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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you would be upset if your DP done this?

89 replies

Goodbyes1 · 01/08/2019 09:10

My DP and I have been together for nearly 2 years, we don’t live together yet but live 10 mins walking distance from each other. He’s going abroad to a friends wedding, he had to be in the airport in the early hours of the morning today, and just texted me that he’s landed before flying again to his destination in a few hours.

I saw him on Tuesday, he said he’d come round on Wednesday to say goodbye. He didn’t, he spent all Wednesday with a friend who’s also going to the wedding. Eating steak, and shopping posting pics on Facebook. I was sad that he won’t spend this last day with me, but I accepted it. But I expected to at least text me “ Hey, I’m on the way to the airport now. Will text you when I’ve landed” or something like that.

AIBU to be upset that he didn’t say goodbye in person, or at least text before heading to the airport? I read a thread while ago on here, the title of the thread was “ How did you know he was a keeper”, and a few post stuck out to me which was “ He drove miles to just see me for 5 mins..” or “ he went out in the rain trying to get a signal, so he could text me goodnight”. I just feel so sad knowing that these men went out of their way to speak/see their partners, but my partner can’t even say goodbye before leaving the country for 10 days.

He’s lovely in other ways, but I’m tired of the constant arguments . We make up, and then week or two later something happens, and we’re back to arguing again. We made up a week before today, and now we’re back to being upset again. It’s so draining, and frustrating. He said he wants to FaceTime whilst he’s there, but I don’t really want to see or speak to him now. I feel like this is the last straw that broke the camels back. I don’t want to bring it up now, because I don’t really want to ruin his trip. But AIBU to just ignore him until he gets back? I know he’s going to use every excuse he can, he was busy/ caught up etc. But surely you have time to a quick text whilst sitting in the cab on the way to the airport?

OP posts:

eggsandwich · 01/08/2019 10:39

Sadly I thinks its time for you to text him goodbye permanently.

Someone who really loves and cares about you will follow I’m sure.

KungFuPandaWorks · 01/08/2019 10:49

eggs wait you're suggesting ending a relationship via phone whilst he's away on holiday, because he didn't text whilst at the airport? And if he loves he will follow? What kind of head games is that.

ddl1 · 01/08/2019 10:52

I wouldn't be upset by this, no. Not if it was his usual style - if it was very out of character, it might worry me. However, the fact that you have constant arguments that you find 'draining' suggests that you are not very compatible, and that the relationship is not working well at least at the moment.

AutumnCrow · 01/08/2019 10:53

I think @eggsandwich means a new chap will turn up and follow on from the last one?

HypatiaCade · 01/08/2019 11:03

It sounds like rather than being a priority to him, you're just an option.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 01/08/2019 11:07

Ignoring him for his entire trip is petty and immature.

Original poster

Goodbyes1 · 01/08/2019 11:14

Thank you all for replying. He didn't text or call me on Wednesday to say he couldn't make it, just didn't show up. Judging by the pictures on Facebook, I just assumed he got caught up with his friend. Fine, but I just expected at least a text to say he's sorry he couldn't make it Wednesday but is now on the way to the airport.

We argue a lot about him cancelling plans and then not telling me until I call/text him to see where he is.

Say we're due to meet on Tuesday after work at 7pm. He's fine with it, and we go to work as usual. Something apparently happens at 11am, his mum/his friend/work/car problems etc. Doesn't say anything, and I'm at work expecting us to meet at 7pm. I call him at 7pm to ask where he is, and apparently this and that happened, he can't make it. I asked him many times, why are you waiting until the last minute when you knew all along at 11am. He 'understands' apologies, and next week I know he does it again. Her never listens and learns from the arguments, just goes back to doing it again and again, thinking it's fine when we make up. And I'm tired of the cycle.

And I agree with the poster who said we have different expectations and clash because of that. This is what it feels like all the time, he does things that makes me upset but he sees nothing wrong with it. This was really important for me, I'd never leave the country without saying goodbye to him first but he sees nothing wrong with it. Sometimes I think maybe it's me, maybe I'm 'hard work' and expecting too much?

He just sent me pictures and videos

OP posts:

Funghi · 01/08/2019 11:14

You’re upset because he ‘didn’t spend his last day with you’? He’s not dying you’ll see him once he’s back. Although from the sounds of it there’ll be something new to argue about once he is back.

It’s silly to choose the best bits of other people’s relationships as missing from your own.

Shockers · 01/08/2019 11:15

I don’t text my DH when I’m away because I’m generally getting on with what I’m doing. I’m really glad he doesn’t mind because we have a great marriage! However, if he told me it really mattered to him, I’d make more of an effort.

Communication is your friend; daft tit for tat ignoring, isn’t.

