Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To feel betrayed by partner?

71 replies

RowRowRowBoat · 02/08/2019 00:06

Evening all. My head is in a real spin so trying to detail this all down to hopefully help me somewhat.

Been with DP for just shy of 3 years. Head over heels from the beginning, to which he said he reciprocated. Talked about feeling like soul mates, met all friends and family, been on several holidays and really become a part of one another’s lives. We’re both saving to buy a house together.

When we first got together we had discussions about the future as I have 2 children, both of which attend local schools. Their upbringing has been tumultuous at times as their father is unreliable, and also the death of their grandad last year. This has made them extremely close to their grandma, my mum. I explained to him that I did not want to uproot the children as it is so important they feel settled, are close to grandma, they both love their schools. He agreed with this. Right from the beginning I made this clear. Fast forward to earlier this evening...

He has dropped a bombshell that he thinks he no longer wants to buy a house where I and DC live. He’d rather stay in his home near his family and friends, with us coming to live with him. Work is not an issue as it is roughly the same distance from mine/his area. I feel devastated as I am not prepared to uproot DC, and he has made many false promises about us buying a house and living together near school/granny/the area I grew up. He has sent many properties over for me to look at on rightmove in my area, now all of a sudden is doing a massive 180. He thinks, in hindsight, a 2 hour round trip is too far to live from his family and friends. I honestly feel devastated, and like he should’ve thought this through before making false promises. He is now entrenched in my life and both of my children’s.

What do I do now?

OP posts:

CherrySocks · 02/08/2019 00:09

Stay living separately as you are now

C0untDucku1a · 02/08/2019 00:11

How did you respond?
You need to explain again you cannot uproot the children, so this would be a deal breaker for you as your children come first.

Original poster

RowRowRowBoat · 02/08/2019 00:17

Obviously I was very upset, as I feel the whole future I’ve been saving and planning for the last 3 years is in ruins. I also don’t feel like I can trust this man anymore. Surely he had some sort of an idea about this in the last 3 years?!

I explained I cannot and will not uproot DC, and also that once you get into a ‘serious’ relationship with a wife and kids, your friends and family no longer really take priority - whether that’s with me or someone else. He seems to think he should be able to see his mates/family and have them over for evening drinks a few times a week. Moving to me will prevent this. I guess this is one of the issues of dating a man without DC.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2019 00:31

This just awful for you, op. I would be very upset and definitely feel a sense of betrayal. Your children need to come first.

TheInebriati · 02/08/2019 00:33

Yanbu. Is he actually asking you to put him before your kids?

TriciaH87 · 02/08/2019 00:44

But it's OK for you and your children to have a 2 hour round trip to visit yours. I suggest either you both stay put or look at the area in the middle. Not too far to commute to work school and both families.

ISayWhatNow · 02/08/2019 00:45

That's properly shit.

What do you do? Keep your dignity. Explain calmly again that you will not be moving from your area and ask how he sees the relationship progressing. I do understand his point of view but as you've rightly pointed out, the thought process for his decisions should have been worked through long ago.

Guiltypleasures001 · 02/08/2019 00:50

Evening drinks a few times a week?
He seems to have a completely different idea of a future with kids in tow.

He's not in a uni frat house or flat share, how old is he op?

hadthesnip2 · 02/08/2019 00:53

So, does he live 2 hours from you atm..?? How have you been dating - do you usually go to his or does he come to you....??

Alislia17 · 02/08/2019 03:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TwistyTop · 02/08/2019 03:36

Buy a house without him. Do not move in with him right now.

TanMateix · 02/08/2019 04:25

Sad as it is, if he insists on his 180... you end it. Do not even think of finding the middle ground, there is no middle ground, you commute or you don’t.

I disagree however with “that once you get into a ‘serious’ relationship with a wife and kids, your friends and family no longer really take priority - whether that’s with me or someone else.”. That is simply not true, he has many rights as you to stay in a place that makes him happy, so... if you want different things, you have to respect that and let him go.

