OW get more of the blame than OM (in other words society is sexist in this day and age)

[Rainbowhairdontcare]

As inspired by the other thread currently going on. People only mention sex, bit nobody mentioned love.

I know of two cases (a brother and sister). Both had short lived affairs (around three months), their family knew both were miserable in their respective marriages.

When she filed for divorce her exH recognised their marriage was done and everybody moved on quite easily, their DDs are happy and her partner moved in about 7 months ago. Her mom isn't very happy with their relationship but that's s different matter, nobody pointed fingers as to who was at fault for the breakdown of the marriage.

The brother on the other hand, didn't have the same "luck" his exW blamed the OW for everything and still does even though years have passed and she's about to get married again. She condoned her exSIL saying she was unhappy so understandably looked for it somewhere else. He has now married the OW and are expecting their first baby together. The mum is happy with this relationship but it might be that she's excited about the baby. The rest of the family seem to think they're well suited too.

I think society punishes more the OW, she's most of the times the "homewrecker", the OM seldom gets mentioned and in any case the "adulterous" wife is always to blame. Both are sexist attitudes IMO.

Two issues. Yes you’re correct, the OW ofte gets more blame usually couched in language surrounding sexual proximity.

The reason people mention love is it doesn’t matter. Falling in love with someone else happens. You dont need to have an affair on the strength thereof. Having an affair is always a choice.

It was their choice, nobody can take that away, but I don't feel it's the same type of affair like those which go on for years and string along both the wife and the OW. The cheating husband most likely never wanted to leave.

In this case the husband wanted to leave but had no idea how, the so called "exit affair"

Yup. The double moral standard is alive and well.

That's why when women post on here that they're tempted by a married man they get told you're nothing to him, you're just a shag, I hope he dumps you, karma etc.

Actual karma would of course be the married person getting dumped but wheres the fun in that, when a slag can get her comeuppance.

Women have to invest in this hatred of other women so that if it ever happens to them, they can place the blame outside their home.

I agree with you.

Society holds women to a higher standard of morals and values. That's really it I think.

Women are expected to be nice and lovely....we don't expect them to be involved in the most horrible things that would hurt another woman... but that's not reality.

I know this is something that really annoys many OWs who feel they are blamed for everything...even when the couple reconcile within a community where they're all known...ppl stay away from the OW...see her as a husband stealer and the MM as a defenceless victim who was seduced.

Men are almost expected to have affairs, as they cannot control themselves and it's almost seen as natural that they have multiple partners like animals.

In this case the husband wanted to leave but had no idea how, the so called "exit affair"

Bit of a trope, no?

I don’t think either of them will have comfortable new relationships long term given the start of the relationship was based on deceit.

The reason people mention love is it doesn’t matter. Falling in love with someone else happens. You dont need to have an affair on the strength thereof. Having an affair is always a choice.

Have you read all the threads on here about how EAs are as bad as PAs? Which isn't to say I don't agree with you - I really do - but I don't think that's why people focus on the "just a shag" element.

JacquesHammer that I don't know... It seems like their family isn't the most stable or has the best examples. I've been told his marriage started as an affair too and lasted almost 12 years together, and she cheated on him early on.

The sister is on her third "marriage".

From what I can gather these two "overlap" relationships but don't cheat until the relationship is dead.

OM doesnt exist
The woman cheats. Is a cheater and thats the end of it

The OW (cringe) is something other women made up to play the victim card as in "she fuckes my husband and ruined my life"
Uhm no. HE fucked another woman and ruined your life

Or.
I guess that's just my view.
And only sort of replying to what you are asking (cooking dinner at the same time hahah)

I don't think a couple can recover from an EA, It means that you truly don't love your partner anymore. That is the end of any relationship.

I agree that women often get more blame, but I don't think it's society that does that, I think it's more women.

My experience of this amongst people I know is similar to yours, men who have been cheated on blame their partner and even themselves, women who have been cheated on blame their partner and seem to put a lot of blame on the OW, directed gentlemen most of their anger towards her as well.

@Yeahnahmum the husband in that case is almost never to blame! He was a victim of the OW, because somehow they have special seductive powers, even if for example she was the one being chased for example.

I agree that women often get more blame, but I don't think it's society that does that, I think it's more women

I agree partially but I think Society particular frowns upon a sexual woman.

