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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Me and partner have a disagreement

76 replies

AmITheCrazyOne2 · 30/07/2019 22:28

Hello there looking for advice partner and I have been together nearly 13 years and have 3 children 3,2 and 5 months. At Christmas he introduced me to an old 'family friend' (One no-one had spoken to in well over a decade). I was picking my partner up when we were introduced. The guy decided he HAD to come and have a look at our home to 'check' it for any areas that needed fixing??! I said no but partner obliged anyway. He wanted coffee and we had none so was sent to get some from shop. After handing him a cup of coffee he said he would be stopping for at least 5 cups ( I thought he was joking - he was not) This man was loud, obnoxious, and did not know about personal boundaries. He kept putting his arm around me and demanding kisses on my cheek (I'm quiet and shy, unable to say no partner also did not say anything despite knowing i was uncomfortable) he kept demanding things, swearing and he spoke so loudly it scared the kids. After he left I said I didn't want to see him ever again . 6 months down the line he's started showing up again and I said to my partner that I didn't want him around the kids or me. My partner said luckily he has 50% of the say and if he wants the kids to see him they will. Please help with opinions. Thanks in advance

OP posts:
seven201 · 31/07/2019 02:08

Blimey your updates are a bit terrifying. This is a toxic atmosphere to bring children up in. Do you work? I personally think you need to start getting your ducks in a row so you can leave this abusive man.

Tell your mum and sister the worst bits. Do it for your children and for you.

KingaRoo · 31/07/2019 02:12

If you were my sister however busy I was I would move heaven and earth to support you.

Bibijayne · 31/07/2019 02:22

What @KingaRoo says. Also tell your mum everything. You need to get out.

FagashJackie · 31/07/2019 02:28

Your dh sounds awful, really if you told your mum and sister about the water throwing would they think it was alright.

You poor thing, what a wanker.

TwistyTop · 31/07/2019 02:37

What your partner said doesn't even make sense. If he gets 50% of the say then why does that mean his wants trump yours?

He sounds like a dick. And his "friend" sounds like a dick too.

aurynne · 31/07/2019 02:49

OP, this guy's behaviour screams "grooming" at me. Please don't let him get close to you, or especially, your children. I hope I am very wrong, but he sounds like a predator.

TerrorAustralis · 31/07/2019 03:46

Agree with telling your mum and sister everything, uncensored. And start planning your exit strategy.

What is your relationship like with your DP's siblings? Can you ask them why nobody had contact with this man for 10 years? Surely there's more to that story.

NoCauseRebel · 31/07/2019 04:00

am getting stronger every day just need to hear from other people. Confused Hmm what do you want to hear from them OP, do you want them to share their stories of how they’ve been abused? Or how and where their children were groomed?

Your DP said the kids are half his so he gets to decide - really?

Original poster
AmITheCrazyOne2 · 31/07/2019 04:05

No I just want help

OP posts:
Original poster
AmITheCrazyOne2 · 31/07/2019 04:06

No causerebel what do you mean?

OP posts:
Aria999 · 31/07/2019 04:07

You're not crazy. Your DP is scary and is treating you horribly and without respect. You don't deserve that.

Monty27 · 31/07/2019 04:09

OP your gut feeling is shouting at you.
There's something unsavoury going on.

RightYesButNo · 31/07/2019 04:24

This is when I’m so glad Mumsnet got a voting system and I’m so glad you used it, OP. There may only be some like 40 comments now, but that vote shows that damn near 100% of 139 woman (when I saw it) know you’re right. I hope this helps give you strength, even through your shyness, to do what needs to be done, whether it’s tell this obviously creepy character to jog on or get out of what is obviously, based on your other comments, an abusive relationship with your partner (you are NOT low class and no one should ever throw water on you, love).

You deserve A LOT better.

newnamenewbrain · 31/07/2019 04:42

@AmITheCrazyOne2

Are you in a position to leave? Do you have money or work? Could you & the kids stay with your mum?

You can call women's aid for support. Hopefully some more knowledgeable women will be on their way to give you some more advice.

But do not mention any of this to your partner. You need to get prepared quietly and leave with no build up or he will manipulate you into staying.

