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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feeling a bit stupid for doing this, but still think it was the right thing to do.

63 replies

Movinghouseatlast · 29/07/2019 16:19

I have had a cleaner for my business for 3 years now. She needed to leave as was starting a much more lucrative cleaning job with more hours.

I was going to start doing the cleaning myself but there was a month between her wanting to stop and me being able to start. She said she would stay on, and also she desperately needed the extra money. So it was all good.

She then asked me if her mum could do the job instead of her. The mum has just left a terrible coersive controlling relationship where the guy had forced her into prostitution, she had just managed to leave and move away.

I said of course, and it just seemed assumed by both of them that the mum would carry on cleaning, not stop after a month. I was really aware that this was a fresh start for her, I wanted to help and I hate cleaning so decided to let her take the job on permanently, despite the fact I only really needed someone for a month.

After 2 cleans she phoned me saying she needed some money for a deposit on a flat, and could I pay her a month in advance. She said she had nowhere to live and I was worried she would go back to her old life, so I paid her.

2 weeks later she phoned in tears saying she had no money for food and could I advance her 2 weeks money. Again, I thought she might be tempted back if she was skint.

I think you can guess where this is going.

She has called in sick for the last two weeks. I also discovered that when she last cleaned she did around £100 worth of damage, which she knows about but hasn't apologised for.

I feel stupid, but she was so grateful for me giving her the job, and SO grateful when I gave her the money in advance. I trusted her daughter who used to clean for me implicitly. But I know I have been really gullible. I am £600 down which I just can't afford really.

My dad controlled my mum horribly, which I think is why I felt I needed to help her. She has had a terrible time and I'm sure she hasn't set out to fleece me. But the fact still remains that I have lost money! I feel really stupid.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 29/07/2019 16:22

So she’s had 6 weeks in advance pay and only worked 2?
What on earth did she damage?
I’d be calling her daughter, mum sounds an absolute chancer and do not have her back.

hellooox · 29/07/2019 16:56

Id chase her up to repay the money and also call the daughter: £600 is a lot of money! Well next time, don’t pay any advance even if it’s someone you got recommended.

Movinghouseatlast · 29/07/2019 17:18

The thing is I can't chase her as she has no money! I will ask her to give me the money but if she doesn't I'm stuffed.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 29/07/2019 17:20

Speak to her daughter and explain what’s happened, you don’t know she’s not got money, you could’ve been spun a story.

Nautiloid · 29/07/2019 17:22

Oh no that's awful!
Well you need to make clear to her that you can't have her back. I'd leave her daughter out of it unless she asks directly.
Do you have any paperwork re the wages?

Cheeserton · 29/07/2019 17:25

Very unreasonable to have advanced after only two weeks. Disaster written all over it I'm afraid.

Mitzimaybe · 29/07/2019 17:28

I think you have to write it off and move on, learning an expensive lesson in the process. If you can't afford to lose that money then you shouldn't have paid it.

SeeSomthingSaySomething · 29/07/2019 17:40

I’m so sorry you’ve been stung so badly by this.

You sound like such a good person.

I hope it wasn’t malicious but someone living a very chaotic life atm but she shouldn’t have asked you to start off with even so.

You could contact the daughter but I fear it’s a very expensive lesson learnt.

Hope not though.

SeeSomthingSaySomething · 29/07/2019 17:52

Oh, don’t feel stupid, you are kind, not stupid.

Unfortunately kindness is seen as weakness to certain people and they are very good at manipulation.

Really do hope that’s not the case here and it works out though.

Pinkout · 29/07/2019 17:56

You are not stupid, definitely a little naive but not stupid. Your kindness has sadly been abused, I don’t think you will see that money ever again. I would write it off and sack her off too.

VenusTiger · 29/07/2019 18:06

Bit odd that she didn’t ask her daughter for money, seeing as she’s started a new “lucrative cleaning job”.

Imo I think the flat deposit was a lie.

I would speak to the daughter.

Cornettoninja · 29/07/2019 18:06

You sound like you’ve been incredibly kind, it’s unfortunate that there are piss-takers in the world but there you go. Try not to let that overshadow the good you were trying to do.

If it’s any consolation she might just be a flaky mess and not meaning to have ripped you off but in any case you’ve gone above and beyond already. Put an end to it all now, write off the money (and all the headaches attached to it) and tell her you no longer need her services. You don’t owe any explanations so just repeat that if her or her daughter try to pressure you.

The MN warning of never give more than you can afford financially or emotionally is good real life advice too.

Goforitgirl · 29/07/2019 18:08

You need to just write this money off but I can see why you’re angry

HappyNOTdriving · 29/07/2019 18:13

You are not stupid and it's not your fault, you gave her a chance and extra when you thought she was at her lowest and for whatever reason (wether that be malicious or her just not having the capacity right now) she blew it.

You took a bet on her and it lost, I know that means you have lost out and it's unfair but if it had gone the other way it would have been a wonderful feeling knowing you were a part (even a small one) in changing the course of this persons life for the better.

Don't let that change your outlook because next time it might just work out.

Next time though just be a bit more careful in protecting yourself in the process.

BetterEatCheese · 29/07/2019 18:14

Such a lovely thing to do. She is the stupid one throwing such kindness away. I doubt you'll get your money back though

CellularBlanket · 29/07/2019 18:21

I would definitely speak to the daughter. She should know the circumstances and might be able to repay the money in installments, (although it is not her responsibility but it was her recommendation).

Movinghouseatlast · 29/07/2019 18:30

The daughter has no money either- the new cleaning job just pays twice what mine does, and is on the same day.

The mother has had a very chaotic life that has fucked up the daughter a bit too in the past.

Such lovely comments from some of you, thanks. It has cheered me up.

OP posts:
ilovemy30kids · 29/07/2019 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

pooopypants · 29/07/2019 18:36

^ harsh and uncalled for

You were taken for a mug but you're not stupid, you sound incredibly kind

NuttyOrNice · 29/07/2019 18:38

I wouldn’t try and get the money back but I’d try and get her to do some more cleaning for you to pay off the debt.

sonjadog · 29/07/2019 18:39

I'm afraid this is one that you will have to chalk up to experience.

makingmammaries · 29/07/2019 18:43

OP, never let the same person borrow from you a second time until the first is paid off. Just never. She could have asked her daughter for food.

makingmammaries · 29/07/2019 18:45

Now wait and see if she works off the debt. Not much point sacking her pre-emptively.

Sunshine93 · 29/07/2019 18:48

Comfort yourself that you have done everything you can to helo this womanstay free of this man. Maybe your money has really helped her and your conscience can be completely clear.

Could you speak to her about whats going to happen going forward. Perhaps she has genuinely been ill.

Bluntness100 · 29/07/2019 18:48

I also think you sound lovely but the reality is she now, in her head, has to clean for free. She will not get paid. So she'd rather not do it.

Sadly in these scenarios, unless it's someone you know very well, then you do need to say no, as they only turn up to do the job to get the money. If you have already given them the money then they have no incentive to turn up.

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