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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Me and partner have a disagreement

76 replies

AmITheCrazyOne2 · 30/07/2019 22:28

Hello there looking for advice partner and I have been together nearly 13 years and have 3 children 3,2 and 5 months. At Christmas he introduced me to an old 'family friend' (One no-one had spoken to in well over a decade). I was picking my partner up when we were introduced. The guy decided he HAD to come and have a look at our home to 'check' it for any areas that needed fixing??! I said no but partner obliged anyway. He wanted coffee and we had none so was sent to get some from shop. After handing him a cup of coffee he said he would be stopping for at least 5 cups ( I thought he was joking - he was not) This man was loud, obnoxious, and did not know about personal boundaries. He kept putting his arm around me and demanding kisses on my cheek (I'm quiet and shy, unable to say no partner also did not say anything despite knowing i was uncomfortable) he kept demanding things, swearing and he spoke so loudly it scared the kids. After he left I said I didn't want to see him ever again . 6 months down the line he's started showing up again and I said to my partner that I didn't want him around the kids or me. My partner said luckily he has 50% of the say and if he wants the kids to see him they will. Please help with opinions. Thanks in advance

OP posts:
peachgreen · 30/07/2019 22:47

That's really strange behaviour. Is he definitely an old family friend?

user1473878824 · 30/07/2019 22:48

Er what

Unicorndiva · 30/07/2019 23:44

He sounds vile. No way would I have my kids around him

Original poster
AmITheCrazyOne2 · 31/07/2019 00:37

He is a friend of his late Mums from many years ago. One of the first things he said to me was how he used to 'knock off' MIL which I thought was disrespectful. I think my partner likes the 'gifts'

OP posts:
Aria999 · 31/07/2019 00:39

This is weird. Sounds like a blackmailer from a murder mystery novel. Could he have some kind of hold over your partner?

ScotInExile · 31/07/2019 00:43

What 'gifts'?

ZeldaOfHyrule · 31/07/2019 00:43

He sounds like a creep

Original poster
AmITheCrazyOne2 · 31/07/2019 00:43

I'm beginning to wonder

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 31/07/2019 00:44

What ‘gifts’?
You have to grow a backbone and if this man comes around and swears tell him to stop. If he touches you tell him to stop. If he says something inappropriate tell him to stop!
Tell your husband that you feel unsafe around this man. If he can’t see that as a reason not to have this man in your house you have to seriously question where his priorities and loyalties lie. Your husband can always socialise with this guy outside of the home, you and your kids do not have to be part of it.

EnoughLifeLessons · 31/07/2019 00:47

You need to be an adult, OP. He sounds horrendous. If he comes to your home, kick him out and kick 'D'H out with him.

Original poster
AmITheCrazyOne2 · 31/07/2019 00:48

Scotinexile. The guy had a van full of stuff apparently. He'd had a pay out from an accident. He gave OH and his siblings some money and some other random items. Clothes, hats, food etc. I said it was probably stolen. OH said I was paranoid ( I am prone to think the worst out of every situation)

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 31/07/2019 00:51

Id worry he was a groomer rather than a thief. When he shows up apologise for just being on your way out, take the kids, and go anywhere else.

Original poster
AmITheCrazyOne2 · 31/07/2019 00:58

Thank you. I do know I'm no good to my kids being a door mouse. I'm in the process of gaining strength. I'm growing stronger everyday just need to hear from other people.

OP posts:
Hithere12 · 31/07/2019 00:59

YANBU

My partner said luckily he has 50% of the say and if he wants the kids to see him they will

Your partner is vile. Ugh I feel so bad for you OP, you’re obviously a nice, placid person and are being taken advantage of by both these morons. If it was my partners friend I’d ban him from the house and that’d be the end of discussion. I definitely think you should work on being more assertive for your own sake.

Hithere12 · 31/07/2019 01:01

You have to grow a backbone and if this man comes around and swears tell him to stop. If he touches you tell him to stop. If he says something inappropriate tell him to stop!

No don’t do any of these things OP. Just straight up ban him. That’s it. End of story.

