to be royally miffed and acting a bit like a petulant child....

[MaternityMiffed]

Yes, this is about me (sorry, it's ended up long, I didn't want to leave out any info).

Background:

• I've been in my job since Jan 2018. Small company (7 people).
• They headhunted me from my previous role - I have worked with my line manager before (a few years ago) and think/thought of her as a friend
• The company is based in London
• I was open from the first conversation that I would be moving to my home town (c.2.5 hours away) at some point in the following year, and would need flexibility to work from home
• I negotiated my base salary (again, with the flexibility out in the open) to a level that we both agreed on
• I bought the house in home town after being in the role for only six months (moved in end June) due to perfect house available
• I started working from home 2 days per week as of October 2018.
• I rent a studio apartment from a family friend for the days/nights that I work from the London office
• I am a hard, diligent worker, I don't take the mick when I work from home, I work outside of my contractual hours, including when I am on holiday (habit)

I am now 21 weeks pregnant. I am the first employee at the company to be at this stage of pregnancy / requiring maternity leave. I am due mid December.

I asked to work from home four days per week as of the beginning of September, the reasons being mainly that I didn't want to be away from home at 25+ weeks pregnant, driving 2.5 hours up/down the M1 twice a week, away from partner, friends, family, midwife, hospital for three days / two or three nights - if something goes wrong.

There is another side to this, which is that the costs associated with renting the flat in London amount to around £900 (including rent, travel to/from London, food and tube pass). The business is not offering anything above statutory maternity pay, so being able to put that £900 a month into a savings account would also have been a massive bonus for during my mat leave.

After not replying to me for over a month, they have now said no.

Their reasoning is that this is a London based role, and I am being paid a London salary, and they want me in the office to be part of the team. They've also said that it's not their problem that I decided to move to my home town, and not their problem that I am spending the money on the flat/travel.

I don't think my request was unreasonable, I am asking for a grand total of 22 extra days working from home, I would still travel by train to work from the office once a week.

It also doesn't sound good for post mat leave when I want to come back - no way am I leaving my child in my home town for three days a week to come to work at the office.

I have found out that I can resign, if within 15 weeks of due date, and they still have to pay me the full mat pay. I am so tempted.

AIBU to basically - not verbally - tell them to shove it? ie - come in at 9am, leave at 5pm, not participate in any 'team' activity, withdraw from office chat, etc etc? I know it's childish.

AIBU to be miffed at their response? WABU in the first place to think this was an acceptable suggestion? AIBU to think that a small business, where they apparently are all about the 'team' should show some compassion?

I will fully accept if you all tell me IABU but at the moment I want to throw my toys out the pram, and I know that's not professional at all.

Hmm. I've been in a situation with some similarities to yours (although my arrangement had been in place from day one and the proposal was to take it away), so I really do want to be sympathetic to you, but actually I think YABU - unless you made it crystal clear at interview that you would want to be WFH all the time at some point after your move and they agreed just as clearly - although even then, with such a small and perhaps fairly young (?) company, it may not have been clear to them that a FT WFH arrangement wouldn't work so well. In such a tiny company I can see that it does make a difference to have - look at it like this - almost 20 % of their workforce not in the office most of the time.

I now work for myself, btw, and it's been great. I'm not in your field but that may well be the best option for the level of flexibility you want/need.

Going against the grain here, but I don't think YABU given that they headhunted you, promised you that they would be up for more than you are asking for here (FT WFH) and are now saying absolutely not. You are quite right that post ML you will not want to be leaving your baby for days on end each week to go into London. Do what makes you happy and start thinking about what you want to do post-baby (and maybe start getting the train in if it's quicker than driving).

You have to think about how big the ask is , it won’t just be for you, this will have to be rolled out for other women in the company

I can see why you’d want to work from home 4 days a week but equally I can see why your employer would prefer you in the office more often. Have you put in a formal request for flexible working? Can you make a business case for you not being around and address their concerns? Being flexible doesn’t mean infinite flexibility and I can see how from their side it seems like you keep moving the goal posts with what you’re asking, but I think your current setup will be challenging come your third trimester.

Counter with three days a week wfh and get the train for the other two.

Unless you have a complex pregnancy, the angst about being away from your hospital/midwife is a little overblown, mat care is acute in the UK and you can present at any point at any time at any hospital or midwife centre.