I’ve had abusive messages on here from people because I have a FWB. Both single, both adults, all consenting. I’ve had “slut”, “easy”, “disgusting mother”.

In this case the husband wanted to leave but had no idea how, the so called "exit affair"

Erm....he could have just packed his bags, found a flat, had an appointment with a solicitor and started a divorce. There was no need for any kind of affair, exit or not. You are making excuses and you are slagging off the behaviour of people who’s lives have been turned upside down by 2 people who are equally to blame for the situation they all find themselves in. You should try it and see how you like it.

CanILeavenowplease so could have she (the sister) but the reaction surrounding both cases both by the ex spouses and society was extremely different. That's what I'm pointing out.

Society is sexist? What, when did that happen?

Society places status on men. So even when they behave despicably, they're still the prize. Women have lower status and can be tossed aside like objects.

I think its because Men primarily were in charge of media and communication ( and still are ) and were able to spread this message. If women were in charge the same gender discrimination but in reversal would occur.
You only have to look at some of the responses that occur on this site for proof of that.

I think it's a very good point OP.

I think it has a lot to do with the Madonna/Whore complex, which women often impose on themselves.

There are two types of women: hard working, moral, beyond reproach... and slags.

If a woman cheats on a man, people automatically assume he might have been neglectful, controlling or even abusive and driven her to it because otherwise there is no way she would ever consider succumbing to it, and people are more sympathetic as a result.

If a woman is the "OW", it's automatically assumed she's just a slag and deliberately seduced him, it's rarely considered that she might have been lied to and actually be a good woman, and it's almost never considered that he might have been the seducer.

Meanwhile, men are just seen as simpler creatures that can't really help themselves either way. If a man cheats on his wife it's rarely considered that SHE might have been neglectful, controlling or abusive, because all wives are the "Madonna" so are faultless. It must have been the Whore seducing him. At the same time, if he is the OM, then this is not a problem because the faultless wife has already deemed him more worthy then her neglectful/controlling ex, and her judgment is wise.

It absolves everyone of blame apart from the OW. Men will always feel justified in cheating because they supposedly can't help themselves if a woman seduces them. Meanwhile, whilst I don't condone overlapping relationships in any way, if a woman is left for another woman, it will always just be because the other woman is a slag and seductress, so there's absolutely no need to consider how their own behaviour or compatibility might have contributed to the breakdown in their relationship.

Yep, this is true. If a woman has an affair, she is vilified but if a man has an affair the OW is vilified. Men always seem to get away Scot free whichever role they play.

I think that sums it up pretty well AE18

Maybe part of it is that women (as a class) are used to men (as a class) behaving like shit, but we are disappointed when other women also shit on us?
I don't know - I always think the cheater is responsible for cheating. If it wasn't with that particular woman it would likely be with another one. She is not important. Although I do judge her as a skank because knowingly colluding to hurt other people (including children) is a skanky thing to do. I also think that about men who sleep with married women. It's morally bankrupt.
I think occasionally there are women who deliberately set out to sleep with married men, but ultimately it is always the cheater's choice.

It probably is the case that women get judged more harshly than men, but of all the injustices facing women in the world, I'm not going to lose sleep for worrying about the OW's reputation!

He has now married the OW and are expecting their first baby together

When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy.

Exit affairs are common. When you don't give a damn about your spouse finding out, but are too gutless to end the marriage.

I don't think it's just women who hold other women to higher standards...men do to. Having heard BHs speak with utter contempt about their cheating wives, they equally expect better.

I often hear the other side (from OWs) and a great deal of them place all the blame on the MM. He's manipulative, he lied, he promised he was leaving, he future faked me, he won't let me leave him, he groomed me.

It's all a lot of excuses to absolve themselves of their part in the affair.

I constantly hear how he pursued he told she was worn down.

Lifecraft that saying is a symptom of the same attitude. The same can be said about the man, but we never use with the genders in reverse.

I agree particularly with MorrisZapp, JacquesHammer, SandyY2K and AE18. It's sickening that women are held in such low and disparate regard.

Lifecraft, that is such a lazy and ridiculous post. Coined by that great womaniser 'philosopher' Goldsmith. Posters keep posting it and they keep sounding very silly. It is a fallacy and actually, when posters like you post it to cheated-on women, they do them a tremendous disservice. Ditto the 'karma' spouters.