To tell DH me and the DC are moving and it's his choice whether he comes?

[VizzyWoo]

We live in a tiny village of around 15 houses, basically a small estate in the middle of a field surrounded by farms. The village has no services, not even a shop. We've lived here since the DC's (now 15 and 12) were a toddler and newborn. The nearest shop is in another larger village 2.4 miles away, which may not seem like far but it's a lot when you don't drive (I suffer chronic pain that makes it difficult to drive). There are times when DH has been at work and I've had to walk an hour there and back into the larger village to get some milk. So 2 hours for a pint of milk. There is technically a bus that goes to the larger village one way and the nearest town the other way, but it's every other hour (and only turns up 50% of the time so more like every few hours) and stops at 4pm.

The DC's go to school in a town 5.4 miles away and it was a nightmare to get them in, we weren't in the catchment area and they didn't believe that they were the closest school. All of the admissions folk hadn't heard of our village. Eventually we got them in. Naturally both kids wanted independence when starting secondary school. We tried to let them both use the bus service in Year 7 but on the several times they tried the bus never turned up. So DH drives them on the way to work which they hate. Because the bus back to the village stops at 4pm (and never turns up in between them finishing school and 4) they have to wait around outside school until 6 each night for DH to get off work and pick them up.

DD starts college next year and it is 7 miles away. Bus again is completely out of the question. I have no idea how we are going to manage it as it's off DH's work route and DS's school route. We've actually had her in tears because she feels her social life is being damaged living here. If it's Saturday evening and all her friends are meeting up in town, she can never attend as DH CBA taking her. Her friends all go to the gym together and she can't go, DH won't take her. Friends eventually stopped asking her. DS is only 12 but he's starting to want to go out but can't. It's also my social life, I can't go to meet friends for a coffee etc and I am very lonely.

I have wanted to move for years, but DH always says no. His reasoning is that it's quiet and safe here, there is no crime. And that being here keeps the DC out of trouble. He also calls it his "Lovely quiet retirement home" (he's late 50s, is retiring in a few years). DD massively resents him for this. We have had many an argument about it. Personally, I think he is selfish. He has his car and can piss off whenever he likes, and he does. He gets to go into a city for work and is always down the pub in the larger village etc. While me and the DC are literally prisoner at home going out of our minds. He says I'm stupid for wanting to move into the nearby town, and that I'll be giving up our "lovely safe home". I think it's ridiculous. The vast majority of people in the UK live in towns/cities/suburbia nowadays and get on fine!

Me and the kids are becoming very lonely and depressed and he doesn't care or doesn't realize. I'm tempted to join a house swapper site (social housing) without his permission, and if we get someone interested then I will pursue it and he can either come with us or piss off. His choice, but either way me and the DC GO. I think I have a good chance of getting a swap, I'm sure the village is desirable to some. I know me and the kids need to leave this village, it's suffocating us. DD has literally been breaking her heart about it, 15 and going stir crazy. It's awful. I feel like we're being kept on DH's bloody compound.

I love DH but the kids come first. I feel they aren't going to thrive here and are lonely, isolated and depressed. As am I. I feel I need to take control here.

PS - if you do leave him make sure to sort out your finances first.

Well, right now your life is hell because you're so isolated. But if DH comes with you your life will still be hell because you 'forced him' out of his 'lovely retirement home' and he will never let you forget it. You can't win for losing in either of those scenarios.

The only 'win' for you is to take the DC and just go. Move in with family and take it from there. And I'd go now because (I think) school is out. Easier for the DC to move and settle when they don't have to go to school every day as well.

If you decide to stick it out, as far as DD starting secondary, is there any way she'd be able to 'board' with a local family during the week? Drop off at school Monday AM, return home Friday PM? I'm in the US so I have no idea if that's feasible or if she would be comfortable with that.

As far as you learning to drive, it's entirely your decision and must be based on safety for yourself and others on the road. BUT even if you did do with the thought that you could manage a short drive every so often, would your DH buy you a car to use? No point in driving if you haven't got a car.