Then have a full and frank discussion with your friend about the future, so they can recruit your mat leave replacement with a view to making them permanent, you clearly aren't going to go back to work there with a 2.5 hour commute and a baby so be upfront without putting anything in writing so everyone can plan accordingly.

It's not the HR approved way of doing things, but it's probably the best way to preserve decent relationships.

@Sewrainbow

The company are only paying SMP. They get reimbursed for that. They won't lose any money at all if she hands her notice in as soon as she qualifies for SMP. It comes from the government, not the employer. They aren't offering her an enhanced mat pay package, so she isn't landing them in anything. There will be nothing to pay back because they aren't giving her anything not because she's leaving.

OP, they have been flexible. They've allowed 2 days of working from home. Saying you only took the job because they said they'd be flexible and now moaning as if they aren't sticking to that is really not on. They have been flexible, but expecting them to let you work from home for 4 days a week is ridiculous. If you can't do the job in the workplace for the days the expect you to be there then you need to quit. I can't even believe you said "no way will I leave my baby at home for 3 days". Do you think your baby is their problem? You really think that because you're going to have a baby 2.5 hours away that they should just let yilou stay working at home the whole week? That's not their problem. The 2 days they've given you is flexible enough. You need to arrange childcare anyway because you can't look after a baby and be "working" during the day. So baby will be in childcare all day anyway. Then your husband can pick baby up when you are not there. If you don't want to spend 3 day and nights away from the baby then you need to quit your job.

YABU, ridiculous requests set us all back when it comes to flexible working for everyone.

Its difficult but ultimately if its a small company and they are supporting your pregnancy by undertaking appropriate risk assessments, allowing time off for appointments etc. any additional WFH etc is 'extra' and they aren't obliged to give you this. They have been flexible so far and met all your requests so I don't think they are being unreasonable. 25 weeks is very early- could you negotiate this closer to the end e.g. from 35 weeks until you go on mat leave? You really wont need to be close to your own midwives before then and London has plenty of maternity services. I think it would be sensible for you and the company to hand your notice in prior to ML and seek another job if this definitely wont work when you have the baby. Although a friend shes still a business woman and needs reliable employees who engage with the office and someone working from home 2.5 hours away with a new baby just wont be able to commit the same (I know this as a mum who had to go back when baby was 7 months- my heart was NOT in it!). Hope all goes ok with the pregnancy :)

Sorry, but YABU. I would look for something closer to home.

@Littlejayx

It wouldn't need to be rolled out. What a company allows one employee to do, can't be used as an argument to allow other employees to do that same. It actually works in the reverse. If a company allows one person flexible working or work from home, then someone else asks, the answer can be that the business can only accommodate one person on flexible working so they cannot offer it to someone else. People come back from mat leave and ask for flexible working and are denied it because other people already have it, and the company can't have everyone out of the office.

At 25 weeks if you are in general good health there should be no problems that would prevent you living in London during the week. ou will be having the usual maternity visits I presume and you are close to the very best of facilities if you need them. When I was expecting my 2 sons I worked for a very driven legal firm. I carried on with all my evening night and weekend work up to a week before the y were born and apart from finding sitting down rather uncomfortable just got on with it as usual.

An employer saying they allow WFH or are flexible, doesnt mean will allow whatever the employee wants or WFH the majority of the time.

I cant see where the employee ever promised WFH for 80% of the working week.

They said they would be flexible. Which they have been.

I, might be wrong, but I think you can only put in sp many flexible working requests per 12 months as well.

OP, if uouvstart acting like a dick, they wont care if you come back or not.

My advice is that is doesn't matter whether YABU or not. I'm speaking as somebody post children and having SAH for a few (too many) years.

Think very carefully about what you do next. Don't burn any bridges. It's fine to act in a way that suits you best, but don't go off in a huff. Most importantly, don't fall out with your boss/friend or make her look stupid for having hired you in the first place. Right now you're thinking you can just get a job, just start a business, whatever, but life as a working woman after having children is VERY DIFFERENT from before you have children and you do not want to piss off someone who thinks you are good enough at your job to headhunt you. You don't know when you might need a reference or even a job from these people and she in particular might be someone who can help you later on.

I'm not joking.

Just something to consider, if you resign then yes, they have to pay you the SMP but they don't have to do this on a monthly basis. In and of itself this means that gross you will receive the same amount but net you will probably pay more NI contributions and tax. In addition you won't be accruing leave. So ultimately if you really can't do the commute/staying away from home then I would just start your mat leave at the earliest opportunity (11 weeks before due date) and resign at the end.

