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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He back in contact. You were all correct.

78 replies

Fastcarfiend · 29/07/2019 11:50

I posted some weeks ago about a close male friend ghosting me out of the blue. Well he stopped texting me personally having ususally sent multiple texts most days. He still posts to a shared work group. I posted here as I was bewildered and hurt. I needed advice and perspective and got it from here . He has a girlfriend who found out about his level of messaging and probably told him to stop.
Recently he has started back in personal contact.justmemes, interesting posts that he knows I would like.You all said that this would happen.i can’t understand why he would bother . I do not know for certain that he stopped the personal contact because he was asked to or if my friendship was not needed anymore but I was damned hurt and am afraid that I will be reeled right back in again as we work together here and there so absolute no contact is virtually impossible.
What’s going on in his mind now in your opinion?

OP posts:

StarGOLD · 29/07/2019 12:18

Friendships shouldn’t be this stressful..I’d suggest you keep it to work contact only.. none of my male friends make inappropriate comments to me that that I have to pick them up in. I detect a weirdness that you could probably do without.

WorraLiberty · 29/07/2019 12:19

I think you need to stop calling him your 'friend' and tell it like it is.

He's your 'crush' and like a few PPs, I too think you enjoy the feeling he gave you.

Dangerous game to play and weird that your husband is ok with it, unless he truly believes that it's a normal friendship.

Original poster

Fastcarfiend · 29/07/2019 12:20

I am not remotely attracted to him physically or romantically. I am sad at how he treated me and how he feels he can still slide back into my life like nothing happened. I am angry too. Cheeky fucker

OP posts:

Jemima232 · 29/07/2019 12:21

I have a feeling that you may not have told your husband the truth.

Perhaps I'm wrong. But I am pretty sure that my own DH would be very unhappy about a situation like this.

M3lon · 29/07/2019 12:22

I get it OP, he hurt you and now you want to hurt him the same way.

BUT

you need to work out WHY you are feeling this way....and you need to think about whether lashing out at him will achieve a) anything at all, b) anything positive for you.

He won't necessarily be hurt by the same treatment and will you actually feel better for it?

So - be rational. What do you want to achieve? What state of affairs would be best for your long term happiness?

When you know the answer to that, you will know what to do.

TheInebriati · 29/07/2019 12:22

In time you will be able to see that he isn't a good friend; he is playing you, he tests your boundaries with inappropriate comments, he punishes you by dropping you without notice then expects to waltz back like nothing happened.

Don't waste any more head space on this user. Ignore anything not work related.

WorraLiberty · 29/07/2019 12:24

I am not remotely attracted to him physically or romantically. I am sad at how he treated me and how he feels he can still slide back into my life like nothing happened. I am angry too. Cheeky fucker

Bin him then if that's true.

But starting threads like an excited schoolgirl isn't going to gain you anything. It didn't last time and it won't this time either.

QualCheckBot · 29/07/2019 12:25

OP do you have too much time on your hands or something?

It is patently obvious that you are totally obsessed.

Why don't you get a new hobby and widen your circle of friendship?

I'd also say its likely that your "friend's" wife or partner is rightly objecting to the amount of messages between the pair of you.

Why on earth would you actually want to receive such a volume of tripe in your inbox?

QualCheckBot · 29/07/2019 12:25

And perhaps try CBT or something to help you get out of this obsession.

MatildaTheCat · 29/07/2019 12:26

Then why don’t you just ask him?

‘Hey Just a Friend, what’s going on? You stopped messaging me out of the blue and now you’re back again? Bit odd, can we discuss?’

FWIW I think very close male/female friendships that exist when either or both are in relationships are very tricky. You’ve already said he has form for being inappropriate. He’s playing you. But you have been told this already.

Original poster

Fastcarfiend · 29/07/2019 12:29

Thanks for the replies . You are correct, it has all been said before .I’ve told the truth but it seems that many of you think I’m lying ,in denial or deluded.
To post a thread about anything that bothers us can be a great deal to some, it is for me. I feel quite attacked today . Like I am not believed orI am a troll . I do not have the time or interest to post a thread full of lies or untruths , when I was looking for straightforward advice . Maybe it because it is a male friend or maybe it because mn seems full of threads where inappropriate relationships have occurred between opposite sex friendships. This was a lovely friendship of ten years that seems to have gone up in smoke . Thanks everyone. I will
Leave it at that now. Have a lovely day.

