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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel betrayed by partner?

71 replies

RowRowRowBoat · 02/08/2019 00:06

Evening all. My head is in a real spin so trying to detail this all down to hopefully help me somewhat.

Been with DP for just shy of 3 years. Head over heels from the beginning, to which he said he reciprocated. Talked about feeling like soul mates, met all friends and family, been on several holidays and really become a part of one another’s lives. We’re both saving to buy a house together.

When we first got together we had discussions about the future as I have 2 children, both of which attend local schools. Their upbringing has been tumultuous at times as their father is unreliable, and also the death of their grandad last year. This has made them extremely close to their grandma, my mum. I explained to him that I did not want to uproot the children as it is so important they feel settled, are close to grandma, they both love their schools. He agreed with this. Right from the beginning I made this clear. Fast forward to earlier this evening...

He has dropped a bombshell that he thinks he no longer wants to buy a house where I and DC live. He’d rather stay in his home near his family and friends, with us coming to live with him. Work is not an issue as it is roughly the same distance from mine/his area. I feel devastated as I am not prepared to uproot DC, and he has made many false promises about us buying a house and living together near school/granny/the area I grew up. He has sent many properties over for me to look at on rightmove in my area, now all of a sudden is doing a massive 180. He thinks, in hindsight, a 2 hour round trip is too far to live from his family and friends. I honestly feel devastated, and like he should’ve thought this through before making false promises. He is now entrenched in my life and both of my children’s.

What do I do now?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 02/08/2019 08:35

Sounds like you have your head screwed on. I am sorry. Best you come to this crossroads before you make any irrevocable moves.

CodenameVillanelle · 02/08/2019 08:41

Why do you have to live together? Why can't you enjoy the relationship as it is?

Whatisthisfuckery · 02/08/2019 08:45

I think you need to look at both your expectations. You want a family life where your priorities lie with each other. He wants to live with you but keep his busy social life and life with his family. What is it that he actually wants from living with you then? Clean clothes, cooked meals and sex on tap by any chance? And he wants you to uproot your DC, change their school, find a new job in order to have amanagable commute and leave your friends and family.

You both want different things here. He wants a live in cleaner and shag provider and you want a committed partner for you and a step father for your DC. This would be a recipe for disaster if you were only moving down the road.

Also you’d be living in his house so no moving for him. How convenient. Does he own or rent? Living in a partner’s house is unwise anyway because it makes it much harder to leave if you want/need to, and that’s only compounded by having your DC in the equation.

I strongly advise you not to do this. On paper it looks like a disaster waiting to happen, let alone what the reality will be like. If he loves you then he might just need more time to grow up and you can stay as you are until then. If he cools it then you’ve got your answer.

Sorry OP, it’s a shitty situation for you but please don’t put yourself in a difficult and vulnerable position just to keep him. If he wants you to do that then he’s not worth it.

Whatisthisfuckery · 02/08/2019 08:48

Oh, and fgs don’t let him near your savings. If he thinks he’s got you settled then you might just find he’s got you frittering them away so you’ll have nothing.

Always plan for worst case and cover your arse. You never know a person until you’ve lived with them for a long time. You’ve presumably only seen him on weekends, holidays and odd nights, and that is not enough time to really know a person.

Grumpos · 02/08/2019 08:48

I don’t think he has lied or deceived you, especially not on purpose. I would suggest he has over the 3 years never really explored what moving away would look like in reality until now and that has led him to realise it’s too much of a compromise on his part.

If this was me I would end the relationship now because you’re not prepared to meet his demands and your compromise offered of moving part way isn’t enough for him.

It’s really sad but right now you don’t want the same things. Who knows, in time given some space he may well realise having all the free time he wants to see friends and socialise isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and come back wanting to commit to the move and lifestyle you’d talked about previously.

It could be a temporary situation or it might be the natural end to a relationship where ultimately you aren’t compatible overall.

I don’t think you’ve wasted 3 years, you’ve spent them in a loving comfortable relationship, don’t paint your partner to be a deceitful liar when in reality he is just human and is entitled to change his mind, regardless of any previous assurances.

MatildaTheCat · 02/08/2019 08:52

Has he said what he does want? Just continue as you are or does he want you to move to him?

YANBU, he’s really let you down. He’s had plenty of time to say he wasn’t sure.

MrsMozartMkII · 02/08/2019 08:57

What was his response when you said no?

C0untDucku1a · 02/08/2019 09:04

Why would you have to give up your job?

maddening · 02/08/2019 09:11

Yanbu at all, my friend met (now married to) a man who was widowed and had a dc and when they were buying close to where he lived she did express upset that it was further from her parents etc I did disagree with her as I would do the same as her now dh and would not want to destabilise the dc unnecessarily and an hour to drive to her parents was no great shakes compared to the. Impact to the dc. She has moved to her now dhs area and is totally happy.

