To want to walk out and start over...

[FookMeFookYou]

This is in response to yet another job rejection due to my 'circumstances'

The circumstances being that I'm currently a SAHM with an 18m and 9 year old. I'm HR qualified, have six recent job related qualifications and been out of PAID work for 2 years having relocated and fallen pregnant just before moving (following years of infertility).

I'm heading for a minimum wage job and I fucking resent it. I've worked too bloody hard to stay current and evidence my CPD to keep being rejected for jobs that I am more than qualified for.

I resent my circumstances totally and I just want to leave all this behind and start again on my own. No responsibilities other than myself.

To make matters worse my DH career is flying (of fucking course) and I'm on the shit heap at 37!! Honesty I've truly had enough...

Before anyone jumps on me - I love my kids but me having a prolonged career break was not through choice. No one else's plans changed, only mine...

And of course there is nothing wrong with earning minimum wage - a job is a job, however I want to recommence my career in my chosen industry which I have worked really hard for.

A productive career break and one extra child should not be a barrier to that!

So pissed off right now...

@BetsyBigNose I could have wrote your post almost word for word, it happens to so many of us and it’s horrible and so unfair. I suppose luckily for me I managed to keep my foot in the door whilst my dd2 was little, putting her in nursery at six months, however I haven’t progressed for years because of the kids and I even though my job title is hr officer I am in just above nmw and do a lot, A LOT of basic admin work, I feel so far behind and realistically can’t move jobs for another few years until dd1 is in senior school at least!

sorry for autocorrects!

I understand OP. I have a technical science BSc, an MSc, a PGSE but took a year off after DS2 was born. I'm currently a waitress.

It comes across as though you were trying to organise him instead of letting him suggest time, place, day and you then bending over backwards to meet at his suggested time. You sound too bossy and controlling whereas you should be the opposite if you want to have a chance and getting past an interview. Prospective employers want to think you’ll go out of your way to please them and fit in. You certainly don’t mention your day to day concerns over childcare, travelling etc. You sounded as though you were putting the interview last rather than first in your priorities. That’s not going to land you a job .

@catinboots99 oh ffs and I bet you get some real shits speaking to you like an idiot... I'm sure the majority are nice but it only takes one.

This all just feels so wrong 😑

@Flupibass bossy and controlling 😂 me agreeing to check the best day and come back to him in order for us to meet. That's a leap.

Also this ain't my first rodeo. I'm not a first jobber with foot-in-mouth, nor putting off potential employers with my outlandish demands.

I'm a mum desperate to get back to work and gain some self-esteem for which many women find themselves in the same position. Sexism and work bias are rife. If you haven't experienced it then count yourself lucky.

I don't think it's a good idea to mention children or house renovations on your CV in order to explain a career break. A functional rather than chronological CV would seem to be the best way forward and then explaining gaps in person when you get an interview.

As PP's have suggested, there's no need to mention family commitments at all during the interview process - even if the role on offer is 'flexible' Once they've offered you the job, having identified you as the best candidate, you're in a stronger negotiating position and can request flexibility. Few employers will want to restart recruitment from scratch once they've made an offer.

I agree with the last poster. Stop talking about that stuff until after you have been offered the job!

It's not just kids OP. I left the NHS after 15 years in my particular specialty to have and recover from a serious illness then I took some very well paid private work. Can I get back into the NHS at my former grade? Can I fuck. I keep being offered graduate level entry and they can go to hell.
I'll just have to keep doing private practice where I earn three times as much as the NHS, it's just incredibly time consuming doing all of the tax.

Yes I agree I should scrap all that from my CV. I think I've been caught in a Mum bubble for the last couple of years 🤦🏽‍♀️

Maybe I also need to accept that I'm just the person I used to be, well currently at least.

Thanks for responding everyone.

@madcatladyforever I think I just feel that it's my family situation that's holding me back. In my super-frustrated GET ME OUTTA HERE moments but you're right it could and does happen to other ppl for equally frustrating reasons.

I suppose the earnings for you are a nice benefit of not being able to return but if you are passionate about the NHS and have trained for years to develop a specialty I understand it feels like a complete kick in the teeth. It seems crazy considering how many NHS services are struggling - underfunded and lacking skills, difficulty recruiting due to poor pay. You'd think they would snap you up.

I trust you are fully recovered

*I'm not the person I used to be

I think maybe you need to stop leading with this and focus on the work you can do for them. I expect because it’s an HR role, they will probably expect you to lead with your qualifications.

I’ve worked flexibly in every role I’ve had for 6 years. I went from 18 months as a SAHM/mat leave when my 2nd was born into a new job with a big promotion. I did it because I was qualified and I came in with a good attitude and presented myself as someone who would get the job done and be easy to work with. I negotiated salary and flexible working after I’d been offered the position. Present yourself as hardworking and easy going and qualified. I didn’t talk about being at home with my children in the interview and it got only one small line in my cover letter (when I emphasised I could start immediately as I was currently at home with my kids, so framed it to their advantage). When they made me an offer, I then laid out what I needed in terms of my working arrangements. It was no big deal.

Very few men talk about their family commitments when applying for a job. Why do you feel the need to? Cmon you say you're hr. you must know that it doesn't matter what your commitments are, at interview you appear willing and open and able. You don't get into thr personal stuff.

