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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you expect / want your OH to care for you in old age? And how good a carer will they be in practice?

61 replies

BogstandardBelle · 02/08/2019 14:56

Having just spent a few days on holiday with the ILs and I’ve realised that some people just aren’t cut out to be carers. MIL has become quite disabled with various conditions and has recently been diagnosed with dementia. FIL has, by default, become her carer - but he’s not very good at it! He isn’t organised enough to keep her medication straight or to remember to make sure she takes it. He walks way ahead of her, leaving her to negotiate pavements, steps etc alone. He doesn’t remember to get her to try things like car seats and shower controls before buying them, and he’s very slow to buy things like non slip mats or to make their house safer for her. There’s nothing specifically wrong with him and he means well, but he just doesn’t have the skills or the temperament to be a good carer. Yet, because he’s the healthy partner he’s expected to do it.

I guess my AIBU is: is it reasonable to expect a spouse / partner to be the primary carer of an elderly person, even if they are rubbish at it?

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 02/08/2019 16:55

I'd have higher expections of a DH than DC as at least when you get married you do make a commitment to each other whereas your kids don't owe you for having them.

That said I agree caring takes a temperament and even people that work as carers can struggle when it's someone close. I'm also not convinced by the noble savage trope that can come out on this topic.

MothratheMighty · 02/08/2019 16:55

Lots of people say ‘I’ll be off to Switzerland’ and I agree.
After seeing various elderly relatives disintegrate slowly, losing most of the things that brought them joy and in some cases enduring invasive procedures, I don’t want that. I inherited money from my parents when they died, fixed some stuff around the house and gave someto the children. I stashed most of the rest, but I’ve got £15,000 squirrelled away for Dignitas.

MothratheMighty · 02/08/2019 16:58

I’m a good carer, organised and I know the rounds. DH would not be, he’d be bewildered and gently incompetent. He is very good with babies, but not past 4. My children are very good at it.

GiveMeHope103 · 02/08/2019 16:58

Thanks Loopy he is.

There is a big difference between short term care, eg surgery recovery, and indefinite caring when someone has a chronic or degenerative illness or disability.
I do fully agree with that though. But I've seen my dh over time when he has had to do that for me before or someone else. He is just a very caring and thoughtful person. He knows I wouldn't be comfortable with a nurse even so he insists on it.

But I do get that not everyone is cut out for it, and that is completely ok as well.

ElspethFlashman · 02/08/2019 16:59

Some people aren't cut out for it at all. Either emotionally or really practically. Those that have no prior experience of chronic illness or disability in their family can really not realise the logistics of everyday life and its a steep learning curve. And they may be very disinclined to make big changes.

I remember one family friend being aghast at the suggestion that their husband, post stroke, might need a bed downstairs on discharge. Absolutely dismissed the notion. No way. That was the living room! Where would everyone sit??!

But those that can care, do - for those that can't, there are nursing homes.

SeaEagle21 · 02/08/2019 17:02

There often isn't any choice. I'm quite near to that part of life, and DH is 11 years older than I am so I'm assuming that I'll be his carer if that is necessary. I think I'd do a good job since that is my profession and I have a caring sort of character so I wouldn't resent doing it.

If he had to care for me I'd be worried ! He is lovely but he has no idea of caring for anyone . A couple of times when I've just needed a little help after an operation, he hasn't had the faintest notion of how to do it . I'm doomed if I'm the one who needs care !

Troels · 02/08/2019 17:02

Looks like we should charter a plane to Switzerland, I'll be onboard it too.
Dh is very safety conscius, so would have the house set up in some foolproof way to keep me safe I'm sure. I'd be fed within an inch of my life too and the washing would all be done.
I'm a nurse so looking after him would be an extension of my lifes work and I'd be OK with it.

Longdistance · 02/08/2019 17:04

My df became very unwell and then disabled along with dementia. My dm nursed him until he passed away two years ago. I have specifically told my dh not to do the same and put me in a home. If I’m really not with it I’d like to go to Dignitas to end our misery.

Loopytiles · 02/08/2019 17:07

A problem with dignitas etc is that one needs the mental and physical capacity to travel and take and enact the decision. In practice this means dying when you might still have a lot of good days, weeks, months ahead, because waiting would mean the option becoming impossible.

MothratheMighty · 02/08/2019 17:07

It’s the fees for nursing homes as well, round here they run to £1000+ a week.

Loopytiles · 02/08/2019 17:08

Relatives cannot take their loved ones who no longer have capacity to take a decision to die to die abroad, it could lead to prosecution.

MothratheMighty · 02/08/2019 17:09

Yes, there’s a campaign running to allow assisted dying in the UK. I hope it happens.

