DH is telling me IABU I don´t know what to think

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Hi all, first time posting. This is really stupid and I feel you are all going to laugh at me and say IABU for posting this in the first place, but I can´t work who is right so I need your opinion.
My husband has an habit of looking at people. He says is curiosity but I think is quite rude so we have had lot of arguments because of that. He understands my point, he says I´m right and he tries not to do it.
Today we were at the gym and he stopped in front of the basketball courts, one man was alone throwing the ball into the basket, just practising and my husband was there looking at him for a bit. I said to him that I think it´s wrong and he shouldn´t been doing that but he is repeating again and again that people playing sports are really happy to be looked at because they can share their achievement with the audience . I have to add he says he wouldn´t look a other people doing an individual exercise, but because the man was practising a normally team sport although he was alone, then it´s ok to look at him.
So tell me, WIBU?

I don’t think it sounds that weird. However, his justification that he can watch one person doing a sport because usually it’s a team sport is really weird logic. He was just looking for an excuse to keep you quiet.

I’m glad I don’t live next door to him. I don’t want to be bothered by overly sociable people when I’m going about my business.

I’m quite bad for this OP. The looking bit - not the cornering of people to talk to. Though I am a little bit socially awkward and tend to dislike most people I come across. But I love to people watch. I get caught a lot of the time, I mean nothing by it. It’s just something I do.

It's really difficult to judge.

You say people really like him and you struggle socially.

This cod be just a case of he being different to you. You feel people cant escape, but people seem to like him and not avoid him. So its likely people dont think that. Maybe you are just on opposite ends of the spectrum.

People watching is definitely a thing. Especially people playing or practising sport.

I love people watching. I always have to face into the restaurant and not into a wall. Love sitting in public spaces watching the world go by.

It depends how he does it. I am very good at looking away if someone catches my eye. If he just stands there with no one else around him and no other distractions that’s a bit odd, but otherwise people watching isn’t weird.

My FIL used to do this. He used to stand in the street just staring at something or somebody. Sometimes it would be because the person was doing something, e.g. building a wall, but sometimes he would just stare for no apparent reason.

I just assumed it was because he was a bit thick.

I get where you're coming from because my DH is a bit of a starer - he'll admit he's a nosy person and he just likes to see what everyone else is up to Meanwhile I had the phrase "It's rude to stare" drummed into me from an early age and I find his "nosiness" quite embarrassing sometimes. If we go out for a meal, he's self-aware enough to choose to sit at the seat facing away from most other people. If he doesn't, he's difficult to make conversation with!

I'm not sure what the solution is but I wanted to let you know you're not the only one!

My DH is a bit like this, too! Extremely sociable, he chats to people wherever we go and will stop to watch people playing sport/fishing etc. It winds me up when we go shopping etc. because he always runs into someone he barely knows and stops for a 10min chat. I draw the line at stopping the car to chat to someone as we drive through the village! Apparently he's been the same since he was a child and one of our children is similar, though I think my lack of social skills has toned it down in DS. I don't think it's rude, just very different from me. It seems fairly socially acceptable where we live now, so maybe your DH comes from a friendly village where this is quite normal.

People watching is very different to staring at people.
I think it does sound like he’s staring at people, which is very rude, and odd. I’d be worried he’d do it to the wrong person and get punched tbh.

Fwiw I hate the weirdos who stare at my martial arts class (one of those new leisure centres with the stupid glass walls everywhere to "inspire participation" ). It really puts me off.

(not including parents of the participants in that)
people playing sports are really happy to be looked at because they can share their achievement with the audience

Can he honestly not conceive of any other viewpoint than his own?

I mean, it's nice that he's thinking positively about all these people he's staying at, but...

It’s not odd to watch someone play a sport. It’s odd to think it is

I'm like that. I like to observe people. I studied psychology! I don't stare at people with a grim face, I look and if we make eye contact I smile. This might lead to a small conversation or not. If I feel the person is uncomfortable, I move on.

I find people fascinating, there are no unwarranted thoughts behind the action. Is it that most people are nowadays so self-absorbed and self-conscious that someone looking at them is considered wired?

I think it's a bit weird but not a massive deal (unless he's leering at women in a nasty way). Certainly not worth having lots of arguments about! Just leave him to it, OP.

he went to chat with him because (he said it to me) he knew the neighbour couldn't escape

Now that is bad. Wouldn’t like him for a neighbour to be honest. You’d have to curtain twitch just to avoid him. Hate it when people force themselves on you and you end up being the bad guy when you finally tell them to leave you alone.

We’ve all got a neighbour like that haven’t we?

