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Original poster

To feel betrayed by partner?

71 replies

RowRowRowBoat · 02/08/2019 00:06

Evening all. My head is in a real spin so trying to detail this all down to hopefully help me somewhat.

Been with DP for just shy of 3 years. Head over heels from the beginning, to which he said he reciprocated. Talked about feeling like soul mates, met all friends and family, been on several holidays and really become a part of one another’s lives. We’re both saving to buy a house together.

When we first got together we had discussions about the future as I have 2 children, both of which attend local schools. Their upbringing has been tumultuous at times as their father is unreliable, and also the death of their grandad last year. This has made them extremely close to their grandma, my mum. I explained to him that I did not want to uproot the children as it is so important they feel settled, are close to grandma, they both love their schools. He agreed with this. Right from the beginning I made this clear. Fast forward to earlier this evening...

He has dropped a bombshell that he thinks he no longer wants to buy a house where I and DC live. He’d rather stay in his home near his family and friends, with us coming to live with him. Work is not an issue as it is roughly the same distance from mine/his area. I feel devastated as I am not prepared to uproot DC, and he has made many false promises about us buying a house and living together near school/granny/the area I grew up. He has sent many properties over for me to look at on rightmove in my area, now all of a sudden is doing a massive 180. He thinks, in hindsight, a 2 hour round trip is too far to live from his family and friends. I honestly feel devastated, and like he should’ve thought this through before making false promises. He is now entrenched in my life and both of my children’s.

What do I do now? Sad

OP posts:
Thewheelsarefallingoff · 02/08/2019 06:42

Stick to your guns, op. I admire you for putting children's happiness first when they've been through a family break up already.
Moving with a stepdad is not the same as moving as a family unit. I did that with my DS1 and it is the thing I beat myself up about even now.

YouJustDoYou · 02/08/2019 06:47

Stick to your guns, op. I admire you for putting children's happiness first when they've been through a family break up already

^^This. People are allowed to change their minds - as shit as it makes you feel, because it's all you've been planning. But he is being ridiculous to think the children should be made to move away from all they know just so he can be near his mates.

Wishihad · 02/08/2019 06:50

I think betrayed is a bit over the top. I dont think he has lied. He has been looking at properties in your area. He has changed his mind.

It's better that he does it now. I totally understand you feeling saf and disappointed. But the assumption that he has lied, in my opinion, doesnt seem to be the case.

You have reasons to stay where you are. They are no more valid than his not wanting to move area.

I also disagree that wife must come first. It's always situation dependent. Sometimes his friends may cone first. If his friends parent died and you had a date night planned, would you expect him to go on the date night and not be there for his friend?

It sounds like, now it become real he has started thinking about what he is giving up and hevisnt prepared to do that. And honestly, if you were posting that he was the one with kids and wants you to move away from friends and family, I think you would have lots of people telling you not to do it.

Like I said, I totally understand being upset and disappointed. But I dont think it's a betrayal.

Wishihad · 02/08/2019 06:51

Ou and yes. Definitely dont move your kids.

StripeySocks29 · 02/08/2019 06:54

Have you said to him “no, I don’t want to do that?” Just because he’s made that suggestion doesn’t mean you have to go along with it. He sounds quite selfish to me.

cakecakecheese · 02/08/2019 07:03

Yeah it's not really a betrayal, more a change of mind but I can see why it really hurts, unless he's completely clueless he must know you'd never move your kids, so this is probably him saying he's not ready or doesn't want to live with you.

CodenameVillanelle · 02/08/2019 07:08

He hasn't lied or betrayed you, he's changed his mind, which sucks but he has the right to do so.
You're right to stand your ground about not moving your kids.
Can you continue living separately for the time being? Buying a house together before you've lived together is also a massive risk.

LittleKitty1985 · 02/08/2019 07:18

A two hour round trip? So he lives one hour away? Why not compromise and move somewhere in the middle? 30 min journeys are perfectly reasonable!

Greeve · 02/08/2019 07:31

I think that you have to realise the... risk of him moving away from his family into a ready-made family which you already describe as a "wife and kids". I disagree that everyone's family or origin comes before the family they form with their partner. For many of us, we think of family as a unit that we expand through love, marriage and co-parenting. Your children do require more resources when they're young and sustaining a marriage also costs resources. How much this costs varies but part of ensuring compatibility is finding relationships you can sustain without sacrifice. Sacrifice is different to compromise.