Original poster
BogstandardBelle · 02/08/2019 17:54

@ElspethFlashman

Those issues and others have arisen. FILs brain simply isn’t wired in a way that makes him good at assessing risk, being proactive, being efficient and organised etc. It’s not just outside his comfort zone, and certainly it’s not that he’s trying to avoid the job of caring. He spends 24/7 with MIL now, and is doing a lot - but doing it in a cack-handed, badly-organised, inefficient way that often ends up creating more work for others to sort out - or MIL is left in an unsafe situation. He’s never experienced caring within a family situation, and he just doesn’t get it.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 02/08/2019 18:00

Being a carer wrecked my Dads health. He'll spend the rest of his life struggling with issues he shouldn't have had.

I'd be a crap carer, my husband would be excellent. He knows this.

Seeingadistance · 02/08/2019 18:25

My elderly DF has dementia and my DM is now his career. For a woman who was never patient and low on empathy and sympathy, she is coping remarkably well. She said the other day that it’s a matter of adjusting to another way of life, and no choice in that.

However, if their situations were reversed, there is absolutely no way my DF would have np even able to care for her. He is a man who did very little for himself and pretty much nothing around the house. He was a farmer, and left all domestic and family stuff to my DM who also dealt, and continues to deal with, the paperwork related to the farm.

ElspethFlashman · 02/08/2019 18:26

I'd get the community occupational therapist in. They're awfully handy. They assess the risks in the house and try to mitigate it. They can help with getting appropriate beds and chairs etc. They can suggest ways of organising things. They can get all sorts of living aids. I'm not sure if they get the ball rolling for stair lifts, I think we got one from a medical social worker rather than the OT, but you could ask.

Mind you, I'd make sure someone else was there too, to fill in the info. Doesn't sound like your FIL will be much use in that regard.

Troels · 02/08/2019 21:13

Would a living will be enough to enact a trip to Dignitas if you are in and out of capacity, if the living will was made before you lost capacity at all?

Ginger1982 · 02/08/2019 21:30

I think it would depend on what was wrong with me. If I had dementia or Alzheimer's I wouldn't know any different so would hope that DH would put me in a home. If I had all my faculties I would hope that he would try and care for me as I would for him.

recrudescence · 02/08/2019 21:38

Weirdly, I was having precisely this discussion with my husband about half an hour ago. He would be a very poor carer I suspect so, if needed, I have asked to be taken to the top of the multi-storey so I can chuck myself off. The Switzerland business seems a waste of money.

Troels · 03/08/2019 19:06

If I had dementia or Alzheimer's I wouldn't know any different so would hope that DH would put me in a home.
The trouble is that many of the end of life dementia patients I look after have moments of clarity. It s so hard to see an 80 somthing year old cry and ask what happened, where is their wife/husband/child, where are they and why. One lady has these moments often, she is usually non verbal, will walk talk, and ask questions. Dementia is the most horrible disease, they get so frightened.

FinallyHere · 03/08/2019 19:31

My reason for preferring to be cared for by professionals, would be so that DH could come and visit me just to talk or whatever, without having his life run my the weary round of feeding and changing me.

My mother is currently cared for in a home. We can visit her and just chat instead of having to sort out the different arrangements. She always reminded us that that was her preference for when the time came

scaryteacher · 03/08/2019 19:40

My lovely fil came to stay with mil one Christmas - he was doubly incontinent, had knee problems and was beginning to slow down mentally. Mil wouldn't do his personal care, nor would dh, so I did it 'as you used to be a care assistant', (when I was 18 and again at 20, I was approaching 45 that Christmas).

I spent Christmas getting him clean and maintaining that - mil wouldn't touch him for love nor money - just batted me away verbally, and with a flick of her hand when I asked why, and dh seems to have a horror of any sort of bodily substance that isn't his.

If dh is like his Mum and I need care, I'll be paying for it. If he needs it, I'll be doing it.

Fragalino · 03/08/2019 20:08

It's an utterly ridiculous situation for anyone to be in or want to be in.

Does a single poster here ever want their dh or adult dc to be wiping thier arse, changing pads, getting a good slap to boot?

Whilst your dh is also old and frail? Have rude incompetent staff come to the house or not, leaving you to starve and if your in a home... God help you.

Op my dh would be wondeful but I suspect he is a dementia candidate and I wouldn't be an amazing career to him.

I think it's ridiculous we don't have systems in place to say... If I get to stage where I don't recognise my family and need my arse wiping...

Put me and my loved ones out of collective misery.

It's bonkers. We treat our pets with more love and care.

Fragalino · 03/08/2019 20:10

Scary that's enormously brave of you to help with fil, doubly incontinent!
My goodness. I hope you your dh appreciated that!

Fragalino · 03/08/2019 20:12

Troels and so so vulnerable

I've seen the horror of care home many times, worked in them, seen relatives in the them, one good member of staff... But one bad my god they can turn life into sheer hell. All the exposes...

Lady crying for help all night because she soiled herself!

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