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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would be upset if your DP done this?

89 replies

Goodbyes1 · 01/08/2019 09:10

My DP and I have been together for nearly 2 years, we don’t live together yet but live 10 mins walking distance from each other. He’s going abroad to a friends wedding, he had to be in the airport in the early hours of the morning today, and just texted me that he’s landed before flying again to his destination in a few hours.

I saw him on Tuesday, he said he’d come round on Wednesday to say goodbye. He didn’t, he spent all Wednesday with a friend who’s also going to the wedding. Eating steak, and shopping posting pics on Facebook. I was sad that he won’t spend this last day with me, but I accepted it. But I expected to at least text me “ Hey, I’m on the way to the airport now. Will text you when I’ve landed” or something like that.

AIBU to be upset that he didn’t say goodbye in person, or at least text before heading to the airport? I read a thread while ago on here, the title of the thread was “ How did you know he was a keeper”, and a few post stuck out to me which was “ He drove miles to just see me for 5 mins..” or “ he went out in the rain trying to get a signal, so he could text me goodnight”. I just feel so sad knowing that these men went out of their way to speak/see their partners, but my partner can’t even say goodbye before leaving the country for 10 days.

He’s lovely in other ways, but I’m tired of the constant arguments . We make up, and then week or two later something happens, and we’re back to arguing again. We made up a week before today, and now we’re back to being upset again. It’s so draining, and frustrating. He said he wants to FaceTime whilst he’s there, but I don’t really want to see or speak to him now. I feel like this is the last straw that broke the camels back. I don’t want to bring it up now, because I don’t really want to ruin his trip. But AIBU to just ignore him until he gets back? I know he’s going to use every excuse he can, he was busy/ caught up etc. But surely you have time to a quick text whilst sitting in the cab on the way to the airport?

OP posts:
FishCanFly · 01/08/2019 09:47

I read a thread while ago on here, the title of the thread was “ How did you know he was a keeper”, and a few post stuck out to me which was “ He drove miles to just see me for 5 mins..” or “ he went out in the rain trying to get a signal, so he could text me goodnight”.
YABU. If you compare yourself to fictional relationships of someone else, you'll never be content.
As for not texting you... Meh. What did people do before mobile phones? You just had to accept they're ok, they are where they said they'd be. And if "something happens" - you'll get to know. Expecting texts of "goodnight" everynight - sorry, but you aren't teenagers anymore.

CheekyFocker · 01/08/2019 09:48

I do sometimes think we have to be explicit about what we want in terms of communication. Did you ask him to come round and say goodbye? I know we would like our partners to always give us the attention we think we should be getting but sometimes we do have to spell it out. It's perfectly possible he was having a lovely time with his friend and thought he'd just call you when he landed.

it wouldn't be a crisis in my book but it sounds like there are other issues that are bothering you

I agree with previous posters. Ignoring him is childish. When he gets back, either tell him you need more in terms of communication or tell him it's over. Giving him the silent treatment isn't going to solve anything!

ASundayWellSpent · 01/08/2019 09:48

I can see why you would like you are not a priority for him given what you say, but being needy won't make him pay you more attention. You either need to communicate better or accept you're not very compatible in some things. It would have been nice sure, but he isn't a mind reader either.

Those examples sound nice, but its also the behaviour of an emotionally abusive ex of mine (and others I'm sure). It's called love bombing and I wouldn't be holding my relationship up to those standards.

I would be more worried about all the arguments. You haven't been together that long and aren't even living together yet. It all sounds a bit too much effort, stress and drama to be a relationship that would stand the distance.

CatInADoghouse · 01/08/2019 09:50

It doesn't sound like you're compatible at all. You can't expect him to behave in a certain way or to know exactly what he needs to do to keep you happy and if he doesn't do what you think he should do you just fall out with him. I think YABU.

Floralnomad · 01/08/2019 09:54

The current issue aside you do not sound right for each other . You do not live together , have no children together and are presumably financially independent of each other yet you argue constantly . Frankly you need to move on and find someone that you don’t argue with as much .

Adversecamber22 · 01/08/2019 09:54

Constant arguing is a bad sign, sounds like the relationship isn’t great overall.what are the arguments about?

I am a non needy like time alone person, my DH travels a lot and we barely text or email each other. So a week trip would consist of a I have arrived text and possibly a msg or two in the whole week. if I had a partner who had made a plan and then just didn’t show up though I would not be happy. For me it’s mainly a bad manners issue. So if he had messaged and said sorry I’m now doing x so won’t be popping in that would be fine.

SummerInTheVillage · 01/08/2019 09:58

If you argue all the time is there any point in carrying on the relationship?

newmomof1 · 01/08/2019 09:58

Ok so you say you argue a lot, but something as small as 'why didn't he text me to say goodbye' is enough to start an argument?
That sounds pretty childish on your part.
Why does he need to say goodbye if you're going to be in contact anyway? It's not like he's flying to Mars.

