask what about their "approach" you dislike?

Meh. Can't actually see the problem. You seem to want to 'punish' them (by using your baby) because your DH has no balls.

You do not sound like you want to punish them at all and this does sound difficult. It sounds best for the child to go to nursery but with regular visits. It’s about what is best for your child and not your in laws.

How about saying to your dh that his family can look after your dc on the afternoons you’re at work, and with the extra money you will save you can move house?

I agree with the PPs who have pointed out if your MIL is terminally ill, his sister and FIL having the responsibility of looking after a baby/toddler 3 afternoons a week is too much for them. They should be able to rightly concentrate on her.

Tell your DH "No" and suggest that on one of the days you have him they can look after him for a couple of hours so you can do things round the house/exercise/whatever. That way if MIL has an emergency you are around.

Will you be doing nursery pick up? I would say it's easier for you to pick up from nursery. My parents are like this, it's so hard but we've had to stand our ground. Just try and stay in control of a level Of contact you are happy and comfortable with. As for your dh, I would be having very Frank words that you know what he's up to and you can't live like it forever so he's going to have to grow up.

Sorry if I have missed something here OP but how come your life is all about what everyone else wants? House move closer to inlaws cos dh wanted it and couldnt say no? Yes you could have
Childcare for your son cos thats what dh wants?
err no,What about what you want?
Stop being brow beaten and controlled by everyone elses demands/ideas/opinions.You get a say too and if you say No then its no.

I'd rather my child be looked after by professionals instead of someone who's parenting has resulted in a mummy's boy and a lazy cow who can't be arsed to get a job or her own house by her 40s.

This sounds like a difficult situation and one to be handled carefully, but considerately.

It does sound like DH's family are being manipulative and not going about this the right way, but also think there are benefits on both sides to their offer of childcare. Not only would agreeing earn you some points, but it would also benefit your baby.

I don't think you should let them have it all their own way though. Negotiate.

How about they have him one day a week?
Make a decision, think how you are going to phrase it and stick to your guns.
Good luck

It was nice to wake up to messages offering advice, support and insight.
I will explain to dh that with mils illness it could cause disruption with babys routine etc but i know he will say he has two sisters that can offer support and his dad.
Re pick up from nursery, it is across the road from mils house.
I know dh struggles to say no to his family even when it goes against his own views. I am angry with him but feel sorry for him too as he has such interfering difficult parents. Where as my parents are the opposite. I think for the first time in 14 years, i have to build myself up to say no. And mean it. The bottom line is i dont trust my pils. I dont like them. They have never accepted me and now cos of the baby they suddenly do. Their behaviour can switch from amazing to nasty and its a volatile situation. What happens if they switch and i then have to stop my son from going to theirs which will cause a bigger rift. His sis is a bitter lonely woman and wants to mother my child and so does my mil. I don't agree with their parenting style and in my absence they will do what they want. Where as a nursery i can instruct them. Finally MIL will not push her needs onto me. If u all knew what i have endured you will be in awe.

God no. Your 8 month old is not responsible for their happiness.

If she's very ill, then regularly being round a baby picking up every cough and cold (and worse) from childcare is not ideal.

In terms of their parenting approach that i dislike its their ability to fake and pretend. Their ability to control and manipulate. I just about manage their behaviour and ways. I can not deal with leaving my son behind and returning to work to people that behave this way and having to deal with their views, their control on a daily basis. In a nursery if i am mot happy with the care, i can switch to a different nursery with no come back. If i instruct them to do or not do something i wont be challenged n dh wont be called. I just about manage to smile and get by with them. I cannot deal with more. 😭

OMG yogcoveredcake thats such a fab reason!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. its a valid one as we so not visit mil if we have a cold due to chemo etc

I’d stick with nursery too. Good luck with the chat.

Nursery is great for kids and whilst other posters say it’s xhilscare when they’re with family and there’s no difference, there is. Babies are engaged with and focused on at nursery, when they’re with family, GENERALLY, they slot into family life and don’t get half the experiences they would have done.

