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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you expect / want your OH to care for you in old age? And how good a carer will they be in practice?

61 replies

BogstandardBelle · 02/08/2019 14:56

Having just spent a few days on holiday with the ILs and I’ve realised that some people just aren’t cut out to be carers. MIL has become quite disabled with various conditions and has recently been diagnosed with dementia. FIL has, by default, become her carer - but he’s not very good at it! He isn’t organised enough to keep her medication straight or to remember to make sure she takes it. He walks way ahead of her, leaving her to negotiate pavements, steps etc alone. He doesn’t remember to get her to try things like car seats and shower controls before buying them, and he’s very slow to buy things like non slip mats or to make their house safer for her. There’s nothing specifically wrong with him and he means well, but he just doesn’t have the skills or the temperament to be a good carer. Yet, because he’s the healthy partner he’s expected to do it.

I guess my AIBU is: is it reasonable to expect a spouse / partner to be the primary carer of an elderly person, even if they are rubbish at it?

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 02/08/2019 15:00

The things you describe don't need skills! They need thoughtfulness and caring.

He sounds like a selfish old bugger...walking ahead of her!? I'd be properly annoyed with that.

It IS reasonable to expect your spouse to care for you in some ways...I would not want DH to be wiping my bottom but if I needed to walk slowly, I WOULD expect him to be by my side.

And if I had dementia I'd also hope that he'd be thoughtful enough to help me with medication.

I think your MIL needs a carer. A proper one.

Pipandmum · 02/08/2019 15:01

It is reasonable, and isn’t that part of being in a committed partnership?
I agree some people are more naturally nurturers than others, and this may be a new role for him. Has your partner talked to him about the fact he isn’t really doing a good job? He may not be a natural, but he can learn. Also does she have professional carers come in to help out? Or show him what to do?

Bloodycats · 02/08/2019 15:01

Dh would be terrible, he just doesn’t think like that.
I however would be excellent and he should feel lucky to have me Grin

IAskTooManyQuestions · 02/08/2019 15:01

You'd be surprised actually, how people adapt. We're still in our 50's and DH is life limiting, terminal. I am THE least sympathetic and patient person (as you might imagine) but Im the best nurse/career he's ever had. He would of course be far better if the roles were reversed.

My Dad and FIL were both very good, so I don't think it's a bloke thing.

I think you're a better carer if you were hands on with children, you tend to take into account things like steps, heights, carrying things, hand holding.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 02/08/2019 15:03

Get MILS pills in a dossett box, far easier.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 02/08/2019 15:04

I've watched DH care for his Dad for a few months before he died. We had carers come in, but DH still ended up changing nappies etc on several occasions. I know he would be kind and patient.

I have a progressive condition, and while he is nowhere near being my carer, he does help me out with stuff I can't do.

To be honest, I'd rather go to Switzerland rather than have him be my full time carer though. It's a lot to ask of anyone.

Jamiefraserskilt · 02/08/2019 15:04

Based on his care post my op, mine would be dire.

aquarianaura · 02/08/2019 15:11

My partner's already been my carer, I was ill for maybe a year and a half and mostly housebound in that time. In life he's generally very unorganised, doesn't take initiative, can be lazy, etc. but when it came to it he really stepped up. Sometimes it was so bad he'd basically have to carry me. There were times he had to help me get to the toilet. He used to get me in the bath and lift me out. He was always incredibly considerate and caring, never moaned or dropped the ball. The extent of his care was incredible, I can't express how excellent he was.

I'd say not everyone is cut out for it, but I don't think that's it because like I said in life he generally wasn't like that and he'd never had to be like that before (no kids, lived with his mother before we moved in together when I got ill, never had much responsibility), but he stepped up. More than anything, when a person takes on that role, I feel like it's a true sign of the strength and quality of the relationship. It shows what really matters to the carer and how much they love and value the other person, or not in some cases. Of course even excellent carers can struggle because it is demanding, but I think that's different from just not stepping up to begin with.

ParkheadParadise · 02/08/2019 15:12

To be honest, I'd rather go to Switzerland rather than have him be my full time carer though. It's a lot to ask of anyone
Me Too
After caring for my mum who had dementia I would never want DH to have to do that.

HappyHippy45 · 02/08/2019 15:26

I became disabled over the last 4-5 years and my dh by default is my carer. I don't like it. He's not a natural. Not nurturing, empathetic or patient. He's also not a mind reader. We have gotten better at communicating over the years but it's been a very long learning curve for both of us!
I hate having to ask him to do things and he usually doesn't think to offer.
From his point of view it's a big adjustment too.