Yabbers · 01/08/2019 11:15

He’s lovely in other ways, but I’m tired of the constant arguments

You want to pick a fight with him because he didn’t text to say he was travelling to an airport.

And because he spent time with a friend (eating steak??)

And because he doesn’t do some above and beyond shit you read somebody’s partner did on MN?

I’m guessing he’s tired of the constant arguments too. A relationship shouldn’t be such hard work at 5 months.

scaryteacher · 01/08/2019 11:16

Get over yourself OP, and I mean that nicely. My dh used to go away for 8 weeks, no contact whatsoever as he was under the water, and if I managed to get a couple of hours with him the day before they sailed I was doing well.

He now travels a lot for work; often going to the office, then off for a week. He'll let me know he's arrived, but won't text goodbye, as he is working, and focussed on other things.

Your dp is gone for 10 days, not forever. You are on the right path to losing him if you are this needy. Perhaps he feels stifled?

LegionOfDoom · 01/08/2019 11:20

I was all ready to tell you yabu and clingy. After your most recent update though, I take that back.

He isn't that into you. If he knew at 11am that he couldn’t meet you, he should have told you then. A text message takes seconds. Leaving you hanging on all day, so you can’t make other plans, is very selfish. Also, if he specifically told you he would come see you wed, and then doesn’t turn up, shows total disregard for you.

Just break up with him and find someone who treats you better

PrincessScarlett · 01/08/2019 11:21

It's not normal to constantly argue when you don't even live together. This relationship sounds like too much hard work.

Given your update that he always cancels plans and doesn't tell you I think that implies he doesn't see your relationship as particularly important, you are not important, and you are in a casual relationship. It would appear that you both have completely different expectations and you need to have a serious think about whether you have a future together.

Illberidingshotgun · 01/08/2019 11:22

Neither of you sound happy, tbh. He's frequently making arrangements with you and then not turning up, which is rude, so perhaps he sees the relationship in different terms to you, and as a much more casual thing? You don't seems happy at all, and in these early days, when you are even living together but still dating, it should be fun. Take the time that he is away to think carefully about whether this is the right relationship for you.

eggsandwich · 01/08/2019 11:32

Kungfu

As other poster said I meant another chap will follow.

newmomof1 · 01/08/2019 11:32

Yeah your update changes everything and he's a selfish prick. Don't waste any more time waiting around for him.

SummerInTheVillage · 01/08/2019 11:33

He really doesn't care enough about you to keep you in the loop. No basis for a proper relationship.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/08/2019 11:57

I mean it's not that big of a deal but I'd like it if my OH said good bye to me to, or wanted to because he would miss me I guess?

AryaStarkWolf · 01/08/2019 12:05

Oh sorry just read your update, I wouldn't be happy about that at all. He doesn't seem to have you as a high priority, that would be a deal breaker for me

AutumnCrow · 01/08/2019 12:07

We argue a lot about him cancelling plans and then not telling me until I call/text him to see where he is.

Thought so.

He's rude, uncaring and self-absorbed. Don't waste any more time on him.

Do not have a baby with this waster. KLAXON on that.

Bluntness100 · 01/08/2019 12:10

Ok the update is a major drip feed and worse than the op. If he stands you up repeatedly that's shit. Why are you still with him?

happybunny007 · 01/08/2019 12:16

He doesn’t respect your time and by putting up with it again and again you are allowing it to happen. Those saying that the OP is hard work have presumably missed that he told her he would come over and just didn’t bother. That’s not acceptable and from your update it seems a pattern in his wider behaviour. He won’t change.

Original poster

Goodbyes1 · 01/08/2019 12:21

So what do I do now? He keeps sending me videos and pictures, I don't really want to speak to him as I'm still upset. He doesn't know I'm upset, and if I tell him I know it's going to ruin the trip for him, so don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Mitzimaybe · 01/08/2019 12:27

Your second post (a bit of a drip feed) puts a different slant on it. Expecting a text to say he's on his way to the airport sounds crazy. He would have expected you to be asleep then, so the text between flights seems reasonable enough to me.

However, he said he'd come round on Wednesday to say goodbye and he just didn't turn up. He has history for doing this regularly, arranging to meet you then just not turning up (without letting you know) because something else has cropped up. YANBU to be annoyed about this but if you've made it clear to him that it's not acceptable, and he keeps doing it, then he's really not bothered about upsetting you, is he? He's just not that into you. You're his "nice to do when there's nothing better on" girlfriend.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Ditch him and move on. There's no future in the relationship. If you married him and had kids, you'd be sat at home minding the baby and he'd promise to come home early to give you a break, then he'd roll in at midnight because something had cropped up. That's no way to live.

AutumnCrow · 01/08/2019 12:31

Who cares if his trip's ruined if you're going to dump him?

And (a) his trip won't be ruined, (b) you're making excuses now for staying in this shit relationship.

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