Where I live in the US having a driver's license is absolutely necessary (in the country, NO public transport). In fact most people in the US get their licenses as a matter of course at 16 no matter where they live (yes, there are exeptions). Both my sons got their licenses at 16 and started driving themselves around and DS1 dropped his little brother off at school every day on his way to high school. If you don't leave, is there any chance that your DD would be able to get hers then? Maybe start saving now for lessons? Of course, you're back to getting a second car then.

I can only imagine how isolated you (and DC) feel. I was unable to drive for a little over 3 months due to a shattered ankle and I felt so isolated and I guess a good word is 'suffocated'. And I had a DH who was happy to drive me around and take me out for rides when I got 'cabin fever'. It was just the idea that I was trapped on our property, as it were, and couldn't just go if I wanted to. This feeling is so bad for one's mental health. You really need to do something.

Glad you stood up to the arsewipe. I'm sure your DD is thankful for that too. You faced down the controlling bully.

If he starts to whinge when he gets back then just tell him that you aren't interested in hearing his selfish bullshit anymore.

Then, get cracking on organising a move for you and the children. Your original plan was good and may still have currency if your family are willing to help. Talk to them.

@Nanny0gg I did read the post. I worked with many disabled people who drove modified cars. I'm pretty sure she could drive an automatic!!!

OP, it may be worth talking to the council about the situation, see what they say about moving possibiities and whether they'll move you and the DC.

I think you are in an abusive relationship, he's controlling you all with the transport issues and doesn't give a flying fuck that you are all unhappy and isolated. His response to threaten custody to make you back down previously shows this.

It sounds as though there is no togetherness between you and your husband,and you have already called him a twat here,so it sounds as though you really ought to be separate.Your children are getting annoyed,angry even,with their Dad, so resentment all over the place.

I hope you will manage to get away somewhere else with your children, and not have a massive upset in your family to deal with.

@Beautiful3 OP has severe vertigo. You can't modify a car for that, and in any case it's a condition that has to be notified to DVLA.

Yanbu. Move somewhere more urban. Towns and cities really aren't that dangerous. Teens have far more activities available to them in towns.

@VizzyWoo I am disabled with chronic pain among other issues and my first thought was that walking for an hour would surely bring on chronic pain more than driving for 10 minutes. Then you mentioned your vertigo being brought on by driving which makes much more sense.

I do wonder though if your vertigo/dizziness when driving could be partly caused by anxiety? It would be perfectly understandable as it sounds as if you’ve been living in a controlling and unbelievably frustrating environment, controlled by your husband. Have you ever had any counselling? Is your vertigo being investigated? If not, why? If it’s permanent, can you get ESA or PIP to help with transport costs?

In the short term, does Tesco not deliver to you? They’re the only supermarket I’ve found who will deliver to very rural areas so that you don’t run out of essentials. I know that’s only a small part of your issues but I’m a firm believer in making small changes to make your life easier. With each step, you can feel a little stronger to start making the big changes.

YANBU at all. Your husband is really out of order - bad enough if he was around all the time too, or if you could drive easily, but to fuck off to socialise and work whenever he feels like it, leaving his lonely wife and kids going stir crazy, is so selfish. He should be thinking of their happiness, like you are - I’d say that was what being a parent is all about, making decisions for the good of the family, not just yourself.

DH and I made the decision when we were buying to get a house on the outskirts of a small market town instead of in the lovely little village where we’d been renting, mainly for DS’s convenience when he’s older. We now live 10 minutes walk from the local secondary school, 6 minutes from the local leisure centre, 5 minutes from a shop, with the town centre 20 minutes walk away, where there’s several pubs and restaurants, plus a couple of small supermarkets also within walking distance. We’re just off the main bus route to the three major towns in the area too. Annoyingly we’re a bit further from the one big primary school than I’d like - it’s half an hour’s dawdle with DS, and I do feel a bit jealous of friends with a lovely village primary down the street, but when DS is older, he’ll thank us, we hope - lots of places for weekend jobs, he’ll be able to socialise with friends and go to the gym, and easily catch a bus to one of the bigger towns for shopping. We’d like to retire to a tiny idyllic village but it’ll have to wait until DS goes to university.