My point in all this rambling is that by moving away from his family and friends into a busy family where he will be expected to fulfil a parenting type role alongside his partner duties will mean sacrificing a lot of the contact he has with his family and friends. The reality is that he could meet someone local, with older/no children where he wouldn't have to sacrifice his familial relationships even if there were other compromises. I think it's taken him this long to understand the reality of moving and what a sacrifice it will be and he's trying to step back to a place of compromise. He knows he will see his family less and not so much alone and that's an okay compromise. Doing it 2 hours away when he's unlikely to pop round for a pint is too much sacrifice.

Original poster
RowRowRowBoat · 02/08/2019 08:00

Morning.

Yesterday’s post was a knee jerk reaction to the situation, I’ve had some time to digest and think.

What I meant by ‘your wife and kids take priority’ is that generally, you no longer go to your mums every night for dinner/your friends aren’t coming over every other night for drinks/every weekend isn’t consumed by going out with your friends. The example about a relative dying and still insisting on a date night is extreme, of course I wouldn’t do that! My point was, as we grow older, have children, a long term partner, our priorities tend to change and with that comes a life style change. Even if I moved to where he lives I wouldn’t be happy with his mates popping over for drinks all the time or him going out to the pub every night. As another poster pointed out, this isn’t a frat house. We’re both early 30s so you’d think out of that stage anyway!

I’ve already made the compromise when we have discussed it that I’d be happy to move closer to him, so it would be a 45 minute trip each way to his area. I cannot reasonably go any closer than that, it would compromise the kids school commute, my commute after drop off to work etc. If I moved to him we’d be giving up the kids schools, my work, my family, my friends, the kids friends. I would sacrifice everything, including my employment.

I do completely understand his sacrifice and that’s why we have had so many detailed conversations about this, where each time in the last 3 years he has reassured me. To be frank, had he expressed this in the first year, we wouldn’t be together now. I’ve made compromises myself in saying we can move a bit closer, organise to see his family every Saturday or Sunday, make sure we have time for his friends on a weekend too as that’s important to him, he can stay overnight there on occasions he wants to go out with them and I’m unable to make it. I think I’ve been very considerate of his feelings in this situation. But now he suddenly wants me and the kids to give up absolutely everything, including my employment, to live with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
RowRowRowBoat · 02/08/2019 08:01

And he could meet someone closer to where he lives with no children. I’ve had this discussion so many times with him, but every time he has reassured me he loves me and wants us to be together.

OP posts:
Greeve · 02/08/2019 08:05

I agree that your lifestyle transitions but I know from experience that you don't really go back for those weekends you think you will. The kids start having their own lives and weekend routines and that dictates yours. And you're exhausted!

I think moving closer is a good compromise but it may not alleviate his concerns. Especially if he's seen the reality of someone else making a similar move.

Wishihad · 02/08/2019 08:07

Even if I moved to where he lives I wouldn’t be happy with his mates popping over for drinks all the time or him going out to the pub every night.

Then maybe you are both just realising you arent compatible. That still doesnt mean he betrayed or lied to you. Lots of relationships end, when it becomes clear one isnt ready for the life the other one has.

And he could meet someone closer to where he lives with no children. I’ve had this discussion so many times with him, but every time he has reassured me he loves me and wants us to be together.

And at the time that may have been true. But now he isnt sure about it.

I know people who have got married, both agreeing no children. One has changed their minds and they have ended up splitting up as there is no compromise. The one that wants children didnt lie. At the time they really didnt want children. They didnt know their mind would change.

As I said, I do understand you upset and feeling let down. But I still dont think it's a betrayal.

But dont move your kids.

SummerWhisper · 02/08/2019 08:09

Worst case scenario, he is not committed. This is his way of letting you know that he is the most important person in this relationship. He has pulled out his demolition ball and shattered your plans. After 3 years, your children are not that important to him and drinking with his mates is his priority. His focus has changed to the single life, his independence, his freedom. He is not looking to be part of a family. Best case scenario, it's temporary cold feet...but it's still cold feet. It's now up to you if it's worth trying to warm them up but how much effort are you prepared to put into persuading a man whose eye is on a session with his mates over and above the welfare of your children?

