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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby shower woes

55 replies

Sandhead1 · 31/07/2019 14:12

I know not everyone agrees with them but can you help me out anyway.

My sister is having her first child and is of course very excited. I have had 2 kids and am planning my on wedding next year so very busy.

I never wanted a baby shower and so didn’t have one.

My sister has been very blasé when asked about a baby shower simply saying she’s not sure. She’s due in about 14 weeks time.

So her partner has texted me saying “are you organising her baby shower?”, I replied that i wasn’t sure if she wanted one and he said that he was asked what gifts they would like from a family member and remembered that these are usually given at the baby shower.

He said he thinks she would like one despite her playing it down and trying not to act bothered. So I ask her and again she’s very blasé but suggested it would need to be in a hall/restaurant if she had one as they are moving house and currently in temporary accommodation.

So I research and there are private rooms you can hire but it’s a minimum of 20 people at £15 a head. Would I be expected to pay this? Or would she? Or would everyone contribute?

I’m already buying her a gift which is £150 and to be honest can’t afford any more.

I offered to throw the shower in my house but she didn’t seem keen.

Deep down I think she’s hoping I throw a “surprise” shower and arrange and pay for it but I’m not sure?

OP posts:

Bebelicious · 31/07/2019 20:06

Weird that she's being blase, but then at the same time dictating the venue (saying she doesn't want it in your house).

I've been to ones in restaurants, and everyone pays for themselves, and brings a gift, so yeah- it works out really expensive for the guests

Accountant222 · 31/07/2019 20:12

I'm with @CalmdownJanet firmly put the ball in her DP court

PooWillyBumBum · 31/07/2019 20:13

Don’t do a restaurant. Everyone will resent it. It’s an American thing and shaking friends and families down for gifts is bad enough...and that’s all the “shower” really is.

Put out some sandwiches and cake in your house and play some silly games or ask her DP to sort it.

Knittedfairies · 31/07/2019 20:15

You've asked her twice if she wants a shower, and offered to host at your house, she doesn't know if she wants a shower at all and is being blasé about the whole thing - and you're buying an expensive gift anyway. Take her at her word.

farmlotto · 31/07/2019 20:19

Why would guests resent a restaurant

Pollywollydolly · 31/07/2019 20:22

My DDIL has just had her first baby. Her friends organised the baby shower. we all paid for our own afternoon tea and most people brought lovely presents. My DS liaised with the organisers and paid for the extras (balloons, games small gifts.)

My DDIL didn't want people to pay but none of us minded and it was a lovely afternoon.

sauvignonblancplz · 31/07/2019 20:22

@CalmdownJanet has the best advice .

I think it’s really rude and pushy of the husband !

Normandy144 · 31/07/2019 20:31

Keep your sister away from the plans and BIL for that matter. All you need to confirm with your sister is a guest list and some suitable dates.
To keep costs down i would suggest hosting it at your house. Forget restaurants and hiring rooms. Speak to her close friends and get a plan together; ask who would be willing to contribute a dish/drinks. We did this for my sister. It was hosted at someone else's home and various people brought food, drinks etc and the host came up with some games/activities.
All very low key and easy to do.

MintCassis · 31/07/2019 21:11

Sounds like secretly she does want one and has got her DH to do the asking so as not to come across self-centred. The fact she has a preference for venues also suggests this.

Your offer to hold it in you home is very generous Anything else they want, they pay for.

If it does end up being in your home don’t feel that you should foot the whole bill yourself, decorations, food & drink quickly add up on top of the gift you are already planning to buy.

Vulpine · 31/07/2019 21:14

You've bought your sister a gift worth 150 quid for having a baby?

MT2017 · 31/07/2019 21:20

Really surprise her by not throwing her one

feelingsicknow · 31/07/2019 21:30

Do it in your house and ask every attendee to bring something food/drink related and submit a game idea ahead of time.

