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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The In laws !!!

75 replies

mamatoizzybee · 28/07/2019 13:36

Need some outside thoughts and I'm driving myself crazing wondering img I'm over reacting to this.

In a nutshell, me and my husband and our 5 month old daughter have agreed to go on holiday with his parents. This was arranged when our daughter was only a couple of months old we thought it would be great!

I have always got on well with my in laws , they are a little overbearing but it's quite endearing and we try to just laugh it off or ignore. I'm not the sort to be easily offended , and we've never had cause for an argument. We are a happy family and get on well

However, now we have our daughter, things have changed and my mum brain is in full force! Ignoring overbearingness with us is one thing , but not now we have our daughter and our own little family .

They have bought a car seat , a cot , a changing bag , muslins , etc and I get the impression they seem to think they will be looking after our baby at some point (though they have never said this out right )

My father in law said he was going to bring their car seat on holiday with us so that they can take my daughter out for the day. I said no to this as Im not ready to leave her yet and I'm breastfeeding and that we would really need the extra space in their car for all the baby stuff we will need to take. There's no point duplicating on a car seat that we won't need!.

His response has really irked me. He said with raised eye brows "well you're going to have to get used to being without her one day"

What do people think to this ? I am not an angry person but this has made me so mad. I am well aware there will be nursery and school in the future but my daughter is 5 months , and will still only be 6 months when we go away. Should I actually have to get used to leaving her for a whole day at this small age? I am not planning on returning to work as we are in a fortunate position where I can stay at home with my baby .

I have been mulling this over all night and me and my husband will be going over to theirs later to have a calm conversation about it to air our thoughts and also expectations of this holiday as we don't want to get there and be bossed about . I also don't want to fall out over something so stupid !

Am I being unreasonable ? Why would he have said that to me ?

OP posts:
PanamaPattie · 28/07/2019 13:42

I would seriously think about cancelling the holiday. They are already assuming they will be looking after DD. Unless you clear the air now and set out firm boundaries, you will probably fall out on holiday and everyone will be miserable.

TimmyTummy · 28/07/2019 13:45

You need to just say outright, "Don't talk to us about taking dd away from us please. It makes us anxious. We will approach you when we'd like to ask you to have dd. This may be weeks from now or even a year or two. If you ask us about it again we will have to reduce the amount of time we spend together as it's not a pleasant atmosphere."

Get it out in the open I'm one big statement instead of having to dodge it or delay them each time you meet. It'll make you a nervous wreck. They were very presumptuous in buying baby stuff for their own house and that time might have been better to have the above chat. If they can't promise to stop going on about it, tell them a holiday is out of the question together as you don't want it hanging over you.

NoKnit · 28/07/2019 13:49

Be nice and say you are simply not ready for it. Nothing more, don't make a big deal of it otherwise they'll understand as you never wanting them to look after her, wherw in all honesty your mind might fully change in a years time when you have a mobile but minimum sense toddler on your hands and need a breather

Hidingwhoiam · 28/07/2019 13:50

Apart from they wanting to take the child out for the day, I think you are over reacting.

You are essentially annoyed that they have bought stuff and expect to babysit at some point.

They obviously thought part of them coming on holiday with you was to look after the child and give you and your dh some alone time.

I get the response he gave you, pissed you off and when your baby is 5 months you cant imagine being without her. But technically he is right. One day you will have to get used to being without her. All you needed to respond was 'yes, I know, but it's not going to anytime soon as she needs me for food and hydration.'

brassbrass · 28/07/2019 13:58

Even if you were ok with them taking her out they still don't need to duplicate on the car seat as they could just use yours. She can only occupy one seat at a time FFS.

The chat to set expectations is a really good idea. Say you wont be bullied into anything you're not ready for considering your daughter and the more they push the more likely you are to withdraw. Do they want that as an outcome?

So tell them to respect your pace and ways of doing things as that will be the default for anything concerning your daughter no matter what the age.

frazzledasarock · 28/07/2019 14:04

I’d go and have a discussion. Try not to be angry, set out your expectations. Tell them ‘one day’ is fine, but it’s not going to be during this holiday.

I’ve got a six month old and she’s with me all the time, she’s ebf and anyone attempting to take her away from me for a day would soon regret it.

fedup21 · 28/07/2019 14:10

I don’t think this is worth having a serious conversation about based on what you e just said.

I’d just treat it all with humour-ha ha, yes -one day, but I’m still the milk bar for a good while yet! Luckily I’m rather fond of her so I don’t mind too much, etc!’

user1493413286 · 28/07/2019 14:12

I know how you feel: my mil used to talk about looking after my DD; even suggested they could take her away on holiday for a week before she was 1. Having said all that now my DD is a toddler I’m very grateful that I have a mil who is very happy to look after DD when needed including just to give me a rest sometimes.
I would explain to them that you appreciate that they’re excited but they need to give it time and not rush you. It’s coming from a good place (unless there’s things you haven’t said) and it will be nice on holiday to have an extra pair of hands just on your terms.

newnamewhosthis · 28/07/2019 14:27

I'm going to go totally against the grain here and say I think YABU

your basically unhappy that your daughters grand parents want to babysit and don't want you to have to worry about supplying everything when they do.