Stick to your guns op.

PhillyLift · 02/08/2019 09:13

Sometimes when an idea stops being an idea and becomes closer to an actual reality it forces doubts to the surface. He might like the idea of moving in with you and being a family man on one level, but on another, he is probably not ready for that sort of lifestyle.

I don't think it is a betrayal, I think probably he has fully realised exactly how much his life will change by moving in with you and it's not for him right now. And honestly..I'm not sure I blame him. It's a big thing to go from having a busy social life and a degree of freedom to being 'dad' and being expected to have a much more family-oriented lifestyle.

It sounds like you both want different things.

Sunandrainallconfusedhere · 02/08/2019 09:15

He doesn't want his life to change does he?
I hope your savings are banked in your name op?
Back away is my advice. He isn't as committed as you were led to believe.
Before me and dh lived together his head was in the clouds about the plans he had for us - not him and his mates /family.

LittleKitty1985 · 02/08/2019 09:19

@Grumpos talks a lot of sense!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/08/2019 09:21

How did you envision this working?

That he'd go home every weekend and stay with parents/friends/hotels to go drinking? That he'd go home a night in the week?

It doesn't sound like his lifestyle is at all aligned to yours. He's living a single man's social life, he was never going to go from that to being a settled family man.

I don't think he's lied, but I think he's probably realised that he's not ready for that and he's not ready to give it all up.

I am sorry though, and I do think you're doing the right thing for your children.

feistymumma · 02/08/2019 09:25

That is a real shitty move. I could have written your post myself. I have just broken up with my ex for nearly the same reasons. Leading you on when they know full well they don't want to commit. Bastards. Don't uproot your children, either continue with the current set up or end it. I ended it.

OllyBJolly · 02/08/2019 09:50

You shouldn't feel betrayed. Disappointed maybe.

He's made the decision he feels is right for him. You have to make the decision that is right for you and your children. The cost of that might be the relationship but that doesn't make the decision wrong.

Original poster

RowRowRowBoat · 02/08/2019 11:14

Thinking about it further...

He's never even been that interested in a massively active social life to be honest. 99% of his weekends revolve around us. He does see his friends and have them over, but this is maybe once a week or once a fortnight. And most of the planned events (dinners, drinks) we go to together. It's not as though he has this giant social life with his friends. Ergo family, he sees them at the weekend mostly as he works FT. I'm going to explore this conversation further, and see if it could just be he is feeling nervous and jittery at the reality that our moving plans are materialising.

Either way I am going to suggest we have a break whilst we both think things through. I don't want him around the children at the moment given his current thoughts.

He wants me to live with him in his area with DC. He doesn't want to compromise and move elsewhere. My employment would be compromised as my commute would be too long, on top of shift work and juggling a longer commute for both of DC's schools.

Betrayal may be the wrong word. Very disappointed is probably better. It sucks when someone has made lots of promises to you (and your children) over years, then out of nowhere seems to completely change their mind about you. It makes me not want to date ever again to be honest. I'd rather be on my own then put myself and DC through all of this again. How do you ever know if someone is genuine, honest, not sure all along, going to change their mind years later etc...? I could cope if it was just me, but it's not.

OP posts:

Greeve · 02/08/2019 11:23

Be careful not to demonize him to your children. It already feels like he's being put on the naughty step for having doubts. I get that you want to limit further attachment in case he opts out but it's a thin line between disengagement and punishment.

Honestly? This is why I think blending families is so hard. Meeting someone who isn't just "okay" with what you want but whose plans independently align with yours is difficult but that's the best way of minimising these situations you're in. Personally, I think it's best to shelf joining finances etc until the kids are older.

Sewrainbow · 02/08/2019 11:37

I understand your feelings, he either never thought it out properly before, has got cold feet or friends and family are filling his ears with why should you compromise.

You know why he should make the compromise, if he can't see that's best for the kids then maybe you both aren't suited to this. He hasn't accepted the needs of you children are your priority.

Motoko · 02/08/2019 11:40

OP, where are your savings for the house buying? In your name only?

Original poster

RowRowRowBoat · 02/08/2019 11:43

My savings are in my own name and savings account. He also has his own savings account, the plan was to combine once we are ready to buy a house. I've had enough bitter experience in the past with relationships going south that I will always protect myself and DC above any man.

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/08/2019 11:54

I understand you feeling betrayed - I would too. For three years he has assured you that he is happy to move to you, so your kids and work don’t have to be disrupted. And now suddenly, their needs don’t matter, your needs don’t matter, he wants to stay near his mates and family so he can go for drinks easily He sounds immature at best. And yes it is a betrayal, it is pulling the rug out from everything you discussed together.

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