Wishihad · 02/08/2019 08:09

If I moved to him we’d be giving up the kids schools, my work, my family, my friends, the kids friends. I would sacrifice everything, including my employment.

Take out kids schools and employment

You are expecting him to give all that too. If you moving there means giving up your family and friends. Him moving to to means the same for him. And hevisnt ready to do that.

Suebnm · 02/08/2019 08:13

I don’t understand the wife and kids comment. You don’t live together, you’re not married and he’s a boyfriend at best.

From what you’ve written you sound far more over invested than your boyfriend is in the relationship.

Original poster
RowRowRowBoat · 02/08/2019 08:14

It’s not the same. I’m not really expecting him to do that because he has the ability to go out after work and see friends/colleagues, I don’t. I also work in a job that enables me to see my friends and family frequently during the daytime, he does not. He sees his friends after work (which he could still do, it would just mean going for drinks after work in a pub/bar and less frequency). His family we still live close enough to see regularly, probably as much as he sees them now, it just again would have to be a bit more planned as opposed to spontaneous.

OP posts:
Original poster
RowRowRowBoat · 02/08/2019 08:16

I said ‘wife and kids’ because that would be the general set up when we moved it together, long term serious partner and children. And he has been as invested as me the last 3 years until this bombshell.

OP posts:
Wishihad · 02/08/2019 08:18

But if he will see his family as much as he does now, you moving there means you can see yours regularly too.

And would you really be happy with him going out a few times a week after work? And he wouldnt be able to have a drink, because he will be driving.

All I am saying is that which ever of you move, you will make sacrifices. You feel that yours are more (when it comes to the kids, I would agree with that) but you expect him to be ok with everything he is sacrificing.

It's not unusual for people to be sure they want to do something, then when it gets close, realise what they are giving up.

Juells · 02/08/2019 08:22

Have you saved separately? I'd hold off on buying a house and let things continue as they are for a while. Maybe he's just panicking at the thought of his life changing so much - his life will change a lot more than yours will, if you stick to what was the plan.

AnyFucker · 02/08/2019 08:25

Don't give up the whole structure of your life for a man

How many threads do we see on here where women who do that bitterly regret it. You have worked hard to get yourself in a good place with family, friends, the ability to support yourself. A loving grandparent is waaaaaaay better than some bloke who is mum's boyfriend.

Stay right where you are. The rest will fall into place as it should, one way or the other. What he would be giving up does not compare to what you and your kids would

CodenameVillanelle · 02/08/2019 08:25

How can he have been as invested as you for the last 3 years when you've been together 3 years? For the first year at least you should both have been taking it slowly and not rushing into commitment. You took his promise made in the first year as a binding promise when it should have been taken with a bucket of salt. These decisions take time to come to and after a period of time he has decided it's not for him.

Original poster
RowRowRowBoat · 02/08/2019 08:27

He wouldn’t be driving, so not an issue to have a couple of drinks.

No I wouldn’t be happy with a few nights a week, but I suspect most women wouldn’t. A couple of nights is reasonable.

I think the fact is, we’d both be giving up our friends and family to some extent. Unless you meet someone that is from the exact same area/radius as you, or never wants to move anywhere in their life, you will always give up that at some point and to some extent. But I’d be giving up the children’s schools, lives, friends, their support system, my employment, my colleagues. Yes he would have the sacrifice of his friends and family to some extent, but not the equivalent to what he wants me to give up.

OP posts:
Original poster
RowRowRowBoat · 02/08/2019 08:29

It’s a plan and ‘promise’ we’ve been discussing the last 3 years, seriously.

I won’t be moving AnyFucker, my children come first.

I am just bitterly disappointed in this situation, it almost feels like a waste of 3 years. I don’t feel like continuing this relationship and allowing him to develop even more of a relationship with me and my kids given his change in attitude.

OP posts:
Wishihad · 02/08/2019 08:35

What you kids woild have to sacrifice is a huge amount.

But to him, he doesnt have kids. Doesnt have to worry about school runs etc. Giving up his friends and family is a big deal to him too.

All I am saying is that I dont think he lied or betrayed you. I think he has changed his mind. He doesnt want to give up those parts of his life. Like you dont want to give those parts of yours.

Moving your kids would be a big mistake. But then I think a friend, without kids, moving away from friends and family to set up home with a man with kids, would be a mistake too.