Husband / In law problems re childcare

[CowandGate2019]

I have been with Dh for 14 years, married 4 and have 8 month old son.
In laws create minor issues other than when they emotionally manipulated dh to buy house on same road using mil terminal illness as leverage. As i was pregnant i was forced to accept this or create war in my home. Since then my respect for in laws has gone n my dislike grown. It also created a permanent crack in my relationship with DH. But i visit in laws for a few hours every week to ensure mil n fil have regular access, send pics n videos and organised trips to the park and zoo.
My current gripe is me n dh agreed son will fo nursery 3 days a week n i will be home 2 days a week once mat leave finishes.
Today dh says we should leave son with inlaws every afternoon. I am livid as it is a big decision and i know they are pressuring and manipulating him again. He is using cost saving as an excuse and says nursery days are too long for a baby but he has enrolled on voucher scheme at work and i am not interested in saving pennies. He also fails to mention his families views on this. Clearly they have spoken about it and agreed in my absence and he is now “working” on me. This is the very reason mil wanted to keep us local.
I refuse to accept this because:

1. I think my son will benefit socially and intellectually from nursery
2. I do not want in laws to have regular time with son in my absence
3. I dislike their approach
4. I will not have childcare support thrown in my face later or made to feel indebted or grateful leading DH to be further manipulated
5. I don't want them to influence my sons way of thinking or behaviour

Please advise what i can do? Am i being unreasonable or selfish? In laws dote on son.

Sorry but I kind of agree with your dh that nursery is a very long day for a baby. They really don't socialise at that age, half days seem a good compromise. Your issues are not with nursery are they? Relatives who love your child in 95%!of circumstances are a better option than paid carers under 2. So often with these threads the problem is jealousy of how close one partner is to their parents compared to the op not saying that's the case here but just an observation. You have 12 years of paying for childcare, save where you can

Nursery is a long day at that age, and no they don't play together at 1, but as they get older and settled, they have some lovely friendships and play wonderfully together (sometimes).

3 days is fine, you have 2 days to yourself where MIL could have baby for a short while, and there is the weekend too.

Yes actually I would move to my mil road if she had a terminal illness as would my dh if mine did and we had the opportunity.

I'm secure enough in my marriage and my family unit not to view my in laws as a threat and live my life in a battle of control.

I also dont view my children as possessions owned by me.

In your case I would go with nursery on the basis you will not be able to function or be rational with so much pent up bitterness and resentment of your dh and his family.

If you want to stay in your marriage I suggest you get some counselling as clearly your struggling. If he doesnt want to that's up to him but you need to find a way to cope and deal with the situation as you view it.

You need to do what you feel comfortable with. The MN line is usually that if you arent happy with the free childcare you're offered then pay for professionals and that is exactly what you're doing. Your PIL are already third wheels in your marriage, they certainly don't need to encroach on you anymore. As for your DC filling some weird void their household have in their lives, that's their problem not yours or DCs. If you fear they will be manipulative and hold it against you then that's reason enough to choose nursery. The babies I know who go have gained a lot from the interactions including learning a lot from their peers and have a lot of fun. They absolutely enjoy the social interaction.

I disagree with pretending you think it's too much for them etc. It's time for an honest discussion with your husband and potentially (likely) an agreement. YOU are DSs mother, why should you be on eggshells keeping everyone else happy but miserable and feeling bulldozed and like your feelings don't matter? You don't like their approach - that's a perfectly good enough reason. Your DH needs to heat it and you're going to have to stand firm. Good luck.

The thing that strikes me here is that having a terminal illness does not suddenly turn a person into a lovely version of themselves. If they were an arse before, they still will be. If they were a kind considerate person before, they still will be (albeit not always because they'll be in pain, struggling with processing their situation etc).

I would say you need to find a way of feeling you are treating your in-laws with decency so you can live with yourself, but don't buy into the "poor sick MIL thing" that means you're not allowed to challenge or have control of your own life. You are allowed to not like her, or not like the position you feel manoeuvred into. But you need to decide what you're going to do instead, for your own mental health. As they say "whatever you aren't changing, you are choosing" so if you do nothing, you're choosing to let this happen. You may feel you haven't the energy for it, but I suspect once you start the release of standing up for yourself might be quite energising!

Even if the in-laws were amazing people in full health, I wouldn't want to rely on them for all the childcare while I worked. It's not fair on them (tiring, relentless commitment, means they can't be spontaneous to do their own thing for a large part of the week, pressure and worry about letting you down if they're unwell, plus risk they will catch lots of things if looking after your unwell child). It sucks the joy out of a family relationship and makes it transactional.

Stick to paid childcare for three days while you work. Talk to your husband about a regular time for your in-laws to still see your child, once you've figured out something that won't fill you with suppressed resentment. Something like all having tea together on Thursdays or something, so it's a thing you would be doing anyway and isn't extra effort and doesn't interrupt every weekend so you can choose extra activities to invite them to without it being set in stone

I agree nursery is a long day for a child. But my son will be dropped off at 9.00 and picked up by 4.00pm 3 days a week and 2 days home with me. Dh and i agreed in laws can pick him up 2 days a week at 4.00 and i will pick son up at 6.00/6.30. This routinely gives them 4-5 hours a week. But i will not have them sneakily dictating they want 3 afternoons.

Will that arrangement actually save you any money?
Often nurseries charge mornings or afternoons regardless if you collect early or not.

My DPs parents split up because the parents in law couldn't keep their noses out and constantly got involved in their marriage and decisions.

The decision is between you and your husband. You're relationship is not a square, it does not involve 4 adults. You have to be very careful that they do not interfere with your relationship and you're decisions when it comes to your child, his education and care. Make this clear to your DH and make it clear that you will not be bullied into doing what they want.
By all means compromise.. 1 day with them, 2 at nursery or half days at nursery and half days with them.
They need to be Fully committed to caring for your child, if MIL is ill then you make it clear that you Cannot take days off work when she doesn't feel well enough to care for your DS when she has hospital appointments, Dr's etc etc!!!!
It's not a walk in the park caring for a young child especially when they start walking and RUNNING he will be walking soon enough, throwing tantrums, running away, being defiant or not listening. All toddlers have their moments, it's not easy and if mil is ill I can guarentee she will not cope!!

daphine2004
'Nursery is great for kids and whilst other posters say it’s xhilscare when they’re with family and there’s no difference, there is. Babies are engaged with and focused on at nursery, when they’re with family, GENERALLY, they slot into family life and don’t get half the experiences they would have done. '

Can you clarify this? I'm just wondering what are these positive experience's in nursery that they wouldn't get being with a member of family?