My MIL was very firm in that “we will have DS when you go back to work” I shut it down as that’s not what I want for my child and nursery has been amazing for him.

Perhaps you need to be blunt with your DH that he is choosing them over you like he did with the house, if he does it again then their is no marriage left to save.

Your child does not just 'belong ' to you OP. He also has a father with an equal right to make decisions about his care. The same goes for him. You need to find a compromise.
Half the time with them and half at nursery.
If your husbands mother is dying then of course he would want his mother to enjoy as much time as possible with him. I would want the same for my own child if my mother had a terminal illness.

Fontofknowledge
Where was our joint decision when i was pushed into his mothers choice of house? Would you be so accommodating to his mothers needs then? What about my mils dislike for me? Her sudden change in behaviour towards me since babys arrival makes me even more uncomfortable as i distrust her even more.

OP, you sound very insecure. How would you feel if your DH spoke about your own mother in the way you speak about his?
I feel sorry for him!

Hi OP

Does your chown nursery even do half days before the 3 year funding? Lots dont so I'd check this.

Id also tell your husband all the things nursery do that informal childcare wont. Working to EYFS targets, reports on progress against these targets and plans where these arent met, learning journeys, every day they do gross motor, fine motor, sensory / messy play, outdoor play, small world stuff, speech development, reading time, singing time, quiet time etc. Also learning to share, play with other kids etc. Are your pil going to do all this? How will they cope if mil is ill? Also most nurseries have a minimum number of days a week as kids can take ages and ages to settle at nursery if they only go one day week for example. Also nursery will never cancel last minute due to illness etc

I'd be very upset at him agreeing things with them then 'working on you' - you're the parents and you decide together what is best for your own children

So YANBU to be pissed off or prefer nursery. However from your post I'm not sure of YABU in not wanting your son to be looked after by them as I'm not sure what they do towards your son that you dont like, most of your issues are about how they treat your husband and you. If for example they do things that arent safe with him or fill him up with junk food and let him watch the tablet all day then for enough. If their style is just a bit different and it's more to do with how they treat you then you could maybe compromise at one afternoon a week. For the next year or so he will be eating lunch then napping in the afternoon so they will then only have a couple of hours with him awake

Soontobe60... i am not insecure. I am fighting to stay in my marriage with minimum disruption. If i was insecure i would not organise days out for mil n fil.
Thankfully my family / mother has not behaved in such a manipulative manner so dh has been in the comfy position of not dealing with that. My father is not well but i dont see them conducting themselves unreasonably as a result of it.

Hi amirightorameringue
Thank you for putting ur post together. I am defo taking note of your pros for nursery.
I dont think they will neglect my child. They are doting and loving. It is their sense of ownership towards him which will develop as they are doing us a “favour” and “saving us money”. We will need to be indebted to them. Also as posted above i cannot deal with daily contact when i pick my baby up from them. I just about cope now.

You should not have small children around people having chemo cuz of too many bugs and germs. Colds etc passed to people on chemo can be very very nasty - including pneumonia etc!

I would also also

"I am want them to be grandparents/aunts with that sort of relationship not looking after them loads so indulging baby is actually going to be detrimental"

Seriously though I think you need to tell H to start respecting you as his partner and that he needs to leave them and cleave to you...

Ps my MIL made me feel a bit guilty for putting my kids in nursery full time - but I told her that was my choice, I can afford it, it's near my house and value the social interaction and education they get.

How about they watch LO a morning on one of your days off?
So you get a chance to do shopping, hoovering, ironing, clean bathrooms etc. It also means if MIL can't do it you aren't scrabbling around looking for emergency care.

I'd aim for nursery for the days you work. Them providing emergency childcare could SIL watch baby if baby is infectious and needs to be kept away from MIL?

Don't let them bully you into more. The other thing to remember is that MIL is going to get worse. You are likely to need nursery when the end is near.