WIBU to dump my boyfriend over a bad gut feeling?

[goldfishandcheese]

Was with a guy for 10 weeks, he honestly seemed absolutely perfect in every way. He was very full on and said all the right things, we had said "I love you" etc, good chemistry and banter. Both looking to settle down and lots in common.

But I had this overwhelming what I can only describe as gut wrenching feeling from the moment I first started texting with him. I can not describe it other than as a feeling of sheer and utter dread - not so much when I was actually with him but more so when we were apart and I was thinking of him or was due to see him.

Something just didn't feel right about him but I can't for the life of me pinpoint anything that it could be. I couldn't trust him, once again, no reason not to. I put it down to maybe being my own insecurities.

My gut had been screaming so loud at me though it honestly became impossible for me to ignore and manifested in me losing my appetite and sleep.

So I broke things off two weeks ago and since then he has been respectful and left me alone. Usually in this situation I would feel a bit sad but honestly I feel this overwhelming relief and happiness and have my appetite back. I feel empowered and almost as if I escaped a near death experience.

It sounds dramatic. Can anyone explain this? Was I wrong to split with him without a solid reason?

@VenusTiger he's only had one ex and was quite short term - less than a year. I only know her first name and he doesn't have social media to snoop

It really doesn’t matter whether he’s a bad ‘un or not - the way he made you feel made a relationship untenable, so breaking things off was the right thing to do.

Humans are conditioned to find certain physical characteristics creepy (like skinniness and paleness). Did he by any chance look extremely creepy? Or he may have been disingenuous and you were picking up on that - most people are terrible liars but few people can pick up on that consciously resulting in ‘bad feelings’ instead. Who knows? At any rate you did the right thing - the relationship was t good for you.

People trusting their gut meant that Christopher Jeffries was guilty of murder by public opinion, event though he'd done nothing wrong.

But no one needs a decent reason to dump anyone. If you don't want to see someone anymore, then don't. You don't need an excuse.

I worked with someone (was assisting him with something to do with benefits), quite recently, who filled me with dread. For no reason. He was polite and friendly. But I would feel cold and dizzy in his presence, I physically shook and actually felt like running away.

After a few short meetings I passed the case onto my colleague as I couldn't handle speaking to him. We got his full story a short time later and criminal record (although I'm sure there's more not on record) .. it was horrific. I'm not surprised I wanted to run. So I am a firm believer now in trusting strong gut feelings.

I really believe in gut instinct; sometimes it’s not anything to do with that person and more that they bring up something for me from the past. Either way if you don’t feel right about it then don’t continue it.

Lifecraft I always thought that was more about the stereotype of the “odd guy” rather than any of the involved people’s gut instinct but maybe I misunderstood it

@BogglesGoggles he was actually extremely pale and there was something about his eyes, I don't know how to explain it but that's strange you say that cause he would joke about how pale he is

YANBU. I've ignored that feeling before, and bitterly regretted it. Always trust your gut.

The only reason you need to dump someone is because you don't want to be with them any more. They don't have to have done anything wrong.

The only reason you need to dump someone is because you don't want to be with them any more. They don't have to have done anything wrong.

This. There was something about him your didn't like OP - whether that thing was rational or not, you didn't like it so why on earth would you enter a relationship with him?

Not the OP, but I hate the posts where women are saying "is this abuse?" so they can dump a boyfriend - as if that is the only reason to end a relationship. The guy I broke up with before I met DH was/is one of the nicest people I know. I just didn't want to be in a romantic relationship with him.

I think this is the other recent thread people are referring to: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3635037-to-trust-my-instinct-even-though-everything-seems-normal

I would go with your gut feeling. I spent 3 years with someone and felt like this everytime I was with him. Like a knot in the stomach. There's a huge back story to this, for me but the relief of not being with him and feeling free is so worth it. So no don't ignore it!

Weird, I had an odd sensation about someone today - working with one of our new hires. Very very clever man, but always "on", cheshire cat grinning while he bigs himself up and tries to demonstrate his immense knowledge about the entire world every 3 seconds when in public. I felt very tense and watchful around him, as though I were being tested somehow. I got back to my car ahead of him, and watched him walk past although he didn't see me - something about his hunched posture, flat shark eyes and cruel face when he thought no-one was watching creeped me the fuck out. .

Everyone at work thinks he's the dog bollocks strangely, but there's something...mean about him.

Sorry OP, no help to you whatsoever. But fwiw I reckon you've done the right thing!

If you were having these feelings from 'the moment you first started texting him', it sounds like an issue with you rather than instinctively picking up on something about him.

But you can date and break up with whoever you want.

My ex was like this. A had just a weird feeling about him, but I couldn't make sense of it so I ignored it. I thought it must be me. And when I was with him he was great, everything was perfect, I felt SO unguarded around him but when he wasn't there... something inside me was just... off.

Bona fide psychopath. Came damn close to ruining my life. All in secret, I neve spotted it. He looked perfect right up until it all came out.

I have never met anyone EVER who regretted following their gut. Met loads of people who regretted ignoring it.

Always follow your gut

@crankyassnoperope that is exactly how I feel. Totally comfortable with him but sick, anxious and filled with dread when I'm not with him. So strange. Sorry that happened to you.

@M0RVEN because he wasn't doing anything outwardly wrong so I put it down to me being insecure or overly paranoid or scared of getting hurt

I am ASTOUNDED that you would enter into a sexual relationship with a man who creeped you out from the first time you met him “just because he didn’t do anything outwardly wrong “!!!

You don’t owe any man your time or your body because he’s not done anything bad enough yet . It sounds like your default position is that you have to do this until you can think of a good enough reason not to.

Most women wouldn’t have even one date with a man who filled them with dread. Honestly I think you need to work on your boundaries.

I have no idea if your feelings about this man are objectively justified or not and it actually doesn’t matter. Because not wanting to date him is a good enough reason not to date him.

Are his eyes unusual? At all sickly looking? Because we are genetically geared to get bad vibes from that sort of thing.

@BogglesGoggles I want to kind of say a dead behind the eyes look. Like his face would be smiling but his eyes wouldn't be

@BogglesGoggles and yes unusual colour

I don't think you could realistically have continued in a relationship where you felt that way, so you've done the right thing. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the bloke - just that you clearly weren't feeling how you should in a relationship! You never need an excuse or justification for not wanting to be with someone.

It didnt feel right! You did the right thing.
It wasnt a job! Why "stick it out?"

I'm a big believer in trusting your gut. Anytime I've ignored mine I've ended up wishing I hadn't.

Thanks op, I'm a bit evangelical about heeding bad feelings these days but I'm not sorry! I think us women often think "it's probably me" when actually we should all back ourselves and each other a little bit more.

For interest, this is from Psychology Today:

Those who have engaged with psychopaths or narcissists often retroactively report having had an initial feeling that something was off, but they did not heed it. Some actually said that they felt queasy or sensed a coldness in the individual, but brushed it aside because they wanted to like the person or were flattered by his attention.

Neither a perfectly-crafted mask nor the world's most charming repartee can fully camouflage a lack of emotional empathy, which is the defining hallmark of both psychopathy and narcissism. A person cannot wholly fake that which they do not experience, even if they say and do “all the right things.” So while your conscious mind focuses on an individual's statements and conversational style, your subconscious registers possible discrepancies between that person's outward comportment and his hidden feelings. Stay attuned to both avenues of information if you suspect you are in the presence of a person who wants to manipulate you, or who is nothing like the entity they are conjuring in conversation.