Slightly overzealous maybe buying car seats etc but if I'm the whole they are nice people and generally respectful I would consider letting them babysit it might be nice for you and your partner to have some time together even if it's just for a few hours.

A chat to set boundaries might be an idea but I wouldn't go in all guns blazing.

Dippypippy1980 · 28/07/2019 15:06

Ok - I fully understand feeling fiercely protective and not wanting in laws to take over. I have been there. I remember when I couldn’t breastfeed and being really upset about etc etc, coming downstairs after a weepy nap and seeing my mil bottlefeeding my one week old daughter. I could honestly have ripped her smug face off😊😊.

But, your in laws simply want to babysit - which at some point I assume they will. Calmly explain that you aren’t quite ready for that yet, and ask them to go at your speed. Don’t blow it out of proportion just yet.

KatherineJaneway · 28/07/2019 15:11

Why not look at it from a different angle. They will give you and your dh some alone time. In another thread someone was complaining about no family help on holiday, you have it on tap. Take advantage and get some alone time with your dh while your baby is well looked after.

NoSauce · 28/07/2019 15:11

A couple of hours here and there while you go out with DH might be quite nice OP?
They sound very enthusiastic which is a good thing where grandparents are concerned, better than the flaky ones or even worse the ones who don’t care at all.

Don’t turn this into a battle. If you really don’t want them to have her for a short time then just explain that but dangle a carrot and say that when you feel like you can leave her they’ll be the first to ask.

She’s your baby obviously but I think making them feel involved and that they matter ( as long as they’re not the deranged type ) will only go to strengthen your relationship. It’s new to you all so it’s a case of getting used to your new roles, with patience and respect on both sides it can be done.

Take what is said on MN with a pinch of salt as a lot of posters would have you going NC, which is definitely not the right thing to do!

raspberryk · 28/07/2019 15:14

My in laws tried all that but they simply didn't understand the needs of an ebf baby.
I would explain that to start with, and tell them while a day or even 3 hours away would not be possible, you could try a drink one afternoon or evening with your dh or a late meal once the baby has gone to sleep. You never know you might enjoy it. It could even just be an hour's walk right after a feed.

wheelywheelynice · 28/07/2019 15:21

You're being ridiculous. It's perfectly reasonable for grandparents who are capable of babysitting to do so.

Shoxfordian · 28/07/2019 15:23

Yeah you're overreacting
Why not let them take the baby for a day or an evening and have some time with your dh? Sounds nice of them

ILoveYou3000 · 28/07/2019 15:33

Those saying why doesn't the OP just let the in-laws take the baby for an evening/afternoon or whatever, the answer is quite simple, in fact it's already been answered in her opening post. Because she doesn't want to. Everyone is ready at different times to leave their child, OP isn't yet and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. She isn't being ridiculous in any way.

SweetAsSpice · 28/07/2019 15:38

What Hidingwhoiam said.

...it does sound as though they are trying to be thoughtful and helpful, however, because you don’t feel ready to be separated from your baby yet (entirely natural and normal btw) you may, appear to be overreacting - to them. Also, his child(ren) now have their own babies. He has possibly long forgotten that instinctive urge to be with your infant.

SummerInTheVillage · 28/07/2019 15:44

YAB a bit U. Let them take DC out for a walk in the pushchair around the block. I can understand you not wanting her gone all day but an hour or so with her grandparents is perfectly normal and lovely.

SavingSpaces2019 · 28/07/2019 15:46

He said with raised eye brows "well you're going to have to get used to being without her one day"
My reply would have been to raise my own eyebrow and say "And as her mother I will decide when i'm ready to do that".

how have they been involvement wise since the baby was born?

Mintjulia · 28/07/2019 15:48

Op, I don’t think you are over reacting at all. It’s very simple, your baby, your decision.

Stick to your guns. Make those boundaries clear and don’t be bullied.

SavingSpaces2019 · 28/07/2019 15:49

i also wouldn't be impressed with them buying all the things that you've already got for travelling with your dc.
just why????

PooWillyBumBum · 28/07/2019 15:51

To me it sounds like a bit of a throwaway comment you've blown WAY out of proportion. They haven't threatened to kidnap her...

jobobpip08 · 28/07/2019 15:51

SweetAsSpice has hit the nail on the head. Instinctive urge. It is a mighty powerful thing and a combination of that and his comments have really kicked in your protective mum feelings. He on the other hand has no idea of how you are feeling and also has no idea of whether your baby would even be happy with a bottle!

Some people are happy to let family take their newborns away, which is fine for them, but would have been over my dead body. No way would he be taking my baby away for a day, I'm with you OP.

NoSauce · 28/07/2019 15:54

The baby isn’t newborn though, she’s 5 months, which is still young but nothing like newborn, I wouldn’t have allowed that either.

KUGA · 28/07/2019 15:54

Fabulous answer from SavingSaces2019.
TOTALLY agree.
Whose child is she anyway?.cheeky git bags.

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