To want to walk out and start over...

[FookMeFookYou]

This is in response to yet another job rejection due to my 'circumstances'

The circumstances being that I'm currently a SAHM with an 18m and 9 year old. I'm HR qualified, have six recent job related qualifications and been out of PAID work for 2 years having relocated and fallen pregnant just before moving (following years of infertility).

I'm heading for a minimum wage job and I fucking resent it. I've worked too bloody hard to stay current and evidence my CPD to keep being rejected for jobs that I am more than qualified for.

I resent my circumstances totally and I just want to leave all this behind and start again on my own. No responsibilities other than myself.

To make matters worse my DH career is flying (of fucking course) and I'm on the shit heap at 37!! Honesty I've truly had enough...

Before anyone jumps on me - I love my kids but me having a prolonged career break was not through choice. No one else's plans changed, only mine...

And of course there is nothing wrong with earning minimum wage - a job is a job, however I want to recommence my career in my chosen industry which I have worked really hard for.

A productive career break and one extra child should not be a barrier to that!

So pissed off right now...

Yes @FurryTurnipHead exactly... age is another hang up that I have. When I had just the one child I was already employed in a good job and it didn't take me long to return to my former glory, gain promotions and a decent salary. I then got made redundant and it's been a slippery slope ever since.

I'm now 37 with another young child in tow, a two year gap (and growing), lack of opportunities and it's the 'no end in sight' that I struggle to deal with day in day out. I hate that I'm starting to resent my family - I know deep down it's not their fault but I don't have the same job freedom or earning potential that my husband does.

He can be flexible and we are both aware that the children are 50/50 BUT we need the bills paying in the meantime so there's nothing we can do about the lack of money for pre-emptive childcare. It's a luxury we can't afford.

I really hope you are able to find something that suits you, or at the very least helps build your confidence back up.

I know there are so many women in the same boat and it really pisses me off. I don't want to go all political but the sodding government are not doing enough. Look at their last major initiative, shared parental leave which had minimal take up and went down like a sack of spuds.

If I and the thousands of other women qualified for free childcare earlier, the benefit to the economy would be far greater. There are those who argue that 'why should taxpayers pay for...etc' but as a taxpayer I would rather pay to get women back to work when they want to rather than when they are restricted to.

Phewwwww... rant over.

@YouJustDoYou it's probably a good thing that I don't have a degree as I'd be even more incensed 😬

The thing with me also is that I've always based my value/self-worth on how I am doing work wise and what I can contribute financially. Ppl could say 'well don't, stop thinking that way' - but that's what drives me. I love the chase, the achievement and the buzz.

It's true that the sacrifices are great, and the reward should be also but unfortunately I'm failing to see that atm.

I hope something comes along for you soon 👍🏼

@Xenia I'd happily pay 50% of my salary to have reliable childcare. Thats what we did previously with our first child. But this time round we can't afford to pay for childcare with no clear timeframe for when I may get a job.

The thing with me also is that I've always based my value/self-worth on how I am doing work wise and what I can contribute financially

^^This. Me too. So so many many women judge another woman by her worth by what employment she does or doesn't have.

I had another mother at my dh's school for example whose face utterly (comically) change when I said I'm not currently working when she asked "what I did". I could've told her I have a degree I slaved for but gave everything up to care for my nan when my dad died when I was still at university. But no. I am worth shit, because I'm not employed in an amazing job.

@YouJustDoYou that's horrible. I wouldn't pass the same judgement on others, just my own worst critic.

If that's what you did for your Nan After losing your dad too then that to me says more about you than any job ever could. That's really selfless and I don't think many ppl would do that.

OP I completely get you. I sometimes felt the career sacrifice I made to SAHM wasn't worth the benefits. DH has progressed and earns enough for all of us, but work gives you so much more than a wage.

I didn't intend to SAHM, it happened due a set of circumstances out of my control.

When I was eventually in a position to start job hunting I had not worked for 10+ years. But I didn't want to go back to my old profession, law, completely inflexible and not at family friendly and I had been too long out to get back in.

I used to have panic attacks and severe anxiety at the thought of being at home indefinitely as 99% of the time I either heard nothing from job applications or got a no thank you and there were v few jobs I could even apply for as I needed to be local and part time.

