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Original poster

WIBU to dump my boyfriend over a bad gut feeling?

91 replies

goldfishandcheese · 30/07/2019 19:51

Was with a guy for 10 weeks, he honestly seemed absolutely perfect in every way. He was very full on and said all the right things, we had said "I love you" etc, good chemistry and banter. Both looking to settle down and lots in common.

But I had this overwhelming what I can only describe as gut wrenching feeling from the moment I first started texting with him. I can not describe it other than as a feeling of sheer and utter dread - not so much when I was actually with him but more so when we were apart and I was thinking of him or was due to see him.

Something just didn't feel right about him but I can't for the life of me pinpoint anything that it could be. I couldn't trust him, once again, no reason not to. I put it down to maybe being my own insecurities.

My gut had been screaming so loud at me though it honestly became impossible for me to ignore and manifested in me losing my appetite and sleep.

So I broke things off two weeks ago and since then he has been respectful and left me alone. Usually in this situation I would feel a bit sad but honestly I feel this overwhelming relief and happiness and have my appetite back. I feel empowered and almost as if I escaped a near death experience.

It sounds dramatic. Can anyone explain this? Was I wrong to split with him without a solid reason?

OP posts:
ThisIsTheFirstDay · 30/07/2019 22:01

Did you feel insecure in the relationship? Did you miss him when you weren't together? Did everything feel 'perfect' when you were physically together?

MitziK · 30/07/2019 22:14

Never trust anybody whose smile stops at their cheekbones.

It's the one thing that has kept me out of a lot of trouble (and ignoring it got me into even more).

You did the right thing.

Original poster
goldfishandcheese · 30/07/2019 22:19

@ThisIsTheFirstDay yes at times I felt he would go a little distant for a few days at a time so I guess that made me slightly insecure.

I missed him in the sense that I felt uneasy when we were apart so in a way I wanted him to come back as yes in person everything felt perfect when we were physically together. But the minute he would leave, the minute, I would feel physically sick.

OP posts:
BillywilliamV · 30/07/2019 22:23

I had major anxiety when I first went out with DH 20 years ago. It took me a while to realise it was because I was totally unused to a relationship working, being easy! I was psychologically addicted to drama and without it I wasn’t sure where I was. Stuck it out though, thank god!

thetimekeeper · 30/07/2019 22:25

How many weeks had you known each other before the "I love you"s?

Nobody is absolutely perfect. Maybe you were just reacting to it being too full on too fast. It is a massive warning sign for a reason, after all.

Regardless, you don't need a solid reason to end something if it's not feeling right for you. It's not like starting a new job where you've signed a contract, need the job and are trying to make the best of it!

Original poster
goldfishandcheese · 30/07/2019 22:33

@thetimekeeper he said if first over text and then demanded I say it to him first in person. That's a bit bonkers when I write it down 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
goldfishandcheese · 30/07/2019 22:33

@thetimekeeper sorry, after 2/3 weeks

OP posts:
MRex · 30/07/2019 22:36

That's not romantic, that's creepy. Determining whether and how to state your feelings is not something to be controlled. You're well rid.

TanyaChix · 30/07/2019 22:38

Sometimes people with psychopathic tendencies are incredibly charming and wonderful but feign emotions that they aren’t really capable of experiencing. Because this feeling doesn’t reach their eyes it gives that dead sort of emotion in the eyes that you describe. Often if psychopaths are violent, victims describe their eyes as being distant or dead at the time. Have a look online and see if you recognise anything else in him which is associated with the condition.

silvercuckoo · 30/07/2019 22:45

OP, I had a similar feeling ONCE in my life (very very long time ago) about the guy I met at a disco and had a couple of casual dates with, we weren't even intimate. I could not shake the feeling off and just ghosted him in the end, and felt terrible about it.

Just as you explain it, a knot in the stomach and a feeling of extreme physical anxiety. Also, something similar to that weird feeling when you wake up from a nightmare and cannot immediately tell reality from the dream.

Next time I saw him was a couple years later, in the local news. I think about that now and shudder.

