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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH is telling me IABU I don´t know what to think

61 replies

unodostrescuatro · 30/07/2019 22:49

Hi all, first time posting. This is really stupid and I feel you are all going to laugh at me and say IABU for posting this in the first place, but I can´t work who is right so I need your opinion.
My husband has an habit of looking at people. He says is curiosity but I think is quite rude so we have had lot of arguments because of that. He understands my point, he says I´m right and he tries not to do it.
Today we were at the gym and he stopped in front of the basketball courts, one man was alone throwing the ball into the basket, just practising and my husband was there looking at him for a bit. I said to him that I think it´s wrong and he shouldn´t been doing that but he is repeating again and again that people playing sports are really happy to be looked at because they can share their achievement with the audience Grin. I have to add he says he wouldn´t look a other people doing an individual exercise, but because the man was practising a normally team sport although he was alone, then it´s ok to look at him.
So tell me, WIBU?

OP posts:
summersherewishiwasnt · 30/07/2019 22:52

Most people sense when they are being looked at imo. If they give the death stare your dh is wrong, but he won’t wrong all the time.

Eustasiavye · 30/07/2019 22:53

I think it sounds very odd.
Unless you are doing something marvellous I can't think of anyone appreciating being stated at.
If you are a professional such as a golfer then fine.
Does he stare at women and girls because that is very off.

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 30/07/2019 22:55

Looking or staring?

lottiegarbanzo · 30/07/2019 22:59

Looking, watching, staring?

Not looking at people at all would be difficult and odd.

Staring, or watching intently for a long time would usually be odd.

Leeds2 · 30/07/2019 23:02

Was the guy playing basketball particularly proficient at shooting goals? If he was, I doubt he cared, and probably would welcome the attention.
Staring at random people is odd, though.

IsobelRae23 · 30/07/2019 23:13

That’s just odd

Karmin · 30/07/2019 23:25

Yep that behaviour is unusual, does he struggle with any other social interaction?

BackforGood · 30/07/2019 23:30

What Leeds2 said.

Most people practising a sport don't mind people watching.

hadthesnip2 · 30/07/2019 23:35

Most people look at other people. If a guy was practising a but of basketball I might stop & watch for 30 seconds or so. Nothing wrong with that.

Staring or leering at women is wrong though.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 30/07/2019 23:47

I don't think it's that odd. I stop to watch people playing tennis sometimes. Not like, setting up chairs and getting comfortable, but if I'm walking the dog I might stop for a minute or so

unodostrescuatro · 30/07/2019 23:57

Thank you so much for all your replies. Because the "issue" it´s so trivial I wasn´t expecting any

Karmin He is too sociable. He is like the neighbour you just want to avoid because he keeps chatting and chatting. For example he saw the other day a neighbour washing his car and he went to chat with him because (he said it to me) he knew the neighbour couldn't escape. It sounds creepy but in reality all people likes him a lot.
I think the one who struggle socially it's me, in my opinion I'm too mindful of people, hence me posting and asking if I'm wrong thinking what he does it's rude.

OP posts:
unodostrescuatro · 31/07/2019 00:06

TrendyNorthLondonTeen lottiegarbanzo I wouldn't say as far as staring. Watching would be the right word. He definitely doesn't just see people.
I sound crazy, right? Grin

OP posts:
DCICarolJordan · 31/07/2019 00:17

He deliberately goes to talk to people ‘when they can’t escape?’
That doesn’t sound creepy, it IS fucking creepy. I wonder if everyone likes him as much as you think they do....

BoomBoomsCousin · 31/07/2019 00:34

I think he has a different way of interacting with people than you do. It isn’t wrong and neither is your way. His way is more typical of men who tend to have less to fear from someone who is watching them than women might have.

I think your going on and on at him to stop is inappropriate and unpleasant unless you know the people he’s doing it to are uncomfortable with it.

happybunny007 · 31/07/2019 00:35

The odd thing to me is that you think you sound crazy.

Bignicetree · 31/07/2019 00:40

I think he sounds great !
But hard for us to really judge without knowing the extent of the looking

StillCoughingandLaughing · 31/07/2019 00:41

You’ve told him you think it’s OTT and making people feel awkward. He has apparently listened to you. If he’s still making people feel uncomfortable (assuming he is), you can’t make him change.

Doyoureallyneedtoask · 31/07/2019 01:22

Is he lonely OP? Going to talk to a neighbour because he 'can't escape' sounds like he is desperate to talk to somebody. Does he have hobbies? Could he take up a sport? Perhaps participate in park runs or something like that where people are happy to chat?

I once went out with a guy who 'stared' at people. Especially girls (I am NOT suggesting your DH is doing this). People felt uncomfortable because it was too intense. I later found out he had some 'issues' with social interaction which I had put down to cultural differences and language barriers.

BlackCatSleeping · 31/07/2019 01:50

I don't think either of you is wrong, but it sounds like you are at opposite ends of the scales.

For example, I think it's fine to chat with the neighbor for a few minutes, but they are obviously busy so staying too long would be rude.

I also think it's fine to watch someone practising sports, but not for too long or in a way that they seem to be uncomfortable.

Do people ever say anything to your husband? For example, if the neighbor doesn't want to chat he could say "Oh, well, I better get on. See you again."

1forAll74 · 31/07/2019 01:55

Yes you do sound a little odd. not crazy though.. Some people do stop and watch others at times,and some like to chat to people if they get a chance.

Sadly,there are a great many anti social folks around these days, as always walking around glued to phones,and they don't want to even look at you, never mind say anything.

So,I think it's nice that people show an interest in others..There is usually nothing sinister about normal people doing this.

KingaRoo · 31/07/2019 01:58

I know someone like this. I don't think he comes across as creepy but he's my friend and I know him well so maybe he does to others. But he is just someone who LOVES people. I've been to a supermarket checkout with him and he starts talking to the checkout person (male or female) and wants to know everything about them. He is so intrigued by other people's lives (OK that sounds creepy but he just is such as extrovert and wants to know other people's life stories) and just wants to stop and talk to everyone we meet. I've never met anyone else like him but I love him to bits despite this weird quirk and he is genuinely such a lovely guy.
I wonder if deep down he needs to feel validated by other people (he hates being on his own) but who am I to judge.
Don't know if that helps at all but perhaps gives a different perspective than other postets.c

notangelinajolie · 31/07/2019 01:59

YANBU
It's rude to stare.

That's what my mum told me and that's what I tell my kids.

WashingMyHair247 · 31/07/2019 02:06

If he was watching me, I'd freak out.

I'd also feel really irked if I was trying to get something done and someone decided to intrude on whatever I was doing to talk to me. It's hard for me to concentrate on someone if I'm working in some way.

But the watching, I get watched/ stared at too often and I end up trying to make what I assume is an evil death stare, back at the person.

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 31/07/2019 02:29

Isnt people watching a known thing? Like people are known to do it a lot?

Shoxfordian · 31/07/2019 05:47

Yanbu, he seems quite desperate for people to like him. Does he stare at women as well like this? Seems potentially a bit creepy

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