To be too fat to do fun things

[Ribrabrob]

I'm ashamed to say that I've got very fat. I used to be slim but after a few years of secret binge eating, it's caught up with me. My thighs are huge, my bum massive and my stomach as well (not self pittying, merely just the truth!). Sadly it's stopped me enjoying life and making me anxious.

I'm in a fairly new relationship with somebody who I like but is very active and slim. He suggests fun things such as a theme park, visiting Paris for a short weekend, going to the zoo and I keep making excuses because I'm just too fat and lazy to walk around and I can't relax thinking how I must look to other people. It's also making me avoid intimacy.

I'm ashamed of how I've become and I feel embarrassed that I can't be like a normal person - I'm in my twenties so I shouldn't be embarrassed to go to a theme park incase my bum is too big for the seat.

Despite all this I still don't have the motivation to lose weight, I don't know what to do.

I'm ridiculous, aren't I? Please, talk some sense into me!

@HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend

Tbh honest everyone I wouldn’t be giving the OP any advise, she clearly has/had an eating disorder.

How'd you figure that exactly?

Think it was when she said she had been secretly binge eating...?

Ah right. So on the basis of one expression used in the OP, a poster has made a full diagnosis and decided what reaction everyone should have.

Thanks for all the advice.

I'm about a size 16-18 but I carry it well if you see what I mean. It doesn't help that I am grossly unfit. Think not being able to walk a flight of stairs without dripping in sweat. In fact I'm constantly sweaty because I'm so unfit (I sound disgusting).

I know I need to get the nine eating under control. And I really really want to lose weight, I just need to do it.

I would deal with the unfitness first. Start going for a walk every day. I notice my energy levels really rise when I am taking regular exercise.

Ribrabrob you know don't you that at a size 16-18 the only thing you're too fat to do is wear children's/ size 14 and under clothes...

You're not too far to do a single one of the things you list.

If you could just let yourself say yes to everything you might enjoy, you'd automatically be more active and become fitter and happier, if not necessarily slimmer.

All you need to do is start saying yes (only to pleasant things obviously)!

Easier said than done I know, but true

Does it help to know the average woman is a size 16 in the UK? I am now a size 16 after unsuccessfully losing weight after my 2nd child. Apart from not fitting in as many children's playground slides etc, there is not much difference from being a 12.

If your fitness is holding you back then start with low impact stuff like walking, step ups on the bottom step and you will soon be feeling fitter.

Start small. Make one small change that is easy to stick to and won't make you feel deprived. Keep everything else the same to begin with, just to show yourself that it can be done. For example, if you routinely have a chocolate bar with your afternoon cuppa, ditch it and have an apple instead. If you normally drive to the local shops, start walking it. Think of it as a leisurely stroll in the fresh air and not some kind of punishment. Seriously, just one small change can make a big difference to your confidence and sense of well-being, and it'll make you want to make more changes.
I did it by going for a leisurely swim once a week. I hated the idea of being seen in a swimsuit, but bit the bullet and quickly realised that a) absolutely nobody cares what I look like and b) nearly everybody else in the pool is overweight too. After I'd been about three times I found my aches and pains easing, my joints moved more freely and I had more energy. It gave me some motivation to make another change so I reduced my alcohol intake. That almost instantly improved my sleep quality. Now I'm doing my best to leave the cakes and biscuits alone in the staff room at work. If I'm hungry I make myself walk to the shop at the other end of the site for a granola bar.
Just with those changes, I've lost nearly half a stone and feel way better.
You don't have to be a sporty person or a gym-goer to improve fitness and drop a few pounds. A stroll around a zoo might be an excellent start if you give yourself the chance.

I'm a size 18/20. This morning I went trampolining, this afternoon I went cycling - both times with our son. I cannot let my size stop us having fun, I don't want our son turning into a hermit. So I go, and fuck anybody who thinks I'm too big!

OP if you’re a 16 - 18 and carry it well I doubt anyone will be looking at you and judging!

Gosh, I thought you must be obese, but 16 - 18 is fine.

My sister used to be terribly overweight but, among other things, nowadays she always uses the stairs, never the escalator.

Overeaters Anonymous could be helpful with your tendency to binge eat. A friend of mine used to go and found that some foods are triggering for her.

If you’re a size 16-18, nobody will be looking at you. There are far fatter people out and about- I am one of them and nobody bats an eyelid. I go to zoos, theme parks, I’ve been to Paris. Your size is not a barrier to any of that.

Of course if you want to lose weight, then find steps to do that (I’m clearly not in a position to advise how!!)

But don’t let life pass you by. Even as you lose weight, get out there and do the fun things you want. Don’t think “I’ll do it when I’m slimmer”. Do it now!

I promise nobody is looking at you. If necessary, go to places with lots of benches, cafes, places you can rest often. The more you do it, the easier it will become, I promise!

