The In laws !!!

[mamatoizzybee]

Need some outside thoughts and I'm driving myself crazing wondering img I'm over reacting to this.

In a nutshell, me and my husband and our 5 month old daughter have agreed to go on holiday with his parents. This was arranged when our daughter was only a couple of months old we thought it would be great!

I have always got on well with my in laws , they are a little overbearing but it's quite endearing and we try to just laugh it off or ignore. I'm not the sort to be easily offended , and we've never had cause for an argument. We are a happy family and get on well

However, now we have our daughter, things have changed and my mum brain is in full force! Ignoring overbearingness with us is one thing , but not now we have our daughter and our own little family .

They have bought a car seat , a cot , a changing bag , muslins , etc and I get the impression they seem to think they will be looking after our baby at some point (though they have never said this out right )

My father in law said he was going to bring their car seat on holiday with us so that they can take my daughter out for the day. I said no to this as Im not ready to leave her yet and I'm breastfeeding and that we would really need the extra space in their car for all the baby stuff we will need to take. There's no point duplicating on a car seat that we won't need!.

His response has really irked me. He said with raised eye brows "well you're going to have to get used to being without her one day"

What do people think to this ? I am not an angry person but this has made me so mad. I am well aware there will be nursery and school in the future but my daughter is 5 months , and will still only be 6 months when we go away. Should I actually have to get used to leaving her for a whole day at this small age? I am not planning on returning to work as we are in a fortunate position where I can stay at home with my baby .

I have been mulling this over all night and me and my husband will be going over to theirs later to have a calm conversation about it to air our thoughts and also expectations of this holiday as we don't want to get there and be bossed about . I also don't want to fall out over something so stupid !

Am I being unreasonable ? Why would he have said that to me ?

It's ok getting involved with your GC and buying car seats etc - BUT check with the parents first.

@sneakypinky thank you for taking the time to read my post in detail , and for all others who have read my post too and commented.

I do feel that some of what I have said has been misunderstood by some people, however I guess that's the side effect of writing in an anon text form on an online forum .

I have a lovely relationship with my in laws and I am blessed to have the family I have . I am a new mum and therefore feeling all the new emotions that go with that and as a new mum I am also taking to mumsnet for the first time .

I appreciate all the responses and I think I have plenty to take away and think about :)

FYI - it is all now sorted with the in laws and we have had a nice conversation about boundaries and parenting styles

They must be mad to want to take a five month old out for the day! An hour here and there yes but no way would i allow them to take her for the day

OP MN is very anti MILs so as you’re new take the advice given with a pinch of salt, you know your in-laws, we don’t.

A lot of posters project their own situation and feelings where their PILs are concerned so you’re not exactly getting fair advice.

@NoSauce - thanks for the heads up ☺️ appreciate it a lot !
It is very difficult to get a through picture of someone's situation from one single post on an online forum - who they are , what they are like , amongst other context . It's been good to air my worries though and it's nice to get it off my chest ☺️

Sounds like you’ve got a great relationship with your PILs and with a bit of tweaking and understanding from them I’m sure things will fall into place. Good luck 😉

Ok so this seems weird to me. My DDs are 13&14 so this is some time ago for me but not that long ago. I'd have grabbed any opportunity to have some help for some time with DH. I went away for a night at 8 weeks and everyone in France goes back to work at 13 weeks. So this just sounds so OTT.

If you lived elsewhere in Europe you'd have been back at work for 2 months. Our childcare provision is cheap and excellent and it's the norm. Extended parental leave is unusual.

Not being goady but it's not difficult to see why they might not understand your point of view without some explanation.

Child rearing has gone from being extremely parent centered in our grandparents and great grandparents generations to being extremely child centered. I'm fairly sure that this will swing back over the decades to come. Perhaps not as far as before but certainly a more balanced place than now.

OP, I'm glad you've been able to have a sensible conversation about this. I wouldn't get upset about them buying stuff so that when you are ready, that have what they need for your LO's care. As yet, we don't have anything for dgs here, since we prefer to look after him in his own home where he has familiar things around (we are a three minute walk away), but as he gets older and things like bottles, sterilisers etc are not needed, he will probably come here more and at that point we will get what we need. The only thing I would say, is please continue to allow your ILs to look after your LO now and again - when DIL was rushed I to hospital a few weeks after giving birth, Dh and I ended up looking after dgs for three weeks - thankfully, ds and DIL had welcomed us into dgs life from the start so we were familiar with his routines and were able to put DILs mind at rest so she could concentrate on her recovery.
As an aside, a spare car seat was also a godsend when DS was involved in a car accident - he just contacted DILs parents and asked them to bring their car seat to the hospital once everyone had been checked over. Otherwise they would have been stuck for getting dgs home at 3am!

