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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Me and partner have a disagreement

76 replies

AmITheCrazyOne2 · 30/07/2019 22:28

Hello there looking for advice partner and I have been together nearly 13 years and have 3 children 3,2 and 5 months. At Christmas he introduced me to an old 'family friend' (One no-one had spoken to in well over a decade). I was picking my partner up when we were introduced. The guy decided he HAD to come and have a look at our home to 'check' it for any areas that needed fixing??! I said no but partner obliged anyway. He wanted coffee and we had none so was sent to get some from shop. After handing him a cup of coffee he said he would be stopping for at least 5 cups ( I thought he was joking - he was not) This man was loud, obnoxious, and did not know about personal boundaries. He kept putting his arm around me and demanding kisses on my cheek (I'm quiet and shy, unable to say no partner also did not say anything despite knowing i was uncomfortable) he kept demanding things, swearing and he spoke so loudly it scared the kids. After he left I said I didn't want to see him ever again . 6 months down the line he's started showing up again and I said to my partner that I didn't want him around the kids or me. My partner said luckily he has 50% of the say and if he wants the kids to see him they will. Please help with opinions. Thanks in advance

OP posts:

EnoughLifeLessons · 31/07/2019 11:13

Your update is terrifying and I just want to give you a hug, OP. You need to escape, this is an abusive relationship and you have a duty to yourself and to your children to show them this is not an acceptable way to treat someone.

My ex DH was always charming and I only told my parents the good bits. Once they heard by accident what he was saying to me and they were shocked and sickened. That gave me strength, I was finally able to open up and tell them and then came to MN and I eventually left him after about 6 months. My relationship was not as bad as yours, your situation sounds unbearable. Please, please, please leave.

Original poster

AmITheCrazyOne2 · 31/07/2019 13:07

Videos of me shouting I guess and losing my cool. It's so frustrating during an argument he says whatever he needs to say but as soon as I try to answer a question or ask him a question he tells me to stop raising my voice (Even at times I'm talking quietly) or will ignore it or change subject. I end up getting a 'foggy' feeling afterwards and can't recall portions of the argument.

OP posts:

Original poster

AmITheCrazyOne2 · 31/07/2019 13:08

Why do you think he might be straight up ignoring the gaslighting question? Is it because he is aware of his actions or maybe wants to live in ignorance

OP posts:

Original poster

AmITheCrazyOne2 · 31/07/2019 13:10

I'm going to talk to my Mum and possibly sister tomorrow

OP posts:

Brefugee · 31/07/2019 13:14

show your mum and your sister this conversation if you feel able. That might make it easier for your to get your point across.

Kiki275 · 31/07/2019 13:27

OP - if he has charmed them, do you trust your mum & sister not to talk to him and warn him?x

Original poster

AmITheCrazyOne2 · 31/07/2019 13:40

I don't think they'd warn him but they might think it was my fault. That Is what I am most afraid off.

OP posts:

Original poster

AmITheCrazyOne2 · 31/07/2019 14:21

At the moment he is staying at his late Mums home looking after sisters cat, sorting through paperwork etc. He phoned and I spoke to him again about the family friend explaining I'm not stopping him from seeing anyone but I am not allowing him in our home when me or kids are there. He said I can't comment as I don't know him well enough and he does and he thinks he's sound and '"all he did was scare the kids" . I responded with something along the lines of it is not acceptable for this man to scare our children and if he can't see that then he should leave. Asked him also about water throwing and he said it's not ok but if it's the only way to stop me arguing then he'll do it though a little later did say he wouldn't do it at all. He blamed my split personalities. Said to stop using him as an excuse for never leaving the house ( we live up a flight of steep steps and I'm ex. Breastfeeding a baby as well as do everything else that needs doing) and how he would give the kids a better time and it's not fair to him to ask him to leave a 5 month old baby and that effectively I'm stuck with him for another 18 years. He even said I don't mean to trap you but it's true . He is coming down later to talk. Will update.

OP posts:

EnoughLifeLessons · 31/07/2019 14:36

Be careful, OP. Some abusive men ramp up their behaviour when they sense you might leave them. I’m worried about you. I think you should plan your escape without him knowing. Don’t rock the boat while you’re still in the house with him, get your finances in order and go.

TheQueef · 31/07/2019 14:51

Tread carefully lass, he sounds very able to manipulate you and twist things to be your doing.
You've had excellent advice from most posters, leave but leave carefully.
Good luck later and come back to re-read the thread.

HappyLoneParentDay · 31/07/2019 15:07

OP any video evidence he has would be totally ignored by social services or court.