Oh OP :( you’re far too young to be having your life limited like this by your weight. 16-18 is overweight as you know (unless you’re a rugby player or bodybuilder which I suspect not!) and if you don’t do something about it soon the weight will continue to pile on.

What is getting in the way of losing weight? Not knowing how? Not wanting to yet? Believing you have to undertake gruelling exercise? Maybe if you can tell us we can help. I’m surprised the things you mentioned in your OP aren’t motivating you so I wonder what it is.

It’s a cliche but I do actually think there’s some truth in ‘nothing tastes as good as thin feels’, when you’re significantly overweight anyway. Now I’m a low BMI I enjoy plenty of high calorie foods and they’re delicious, but when I was borderline overweight nothing I could have eaten would have been more enjoyable than how it feels to be slim and happy and confident in myself and able to wear what I like without worrying about muffin top etc. I used MyFitnessPal at 1200 calories per day and lost 24lb in four months. It’s so doable, you just need to want it badly enough that you remain focused on that goal each day rather than getting overwhelmed about the bigger picture. I tried to remind myself I was just aiming to keep my calories for the day under 1300, 1400 max if I was going out for a meal, and that the weight would take care of itself. Which it did.

@crosser62 I think we would be great friends. Brilliant post!

Blimey OP you will be fine. I wish I was a 16. I'm determined to get there.

I don't get how being a size 18 would stop you going to a theme park/zoo/Paris.

Much larger people do those things.

Op I think you will find the more you start living your life, the happier you will be and the weight will (probably) start to come off naturally.

I am overweight when I’m at home with the kids, because I spend stretches of time not doing much and I get bored and eat, and I also become fixated on food and think about the next meal constantly. When I’m working or just busier I find the weight falls off and I tend to eat more because I’m hungry rather than because I’m bored or I just fancy something.

Life is not a dress rehearsal though. Do all the things.

^This.

I do actually think there’s some truth in ‘nothing tastes as good as thin feels

Didn't take long for the first pro-anorexic posts!

I'm a size 18/20 op and I've just got back from a wonderful holiday with my dp and dc where I was a supermodel for a whole week!

I literally dressed like I was one. Not in a way that showed my bare belly off etc but I wore swimsuits, tankinis,tiny shorts, dresses and felt a million dollars.

Back home I just about show a bit of ankle. It's making the best of what you have. I have good boobs and nice eyes. I accentuate those things which in my head will distract away from by big bum/belly.

Nothing would ever stop me having fun. I'm actually starting a diet because I have fibromyalgia and the pain I'm feeling will be massively reduced by losing weight. However, I've always been big and always been happy and never short of male or female attention

You can do this! The new man obviously fancies the pants off you. Show him what you've got.

Sounds to me like you have a fitness problem, not a weight problem. You aren’t too big to go to Paris/the zoo/theme parks but you feel you don’t have the fitness levels for them. Reframe it and work on that- go for a walk every day, start swimming, or doing an excessive video in your living room. Focus on something small and simple that you can do something about.

For the record I am the same size as you. Medication and a love of good food are not a good combo for me! But I excercise everyday to keep myself fit (even if it’s judt walking the dog!) This year I have been to Disneyland Paris, portaventra (and fit comfortably in the rides at both). We have a season pass to our local zoo, and have enjoyed several weekend breaks. Please don’t let your weight hold you back- life is for living!

AIBU is not the place to ask for advice on this.

TrailGrazer bit of a jump there! I’m well aware the pro-ana groups use that saying, as well as many others, but I’ve certainly heard it in many other places from people who aren’t anorexic (I’m not either for the record). I’m sharing my experience that even the nicest dessert didn’t make up for feeling uncomfortable in my skin and self conscious day in day out.

Ok OP the very next thing he suggests you say yes ok lets do it. MN is great for helping you with the practicalities and to ease your anxieties, you can run through all your worries here.

If it is a zoo, there are plenty of benches that you can sit on, (ditto Paris) he is not asking you to run a marathon.

Don't worry about the weight (you're actually not that bad) and as you get more confident the motivation will come, but do try to do something about your activity levels. I'm more or less the same size as you I'm an 18 but I am active, I swim (45 min mile) I walk a lot as I have an 18 month old border collie) I even run from time to time and I've just started scuba which is awesome.

As pp have said, don't worry about other people, they really don't care what you look like, they're far to worried about their own insecurities.

I also will echo other people, start by going for a walk. Start off by just 10 minutes a day for the first week , then 15 minutes etc etc. You will find your energy levels increasing dramatically and actually quite quickly.

It can be a good idea to have some goals that for you would make a difference and help you be confidant. Start small. Walk around/ be on feet for two hours ( shopping centre, park etc) then the zoo is possible. 2 flights of stairs without feeling desperately out of breath, walk 1 mile then 2 then Paris is possible. Work out what you need for the activity you want to do.