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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Slapped in street - AIBU

89 replies

JesusIsComingLookBusy · 31/07/2019 11:48

My FIL is staying with us right now. This morning in the local high street he saw me but I didn’t see him so he walked up to me and slapped me (quite hard) on the arm. It was meant as a joke but it really shook me up to the point of tears in my eyes. I thought I was being mugged Initially then when I realised what had happened I just felt really, really embarrassed in case someone I knew had seen that I had been slapped in the street! He apologised when he realised he’d upset me but AIBU to have a real go at him later? After it happened I was a bit shocked and after exchanging a few words I just wandered of. Now sitting in a cafe I think it was an incredibly sexist action from a man to
a woman. I still feel upset but my period is due any minute and I’m very hormonal. Please can you give me some perspective - was this a shitty thing to do or do I need to find my sense of humour?

OP posts:
loobyloo1234 · 31/07/2019 13:36

He apologised. Obviously didn't mean to upset you. People are so precious on MN

skybluee · 31/07/2019 13:38

No it's not OK. However, he apologised. If he finds jokes funny at other peoples expense that's an issue. A joke doesn't upset someone. You never know someone's history, so sneaking up on them and hitting them is not a good idea. Also, as he is a man, I honestly don't feel it would feel the same. There isn't the same undercurrent of fear/having to assess situations constantly (e.g. car park late at night, bus stop, walking home, in empty carriage on train when someone gets on). The amount of times I've been harassed in the street is in the hundreds so I'd be on high alert if someone did this. Some of them are not even aware that on a daily basis women are having to assess these situations. They are ignorant to it and don't want to accept it exists.

user1480880826 · 31/07/2019 13:40

Its not sexist. But it is an odd thing to do and I can see why it would scare you.

saraclara · 31/07/2019 13:45

Not sexist. Blokes do this stuff to each other a lot.

I understand your initial shock, but yep, you're over-reacting now. It wasn't malicious, he felt bad, he apologised, it's over. He won't do it again.

HollowTalk · 31/07/2019 13:47

So sorry that happened to you, @Loyaultemelie. This was many many years ago, so doubt it was you. I think it would be a natural reaction, sadly.

LegionOfDoom · 31/07/2019 13:49

Talk about victim shaming

No one’s done that.

It was inappropriate of fil, who apologised immediately after realising op was upset. Nothing more to say really, subject closed.

It is definitely not sexist. He obviously just thought it was funny

WorraLiberty · 31/07/2019 13:54

Of course blokes hit each other for goodness sake and far more often than they do to women when it comes to this particular sort of thing.

No-one's 'victim shaming' either Hmm

The OP is blaming her periods and asking for some perspective.

That's exactly what she's getting.

Benjispruce · 31/07/2019 13:54

I think if he has realised and apologised I'd leave it there. if he brings it up again, explain what a shock it was and that you don't think it's a nice thing to do.

PhilSwagielka · 31/07/2019 13:55

YANBU, I'd be pissed off, but then I'm autistic and I really hate it when random people touch me unexpectedly.

IDK if it's sexist, depends if he does it to other men or not. I assume he does cos a lot of blokes do jokingly slap each other or playfight.

EdWinchester · 31/07/2019 13:57

How is it sexist? Very annoying and odd though.

But he has apologised, so move on.

HypatiaCade · 31/07/2019 13:58

Hmm, if this was a once off I'd accept the apology and leave it there. However, if he has form for doing this kind of crappy stuff I'd have a go at home later, and tell him that he bloody better NEVER do something like that again.

wellthatsdeflating · 31/07/2019 14:14

YANBU. ANd there is nothing wrong with explaining later, as you have here, why it is was so upsetting for you. You thought you were being attacked!

wellthatsdeflating · 31/07/2019 14:15

I think a man being wallloped by a man in teh street probably has different fears going through his head than a woman being hit buy a man in the street...

funkylittleboatrace · 31/07/2019 14:18

My dickhead big sister did this years ago, I was at a cash machine at the local supermarket she came up behind me and shook me while shouting give me your money!. Didn't end well as I just span round and punched her square in the face,I don't think she ever did that again!.