Have you thought about renting your place out for a year or so and renting a place somewhere more suitable to see what you think before committing to selling or a permanent swap? You could even do that long term if your hubby wants to consider retiring there?

He sounds awful op. At least if you got divorced you'd eventually have finances for your own place somewhere, however small.

I'd have left a long time ago. It's not about the car (or the fucking bike or what other bollocks people who don't RTFT spewed out), it's about a selfish twat of a man.

@Beautiful3 I did read the post. I worked with many disabled people who drove modified cars. I'm pretty sure she could drive an automatic!!!

And what is it about an automatic is it that you think will make it drivable for someone with vertigo?

Honestly this attitude of “learn to drive” when someone has said that they can’t is ridiculous. If someone doesn’t feel safe to drive then that should be accepted. There are enough people driving who shouldn’t be without pressuring folks who know their conditions and know it wouldn’t be safe.

It is all about his quiet retirement home. I have practically screamed at him "THE KIDS ARE TEENAGERS, THEY DON'T WANT TO BLOODY RETIRE". before. Doesn't listen though.

He seems to think that the resf of the UK outside of the village is a bloody ghetto and me and the DC's will get mugged everyday. And he uses this to act like he's a big "protector" for keeping us safe on his compound while he goes out to work and provides for us all.

This sounds awful! Poor you and DC. He isn't considering any of you is he? Don't bother putting your home on Homeswapper. It's highly likely he'll still say no which will just delay things and cause more upset.

Talk to him. I'm sure you have talked about this plenty but make this the last conversation you have with him on this subject. Tell him it's affecting you all, you can't do it anymore. You'd love for you all to be able to move etc. If it's still a no then your answer isn't that you can't move. Your answer is that he's not joining you. And then you make your steps to a better lifestyle for you and DC. And you never know, once he sees how serious you are he might change his mind - he probably thinks you won't go ahead with it. Prove him wrong OP!

@Beautiful3 the OP has said she has vertigo. I had vertigo temporarily. Every time I turned my head - as you do to check your mirrors - my head spun. Dizzy in charge of a ton of metal travelling at speed? Not a good idea. I currently drive an automatic. It would have made sod all difference to how safe I would have been to drive.

^Hasn't said that but that's how it feels. He goes out and "provides" and we all stay at home. It's like living in the 1800s.

It’s all about control and keeping you were he can have total control over what you do and do not do
He won’t change and as you say custody is not an issue anymore

If moving in with your family is still an option, I'd be packing a few bags for the three of us to stay with them for the summer at least.

@VizzyWoo Does he have any good qualities at all?

You really are at a crossroads. If you stay the atmosphere will continue to get worse, your kids more resentful and they will move out at the first chance. If you leave you’ll be leaving him behind

The question really is - who would you rather live with, him or them?

Your DD’s relationship with him already sounds wrecked, her relationship with you will also get more strained as she gets more stressed with the situation. Once she moves out she’s hardly going to be excited about the prospect of visiting regularly with him there.

IAskTooManyQuestions AndIDon'tListenToTheAnswers.

OP, the more you post, the more I see an abusive, controlling dick, not a husband who cares about what you or your DC think or feel. You and your DC will feel better to move away into town.

God this is bringing back loads of horrible memories from my teenage years. As pp's have said if you do love with him it will be awful because heel blame you for making him leave his perfect home.

Another thing to think about with 'country life', is that it's highly probable that your DC will grow up and move to a city/larger town. DS1 did as and I'm sure DS2 will as soon as he is financially able to. Luckily for us that means about 35-40 miles away and in "California freeway distance" that's practically in our backyard. But it's a lot further if you're driving 2-lane country roads. We only have to drive about 5 miles of that then it's freeway.

You don't/can't drive. Your DH is a jerk who won't drive anywhere if he doesn't want to. How often do you think you'll be seeing your children and grandchildren?