@saraclara please don't let my post or other posts worry you .
Car seat situation - we were asked if it would be helpful , and at the time we had s conversation about it and as they were happy to buy one for themselves we saw it as a good back up - my husband takes our car for work and as my MIL no longer works, it's a great back up in case I need to get my daughter to a GP or somewhere urgent .

This is just one situation that upset me and the only time I've ever posted here about my in laws . In the 10 years I've known them I've had nothing but a lovely relationship with them - and stil do , despite this slight niggle

Oh for goodness sakes he's just pointed out a fact!!!! 🙄

YANBU - however saying that, as someone who refused to be parted from her baby in the first year of his life, it’s a bloody nightmare trying to get him used to going to other people now. His separation anxiety is intense and despite three months of trying to get him to go to other people (he’s going on 20 months now), it’s getting worse with each try.

And in the same breath, don’t be away from your baby until you feel. You’ll end up in a state if you attempt it before that and you should never feel forced into leaving your baby. I get that grandparents want to have time with their grandchild but there’s plenty of time for that in the future!

Yanbu and I’m glad you had a nice discussion about it. I 🙄 when I hear people say “be grateful” because someone else in a different situation with different circumstances was having trouble.

I don’t get why some grandparents want to take grandchildren away for a whole day without their parents or assume they should be able to because their grandparents without parental input or consideration, especially when they are still babies.

They have been able to watch their grandchild for short periods and that should be enough until you are ready for it to be more.

My parents talked about taking my sons out alone when they were babies and having them out all day and not once asked if I was ok with it. Add in that they lived quite far away (didn’t know our area), and were still quite heavy nursers, it was out of the question. My in-laws are quite far away, but closer and didn’t have the same expectations but there was a sense of obligation to let them take baby out despite my discomfort because they were husband’s parents and they weren’t around often either and I needed to be fair. I became more comfortable with people (other than my husband) having my oldest for longer periods of time when he was 20 mo, had smaller feeds, and started nursery. With my second (22 mo) I am much more relaxed but rather wait until he has tapered off a bit with his feeds. The engorgement isn’t worth it atm 😆.

You’ll get there and there is no rush while you’re still nursing.

*they’re

Why do people bother commenting if they haven't read the op? She clearly said that the gps have already had sole charge of the baby and she is fine with short stints away from her. So why are you all accusing op of trying to stop them having a relationship?

@mamatoizzybee

So happy and chuffed for you all that you've all had a chat and all is well. :) Hope you all have a terrific holiday :)

Sometimes it's true that posts can be misread/ misunderstood by readers ( quite often actually), and I apologise if I've got the 'wrong end of the stick'.

I think my experience of having a loving, supportive and involved parents ( including shared holidays etc) who unfortunately both died suddenly when DC were 1yr and 4yrs has made me want to make sure people don't take that for granted, cos believe me it's complete shite when it's gone. :( There's not a day goes by that I don't think They would have loved to see DC do that, or they would have loved the school xmas show etc etc and I've missed them hugely, often with silly things like school photos, i.e not ordering copies for grandparents :(

Cherish every day :)

He said with raised eye brows "well you're going to have to get used to being without her one day"

I think you're wilfully misinterpreting one comment. You will have to be without her one day - possibly the day you have a second child, possibly the day you need to have a day in hospital, definitely the day she goes to school or even university. He hasn't said anything that isn't the truth.

By buying these things, they are showing you they are ready, when you chose.

Don't set certain posters here put thoughts into your head and twist your mind into a campaign of hate against the ILs.

Glad you've had a good conversation about it OP. The one thing that stood out for me was you saying you would need the extra space in their car for extra stuff for your baby. Are you all going in one ca r? Or do you have a smart car? Otherwise I don't understand why you wouldn't be able to fit 2 adults and one baby and their stuff in one car. If I had been your in-laws, I would have found it a little off of you to be expecting to tell me which of your baby's things I am allowed to put in my own car. Sounds like they are nicer than me though!

