He’s leaving me, again. AIBU to care still?

[Thistlelair]

I don’t even know where to start.
Partner left me 7 months pregnant, it was awful I hated it. We stayed in contact and he tried to be supportive (ish)
When baby was 4 months he came back. Begged me to sort it and wanted to make it right.
So I did. I tried I wanted it to work. I wanted my family and I wanted to know I’d tried.

Tonight he’s said he doesn’t think we’re compatible and he’s done. He said he thinks it would be fine if he tried but he ‘ doesn’t believe you should have to try in a relationship ‘
I just feel broke. I can’t do this again it’s awful.
He’s instantly saying when can he have the baby. Baby is 9 months and I do absolutely everything. Now what? I have to loose half my time cause he’s chose to leave ?
I hate this I’m so embarrassed I let him back.

He is a bad Father. A good father does fifty percent of the parenting when he is at home and wants to be home with his child and partner when he is not at work.

Your baby needs her primary carer which is you. Can you imagine how distressing it will be if you are not there.

Pack his stuff up and send it to his parents, change the locks and do not let him back in. Call Women’s Aid and see if someone can advise you on how to handle contact but if it were me, I would be insisting on a 3rd party being present.

Does he have PR ? If he does then you will have to go to Court if he won’t return the baby. There have been heartbreaking threads on here when fathers have done this.

Keep all his abusive texts and if he or any relatives turn up and try to intimidate you, then call the police. He is trying to bully you and you need to make him think that he can’t.

Keep calm and be very determined.

He is on the birth certificate yeah this terrifies me. He bought the cot in the nursery so he said he is taking that with him. I just don’t understand what I’ve done to deserve this

If you don't feel comfortable or think he will be nasty/threatening or intimidating in any way when he turns up pack his stuff up and leave it outside when he's due to come for it.
Has he got a house key? - if so keep yours in the lock so he can't get in.

Keep any communication calm and factual.
E.g. XP: "You've locked me out of my house"
You: "No you have left on x date and have requested your things. They are outside. You have no reason to come into my house".

XP: You're stopping me from seeing my child.
You: No I am not. I have given you x and y options which I think work best in her interest and wellbeing and you refused to consider them. You are more than welcome to see her on x date at y time for z amount of time.

I’m just so worried of the backlash of any of my actions he can be very very manipulative.
Realistically what contact do I even offer at this age ? What’s normal?

FFS he is NOT taking the cot. It is a provision for his child.

I do hope you have this in writing OP!
Do message him and ask what does he propose your baby sleeps on from now since he has told you he is taking away her bed.

Do not speak on the phone. Message/email only.

I really feel for you thistle.
It must be horrible to be in this situation and it's very easy for us to comment from the outside as we are not feeling your current emotions.

I'm sure more posters will be along soon but Google the Grey Rock technique. Don't give him room to be manipulative. Make contact very factual. Do not get emotional or feed into his attempts at control.

You do not have to allow him any contact. I probably would do something limited to start off with for maybe a couple of hours a week somewhere public like a playcentre. You can alway build up from that of it does go ok but tbh it doesn't sound like it will so far.

If it comes down to it and he presses for things you do not think are beneficial to your child you say no. He can go to court if he wishes.

Take a minute and breathe. You now need to find your inner warrior.
Please don’t let him manipulate you, stand up and say no, this is not in the best interest of our child.
Tell him he can see the baby at home. Go and see a solicitor ASAP. Take back your power you need to be that warrior.

Please speak to womens aid and get support.

Ignore his messages or just reply factually.

He is lashing out at you to divert you from HIS behaviour.

Please tell someone, the shame is not yours. Any decent dad would be focussing on the babies needs, not his own. Please get advice first but you may want to suggest mediation. He may calm down but he seems vindictive and that may not change. Seems as if he is in the cycle of devalue & discard. Do you suspect he had someone else when he disappeared?

Would contacting a Child Custody solicitor or service (such as CAB) help you at all OP?

Have you any evidence of his going AWOL previously with not a care in the world until he came back to you begging for a second chance? If he were so invested why did he leave it until your DC was four months old?

Before he decided to leave again (and any idiot who thinks a successful relationship doesn’t involve “trying” is an absolute pillock) what was his parenting like? Was he fully on board in looking after your DC and do his fair share (honestly?) would you feel confident he could care for DC’s needs for one day alone? These are all the questions my friend had to consider when she and her ex split and he (after being a waster and a ‘Disney Dad’ before they even separated!) demanded 50/50 if not full custody.

Is he on DC’s birth certificate? I would imagine not if he didn’t turn up until they were 4 months old. This can be important when adding to your case if you go the legal route (which I would recommend).

Any abusive/manipulative texts need to be saved and try your best to remain level headed should you choose to respond to him at any point. If he badgers you stick to a standard dispassionate response.

I’m not saying cut him off or anything drastic, but you are and have always been primary carer for your DC. You have been there from conception to now (and will continue to be there) you haven’t swanned in and out of their life, so unless you can think of a reason why 50/50 with him isn’t such a bad idea (I only have a window into the situation but I’d say he’s already proven to be unreliable at best, at worst, you’ve said he’s aggressive and a manipulator) try not to let him bully you into anything.

