Baby shower woes

[Sandhead1]

I know not everyone agrees with them but can you help me out anyway.

My sister is having her first child and is of course very excited. I have had 2 kids and am planning my on wedding next year so very busy.

I never wanted a baby shower and so didn’t have one.

My sister has been very blasé when asked about a baby shower simply saying she’s not sure. She’s due in about 14 weeks time.

So her partner has texted me saying “are you organising her baby shower?”, I replied that i wasn’t sure if she wanted one and he said that he was asked what gifts they would like from a family member and remembered that these are usually given at the baby shower.

He said he thinks she would like one despite her playing it down and trying not to act bothered. So I ask her and again she’s very blasé but suggested it would need to be in a hall/restaurant if she had one as they are moving house and currently in temporary accommodation.

So I research and there are private rooms you can hire but it’s a minimum of 20 people at £15 a head. Would I be expected to pay this? Or would she? Or would everyone contribute?

I’m already buying her a gift which is £150 and to be honest can’t afford any more.

I offered to throw the shower in my house but she didn’t seem keen.

Deep down I think she’s hoping I throw a “surprise” shower and arrange and pay for it but I’m not sure?

@PooWillyBumBum @TapasForTwo @CmdrCressidaDuck you couldn't afford a night out? Do you not ever go out with your mates then?
You don't have to take gifts to a baby shower you know, some people attend these and get the gift when the baby is here.

In my very limited experience all he participants contribute. With a one goes to a shop and everyone pays them or everyone brings something. It's organized in someone's home so it's nice and affordable.

you couldn't afford a night out? Do you not ever go out with your mates then?

Not if I also had to buy a present, no, and no I don't go out a lot because I have my own children to feed and clothe. You're very generous with other people's money.

And I would decline, on principle, an invitation where I was expected to buy a present (and a baby shower is explicitly about buying the expectant mother presents) and also expected to pay to attend. The social contract of a party is, either someone hosts it and bears the cost of food, drink and entertainment, and guests express their appreciation with gifts; or it is an event "out" at which people pay for themselves, in which case their presence is the gift. The exploiting of the baby shower tradition means that here, where we already have a tradition of giving baby gifts after birth, people end up feeling socially pressured to buy a gift for the "shower" and another after the birth. Asking them to pay to attend the shower on top is just rubbing salt into the wound. In the US there is a very clear ettiquette around showers for this very reason, to stop people feeling under pressure to do more than buy a gift. The food and drink is paid for by the host/thrower, and they are nearly always low key and hosted in someone's home or a public park.

The invitation should state "no gifts". It's ridiculous the husband is basically dictating the gift giving via his wife.
If people want to give gifts, they will anyway. But as I said earlier my "shower" is more a fuck yeh I've finished work, no gifts please because I want a wee party with my friends and family.
If they want to get gifts when the baby come then that's lovely but I'm not asking for it!

If they want a hall they can pay for it themselves- throwing it at your house is more than generous.
You cant ask guests to pay to attend so its either a low key gathering at yours or they (the parents to be) throw a party.

I loathe a baby shower, my husband insisted on a get together of our friends before the birth- both him and mine, we hosted a bbq at mine and paid for it all. It was our thing why shouldnt we pay!