Beautiful3 · 02/08/2019 04:34

Continue to live separately.

snitzelvoncrumb · 02/08/2019 04:42

Just say no, don't get upset and see what happens. Worst case is you are single, and you have some savings to as you wish with.

HennyPennyHorror · 02/08/2019 04:53

Would it be possible to move when your children are ready for high school?

It's honestly a normal thing to move house and children are incredibly resilient.

Mine have moved 4 times including one internationally and they're fine...they're 14 and 11 and it's only in the last 3 years that we've finally put roots down. Our moving was due to work...

I see why you're upset, I really do but perhaps your partner feels his area is better in some way?

If you don't want to move though...don't. I'm just letting you know that moving house isn't the end of the world for a child.

HennyPennyHorror · 02/08/2019 04:55

But I agree he does sound immature having reread your OP...wanting to see his mates does not trump your children's futures or well-being.

I wonder if he's been discussing the plans with someone and they've persuaded him to stay put?

Bookworm4 · 02/08/2019 04:58

An hours drive is nothing, he’s very selfish if he thinks 3 people should uproot themselves for him, I wouldn’t give in to him.

HennyPennyHorror · 02/08/2019 05:01

Yes I agree with Bookworm OP I'm not surprised you feel terrible. I didnt read your OP properly which is why my first post was so blase.

I BET someone's been in his ear about why he shouldn;t move. Probably a mate or his mum.

Just tell him no. If he loves you he'll move.

flumpybear · 02/08/2019 05:11

I'd just be aloof and say ok let's remain as we are then. Ball in his court, you're not going to move, histrionics will make it worse so be the opposite, be aloof, let him get the hint it's not all centred around him, kids come first

Blondebakingmumma · 02/08/2019 05:53

I suppose he has as much right to want to live near his friends and family and where he grew up as you. Either you buy somewhere in the middle, live separately or agree to stay in your area while the kids are in school and then move to his area later. I imagine if he has his own kids he’d like them to live close by his parents just like you want your kids near your mum.
If you can’t come up with a compromise it may be time to part ways.

Btw it is ok to change your mind about where you want to live. I’m sure he didn’t do it with malicious intent. He may not have really be considering what he wanted his future to look like until now

gregoire · 02/08/2019 06:00

I don't think it's fair to accuse him of lying or being dishonest. It sounds more like a change of heart than a deliberate deception - it's very unlikely he's known for years that he didn't want to move and has just been deceiving you. I think your feelings of betrayal are a little unfair.

That said, I don't think you would be at all unreasonable to tell him that your priority is your children, and it isn't in their best interests to move. He will then have to decide what his priority is, or try to find a compromise which you're able to accept.

It may be that there isn't one - if he he adamant that he won't move, it might be that you have to accept the relationship can't continue. But hopefully this is just a wobble, and it won't come to that.

Blueoasis · 02/08/2019 06:00

Definitely don't move on his behalf. Your children come first, not some man that could easily run away at a moments notice.

Maybe, and sadly, he is saying this because he doesn't want to live with you, and expects you to say no? Possibly being a coward and doesn't want to be the bad guy and end it.

Teacher22 · 02/08/2019 06:01

If your savings for the house are in a joint account get them out now before he can filch them from you. Of course you cannot uproot children for a manchild to have drinks with his mates.

If, as is probable, you are firm and he backs down when he sees what he is losing, continue to be wary. If he does this once, he will do it again.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/08/2019 06:21

I’m not sure he’s betrayed you, he’s definitely disappointed you and not lived up to expectations. I imagine now hit with the reality of moving to your area, your partner realises he doesn’t want to give up his comfort and lifestyle. Yes he should have thought things through. However wouldn’t you rather be with someone, who wants to be where you are? Better this than his moving and begrudging every moment.

Stand your ground and refuse. Maybe the relationship will end. Maybe he will change his mind. Maybe you’ll continue as you are. You have a right to be disappointed and tell him that. I assume he knows your kids pretty well by now. He has let your kids down.

TheVoiceInTheShed · 02/08/2019 06:29

^What flumpybear said !

Flip

1 2 3