Also don't worry about the 'evidence' he has against you. He is saying this to control you. I can't imagine anything you have said in a heated argument would result in losing your children. Remember we all say silly things in the heat of the moment sometimes. .

It's not you. It's him.

Timeandtimeagain42 · 31/07/2019 04:53

I'm scared to just walk out as he has a stack of 'evidence ' against me.

What "evidence" does he have though? It's a classic abuser move to make you feel as if you're the guilty party. Op it's clear now that this visitor is the least of your problems. Ignore your dh "evidence" unless you've done something illegal, in which case tackle it. Start to make plans to get you and the kids away from this relationship so you can continue to grow a d gain strength. Good luck Thanks

Shoxfordian · 31/07/2019 05:44

Your dp sounds like a knob so it's hardly a surprise that his friend is also one. Make steps to leave him, can you stay with friends or family?

Original poster
AmITheCrazyOne2 · 31/07/2019 09:03

Thank you all for your kind words and support. My partner charms everybody when we're out even my mum and sister so very hard for someone to believe me when he's shows nobody else his true colours. I'm going to start planning my escape. My Dad used to physically abuse his girlfriend when I lived with him in my youth and I think this has given me some warped views on what is normal behaviour.

OP posts:
Forgottenwhatsleepis · 31/07/2019 09:15

My exH was like this, and worse. 12 years me and the kids were put through it until I just had enough one day and told him straight we were over and meant it! Please don't be like me, get out now. I wish you luck OP but you can do it x

Forgottenwhatsleepis · 31/07/2019 09:20

My "father" was like this to my mum and every woman he was with. I thought I'd be able to recognise the signs and never put myself in that situation. But being nice and charming and helpful is classic behaviour from an abuser, and my family didn't believe it at first because of my ex being so charming, but once I told them every spit and dribble of everything they were so supportive. I hope you find the strength to at least tell your family everything, and that they support and help you in leaving x

Ishoos · 31/07/2019 09:21

Have you heard about the Freedom programme? Sounds like you would benefit from it.

WashingMyHair247 · 31/07/2019 09:27

OP, my favourite kind of people are working class people.

He's not right in the head, he's not treating you fairly or lovingly. He's controlling and manipulating you and clearly ignoring and stomping on your feelings and your right to a safe and secure home.

This guy sound extremely dodgy and that your husband has let him into your home where he has all but slobbered all over you is vile and a huge breach of trust and due care etc.

I've had to line up my ducks before. I did it several times with the first perp, it was hard because of the baby. It's important in cases like you describe, not to say anything before you leave. Because they'll take anything of yours they deem fair game. They'll try all kinds of shit to stop you. And we all know the statistics on the women who have the worst done to them.

I was timid and quiet and apologetic over everything, for a while after I got away from this guy, because of the gaslighting and emotional abuse. You question everything. Even your own sanity sometimes. It leaves you a puddle of nerves.

And you can overcome that. I'm still a mess, years later. But I'm a strong mess. And I now have a partner worthy of me.

HeyMonkey · 31/07/2019 09:48

If any creepy stranger came into my home and starter telling me to kiss his cheek and trying to hug me i'd be telling the cunt to get his hands off me.

You are allowed to tell a man (or anybody in fact) that you do not want them to touch you. It's your body.

Glitterbug101 · 31/07/2019 09:50

NoCauseRebel Really? Nice, compassionate and understanding response from you there.

Capri0 · 31/07/2019 10:56

@NoCauseRebel that is such an unhelpful and bitchy comment, the op needs support not a judgment and arsy comments from strangers!
OP, please please start organising yourself to leave this person. He is toxic and manipulative and his ''friend'' sounds dangerous to have around kids. You need to be strong for your kids and yourself, please contact Women's Aid and I am sure they will have the best advice for you in your current situation.
Best of luck OP, you can do it Flowers Flowers Flowers

Teaandcrisps · 31/07/2019 11:07

So sorry that you are going thru this. Read your thread back as if its your best friend and you will be horrified. Throwing water? Vids of arguments? Strange fellas in your home? It's not right.

Is there any where you can stay to get some headspace - maybe just for a short time? You need to protect yourself and your children, but it sounds like you already know that smtgs not right.
What are you going to do next?