Sorry OP but I also think they have been flexible for what was agreed.

There are some really interesting points on here, thank you all so much!

I do really appreciate everyone's thoughts. And having read everything, am coming round to the idea that IABU!

I think I just read so much about it not mattering where you work, we live in a virtual world, bla bla (especially when you work in my industry - tech focused) that I didn't think this would be an issue for a few weeks, especially when I made it clear I would need flex from the start. I do see that they have already been flexible...

Just to answer some of the direct questions:

Would you be willing to negotiate on salary?
Yes, 100% - it's something I was thinking about suggesting... I'm not sure that's the biggest sticking point, I think it's more the location. But I can always see if that's a compromise.

Why did you take a new job in London when you were planning to move away? Would it not have made more sense to look for a job in your home town?
I moved sooner than I thought I was going to, and yes it absolutely would, but roles in my industry are really rare outside London (annoyingly)

Are you getting London waiting allowance?
I'm not really sure!! My whole career post uni has been in London, so I assume it's weighted to an extent, but I've had varying salaries throughout that time (up and down!)

@StroppyWoman - thank you for this - honestly. It's actually really helpful, and I appreciate the straight-talking!!

@Fairenuff - genuinely not a CF. Hard working, hitting targets and team player. Just first time pregnant (as @StroppyWoman noted!!) and I guess wanting a lot (too much!!) in return!

Have you put in a formal request for flexible working?
No, not official... it's hard to explain, we're a small but established business and it's really not formal...!! I know that doesn't help. We don't have an HR team etc. Everything is kind of done on the fly!

@TheInvestigator - I didn't really mean it was their problem if I won't leave the baby at home for three days - that sentence in my OP was a bit misleading, I'm not really threatening them with that, I'm more just of the opinion that post mat leave, if they can't offer the flex, I will leave - not in a blackmail-y way... if that makes sense?!

@Napqueen1234 - maybe that's also a good compromise (the nearer the time idea). I'll mention to them as well. Thank you :)

@Simkin - really insightful, thank you. All makes good sense. Thank you.

Really thank you all. Especially those who have noted that 25 weeks is still ages away from due date. I think as it's a first pregnancy everything is exacerbated, including worries, and also how massive I'll be at 25 weeks (which I now know is.... not very).

Ok. You've all calmed me down. I'm just going to get on with my work, act in my normal way, try to hit my targets, and see what happens.

Thank you, truly, for being kind and honest with me.

Senior HR person here. We are as flexible as can be and yet I wouldn't agree to your proposal.

Not only could it start a precedent for other employees to request the same, but it would also make it more tricky for us to refuse when you made the same request coming back from maternity leave.

And we would refuse it - for all the points your employer has already said as well as the team work, camaraderie aspect too.

I think you've taken on board the advice well OP.

You wanted flexibility, they've given it. They're just not willing to pay London salary to have someone work from home 2 and a half hours away for 80% of the week.

Your desire to save on renting the room and personal finances is not the problem of an employer.

Once baby is here then you assess your situation and make a decision about what suits your new circumstances.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy! And that is the most gracious acceptance of being a little unreasonable I have seen in a long time

Maybe suggest a trial of 2 weeks and see how it goes for you and them?

It's a small company, OP, and I think that is a major factor. It will inconvenience them and cost them money and there is a likelihood of resentment from colleagues that you seem to be having everything your own way and they have to adapt to your needs, regardless of their own. Are you really that shit-hot at your job that you are indispensable? (Probably not: however good you are, there are almost always other people just as good.)
Look for a job nearer home and leave your present one with grace and dignity. You might be in a position to go back there in a few years, but if you've caused a fuss, you won't be welcome.

Honestly, YANBU!

My old company (before i went self-employed) would have said yes to this in a heartbeat! It's completely reasonable and companies should be set up to allow flexible working. I would keep pushing and mention that obviously you would want more flexibility after the baby is born, so maybe this role isn't the right one for you... then let them sit on that.

If you are able to resign, then no harm testing the waters!

You are being unreasonable. I am another one who thinks you should not have taken a job in London when you knew that you wanted to move 2.5 hours away. And they have already been flexible. You can't be a princess and demand more and more.