Superfoodie123 · 30/07/2019 23:11

Reminds me of a book I read 'when the body says no'

Trust your gut

hadthesnip2 · 30/07/2019 23:19

I dont believe in gut instincts. Load of twaddle. You either know something or you dont. Bloke has had a lucky escape.

RagingWhoreBag · 30/07/2019 23:23

You might want to read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. He’s an expert in risk assessment and personal security and he talks about how we have evolved to sense a wrong ‘un! That’s not to say this guy is a serial killer, but there may be something about him that is deeply incompatible with you and even though you can’t consciously see it, you know.

EnoughLifeLessons · 30/07/2019 23:31

he said it first over text and then demanded I say it to him first in person. That's a bit bonkers when I write it down

that’s weird, creepy and controlling as hell. Run a mile, OP.

Also, while you did well getting rid of him, you maybe need to work on your boundaries even more. If you’re not enjoying their company or something feels wrong, you should feel confident enough to end it and move on. Don’t let it get to 10 weeks!!! You don’t owe men anything. You don’t HAVE to go on another date just because he hasn’t done anything particularly wrong. You’re allowed to just not like him and move on.

Original poster
goldfishandcheese · 30/07/2019 23:43

@hadthesnip2 😂

OP posts:
31RueCambon · 30/07/2019 23:45

Funny how ''onlyaman'' and ''hadthesnip2'' don't believe in gut feelings. Literally every woman gets it.

31RueCambon · 30/07/2019 23:46

I wish I'd listened to my gut feelings before I got involved with my DC's father :-( Escaped. But not Easily.....

Hithere12 · 31/07/2019 00:06

OP get out!!! Trust your gut!!!

Saracen · 31/07/2019 01:11

It doesn't really matter whether there is actually anything wrong with him.

You can't have a happy relationship with someone who gives you the creeps! Of course you had to end it.

KingaRoo · 31/07/2019 01:42

I feel like this about my sister in law. I don't get why everyone else seems to like her. There's just something not right about her and I feel physically revulsed when I see her or even hear her voice. In fact, even when I hear her name! I don't think she's a psychopath or anything but I do think that she is deeply disturbed and possibly delusional about some things. It's like everything in my body screams danger when she's near. But she works as a nurse and people seem to fall over themselves to say how wonderful she is.
Unfortunately as she's family and I have no reason not to be around her (there's never been any outward conflict with her) I have to suck it up but I am really intrigued as to why I feel like that around her.
The only other time I've felt like that was about a boy I was at school with who turned out to be a stalker...
Anyway, OP you have definitely done the right thing and I wonder if you need to spend some time thinking why you let it carry on for so long while you felt that way. Perhaps some counselling could be beneficial? Without figuring it out you could go into a relationship in the future that is not good for you and could have lifetime consequences.

TheInebriati · 31/07/2019 01:52

You can download these or read them online;
Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
tinyurl.com/GiftoFear

Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that?
tinyurl.com/LundyWhy

They'll explain a lot of how he behaved and why you react with dread when he wasn't around.
Controlling men like you to feel unbalanced and uncertain, especially when they aren't around, so that you associate them and their opinions with feelings of certainty.

TwistyTop · 31/07/2019 02:25

YANBU at all. Even if there was nothing untoward happening, so what? Someone creeping you out and filling you with dread is not a viable dating option for you. You're supposed to have a romantic spark, not be scared of them and lose sleep with worry.

You don't need excuses to break up with someone. Not wanting to be with them is enough.

tryingtobebetterallthetime · 31/07/2019 02:30

If you had stayed with him you would always have that feeling in the back of you mind. You did exactly the right thing. I agree with everyone who says you don't need any more reason than you don't want to carry on the relationship. Good for you.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 31/07/2019 02:52

Very very likely indeed that this man was bad news. You've had a lucky escape I would say, OP. He doesn't sound very nice at all.

lilmishap · 31/07/2019 03:00

I love you within 10 weeks.
It wasn't just a gut feeling thats a red flag.
But it's been 2 weeks so why fret now

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