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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He’s leaving me, again. AIBU to care still?

73 replies

Thistlelair · 01/08/2019 20:16

I don’t even know where to start.
Partner left me 7 months pregnant, it was awful I hated it. We stayed in contact and he tried to be supportive (ish)
When baby was 4 months he came back. Begged me to sort it and wanted to make it right.
So I did. I tried I wanted it to work. I wanted my family and I wanted to know I’d tried.

Tonight he’s said he doesn’t think we’re compatible and he’s done. He said he thinks it would be fine if he tried but he ‘ doesn’t believe you should have to try in a relationship ‘
I just feel broke. I can’t do this again it’s awful.
He’s instantly saying when can he have the baby. Baby is 9 months and I do absolutely everything. Now what? I have to loose half my time cause he’s chose to leave ?
I hate this I’m so embarrassed I let him back.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 01/08/2019 20:18

No way would I agree to 50:50 in this sort of situation. No way. I am certain a lot of people want it because they won't have to pay child support.

Original poster
Thistlelair · 01/08/2019 20:19

I just don’t see how he can do this to me. Still since he returned he hasn’t done one night feed, everything is me. I do bath and bed every night. I don’t think I’d feel so bitter if he would just try Sad

OP posts:
Bunnica15 · 01/08/2019 20:44

I totally sympathy with you.
My partner and I broke up a few months ago, my baby is 10 months. it’s bloody heart wrenching. He also went on the missing list when I was pregnant and came back when DD was born.
We started off contact as every Wednesday at my house, and every other weekend fri-sun at his.
In all honesty that weekend was too long for me, my party days are over so I’d spend the whole time walking aimlessly round my house feeling shit and missing my family life. The Wednesday at mine were too much as I still had feelings there and spending that time together wasn’t helping me.
So now, I drop her to him at 4 on a Wednesday, he drops her back at 7.
He has her overnight every other Saturday and I’m finding that much easier.
It gets better, I promise. And don’t feel silly for taking him back before, I did the same. If you hadn’t tried you have been left wondering ‘what if’
I’m much better now than I was, and I’m actually starting to make plans with my time off and casually date. You will adjust, just allow yourself time xx

Original poster
Thistlelair · 01/08/2019 20:58

@bunnica15 thankyou so much. It feels absolutely awful. I just wish he’d try Sad I’m sure it will get easier. But I finally felt stronger when I took him back now I feel back to square one x

OP posts:
Bunnica15 · 01/08/2019 21:06

But sweetheart, why do you want someone to try who’s heart isn’t in it? Believe me, I felt the same. But how was your relationship when he came back? Was there intimacy and affection? Did you feel anxious when he was there because ‘something didn’t feel right’?
It’s only now, I can see things as they were.. sometimes we break our own hearts by hoping someone will change- please please stay strong, leave him be and try not text or call him. It only makes it worse xx

Original poster
Thistlelair · 02/08/2019 09:23

I just feel even worse today Sad I don’t know how I’m going to get through I again

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 02/08/2019 09:30

How heartbreaking for you. A man who has never done a night feed or put a baby to bed is highly unlikely to suddenly want to do this 50% of the time.

Have you asked what he wants? You hold the cards so decide what you can manage at this point and work from there. A young baby who has been cared for full time by her mother won’t be court ordered to have 50% of their time with their father.

Do you have family and friends to support you?

Original poster
Thistlelair · 02/08/2019 09:34

I havnt spoke to anyone in real life about this. I’m too embarrassed that I’ve let him back and now he’s leaving me again.
I’m worried about saying no. He can be so manipulative and verbally quite nasty. Today he is texting me calling me all sorts and it’s so draining.
I know if I tried to reiterate my point that I won’t be handing baby over 50\50 when I’m primary carer I’ll get so much grief. He has a large very vocal family- especially his mum.
My mum passed away a year ago and all I have is my dad. My dad who hates conflict and sees the good in everyone

OP posts:
2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 02/08/2019 09:40

Today he is texting me calling me all sorts and it’s so draining

More people will come on and give more advice but at the moment I would be making sure you screenshot all the texts to help your case in the future
And of course Flowers

MatildaTheCat · 02/08/2019 09:49

If he is unreasonable then you need legal advice. But do talk to your family and friends, they would be horrified that you were suffering alone.