You didn't agree to be filmed
It was likely/possibly HIS behaviour/presence causing your behaviour (that's how social services would look at it anyway)
Videos/recordings won't show what was done to antagonise you and cause you to be in that state. He could've wound you up intentionally in order to film you.

Don't worry about his 'evidence' they've seen it allll before.

PLEASE PLEASE call Women's Aid they can offer support, advice and also even accommodation & transport.

Feel free to pm me, I've been there x

HappyLoneParentDay · 31/07/2019 15:12

So he's admitted he's keeping you 'prisoner' in a relationship then essentially? Wow.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE call Women's Aid!!!! They can offer just an ear or....

If you do decide to leave, they can send a car for you & the kids (for free) at a moment's notice and provide you with free accommodation (there is a tiny charge but Housing Benefit covers it under the circumstances) The accommodation is private, hidden, amazing for kids (activity rooms etc) and above all - safe!!

Just letting you know that's there for you.... x

EKGEMS · 31/07/2019 15:30

Omfg you are with an abuser without a doubt

misskatamari · 31/07/2019 15:55

Please please leave him OP. The more you write, the worse he sounds. He is abusing you, and playing mind games to make you doubt yourself

KingaRoo · 04/08/2019 10:35

Worried about you. How are thongs?

KingaRoo · 04/08/2019 10:36

Err . . sorry! Things not thongs!

ohcanada · 04/08/2019 10:44

Oh goodness OP. The first post was a bit odd but your subsequent posts are just awful.

Is this really the life you want for yourself? No friends, no hobbies, abusive husband?

Have a good think about what you want your life to be, and make a plan.

Could you arrange to sit down with your mum and sister and put it all on the table, tell them everything and ask them for their support?

Original poster

AmITheCrazyOne2 · 04/08/2019 12:05

He's giving me a few days space. He said we are all guilty of gaslighting and he will try to be better in future. With regards to the water throwing he says he does to calm me down and will try not to do again. He has agreed with me on the family friend issue I think.

OP posts:

SavingSpaces2019 · 04/08/2019 14:41

Things are going to be 'ok' for a while now....because you spoke up and stood your ground instead of giving way like usual.
They will start up again though so don't be lulled into that false sense of security.

You're in an abusive relationship.
You need to get out and the sooner the better.
Speak to your family/friends who you can trust and get some support.

He kept putting his arm around me and demanding kisses on my cheek (I'm quiet and shy, unable to say no partner also did not say anything despite knowing i was uncomfortable) he kept demanding things.....I think my partner likes the 'gifts'
The behaviour of this 'friend' sounds like grooming - gifts in exchange for 'allowing' him do and say as he pleases - with you, in your home, in full view....and no one 'has' the power to stop him.
If this were happening to a child - what would your response be?
Your husband is so in thrall to this guy that he's prepared to give this guy access to YOUR kids.....

You need to step up and do something.
Learn to say no and speak up when your personal boundaries are being violated.
How are you going to protect your kids if you can't protect yourself?

Monty27 · 05/08/2019 04:49

This is text book OP

Dogdogcat · 05/08/2019 05:05

@NoCauseRebel I'm with you on this one.

user764329056 · 05/08/2019 05:16

OP your head is no doubt scrambled as that is what abusive behaviour does, but please seek help and support, eg Women’s Aid, GP, anyone who you can trust, you and your children deserve so much better than this, please don’t be lulled into a false sense of security by this man, things may appear “ok” or “better” for a while but everything you have described is dangerous and abusive and these men don’t change, or very rarely, his appalling treatment of you will resurface and likely worsen. Please seek help, I know how terrifying it may all seem at the moment but every woman who has escaped abuse has made a better life and you deserve nothing less xx

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 05/08/2019 06:31

Op, do you know the friend's name and details? I would have a chat with your local police and see if they can give you any information under "Sarah' Law" or "Claire's Law".
Alternatively, if he turns up again make a safeguarding referral on behalf of your children to your local council. Do not tell your husband your plans. Look after yourself and do not trust him.

Yeahnahmum · 05/08/2019 06:55

Op.there is a difference im between being shy and obliging a strangers man's request for kisses.

Tell your husband that if course he can meet his friend. In the pub. Far away from you.

What an ahole. Him and your husband btw..

ConstableL · 05/08/2019 07:05

You can’t stop your husband being friends with someone. But you can certainly put your foot down about the children around this man. Try and compromise. He can come round only when you and the children are out...or your husband and this man can meet somewhere else. Hopefully it’s a phase with this guy! But w mutual decision for your children should be made. Don’t let your husband walk over you. You have the right to protect your children.

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