SallyWD · 31/07/2019 14:18

He did apologise and could probably see you were upset. I'd leave it or raise it gently if needs be. I don't think it was sexist because he'd probably have done the same to your DH or male friends. Men are often slapping each other on the back etc.

SweetAsSpice · 31/07/2019 14:19

I don’t think you have to have a go at him, no. But maybe talk to him about why it wasn’t appropriate. I was mugged when I was 18. It began with being smacked around the head to disorientate me.

Now, I would not have found a jovial slap on the arm at all funny. But I would have made my unhappiness extremely clear at the time and then moved on. If you can’t move on without discussing it again, then do so. But once you have calmed down, as anything in anger isn’t wise.

HypatiaCade · 31/07/2019 14:20

@funkylittleboatrace - I think I luffs you! It sounds like something I would do instinctively.

Topseyt · 31/07/2019 14:23

It was a stupid and rather rude thing for him to do, though not really sexist as I've most certainly seen men who do this sort of thing to each other too. I think it is unwise, and it can really frighten the recipient.

I can see why you went to sit in the café quietly. It is the sort of thing I would consider doing if something or someone had really upset me. Just because I would probably want my own space for a while, with a treat to settle me down.

If I said anything at all to him later it would be "I appreciate your apology, but please don't do that to me again. It really hurt me and I thought I was being attacked." Then just leave it at that.

HaileySherman · 31/07/2019 14:34

I think if you've already told him you didn't appreciate it and he apologized, going at him again is a little much. You're probably sensitive if your period is due (assuming grom what you said, it's something that happens to you, it certainly makes me noticeably more sensitive). You may be making a mountain out of a molehill. Of course if it ever happened again, then by all means go for it, but for now I'd assume the message was received if I were you.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/07/2019 14:38

I think it would be unfair to have a real go at him later, as he has already apologised, so it would put him massively on the defensive and would annihilate any chance you have of helping him to realise that it was an inappropriate thing to do.

However, you should let him know calmly that he might have thought he was joking but actually it really hurt and could he please not do it again.

I had a friend years ago who used to thump me on the arm whenever we were having a laugh about something - but she used to thump fucking hard and I ended up having to tell her to fucking stop it or I'd thump her back just as hard, see how she liked it! She didn't realise just how hard she was hitting me, but once I brought it up in a non-humorous situation, she did stop. She thought my "Ow, fuck!" and wincing was just part of the humour before that.

saraclara · 31/07/2019 14:41

Some empathy is needed here. Most of us have done something stupid and/or unintentionally upset someone. Having been mortified and apologised profusely, how many of us would want it to be brought up again later? I think we probably all learned from it without having to be taken to task again.

Lweji · 31/07/2019 14:42

What's sexist about slapping someone's arm?
Would he have done that to another man?

I think that's exactly what he'd have done to another man. He probably didn't think he was doing it to woman and less likely to be used to this sort of thing. Unlike most men.

ArcheryAnnie · 31/07/2019 14:45

If I said anything at all to him later it would be "I appreciate your apology, but please don't do that to me again. It really hurt me and I thought I was being attacked."

This. I think it's reasonable to bring it up again later, as it has really affected your day, but it would be much more effective - and have a much greater chance or changing his behaviour in the future - if you calmly told him that you appreciated his apology, but you did think you were being attacked by a strange man and it left you shaken for several hours. He might see it as "having a joke on DIL" but if you frame it as "woman being attacked by a man" he might begin to see it differently.

Bluetrews25 · 31/07/2019 14:50

Tell him women do not appreciate being unexpectedly assaulted in the street as it could be a mugger or a rapist rather than a family member with a very odd sense of humour. And that sense of humour would quickly evaporate if the woman did her self defence moves in retaliation.
Some men are eejits and do not realise that a 'playful' slap or walking closely behind a woman through a footpath for example can set off all sorts of reasonable and rational fears.
He's obviously a bit dim - spell it out for him.

midsomermurderess · 31/07/2019 14:53

I think you are overreacting.