Do you expect / want your OH to care for you in old age? And how good a carer will they be in practice?

[BogstandardBelle]

Having just spent a few days on holiday with the ILs and I’ve realised that some people just aren’t cut out to be carers. MIL has become quite disabled with various conditions and has recently been diagnosed with dementia. FIL has, by default, become her carer - but he’s not very good at it! He isn’t organised enough to keep her medication straight or to remember to make sure she takes it. He walks way ahead of her, leaving her to negotiate pavements, steps etc alone. He doesn’t remember to get her to try things like car seats and shower controls before buying them, and he’s very slow to buy things like non slip mats or to make their house safer for her. There’s nothing specifically wrong with him and he means well, but he just doesn’t have the skills or the temperament to be a good carer. Yet, because he’s the healthy partner he’s expected to do it.

I guess my AIBU is: is it reasonable to expect a spouse / partner to be the primary carer of an elderly person, even if they are rubbish at it?

I have to say the carers who came to our house to look after FiL were neither rude nor incompetent. I was quite impressed with them actually. I couldn’t do their job.

DH grandpa was awful as a carer, he was in no way suitable for it. DH is fantastic though, he cared for his grandma and is incredibly helpful with mine and he works in healthcare too. He would be amazing I think. I, on the other hand, would not be..

My ils are cooking by a hair's breath. They aren't capable of making the world easier and safer for each other but they desperately don't want to go into a home and we support that. It's hard. Awful that these are the choices.

Chances are I will be the carer for my oh and we're have a savings for me to buy in help. Then I can downsize and afford to buy in help. I dread to think about what comes after that and pray that euthanasia is legalised by then.

I think being a carer is a role for a specific type of person. My lovely Nan has recently declined to the point of needing carers at home. On the whole they were terrible, she is 93 with dementia and the care was simply nowhere near good enough, I started ensuring I was there to meet the carer, some simply didn't have a caring bone in their body and others were that pushed for time they would just do the bare minimum, occasionally not even that. Sadly she has now been moved into a home, another story that could also run on.

But no, I would be mortified at the thought of my hubby having to wipe my bum or care for me in that way, I would prefer 2 tablets or Switzerland.
I would hate to be that sort of a burden on my son either.

If it was just a case of being considerate and doing a little more for me, yep my hubby would be fine at that but I would hate it past it a certain point of ill health.

Switzerland for me too. I don't want to be looked after.

I will be crap at looking after anyone so hopefully they don’t need care!

For all those saying Switzerland... seeing my MIL as she is shows it’s a lot more complicated. Her dementia has come on slow enough that her family didn’t really see it to begin with. And now, all of a sudden, she’s at the point of having lost capacity in this respect There’s no way any dr would agree she has the capacity to decide to die, and she certainly hasn’t got the ability to get herself to Switzerland now, even if she wanted to. Despite being at the start of her dementia journey, she’s already beyond deciding to do anything about it. It’s a cruel disease.

Travelling for assisted dying is only an option for as long as someone has physical and mental competence.

Frag It was in the midst of a nightmare year culminating with fils death 9 months later. Mil was a nightmare throughout.

Dh doesn't like to remember it, and I don't think he appreciated how hard it is, as fil was up in the night, and it was like having a baby again, and doing night feeds, getting up when I could hear him stirring.

The problem is that decline happens slowly for most people. My DM is caring for my DF who has a dual diagnosis of dementia and widespread cancer. He is receiving drugs that are holding his cancer back but eventually it will be kindest to withdraw these. When? How the hell can DM choose this? Or me? I know from a pragmatic perspective it should be quite soon.

DM is elderly herself though in good health. She’s woken several times each night by Dad needing the loo and getting muddled. He’s extremely dependent on her. Yet on a daily basis he has a reasonably good quality of life- because mum doesn’t really. She gets very little support and I suspect a SS assessment would say they are coping.

If he went into a nursing home he would decline very very rapidly.

So, in short it’s shit. For all of you saying Switzerland I hope you realise that you have to make that decision while you still have capacity and for the vast majority of the elderly it’s simply not an option.

So somebody has to do it and yes, if you are in a relationship it’s very likely to be you or your partner. For some reason many are very reluctant to buy in help even if they can afford it. That’s where I really will be different. Keeping enough money aside to pay for old age care is my priority.

I would be a terrible patient and hate the thought of my dh as my carer (or anyone but more so my dh). He would so it but it would be so hard.