HennyPennyHorror · 31/07/2019 01:02

Just fucking woman up and tell this idiot to piss off when he next turns up.

Your "partner" is as bad as he is...tell him to fuck off too. Stop with the "quiet and shy" stuff...you're a parent, there's NO place for that when you have children to protect.

Original poster
AmITheCrazyOne2 · 31/07/2019 01:02

I've been researching something called gaslighting and I think my partner may be doing this to me. I approached OH about this on 3 seperate occasions, because it it's not intentional I want to help him stop, but he's ignored me all 3 times.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmITheCrazyOne2 · 31/07/2019 01:03

Thanks Henny. I need to hear this stuff. It makes me stronger.

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 31/07/2019 01:06

I'm quite serious too Crazy I used to be quiet and shy....then I had children and one too many situations which made me uncomfortable made me see that I simply HAD to speak up.

it's a challenge...but you have to do it. When is this twat showing up? only when your partner is around?

If so, just stand there and say "Leave now...I don't want you here" that's if your partner has let him in.

If you answer the door just say "Go away you're not welcome" and close it.

What's the worst that could happen?

LightDrizzle · 31/07/2019 01:18

Are you much younger than your husband or from a different cultural background?
You just sound oddly passive and the dynamic between you sounds really off.
I’m sure your instincts about this man are correct and your husband’s response to your concerns is awful.
You say you’ve been reading about gaslighting, are there other things that have happened that are making you review your relationship? It might be an idea to voice them here or to a trusted friend for their take on things you’ve just accepted or brushed under the carpet in the past.
I don’t like the sound of this and I think you need to be very cautious around your husband while you take stock of your relationship.
Do not let him leave you or your children alone with this man.

Original poster
AmITheCrazyOne2 · 31/07/2019 01:35

He is 32 I'm 33. I'm from a low class family (during arguments we're asbo family) and his would be more upper class I think (in the past anyway).I think he's having a bit of a mid life crisis and he's taking it out on me. He went on a school trip recently with the kids and I went to pick them up . The first thing he said to me was he'd spent the journey home thinking about how boring I was. Granted it's true but it hurt all the same. He complains if we go more than 2 days without sex. Even in the 2 weeks after my c-section. I feel great guilt about everything. It just eats me up. I'm scared to just walk out as he has a stack of 'evidence ' against me. He records me during heated arguments. Has also on a few occasions thrown water over me as I should be treated like an animal if I act like one. Calls me crazy ALOT. Writing this it sounds so fucked up but feel powerless to leave.

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 31/07/2019 01:43

Don't ever say you're from a "low class" family again.

If you're working class that's fine. Say that.

AS for him saying he spent a journey thinking about how boring you are...what a bastard.

He's abusive. Recording you during arguments? That's not "evidence" of anything.

Have you heard of coercive behaviour? It's now recognised in the UK and can be used in court.

Leave....you're not powerless. If you're in the UK "Women's Aid" will gelp you get out and they will also support you to find a safe place of your own to live...even if you dont have any money.

KingaRoo · 31/07/2019 01:50

Oh my love you are in an abusive relationship. You need to think carefully now about how to protect yourself and your children. Others will be more informed than me but can you call Women's Aid and describe this to them?
Please don't think I'm being dramatic. Your partner is being emotionally abusive towards you. Think about your children. Do you want them to grow up in this kind of atmosphere? From what you are saying the issue with this "friend" is just the tip of the iceberg.
Please get some help. Do you have a friend in real life you trust who could provide support? Please call Women's Aid.

Original poster
AmITheCrazyOne2 · 31/07/2019 02:00

I don't have any friends. I have a busy sister and a mum who I've tried talking to about this but doesn't understand and I only tell her the 'good ' bad bits and her reaction to that was 'do you ever think it's just you?' so no support there. This is the first time I've thought about writing on a forum. I'm glad I did. Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

OP posts:
notangelinajolie · 31/07/2019 02:03

Your husband won't tell him so therefore you have to. He sounds like a nightmare and not someone I'd want in my home.