OP posts:

Ginger1982 · 29/07/2019 12:31

You LOVE all this drama and you know you do. There's nothing any of us can say that is any different from before. You obviously wanted him to pick you over his girlfriend. You seriously need to grow up.

WorraLiberty · 29/07/2019 12:32

This was a lovely friendship of ten years that seems to have gone up in smoke

So you'll be able to ask him why that was, rather than asking strangers on Mumsnet

alittlerayofsunshine · 29/07/2019 12:33

@Fastcarfiend

FGS just block him. He's a tit. And you're daft as a brush for enabling him.

AntonsMumsTeeth · 29/07/2019 12:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnyFucker · 29/07/2019 12:39

Haven't heard daft as a brush for years

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 29/07/2019 12:41

Sounds like an awesome “friend”

Fairenuff · 29/07/2019 12:49

It was a shock to be treated like this and I don’t know how to handle it.

You ignore him. Much the same way as you are ignoring posters telling you to ignore him.

HTH

TanMateix · 29/07/2019 12:51

Good grief! I have plenty of male close friends and wouldn’t Give it a second thought if they stopped regular contact for a while.

You mention he can be inappropriate but there are no romantic interests, you don’t seem to mind the inappropriateness much, otherwise you would not be upset about his limited contact.

You may not be interested in him romantically but are you a bit concerned you are loosing control over him? Is that what is upsetting you? Him putting other people before you?

Drogosnextwife · 29/07/2019 12:56

Strange, I have read so many threads where a woman is uncomfortable with her dh having a very close female friend that they do a hobby with, text regularly, go for Dinners with and the woman is told to get over it he's allowed to have friends no matter what sex they are and that she's a paranoid control freak.
A woman is upset that a good male friend completely ghosted her, and she's told that she was over invested in the friendship and she obviously had romantic feels for him .
I don't have any close male friends, but if one of my female friends ghosted me for months then tried to get back in contact, I wouldn't be happy and I would probably be quite hurt.

TheCatThatDanced · 29/07/2019 12:58

The only other person I can think of who was in a similar situation (but not his boss) was a woman I used to work with years ago (very attractive but god she knew it!), who'd separated from her DH, had had an affair with someone at work (who left) and then a new male colleague started and made comments/sent emails on when she came into the office with noticeably damp hair. We all told her to ignore the emails and if necessary report to Office Manager (didn't have HR dept). She kept on openly (in an open plan office) and loudly saying what a perv the new guy was etc - but wouldn't tell him to stop... obvious to most our colleagues she loved the drama.

Eventually she moved on...

She sounds exactly like you - loving the drama. Get a life.

EileenAlanna · 29/07/2019 12:58

Is your husband aware of the inappropriate texts this guy sends you? If you've shown them to him how has he reacted, and if you haven't shown/told him why was that?
Friends don't do that, they text about normal everyday stuff. People who are looking for more, a sexual based relationship do that. If a male friend texted inappropriately I'd tell them I'm not interested & cool it right down & doing it more than once would be the end of it.

VenusTiger · 29/07/2019 12:59

Just treat him the same as he treated you. Isn’t that what we’re taught to do as kids, to either ignore and walk away or tit for tat.

If he was a she, you’d be cat fighting with her and blocking her. Tell him you’re not a puppet and that he’s made his bed by blocking you and that you’re going o block him. End of. Move on.

Friends don’t mistreat friends in this way.

TheCatThatDanced · 29/07/2019 12:59

ah - the only dissimilar point here is they weren't best friends... which in my opinion with male/female colleagues at work can have a tendency to have blurred lines - unless parties involved keep an eye on it.

YouJustDoYou · 29/07/2019 13:02

He's doing it for the ego boost. Someone other than gf "likes talking to him", ergo, he's "wanted", "desireable" (he's not, but that's how they see it).

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