But, it is not all doom and gloom as last year I was offered a part time local job with lots of opportunity for promotion and progression in a completely different field.

So it can be done but it takes a lot of perseverance, constant tweaking of your cv until it gets you an interview and I guess a little bit of luck.

It's v unfair and I agree something needs to be done at a government level to ensure mums can go back to work after a gap but can't see that happening any time soon.

Good luck and don't give up, every little step is a learning opportunity and you will absolutely get there.

Im from Denmark. We pay 3000 danish croners for a nursery. And about 2000 dk for before and after school club. Half price for sibling. Just about.
It is insane to put woman in this position about your daycare prices. Insane. And waste of workers, and tax.

A month, that is.

@FookMeFookYou I'm fine now thanks, fully recovered but desperate to get back into the NHS but probably never will.

@dimsum123 thank you, your post is very encouraging. And snap on the anxiety and panic when you can't see an end to being at home. It's such a horrible feeling.

Good luck with your current role 🙌🏼

@WhateverName2 just done a quick currency conversion. Wow. Honestly life would be so much less stressful if we were facing the same costs.

I wouldn’t dream of mentioning my children in a job interview or application process. I remember telling DH about an interview and he asked if I’d mentioned them. I said absolutely not. Turns out he used to tell everyone about his

Another who didnt mention my son at interview. They offered me an interview date/time and I was there (dh took a half day) once offered the job (15th october) we agreed a start date for 20th November. This gave me the time to arrange nursery and ds to have some settling in sessions before starting. I'd already viewed local nurseries and had 3 I'd be happy for him to attend - luckily my favourite was able to accommodate what we needed. You need to make it not a problem without making it their problem.

I am retired so I'm not up with what are correct/not correct procedures but if you've just been rejected could you not ring the man up and simply ask him what reasons he had to come to his decision? I can't see that you have anything to lose and he might be able to give you some useful insight for future applications.

@SuzieSunshine I was tempted but was so annoyed at the time I didn't even acknowledge his text. It was such a dramatic rise and fall - our quality of life would improve so much if I was earning too and the rejection text just floored me and then I got angry 😬

@QforCucumber yes I have another one (closing date was last Friday) that is looking for someone to start in September or soon thereafter so if by some miracle I get to the point of job offer I'll have time to find someone suitable.

Fingers x'd

I am going to take the pressure off though as it does feel like there are more reasons as to why it's just not the right time atm

And I actually really enjoyed my day with the kids today so I feel much better

@FookMeFookYou Yes I'd def wait until I felt calmer!! You never know - you might get some useful pointers and he might, after your 'calm' approach to his initial rejection, change his mind!!
Best of luck xx

yes, Denmark is much better. In central London for a baby and a small toddler it can be £24k and £22k after tax so about £46k after tax income for full time care in a nursery. You can get £4000 back from the state if you earn under a financial limit but atht is nothing compared with £46k of cost. In theory some free hours but only for older children i.e. no use to women who don't want to sacrifice their career and have a massive career gap that damages them for life so that in a sense is irrelevant to many women who are back very soon after the baby arrives.

@Passthecherrycoke arggh that's bloody annoying. Blatantly the assumption is that 'the wife' is at home so let him chat about his children.

DH is at home for the next couple of days so I'm going to shut myself away and rejig my CV 👌🏼

OP Has it occurred to you you might have another calling - to maybe run for office?

I know you said you wanted to stay in the same career but seriously isn't it going to be women who've experienced this kind of crap, and are good and mad about this unconscious and conscious sexism that are going to stop it? So called "HR" departments across the country perpetrate sexism, ageism and racism daily and btw... those depts are OFTEN run by women so its a really deep problem !

@iwunderwhy I agree it's a systemic problem and you are right that I and many, many others (sigh) are substantially angry enough.

However, I wouldn't consider myself eloquent enough to speak on behalf of so many women. My anger reduces me to an incoherent snorting mess unfortunately...

I have many frustrations with HR which is why I joined to try and improve it from the inside out. I was treated really poorly on three different occasions by supposedly progressive, forward-thinking organisations.

It's so bloody frustrating. Especially when you have the addition of go between agencies who get to decide whether to put your CV forward - or not as in my case 'because you've been out of the job for two years' facepalm