Does he ever pick up the vibes when people are bored and trying to get away?

I don't blame you for being annoyed OP. Lots of people don't like being watched while going about their business, and I think it's very inconsiderate of your DH not to take this into account given you've already tried to explain this to him. I would absolutely hate it if I was being watched by anyone while out running, as I'm quite self conscious and don't really like how I look. I've also been out to restaurants on a couple of occasions where other diners have watched me and made snide comments about my appearance to others, and for a long time I was uncomfortable in public places partly as a result of this (this was a long time ago tho). Even if he's thinking positive things while watching people, the person being watched doesn't know that and could well feel uncomfortable. He sounds like he thinks his need to chat is more important than other people's need to get on with their lives, it's pretty selfish tbh.

I think you have to judge whether he is being unreasonable by people's reactions. Bearing in mind that some people are too polite to tell him where to go.
If people generally seem pleased to see him and approach him sometimes they it's probably ok. If he only speaks to them when they can't escape then probably not so much. Also if they keep making hints about "having to get on" etc which dh ignores, then the attention might not be welcomed.

The watching would also have to be judged on its own merits. It might be absolutely ok in some situations, but so much in others.

I think you have to be there to say whether yabu or not. Body language is so important in this thread.

Does he have friends?

I once rented a house with a very big front garden.
Every single time I went into the front garden to do work on it someone would comment. These were people I did not know. More often than not they would stop and chat. The garden was set lower down than the road and it was on a main road. Usually they would stop and comment on whatever I was doing. For example 'argh I see you are tackling the weeds/tree/hedge'
' You've got your work cut out with such a big garden haven't you, have you been at it long? I bet it's thirsty work. Is that a rose bush? What variety? I've got an x like that.'
I know they always meant well but I did find it strange. Usually they would stand there until I stopped responding and then they would usually say well I'll let you get on.

I love a bit of people watching, although that tends to be more observing crowds/interactions on a multiple scale. I don't think watching someone practising basketball is that weird to be honest. It's not 'wrong', it's just different to what you're comfortable with.

Shoxfordian He doesn't stare at women, he did at the beginning of our relationship (11 years together now) but I was "too cool" to say something until feminism came to our lives and now he thinks it's wrong, but in his opinion, men wouldn't feel uncomfortable with him watching them, so...

Doyoureallyneedtoask Not lonely, he's just a proper extrovert and can't get enough of social interactions. Even if we've been with friends all the weekend he needs more

Limpshade Yes! He's totally like that! Included the part of having to sit facing to a wall because he's too distracted with people to talk with me.

LostaraYil This too, he just stop in order to speak with everybody and I hate it with a well hidden passion

KingaRoo That's my husband! He knows every cashier in Tesco and some times select what queue he wants to go in base to which one likes to chat the most.

Eustasiavye That would be my worst nightmare

Reading this thread I've realised is a matter of personalities. Some people would think it's ok, some not. I was expecting a black or white outcome, but this is not bad either.

Thanks everyone for your opinions, it's really interesting to know other point of views especially the people watchers. I didn't know it was a thing

It does sound like you are opposite personalities.

But also rather opposite in your sense of empathy for other people - he quite blind to their feelings unless stated plainly to his face, you perhaps perceptive to the extent of projecting your feelings of discomfort onto other people and frequently feeling embarrassed on others' behalves (there was an interesting thread about this recently).

It came as a bit of a surprise to me to realise that extroverts, 'people people' are not always very perceptive and can be very thick-skinned (not all, some). I'd mistaken 'people person' for 'people expert' but it's not that at all. That's why they need a lot of interpersonal stimulation to get 'enough'. Whereas introverts can get a lot of 'feeling' from a small encounter.

People watching is 'watching the world go by in an interested way' though, it isn't staring, or really targeting a few people.

His comment about men wouldn't feel uncomfortable with him watching them, so... suggests a positive determination not to empathise, or to try to understand the world from other people's point of view in a factual way, which is different from (but may be related to) low emotional intelligence. It's a very plain value statement of 'men as people, woman as objects'.

It's a very plain value statement of 'men as people, woman as objects

Not necessarily. The OP already said that at the beginning of their relationship, he stared at women but doesn't do this anymore. Obviously she made him aware of how it made her feel so he doesn't do it anymore.

Maybe. There's a difference between not doing it because his DW doesn't like it and not doing it because he believed her when she explained that most women don't like it, so gained some knowledge from her.

His initial statement implied that women were not autonomous people with feelings of their own that might differ from his, or 'men's'. But yes, if he's extrapolating 'what men feel' purely from his own perceptions too, then it's more about low EI than sexism.