The In laws !!!

[mamatoizzybee]

Need some outside thoughts and I'm driving myself crazing wondering img I'm over reacting to this.

In a nutshell, me and my husband and our 5 month old daughter have agreed to go on holiday with his parents. This was arranged when our daughter was only a couple of months old we thought it would be great!

I have always got on well with my in laws , they are a little overbearing but it's quite endearing and we try to just laugh it off or ignore. I'm not the sort to be easily offended , and we've never had cause for an argument. We are a happy family and get on well

However, now we have our daughter, things have changed and my mum brain is in full force! Ignoring overbearingness with us is one thing , but not now we have our daughter and our own little family .

They have bought a car seat , a cot , a changing bag , muslins , etc and I get the impression they seem to think they will be looking after our baby at some point (though they have never said this out right )

My father in law said he was going to bring their car seat on holiday with us so that they can take my daughter out for the day. I said no to this as Im not ready to leave her yet and I'm breastfeeding and that we would really need the extra space in their car for all the baby stuff we will need to take. There's no point duplicating on a car seat that we won't need!.

His response has really irked me. He said with raised eye brows "well you're going to have to get used to being without her one day"

What do people think to this ? I am not an angry person but this has made me so mad. I am well aware there will be nursery and school in the future but my daughter is 5 months , and will still only be 6 months when we go away. Should I actually have to get used to leaving her for a whole day at this small age? I am not planning on returning to work as we are in a fortunate position where I can stay at home with my baby .

I have been mulling this over all night and me and my husband will be going over to theirs later to have a calm conversation about it to air our thoughts and also expectations of this holiday as we don't want to get there and be bossed about . I also don't want to fall out over something so stupid !

Am I being unreasonable ? Why would he have said that to me ?

NoSauce my point was really that some people seem happy to let people take the baby away almost straight out of the womb, we're not all like that :)

I’m definitely not like that either! Couldn’t think of anything worse.

Thank you all for your responses. Some interesting comments and it's good to see the two opposite opinions for sure.

I think it comes down to how you parent your child and that's a personal decision - I understand that some people will take up every opportunity for a break, and that's not wrong. But I can't be that person and that is also not wrong - I have left my daughter with my MIL on a couple of occasions for an hour when me and my husband had a solicitors appointment and also my husband has taken our daughter over to the in laws for a visit whilst I had a nap at home . That was for a little longer , so she did have a bottle with her . So it isn't like I'm anal about being tied to her hip at every second . Just that I'm not yet ready to be without her for a whole day.

What insulted me was the comment that I have to leave her at some point and I have to get used to that when it was said in the context of my 5 month old having an entire day out somewhere in the car without me. Yes she will take the bottle occasionally, but it's not guaranteed every single time , and as her mum, it's my choice when I am ready to leave her for the day / when she stops BF.

We have had a chat with them and it was very nice but honest and it did go down well. We are lucky to have a supportive family , so don't think I'm being ungrateful here. I just wanted other opinions on whether my emotions were completely crazy or not and I was interested to hear what others would think / do

OP when you talk to them, don’t say “I’m not ready to leave her yet” that gives unreasonable people the chance to tell you that you will have to one day (as they already have) or to think of you as being clingy / over protective etc etc

Instead, just repeat that baby is too young to be left yet but as soon as she’s old enough you’re sure she’ll love sleep overs at theirs.
However that isn’t likely to be for a long while yet.

We went in holiday when ds was 6 months old. It was so incredibly stressful we came home early. He wouldn't sleep, we could never enjoy a meal in a restaurant the list goes on. I left lo when he was a month old with my mother and it was fine. At this age its much easier, much harder than older when they know you're going. I'd have actually loved someone to take lo for an hour or so on that holiday!! They are being very Kind although a tad over bearing and possibly really excited. Be grateful

YANBU AT ALL! To be honest it's completely ridiculous that people are so obsessed with separating a baby and it's parents, despite a baby's biological instinct to need to be with mum. I'm so glad they are supportive and you have managed to have an open chat with them. My 4 year old has never spent more than a few hours away from home, never spent a night somewhere without me or his dad. Never been to nursery, not going to go to school. Yet he has amazing relationships with all 5 grandparents and 4 great grandparents, aunties, uncles and has lovely friendships with other children. There is nothing strange or unhealthy about a tiny baby, or a young child being with their parents.

Op you sound very reasonable and sensible. I know how you feel, having always been a very laid back person, random comments from the inlaws are disproportionately annoying when they relate to the baby. I feel like they are trying to muscle in all the time. In reality they are just trying to be involved, but it's hard to accept when I'm completely independent in every other area. I wouldn't want their help with anything else.
I think it needs some assertiveness - helps me feel in control and obviously they can't take the baby without my consent anyway, so the end outcome is the same. They've had their children and now it's your turn, and it's entirely up to you how you look after your child.

@Chocolatelover45 and @LLOE7 thank you :) it's good to know that I'm not being completely wrong . I get that they will want to spend time with their granddaughter , and that's the purpose of the holiday - no need to separate us for a whole day though if I'm not ready and more importantly if my (BF ) baby isn't ready !

Isn't there another thread on here in which someone is moaning about being on holiday with family but no-one has offered any help with the children?

