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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby shower woes

55 replies

Sandhead1 · 31/07/2019 14:12

I know not everyone agrees with them but can you help me out anyway.

My sister is having her first child and is of course very excited. I have had 2 kids and am planning my on wedding next year so very busy.

I never wanted a baby shower and so didn’t have one.

My sister has been very blasé when asked about a baby shower simply saying she’s not sure. She’s due in about 14 weeks time.

So her partner has texted me saying “are you organising her baby shower?”, I replied that i wasn’t sure if she wanted one and he said that he was asked what gifts they would like from a family member and remembered that these are usually given at the baby shower.

He said he thinks she would like one despite her playing it down and trying not to act bothered. So I ask her and again she’s very blasé but suggested it would need to be in a hall/restaurant if she had one as they are moving house and currently in temporary accommodation.

So I research and there are private rooms you can hire but it’s a minimum of 20 people at £15 a head. Would I be expected to pay this? Or would she? Or would everyone contribute?

I’m already buying her a gift which is £150 and to be honest can’t afford any more.

I offered to throw the shower in my house but she didn’t seem keen.

Deep down I think she’s hoping I throw a “surprise” shower and arrange and pay for it but I’m not sure?

OP posts:
Zebraaa · 31/07/2019 14:19

I would do it in your home, lay out some party food and do some games... she doesn’t get a say if she doesn’t want to organise it herself.

IrishMamaMia · 31/07/2019 14:19

Maybe surprise her by getting her friends together for a pub or restaurant lunch where you just have to book a table ? Or ask her OH to pay the deposit for a room booking, mine did that for the friends who organised mine.
I recently helped organise my SIL's and we did it at her house when she was out. We all brought food and decorations and costs were quite low.
Another option would be to do something special with her yourself. I think baby showers are nice events, I always enjoy attending them but they're a lot of hassle to organise.

dreichhighlands · 31/07/2019 14:22

Her DP obviously thinks she should have one, it doesn't sound as though your dsis is super keen.
I would organise a low key gathering at your house ( the mum to be usually wouldn't organise or pay for this). Usually a group of friends or family organise this together. I wouldn't spend a lot of money that you don't have in setting this up. But tea, cake and a few games needs cost a lot.

Weathergirl1 · 31/07/2019 14:23

Hi OP,

Good advice already, but not sure why her partner thinks gifts are usually given at a baby shower as opposed to given after the baby has arrived - in the UK, showers are a fairly new concept!

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 31/07/2019 14:24

Disclaimer: I can't stand baby showers.

But technically the tradition is that family do not throw them, friends do.

If you're going to have an event, I think its ok to ask guests to contribute to a party but - that's instead of a gift. If you invite everyone to a tea house, everyone chips in, you maybe shout the bubbles for the table and call it a celebration and catch up before the baby arrives.

I think it's not ok to expect people to pay for their meal, and the expectant mothers meal, and give a gift from a registry as well. I find it grabby and if people are on a budget it can be too much.

If your sister wants a shower she should answer you directly when you ask. I don't think it's fair for her to leave you guessing and trying to read her mind when you have your own life to get on with. And if showers are so important to her- why didn't she throw you a surprise shower when you were pregnant? Hmm

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 31/07/2019 14:24

I don’t think you can expect people to pay to attend nor would I be paying for it. It’s already costly enough for people to attend without an entry fee.

Di11y · 31/07/2019 14:37

I'd ask her dh for money towards food, decorations and games and do it at yours. I really don't think you can ask everyone for £15 as they'll feel they need to bring a gift too.

if her dh doesn't want to pay then perhaps find something else to buy her that doesn't cost £150

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 31/07/2019 14:38

Just have a party at home. Provide afternoon tea style, sandwiches, crisps and dips, scones with jam and cream and a large cake. A few games sweep stake guess baby’s arrival date, weight, sex, hair colour and guess baby food flavour. Not too many. Aldi has had some nice and cheap baby shower decorations in recently.

Invite, friends, family and work colleagues.

Chocolate35 · 31/07/2019 14:46

Either do it at your house or ask her DH to foot the bill.
I love baby showers. My closet group of friends (6 of us) rotate who’s house it is at and then we each choose something to contribute- sandwiches/a cake/games etc. It’s easy and lots of fun. My sister chose to have hers in a hall with 50 people and went really OTT, it was fine because she paid for it all.
Ask your sister outright if she wants a small gathering with close friends or a big palava at her own expense.
As for gifts, we always take the light hearted approach. A changing mat with a funny slogan was a favourite, it shouldn’t be something people should be pressed into spending loads of money on (or not coming to the baby shower because they can’t afford an expensive gift).

georgialondon · 31/07/2019 14:53

She's doesn't sound bothered so I'd leave it.