Original poster
Thistlelair · 02/08/2019 10:06

I don’t think he thinks he’s unreasonable that’s the problem Sad I’ve no idea what to think he’s saying he wants the baby this weekend when she’s never even had a night away from me. I don’t know how it’s fair

OP posts:
littlepaddypaws · 02/08/2019 10:06

you really need to call it a day and cut ties with this person, but get cms sorted out. he sounds a waste of space, you and your child deserve so much better than someone who is verbal abusing you and obviously doesn't care. i've been through this and it is hard because you keep thinking it'll get better but it doesn't. you will feel stronger once you let him go for good.

littlepaddypaws · 02/08/2019 10:08

meant to say supervised access if need be, if he wants to see dc let him go through the courts and don't let yourself be bullied by the mother or family.

mummmy2017 · 02/08/2019 10:11

You tell him. ..NO.
Tell him your willing to talk about over nights when baby is older but not yet....

MothratheMighty · 02/08/2019 10:13

You don’t believe he’s being unreasonable?
FFS why not? He has no experience of parenting his child, and wants her 50/50?
Grow a spine and prioritise your baby instead of the sperm donor.

mummmy2017 · 02/08/2019 10:14

Oh and when you feel ready, get him to text or email in writing what you have agreed.
Do Child Support now, as men tend to stop paying to bully you into doing things their way.

Original poster
Thistlelair · 02/08/2019 10:15

Sorry no I meant he doesn’t think he’s being unreasonable- I definitely do.
He believes that because he’s lived with her he gets that right- and he said obviously he would have to get up with her and do stuff if I wasn’t there.
I just know how much verbal abuse I’ll get

OP posts:
Leaah · 02/08/2019 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MothratheMighty · 02/08/2019 10:22

He’s wrong and you are right. Get another phone and don’t give him the number. If he wants access, he’ll have to go through the courts.
Don’t let him back in, or his bloody family.

sadkoala · 02/08/2019 10:25

Screenshot the texts. Make sure contact is only in written form so you can have all the evidence of what he has said if he ever tries to deny it.

He has not been there for the first month's of your baby's life and like hell he can now dictate to you when and where he sees them.

Do CMS now. Is he employed?

You tell him what suits YOU and your baby re contact. If it's once a week to start with or if it's for a few hours at your house with another person present (if it's just you and him he can try intimidate you so make sure there's a third party/potential witness if that's what you decide on).

If he keeps making unreasonable demands let him take you to court for access if he wishes. He has only been in the baby's life for 5 out of 9 months. He has never done a night feed or looked after her on his own before.

Good luck.

Original poster
Thistlelair · 02/08/2019 10:25

I don’t think making him go through the courts will help anytbinf at all, he isn’t a bad dad- he just doesn’t do anything so I think it would be such a shock for the baby to just send her off nights at a time it isn’t something I’m comfortable with at all. But I know he will try and make out I’m not agreeing just because he’s left me again

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 02/08/2019 10:26

No way would I agree to 50:50 in this sort of situation. No way. I am certain a lot of people want it because they won't have to pay child support.

This.

Also, to the PP which said he wont want 50/50 ... you'd be surprised how many ambivalent dads suddenly become earth fathers when they have a woman they expect to do all the grunt work new girlfriend.

MyFokMarelize · 02/08/2019 10:30

he isn’t a bad dad

He IS a bad dad. He plays no part in the care and comfort of his child by your own admission. He swans in and out of your life causing you emotional distress. Trust me - trust all of us on this. He very much IS a bad dad.

katewhinesalot · 02/08/2019 10:33

Tell him he can have her for a few hours and build up to having her overnight.

Original poster
Thistlelair · 02/08/2019 10:40

Thankyou for the advice. I think I just feel so numb that I thought everything was ok now suddenly he’s leaving and demanding access. I don’t know if he’s doing it to get to me or because he thinks it’s the right thing. Because from what I’ve seen at home he’s no interest in being a full time dad ?
How do I deal with all the messages ?
He’s coming to get his stuff after work. He’s being really quite nasty now

OP posts: