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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He’s leaving me, again. AIBU to care still?

73 replies

Thistlelair · 01/08/2019 20:16

I don’t even know where to start.
Partner left me 7 months pregnant, it was awful I hated it. We stayed in contact and he tried to be supportive (ish)
When baby was 4 months he came back. Begged me to sort it and wanted to make it right.
So I did. I tried I wanted it to work. I wanted my family and I wanted to know I’d tried.

Tonight he’s said he doesn’t think we’re compatible and he’s done. He said he thinks it would be fine if he tried but he ‘ doesn’t believe you should have to try in a relationship ‘
I just feel broke. I can’t do this again it’s awful.
He’s instantly saying when can he have the baby. Baby is 9 months and I do absolutely everything. Now what? I have to loose half my time cause he’s chose to leave ?
I hate this I’m so embarrassed I let him back.

OP posts:

Greeve · 02/08/2019 12:24

The truth is rarely relevant in many cases. How something could seem or be twisted to appear usually takes precedence over truth.

I'm suggesting you think more carefully about the reasons why you think he shouldn't have it. Being breastfed is one although there was a case where a woman was told to stop BF to facilitate overnight contact with the dad. I've seen where they've said that it's ideal for the 50/50 schedule to start because the child is still a baby.

alligatorsmile · 02/08/2019 12:25

No, I don't think 50/50 would be fair on her at all. He's putting his own needs and wants above those of his daughter. That's all you need to know about him. Who takes a child's bed away to score a point??

Original poster

Thistlelair · 02/08/2019 12:26

@greeve
I can’t believe that anyone would believe that a baby that’s never had a night away from her mother should be handed over 50/50 rather than building it up in the child’s best interests.
This is depressing

OP posts:

Greeve · 02/08/2019 12:32

If it's thought that the mother is obstructive to the bond between the other parent then "building it up" isn't really a possibility. They'll make the decision to take that out of that parent's control, even if it isn't ideal. They'll think of it as them not being able to do what would be ideal because the parent(s) inability to separate their relationship from their parenting obligations.

Greeve · 02/08/2019 12:32

That's why I'm saying to be cautious of how your actions could seem in the right light.

KUGA · 02/08/2019 12:35

Totally agree with others opinions.
Please don't let him get to you.
It is best you find out now what he is like than waste many years with someone like him.
There is someone out there who will respect you.

Whosorrynow · 02/08/2019 12:36

He sounds immature abusive and manipulative, cut him out of your life, he will never step up and do the right thing he will only ever be a drain on your energy

Whosorrynow · 02/08/2019 12:38

You need to be clever and strategic here, keep detailed notes of everything that happens, this man only cares about himself

LagunaBubbles · 02/08/2019 12:43

don’t think making him go through the courts will help anytbinf at all, he isn’t a bad dad- he just doesn’t do anything

Eh, so how does not doing anything at all make him a good Dad?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/08/2019 12:49

Please get real life legal advice and don't just believe everything you read on here. Call Women's Aid they will have advice and phone numbers and make sure you are not alone with him when he comes to collect his things, you've said he's being verbally aggressive. Record /screenshot everything.

Original poster

Thistlelair · 02/08/2019 12:49

@lagunabubbles
Yeah I sound abit naive there. He isn’t a bad dad as in I know he loves her. But care wise everything is me, from buying nappies to feeding to hospital appointments everything is me. He will play with her before bed sometimes but he is always just sat on the sofa relaxing

OP posts:

Whosorrynow · 02/08/2019 12:52

He is a bad dad, a good parent puts their child's interests first, he only cares about himself, he's a bad dad

gingersausage · 02/08/2019 13:02

Wow he plays with her! Give the boy a fucking medal.

Jesus love your standards are so unbelievably low for what you think makes a father.

TheSerenDipitY · 02/08/2019 13:38

LISTEN t the advice given to you, much of it comes from ladies who have been in your situation
and ladies who have had to fight to keep their children or get them back from a father who decided to keep them longer than agreed
that is what you could face if you dont get a court ordered visitation schedule organised... because his name is on the birth certificate he can take the child and you can do fuck all about it
so LISTEN AND TAKE THE ADVICE!!!
EVERYTHING IN WRITING
MAKE HIM GO TO COURT FOR ACCESS
CMS TODAY
its not about him being a good/bad dad its about him having the right to walk off with her and not give her back and you having to fight for her.... so ummmm WAKE UP LADY

Original poster

Thistlelair · 02/08/2019 14:03

I don’t even know what to say. Obviously I’m in shock by this situation but surely stopping contact is also detrimental to her. Regardless of how hands on he is he still sees her most days. My point purely was I’m worried that hedoesnt understand why I don’t think 50/50 is best atm. I’m worried he will say it’s purely my emotions because he’s left me- which it isn’t. Obviously I’m heart broken but I also think I’m trying to be realistic

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 02/08/2019 14:30

If you got on well with the mediator last time, can you get back in touch? Contact them now and say you need help with setting up a contact agreement. If it does go to court it will be in your best interests that you can prove you weren’t being obstructive but were concerned for your child’s best interests. Given his disinterest before, I’m guessing his Mum is probably behind his current demands.

Pack his shit up and text him to collect it from outside your place. Do not let him in, he no longer lives there. Get in the habit of communicating in writing (if he’s abusive, it will easier to prove this).

It might not feel like it right now but him leaving, was the kindest thing he could have done for you because if he hadn’t, you’d still be making excuses for this waste of space.

Write him an email offering him contact with a reasonable timetable about building up to overnights (don’t forget to include in great detail his disengagement as a parent thus far and how that behaviour is the only reason for wanting a gradual contact build up). If he refuses then, suggest the mediator and if he refuses that then he will have to explain to a judge why he won’t engage in a constructive discussion.

Contact CMS immediately.

You can and will get through this but you do need to accept that a ‘happy ever after’ was never on the cards with this arse.

Jamiefraserskilt · 02/08/2019 14:49

Pack up his stuff and leave it at the back door.
Create a listing of things he will need in place before you allow him to take her for access. Nappies, travel cot, car seat, clothes etc. Nothing comes from your house.
If he wants to be a hands on Dad, let him get on with it. Step back and watch him get bored or hand the job to his Mum or even grow up and work it out for himself.
Make firm arrangements on collection and delivery and stick to it. Your child will not suffer as he has his Mum if he needs support.
Sadly, despite the efforts to reconcile, it has not worked so focus on the practical and leave the emotional to one side when you are dealing with him. Keep all texts but don't respond unless it is about access.
I fear this one will end up in court where a judge will decide what is in her best interests but it will save a lot of emotional blackmail in the longer term.
As to embarrassment, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You tried. He didn't.

cakeandchampagne · 02/08/2019 15:02

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney is right- save any texts & emails. (But don’t let him know you’re saving them.) You might need them later.

Whosorrynow · 02/08/2019 16:55

I’m worried that he doesnt understand why I don’t think 50/50 is best atm
he doesnt want to understand you, he's only interested in his own comfort and convenience

Whosorrynow · 02/08/2019 16:59

he's just a dick, he's never going to act like a grown up and do the right thing
he's too weak to treat you with respect, he will only ever treat you as if you are beneath him in order to protect his own fragile sense of self esteem, you cant fix him, focus on you and your child

Chakano · 02/08/2019 17:00

As you do everything he will have to have access for an hour here and there whilst you are present.
Stop taking him back, let this be it now. His heart isn't with you so why want a man like this.
He was only a partner not like you were married or anything, move on and find someone who wants to protect you through marriage.

ashtrayheart · 02/08/2019 17:04

https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/ you can get some legal advice here. I feel for you but you can get through this (don't take him back again!)

avocadoincident · 02/08/2019 17:36

I almost think let him take the cot. That's going to look great in court.

I wouldn't reply to any messages from him but don't block him, keep the texts coming from him as evidence. Advise him that it's next to communicate through solicitors from now on.

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