Andylion · 31/07/2019 14:56

So I research and there are private rooms you can hire but it’s a minimum of 20 people at £15 a head. Would I be expected to pay this? Or would she? Or would everyone contribute?...

I offered to throw the shower in my house but she didn’t seem keen.

This is one of the reasons showers have a bad rep on MN/in the UK. OP, if you have the room, have the shower at your house.

As you say, your sister seems blasé about but it does seem to want a surprise. That would drive me crazy.

sirmione16 · 31/07/2019 14:56

Find a restaurant that you can book out a table in a more secluded place, decorate it and order a range of dishes for everyone to nibble at and share, split the cost and everyone pays what it is, own drinks. Get some fun games that you print out from online, get everyone to make a guess to names/weight/date, a little notebook and everyone write their best wishes for the Mum and baby and hey presto - done.

CalmdownJanet · 31/07/2019 14:57

Her dh definitely foots the bill here. Contact him and give him the prices, ask which is in his budget and don't mention your gift or even give a whiff that paying/not paying crossed your mind! A simple "Hi Dave, checking out options for the shower, what's your budget? It's hard to come up with options without knowing", if he says he's not paying say " I thought you wanted it so people could give you gifts? Who else is going to pay?"

BeanBag7 · 31/07/2019 15:00

She cant say she doesnt want a shower and then dictate where it is held! Do it at your house with finger sandwiches and cake. A couple of bottles of champers and a non-alcoholic version for your sister. You could ask her DH to contribute.

OR just dont do it at all. If shes said shes not bothered, why go to all the true and expense?

OldUnit · 31/07/2019 15:17

Her DH sounds a bit pushy about this tbh. I'd level with him. If he wants his DW to have this (more than she does) then re-assert your boundaries and remind him you're happy to coordinate but really do have your own financial obligations and give him a ball park of how much this is likely to cost.

I'd be tempted to arrange a gathering at a nice local or country pub for a couple of tonic waters and a nice catch up. It doesn't necessarily warrant a sit down meal.

starfishcoffee · 31/07/2019 18:22

I really wasn't fussed about a baby shower. It seems silly, but then again, a nice chance to catch up with family and friends all in the same place.

My family/friends organised a low key one for me, it was supposedly a surprise but a message from my mum popped up on DPs phone. Grin Anyway, it was hosted at my mums house. Nothing big or fancy. Food and lots of talking. It was a really lovely event.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 31/07/2019 19:25

It kind of sounds like she does want one if she's suggesting hiring a hall instead of just saying outright "don't worry about it I don't want one".

Definitely pass the financial buck to her dh though - it sounds like he's doing it for the presents! Nobody wants to pay to go to a restaurant when they could just go to a house.

ZoeWashburne · 31/07/2019 19:31

Just to echo PP, this is exactly why baby showers have a bad rap in the UK as grabby.

In the North America:

  • Family doesn't throw a baby shower, it is usually a small gathering that is a gift offered by friends without prompting from the mum to be
  • The host(s) pays for everything (food, drinks etc, even if it is tea and cake in your home).
  • you absolutely cannot host your own shower

You can't invite people to to pay for themselves and bring a gift.

If she doesn't really want one, and you don't have time/ money to pay for it, just skip it.

NoWayDidISayThat · 31/07/2019 19:34

.

farmlotto · 31/07/2019 19:37

I had a surprise one in a Chinese restaurant. Close friends and family loved it. Nice to catch up with everyone and eat food. I'd organise a restaurant if I were you.

jennymanara · 31/07/2019 19:59

But a restaurant would be expensive.
Just ask your BIL the budget he has in mind for the baby shower. If he queries this just explain that there is no way you can afford to pay for it.

VenusTiger · 31/07/2019 20:00

I don’t like them either.
Went to my first a few months ago. Friend of mum to be (her third child, which I think is odd for baby shower) arranged it all as a surprise and we all paid for our own food upfront (afternoon tea).
We also took gifts.

jennymanara · 31/07/2019 20:01

I do suspect though that they both may be unhappy with you saying this.
The other option is to ask daft and just say to BIL if he asks that your sister told you she did not want one.

Missmonkeypenny · 31/07/2019 20:03

The ladies at work have decided they want to throw me one - no family, just colleagues ( all 7 of them!). Afternoon tea at a garden centre - £12.95 a head I believe

PleaseGoogleIt · 31/07/2019 20:04

I wasn't bothered about having one but DH arranged it all through a friend to have it in our home and he paid for it all. I wouldn't expect to have to pay to attend and take a gift and I wouldn't want others to do it for me.

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