Before I'm at the needing help to wipe my bum stage I think I'll be off to Switzerland😕

cuppycakey · 02/08/2019 15:27

To be honest, I'd rather go to Switzerland rather than have him be my full time carer though. It's a lot to ask of anyone.

Yes me too.

Original poster
BogstandardBelle · 02/08/2019 15:42

FIL is a nice, generally kind, person. But he didn’t have a normal upbringing and has had no caring role models - other than seeing MIL with their own children - and it’s really showing now. And they had a very traditional division of labour - he worked long hours to provide for the family, she did everything to do with children, home, admin etc. So he’s been chucked in the deep end with this. He’s doing his best - but it’s not good enough.

My fear though is that if we ask for a social care assessment, they’ll just say “FIL is there, he’s got no health issues, he can do it”. But he can’t necessarily. Spouses are not always up to the job.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 02/08/2019 16:09

To be honest, I'd rather go to Switzerland ...
Me Too

and me, too

That's no life.

More practically, what is their situation?

Can they afford to / are they prepared to pay for care themselves?

Based on the help we had quite recently for DM, we had good experiences with

https://www.homeinstead.co.uk

Then when live in help was necessary, these were effective and lovely, did the job so much better than we could have done

https://www.country-cousins.co.ukk*

Goodness, caring is very hard work.

Original poster
BogstandardBelle · 02/08/2019 16:14

@FinallyHere

Goodness, caring is very hard work

Exactly... which is I question whether being married to a person needing care should be the primary reason for being their carer. Not everyone is equipped to do it well.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 02/08/2019 16:15

I think that longstanding character and relationship issues can have additional impacts when the chips are down. Have observed this with close family.

It sounds like in this case FIL had many, many years when MIL did the hard work at home and in parenting, and for whatever reason, perhaps because of his character flaws, motivation, their relationship history, FIL is not willing or able to step up to care for her well.

If requiring significant personal care I would much prefer to be in a care home than with DH, or any family member in my home, although I would worry about cost and potential abuse from care home staff. This is primarily because of the negative impact of caring on carers.

Loopytiles · 02/08/2019 16:17

Also, it doesn’t seem U for a spouse to be unwilling to provide personal care.

GiveMeHope103 · 02/08/2019 16:18

I'm recovering from major surgery atm in hospital. My dh has just helped me shower and helped change my pads. Then dressed me and cleared everything away. Theres only one person I can ever rely on to care for me and that's him.

M0RVEN · 02/08/2019 16:19

Exactly... which is I question whether being married to a person needing care should be the primary reason for being their carer. Not everyone is equipped to do it well

Well either a family member has to do it or they have to pay for a professional carer.

Or are you suggesting that the public purse should pay, to save a man whose wife has cared for him for years having to do the same?

And if so, how much extra tax would you personally be prepared to pay to fund this ?

Loopytiles · 02/08/2019 16:24

Hope you have a good recovery, givemehope. Your H sounds like a keeper!

Mine let me down big-style after both my births Sad He was a carer for a parent as a teen, which was traumatic for him, and doubt he would be a good carer for me if it came to it.

There is a big difference between short term care, eg surgery recovery, and indefinite caring when someone has a chronic or degenerative illness or disability.

There should be top priority cross-party work on how to meet the costs of health, personal and social care for older people.

Skittlenommer · 02/08/2019 16:44

With all the money I save not having children I’m going to hire a hunky male nurse!

EmrysAtticus · 02/08/2019 16:47

I would expect DH to help me with tasks if I were struggling such as remembering my medication, needing help round the shops etc. I see that as part of the vows we have made. I wouldn't expect him to do full on nursing care, that should be done by professionals. DH would be an amazing carer, he was fab after DS was born and is great whenever I am ill.

GibbonLover · 02/08/2019 16:47

I already need quite a bit of assistance as I've got RA. I'm really lucky with my DH, he's made all kinds of modifications around the house in order to make things easier for me and preserve my joints. He'll help whenever I need it without complaint. Mind you, before I was diagnosed, he had a serious accident at work and I was caring for him for the best part of a year. Despite having been together for 17 years, we only got married a couple of months ago so I assume he's happy about the way things are.

They say a marriage shouldn't have secrets, however I haven't told DH about my secret Switzerland savings account.

GibbonLover · 02/08/2019 16:48

Skittle I like the cut of your jib!

Chakano · 02/08/2019 16:52

Whether you are cut out for it or not, unless you have money it's what you do for each other.
I think it depends on if you love your partner enough tbh, you can always learn how to care.
Saying you aren't cut out for it is a cop out, people do it all the time with their families for all sorts of caring roles.
can't be a parent, don't have the kids

Kidworries · 02/08/2019 16:54

I would be great at caring for my DH however my Dh would be awful at looking after me... Hmm