@LadyRannaldini lol I don't know , but I'm sure that's a different set of circumstances and would be hard to compare . I've also said many times I am grateful to have a supportive family . Everything has its own set of circumstances

I think at 6 months you should be getting used to be away from your child for small periods to build up. Especially if they will be going to nursery etc when you return to work.

For the first time a whole day is ridiculous for them to ask, but a couple of hours is far more reasonable.

Surely the reason to go on holiday with in-laws/parents etc is so they can help with the baby and give you and your partner an evening or afternoon to yourselves?

I don’t think they meant it in a way of “we are going to take your baby away from you” but more of a “we will babysit for a day so you and your DH can spend time alone to enjoy your holiday”. Perhaps he was assuming you are expecting that they will babysit? They obviously dote on her judging by all the stuff they have bought for her. They are not intending to be cruel.

YABU I'm afraid.

I get that you are bf etc etc, but you are getting angry at the idea that your DC has grandparents who are loving and caring and see a future for themselves as grandparents who babysit ! Holy cow, how will you respond to them offering any other kind of help ??

You should be counting your blessings and kindly yet firmly letting them know that you appreciate all they are doing ( and buying) for your Dc and your little family unit, and that as soon as you feel able to, you will be delighted for them to be more 'hands on' and involved.
Even on holiday if they can hold DC for a while after feeding or take DC for a stroll in the buggy to give you 30mins to do whatever.

They just want to help and to forge their own relationship with your DC, which isn't easy if they feel they aren't trusted or responsible enough in your eyes.

No-one on the planet ( with the obvious exception of you and DH) will love and cherish your DC more ! EVER !

DO NOT MISS OUT on the loving relationship they have with you, your DP and now your DC by being so self focused ( not the same as selfish) that you 'can't see the wood for the trees'.

I'm posting this here but it's not aimed at the OP particularly. It's just that reading MN at the moment (when I 'm about to become a grandmother for the first time) is actually terrifying. It seems like grandparents can't do right for doing wrong.

I would buy a car seat without thinking about it. Thinking it would be helpful for my daughter at some point.
That's not really the point though. It's just that so many people seem hypersensitive to anything a grandparent says or does.

(Sorry OP, yours just happened to be the post that tipped me over the edge. There've been far worse!)

Glad chat went well, next time

Yes I totally agree one-day I won't be with her all day, but that day will come naturally when I feel its ready.
.

I went back to work when ds was 5 months. I can’t see what harm it would do to let them babysit for a few hours.

Op, I don’t think you are over reacting at all. It’s very simple, your baby, your decision.
The baby has two parents - or owners as you seem to view it.

What insulted me was the comment that I have to leave her at some point and I have to get used to that when it was said in the context of my 5 month old having an entire day out somewhere in the car without me. Yes she will take the bottle occasionally, but it's not guaranteed every single time , and as her mum, it's my choice when I am ready to leave her for the day / when she stops BF.

I think he's just worded it badly and you're overreacting. He might have meant when she starts school for instance.

@mamatoizzybee it sounds like you cleared the air & much is settled.

If they already have a car seat to hand, then I assume that other GC are about & they are used to bundling small kids about with aplomb.

Your FiL’s off-the-cuff comment was brusque & I expect he regretted his quip.

Wishing you all a lovely holiday en famille 🏖🏖🍦

@UniversalAunt - thanks for your comment . No other grandchildren , this is their first , which is why they are so excited!! They went and bought a car seat so they have one in their car too!!

If you are not yet ready to be separated from your EBF 6mo then you absolutely do not have to.

It's not their decision. You get to decide, not the ILs.

@mamatoizzybee : it sounds like you handled it well and I hope you have a good holiday! I had to have a similar conversation with my in-laws when my DD was first born. It's common with their friends that their grandchildren get left for days/weekends from 4-5 weeks and they couldn't understand why I said no (ebf/issues with latching/refused any sort of bottle).

Here's to a great relaxing holiday!

Ok. I don't think you are bu for not leaving your child. Absolutely your choice. I do however think your attitude to your in laws is a little unreasonable. One day your daughter may have a baby and I guarantee you will want to forge your relationship with grandchild and help out and support & love. JUST IMAGINE if you are treated with disdain or attitude by a son or daughter in law for caring, buying things and loving. Sometimes I find Mumsnet just so so selfish. Yes you are a new little family, but your DP is their baby & you never ever ever stop feeling like your child needs you. You'll find that out.
Your in laws seem lovely, please Cherish them & try not to be that daughter in law. Please don't.

I would buy a car seat without thinking about it. Thinking it would be helpful for my daughter at some point

Well maybe that's the relationship you have with your daughter so it would be ok.

I had very overbearing in-laws OP and I was actually really flexible and let them have ds overnight when he was ten weeks old. I did that a few times but they just pushed for more and more and in the end my anxiety at having to fight them off was so huge that I stopped it altogether. My next child didn't spend an overnight with them till she was 4 years old but they did it to themselves.

There's a pp poster saying people should be getting used to being away from their babies by the time they're six months old and maybe some people do if they are returning to work but OP isn't going to be so doesn't need to get used to being away from her child. This, as always, is one of those parenting choices that you making taking into account your own circumstances, there's no should about it and what you needed to do for you and your baby is not necessarily what others need to do.

I'm glad the chat went well and I don't think you were overreacting OP, at all.

She's not trying to stop her ILs from having a relationship with her child.

She just doesn't want them to take her EBF 6mo away for a full day in the car against her will.