And telling him you'd check the best time? Seriously? Why not say what time suits you? I will work to that. Show flexibility? And offering he could come to you?

It's not your family that's holding you back, it's you.

Just keep trying. I didn't take the 2 years off work you did when you had a baby so didn't have these issues nor relocate - other than my husband moved for my job not vice versa. I have always just worked full time and ensured childcare arrangements meant I could do normal work/ working hours, which childcare by they way are not a woman's thing to arrange - my children's father even 30 years ago found the childcare.....

@Bluntness100 he said he would come to me and when I realised my appt was closer to him I offered to meet him near his office.

If it is me holding myself back it's not intentional

Yes I work in HR but that's not all I am. Personally I wouldn't discount someone who disclosed their situation. I appreciate honesty. I mentioned my time out to raise my children because I don't see that it's anything to hide, not because I feel I need to disclose it.

But I agree that I'll just take all the personal shit out

@Xenia my son is easy to sort as he at school f/t but my daughter would require a f/t childminder which takes time to arrange. We can't afford to pay someone to take her now. When she is 3 we will be eligible for 15hrs free childcare which will make things a hell of a lot easier to increase the hours depending on what the job requires. At the moment I am the childcare but some days I struggle with feeling like I'm wasting away...

I will keep trying though, I don't give up. This post has kicked me into knowing I need to change my CV... again

@mindutopia I definitely need to build my confidence.

I just have this overwhelming feeling atm that I'm destined for more than being at home. But then I'm panicking by these rejections which range from 'my circumstances' - so I'll remove that, to 'it's been two years' - well yes, but I can evidence how I've used that time to progress and gain additional qualifications - however at that point they are not interested. Or they just don't respond at all.

It's those kind of responses that have led me to believe that if I'm upfront about the gaps and can put a positive spin on it then it really shouldn't be a problem.

But I'll go back to the drawing board and work on my spiel

Honestly op. Your personal life is your personal life. It's fuck all to do with your employer. You can happily mention you took two years out to raise your child but are ready to get back to work and have reliable child care sorted, then you move on.

You present yourself as able, willing, and available. You discuss the role. You don't sit and discuss your personal life or the struggles you have. It doesn't matter if it's child care, a dog, elderly parents, whatever, you don't discuss your personal life and challenges at interview.

And if someone in hr doesn't know that, and thinks an employer would love to hear all about it at interview, then you're sadly mistaken.

Keep the personal shit out of it. Simply present yourself as avaiłable and willing to get back to work. Do not labour the point. Your personal lif is not anything to do with your employer.

Plenty of women go back after a short absence of two years. Many much longer. The reason you're not being employed is because of how you're presenting yourself. It's nothing to do with your family. Take personal responsibility and sort yourself out,

Very few men talk about their family commitments when applying for a job.

I agree with this - good to see you're thinking the same now, OP.

If a man made a big point of his family situation in his CV and interview it would be equally as likely to cause the employer to take a step back. It immediately brings to mind the possibility of unreliability and other priorities, however unfounded those thoughts are.

I really don't think it's sexism at all.

@Bluntness100 I don't think lying is the way forward. I don't have childcare sorted and I certainly wouldn't dump my child on any old Tom, dick or Harry. Plus I didn't even go into any detail about my circumstances, just that I have two children - he asked me their ages and I told him. That was it. He then decided that I wasn't able to fulfil the role. The role being one that is 'flexible around family commitments'. That's bollox

I've been sorting myself out (as you put it) by gaining extra qualifications and keeping myself current/maintaining my professional membership. That hasn't been easy with two kids but I've done it. I'm not a sit around and moan type.

Frustration over ppl dismissing you for reasons they already know about is what I have a problem with. Telling you by text is another

For clarification, there was no interview. It was a 10min chat of not very much, mostly around finding a date/time for interview. I didn't disclose anything other than my children's ages. My youngest is not at a stage where we qualify for any childcare, therefore I am the childcare. We can't afford to put her somewhere now in the hope that I'll land a job eventually, that's unsustainable.

More than anything I think it's just the wrong time.

Thanks for the responses everyone

I remember bringing up children at one interview because we had a full time daily nanny at home for the first 2 children who stayed 10 years - she cost 50% of each of our full time salaries by the way!!!!! but it was worth that cost because it preserved our two careers. In other words I could prove as could my children's father who was equally as involved with the family, that we had good reliable chidcare and back ups in place (we had an agency on speed dial who for a very expensive charge could send someone that day to cover is other childcare let us down).

This is what I find so upsetting, that so many women, just as you say, are headed for minimum wage work simply because they've had children and may not have worked for a comparatively small amount of time. At the moment, I am university educated but the only work I can probably get is working in Travelodge as a cleaner because they're actually quite supportive of parents needing certain hours. I can't go back to my chosen career due to the overseas location, visa issues, and hours required. It's a lot that we need to sacrifice sometimes, just to have children.

No practical suggestions, but I know how you feel OP. I am struggling to find any work at all, despite previously being reasonably senior in the public sector. I took a career break to raise a child, my own choice, but totally underestimated how hard it would be to get back into work. My confidence is shattered, I feel I have no self worth, and feel that as I'm in my mid forties, I am now totally fucked career wise!