I understand, as best I can, how drained and emotionally battered you must feel - but I urge you as one internet stranger to another, to not roll over. Seek legal advice as soon as you can and get the ball rolling if necessary on a childcare solution that benefits your DC. Try to keep them as your priority when it comes to the agreement that is set in place.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this @Thistlelair I wish you all the best. PM if you feel like a rant, I can’t offer much in the way of advice, but I can listen (well, read in this context!)

Sorry was typing so some of my questions were answered but the thread didn’t update.

I still urge you to seek legal advice and ignore his bullying, just save every text as another example of his true behaviour so he can’t manipulate others into thinking he’s the victim. All the best x

Don't respond emotionally. Step back and try to take the emotion out of it. Be calm and factual. Don't rise to his baiting you. Get legal advice asap from a solicitor, CAB and/or women's aid.

he isn’t a bad dad- he just doesn’t do anything

OP read that again - you know he's not a good dad. Good dad's don't do everything they can to avoid looking after their child and then try and take their child's bed away from them!

Do you honestly believe that he would look after baby well and that they would be safe with him for the weekend? If not, forget the verbal abuse as shitty as it is. It's a price worth paying to keep your darling baby safe.

Sorry if I’ve missed some points so I’ll fill them in-
He left when I was 7 months pregnant but stayed in contact
Came to birth and is on birth certificate
We had different views regarding contact as he wanted over nights at 2 weeks old..
We went to medication- it didn’t go well as the mediator fully engaged with what I said regarding contact and then her dad really wasn’t happy about this
I’m not sure what changed but everything settle down nd we got back together

Now his argument is he doesn’t have to prove himself as a dad and she is half his. I could understand this more if he adopted this at home. But at home everything is my job? He’s still never even had her alone

Mediation**

Try to see him as a toddler having a tantrum. He's yelling and thrashing about and throwing his toys around. It's kind of pitiful, really. Don't look at the content of his messages, just look at it as a silly tantrum. He can't deal with things like an adult, so he's resorting to this nonsense.

Dis. En. Gage.

Go back to mediation. Let him drag this all through the courts. It will cost him and absolute fortune. I'd bet my bottom dollar that he will not go to court.

Don't agree to any of his demands and instruct him to only contact you through a solicitor.

do you have anyone who can be with you when he comes to get his stuff? if not I would firmly say the time isn't good for you and will need to be rearranged. Don't let him in the house until you have someone there who can support you and make sure he doesn't try to intimidate you or take things he shouldn't. If the baby is still using the cot then the cot should stay in place. He left, he will need to kit out a new home, and you and he may need to come to some kind of financial agreement on that, but taking away the baby's bed is not the action of a good father.

He IS a bad dad. Not doing anything for his baby in all that time. Never even been alone with her. Calling you names and threatening to take the baby's cot. The fact you are worried repercussions from his family only adds to him being a bad dad that you need to protect yourself from.

Don't be embarrassed or try to protect this low life. Is there someone who can help you over the bump in the road until you feel stronger. Father, aunt, siblings, good friends etc.

Pack up his stuff and have it ready outside. Dont let him into the house. If he tries to force his way in phone the police.
Tell him you will discuss contact when he has had a chance to calm down. Then ignore him like you would an angry 3 year old.

Someone could be a good parent but be in an unhappy relationship and not want to spend time with their partner. If this happens when the child is young, it could mean they spend less time with the baby.

Is your child breastfed?

As a mediator myself, I've seen many cases where the father on this case did successfully end up with 50/50 custody. It would be easy for a solicitor to argue that he left and came back because of the baby but ultimately, he can't be the dad he wants to be with you as his partner. Then unless you can prove he is incapable of looking after the baby, you're left having to prove that 50/50 would be bad for the baby.

IME, children younger than toddlers are thought to adapt to these arrangements better than toddlers+. I think he has the best chance of getting 50/50 now.

He's a crap dad and a horrible person.

If possible, don't let him into your home, I presume it's in your name alone and not his? I wouldn't be comfortable with him taking baby alone when he's in this sort of mindset, I think mediation/court order may be necessary for any contact.

He could argue that he hasn't had her alone because you're controlling/overbearing and that would go in his favour.

He’s a shit dad. In fact he’s not a dad, he’s a sperm donor.

The ONLY reason he came back to you was because someone (probably his mother) told him to. I would imagine she said that if he came back and lived with his child that he would automatically get 50:50 and wouldn’t have to pay maintenance.

He didn’t come back to try and make a go of it with you, he came back because he has no balls and his mummy wants to get her hooks into your child and make sure her precious little boy (your dickhead ex-partner) doesn’t have to man up and deal with his responsibilities.

Don’t worry, in less than a year he’ll have another kid by some other poor girl and he won’t be interested in yours anymore.

I'd think very carefully before striking out with a court order to let him see her. That could make you seem malicious and trying to punish him for not wanting you.

@greeve
I’m not sure where you’ve got I’m controlling and not letting him? His argument is he wants to relax after work and on a weekend he also wants to relax. Not once has he ever suggested taking her anywhere etc and not once have I ever stopped him.
I also said earlier i don’t think taking this to court is necessary- I don’t want him to not have contact. I simply wanted him to understand my view that my daughters needs are different to his and I don’t think 50/50 would be fair on her