I didn't have one but TBH they do look like fun, but no need for it all to fall on your shoulders.

Sunnydays999 · 31/07/2019 21:49

I’m afraid I wouldn’t want to pay to attend one . Can a family member or friend have it at their house

iheartroycropper · 31/07/2019 21:53

I would get some sandwiches and cakes and do an afternoon tea type at your own house.
Forget balloons, party bags and all the usual pish.

ZoeWashburne · 01/08/2019 07:37

Please do not ask your guests to pay for themselves, or to bring their own refreshments, to a gift-giving party. So rude.

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Millions of babies are born without baby showers, and they are just fine. But you can't call up people and tell them to bring/ buy their own party food/drink for the pleasure of giving you a gift!

Whisky2014 · 01/08/2019 07:40

No way would I be paying that.
I'm having a prosecco tea party thing j stead of a shower and I stared no gifts.
My mum is kindly hosting in her house, there will be about 12 of us and intend it to be from 3 until 6 or 7ish.
Fuck paying £15 a head!! That's crazy

CmdrCressidaDuck · 01/08/2019 07:42

Why would guests resent a restaurant

Um, because now they have to fork out for their own expensive meal as well as a gift? It's fucking rude to "invite" people to give you a gift and also require them to pay to attend. I just plain could not afford to go to an event like that right now.

PooWillyBumBum · 01/08/2019 07:43

@farmlotto because on top of the compulsory gift we then also need to pay for meals and drinks.

I think stuff like this is getting over the top. Bridal shower, hen parties abroad, wedding gifts, then baby showers. I am sad we can’t just give because we want to without being shaken down for money all the time. When you’re in your early thirties it feels relentless.

TapasForTwo · 01/08/2019 07:46

Because most people won't want to pay to attend one farmlotto.
This has been made pretty clear on this thread multiple times.

To echo what most posters have said - either do it at your house or don't do one at all.

snitzelvoncrumb · 01/08/2019 07:47

I would have it at your place, give her a limited number of people she can ask, and tell her dh he is paying for the drinks.

Chocolatedaim · 01/08/2019 07:49

Can’t you put a gazebo up in the garden and have a BBQ or picnic?

I had a baby shower for my first (it was a surprise and it was boring to be honest, and the person who organised it sent me a invoice for it afterwards 😆)

If she is so blasé about it then I would be tempted not to bother!

SallyWD · 01/08/2019 07:51

Do it at home or book a table at a cafe or something. No way should people have to pay to attend and be expected to buy a gift. My friend had a baby shower in a cafe. We just booked a table. It was lovely. There's really no need to book a separate room.

RosemarysBush · 01/08/2019 07:52

I agree it should be an understated afternoon tea type thing at a friends house. A good opportunity to get the mum to be’s support network together and give her a bit of fun and a boost. Not a mini wedding reception.

ZoeWashburne · 01/08/2019 07:59

Think about it this way: would you throw a birthday 'party' for your DC, invite his school friends, and in addition to having them bring a gift for your child, then ask them to pay for their own entry into soft play and bring a packed lunch? Of course not, that would be the fastest way to make sure you are a.) never invited to parties and b.) no one attends you're parties in the future. If you couldn't afford a lot, you would just have children around for homemade cake and jam sandwiches in the garden and party games.

You cannot invite people to host your party, which is essentially what you are doing by inviting people to a party and asking them to pay/ contribute.

IntoValhalla · 01/08/2019 08:03

I’d do it as a little tea party at your house for family and her close friends.
If she’s been blasè about the whole thing then she can’t now start dictating where and what type of party she gets especially when her preferences are expensive! That’s bordering on cheeky fuckery.

I’ve personally never had one for any of my 3 pregnancies - I find baby showers cringey and grabby but I did get a text from my closest friend the other day telling me that she’s trying to organise a date with 2 of our other friends so we can go out to an amazing dessert cafè in town to stuff our faces with ice cream, waffles and pancakes before my baby arrives

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