Did he tell you he wasn't going to see you on Wednesday or did he just not turn up when he was supposed to?

INeedAFlerken · 01/08/2019 09:59

Something this small -the timing of a text- wouldn't be such a big deal if your relationship was a solid, happy one.

Perhaps you should take the next 10 days to really think about your relationship and whether or not your happy a lot more than unhappy in it. Because it sounds like you're not and it's perhaps time to move on?

NancyJoan · 01/08/2019 10:00

In isolation, the texting thing is no big deal. If I have to get up for an early flight I can barely function, and I focused on not being late, remembering my passport etc, finding the gate. I’m not up for cosy texts.

The constant arguments, on the other hand sounds really wearing. What are you getting from this, and where do you think it’s going?

SomeAfternoonDelight · 01/08/2019 10:01

OP it’s okay to have expectations, but you need to understand what they are first before you expect anyone to meet them. I’m clingy, there’s nothing wrong with that. But I explained to my DP when we first dating and I have with any other person from first dating what my expectations are and if they can’t meet them I don’t want to waste my very little precious time on earth. This way, they know I’m a nightmare and can take it or leave it. I am clingy. I like to see my partner all the time. I want to come first in most but not every instance. He knew this signed up for it and we’re happy as Larry. But my advice to you is - fuck him off.

AutumnCrow · 01/08/2019 10:01

he said he’d come round on Wednesday to say goodbye. He didn’t

Did he at least send a message with his apologies? Because that's pretty rude.

BertrandRussell · 01/08/2019 10:02

What are the constant arguments about?

IAskTooManyQuestions · 01/08/2019 10:03

I was sad that he won’t spend this last day with me

Please tell me he's going for 3 months, not 5 days

Gruzinkerbell1 · 01/08/2019 10:05

Don’t ignore him while you’re away. That’s likely to ruin his time away more than telling him you’ve had enough. It’s abusive behaviour tbh. Punishing him for his perceived bad behaviour.

Vesperia · 01/08/2019 10:09

this would upset me if he said he was coming round & then didn't without so much as even a phone call to say he's not coming. He's basically stood you up.

coffeeforone · 01/08/2019 10:10

This wouldn't bother me and IMO definitely shouldn't cause an argument. But what are the other constant arguments about?

re the examples in your OP - they are a little extreme in terms of expectations. I think My DH is a keeper, but there is no way he would have 'driven miles to see me for 5 minutes'. Similarly - I wouldn't make an effort to get a signal in the rain to text him unless it was important. Doesn't mean we aren't compatible.

Jebuschristchocolatebar · 01/08/2019 10:17

People in sustainable relationships don’t constantly argue.

Scorpiovenus · 01/08/2019 10:25

your not a priority. Id be changing my number and blocking him on all devices and moving on before he got back and would refuse to be the toy he plays with when the ones he is currently playing with loose their shine. 2 years or not, an act like this would be the end for them.

overnightangel · 01/08/2019 10:26

You sound like hard work OP.
I’d be willing to wager the majority of the arguments are down to your ridiculous expectations of some fictionalised romance, he’s probably brow beaten half the time

Yawninfinitum · 01/08/2019 10:28

He’s not a keeper

The constant arguments would be the end point for me. It shouldn’t be that way two years in when you aren’t sharing a house or kids. If it’s this difficult now it will get worse

And yes my DH would have always made the effort to check in or show me he cared. It’s very basic and important. If your DP just isn’t that fussed then accept it and get out before you get further in.

DuMondeB · 01/08/2019 10:31

The constant arguments and drama of falling out and making up would upset me more than him not saying goodbye. Relationships aren’t meant to be like this, whatever the movies tell you about love being dramatic and high-octane. You aren’t right for each other.

This ^

I hate arguing but nonetheless, can accept that some couples argue and that can be ok for those couples, even if not for me personally.

However, 2 years in, when you don’t live together and haven’t started a family together, what are you even rowing about?
People tend to get shouty when they feel frustrated, and frustration is somewhat unavoidable when you share financial commitments and are raising babies on no sleep, but you two aren’t doing that, so what’s making you frustrated with each other?

So, I agree, based on your post you just don’t seem compatible.
Set yourself free so you have the chance of meeting someone who will always text you before they leave for the airport.

And let this man be free to meet someone who will give zero fucks about not getting a text.

Andysbestadventure · 01/08/2019 10:32

You're hard work OP. Seriously. You're making big things out of nothing. Absolutely nothing.

SweetNorthernRose · 01/08/2019 10:34

@Wafflecopter that sounds like he did whatever he could to help you out in an hour of need, and he definitely sounds like a keeper! But I dont think that's the same as standing in the rain to get a signal just to say goodnight. That just sounds a bit far fetched to me!

SuperSara · 01/08/2019 10:35

Have to agree with @andysbestadventure

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