Anyway, yes your fil's comment would have irked me too, but sounds like it came from a good intention and you've resolved any ill-feeling now

You and your PILs sound lovely. I'm glad you were able to resolve everything so comfortably. I hope my daughter and I will be able resolve any unintended misunderstandings as easily. You've restored my faith a little!

YANBU OP. I think what sticks out to me, and I am thinking maybe to the OP, is the entitled attitude and the presumptuous attitude of the ILs. I think it is all about the ILs presuming things which, I feel, is very rude. I would be irritated if my ILs presumed so much that they even went out and bought a baby seat for their car! I mean, who does that? I find that quite rude and assuming, in a very brass neck manner, and my instinct would be to deny them the baby just for that, to put them in their place, so they would no longer make so many assumptions about having my baby. In fact, I find the idea of their being so entitled and so presumptuous, so carried away that they bought the car seat to be quite disturbing. The OP has not over-reacted at all, not even in the slightest. In fact, she seems to be reacting far better than I would. I would not be able to hide my astonishment at them being so presumptuous that they went and actually bought a car seat.

And for people who are talking about letting them mind the baby for a few hours, the OP has said that the ILs idea was for an ENTIRE DAY OUT with the baby, without the mother. An....entire......day. Clearly not the same thing as a couple of hours.

@saraclara - I'm sure you will do , you mustn't worry about that sort of thing before the baby has even arrived (big congratulations btw !!)
To be honest, having a baby has made me and my mum so much closer. I think it must be hard for the dads parents as a mum and daughters relationship is so strong when daughters become mums that it must feel like they have to push to have time , even if time is given and wanted , it must feel very different (please no one shoot me down for saying that as I mean it in a reflective way not a criticism ! )

What Saraclara says !
Grandparents can’t seem to win these days ..

Congratulations on your grandchild ... you sound lovely and I hope you are appreciated for the invaluable assistance and support that I am sure you will provide xx

OP ... please try to be grateful that they are taking an interest ...
chill out and enjoy your baby and allow others to be around too ... life will be better if you relax

Spam 390

I too have lost my dp, so I know the pain of all you have said but that doesn't matter if the people give you anxiety, pressure, don't seem to understand you and ruin sports day, school plays with their behavior so whilst in this case op has a good relationship with the pils, I feel that emotionally charged comment is unfair.

saraclara

Nealry all gp issues on here come from pushy mils who don't respect their adult dc, seem to have sons who can't say no to them in anyway or level and who are in competition with their dils and finally, lack self analysis and the ability to amidit they are wrong!!

Are you any of the above?
Probably not. Will you ask, offer kindly... What do you need, want and not foist yourself on them, snatch baby from mums arms, try and shove Nutella in its mouth at 5 weeks, berate mum for ebf because it destroys your time with baby, demand the baby stays over night in the nursery you have kitted out, put mum down with constant digs, and when you foist your 1960 knowledge on her and she tries to tell you it's changed now don't listen just tell her... I had 2 and they survived...

Because I'm sure you'll be fine and it's bloody obvious what causes the issues!!

Babbi equally the gp need to relax though don't they? They need to chill out and remember op is new parent and she may not want her baby taken from her all day. They need to chill and remember what it's like being a new parent

There's some very patronising comments. "Life will be better if you relax" " in Europe you'd be back to work in 2 months" how exactly would op be relaxed if she feels pushed into being apart from her child for longer than she is happy and how sad that Europe has such a dreadful system, having excellent childcare doesn't make up for a child not being with its parents.
People who felt happy about leaving their child at a very young age will always try to make you feel stupid for not doing the same. For us leaving my child to "have a few hours with OH" wasn't at all what we wanted, we were a new family of three and we didn't want or need time with baby taken away. 2 year old still hasn't been without us, 6 year old didn't apart from the night I was in hospital giving birth and obviously for school. They have a great relationship with all extended family. You do what you want when you want. Keep them with you till school, let grandparents have them from birth, whatever works for your family and the people saying "I can't understand this" just ridiculous, how can you not understand that not everyone wants to do what you did.

mamatoizzybee my in laws did this too, they bought a higg chair and car seat and other accessories and what annoyed me was when i saw mil have a box full of changing which included some expensive nappies that she took from my house without my knowledge that i could have used! All done with the impression they would be looking after my daughter or having her overnights. I didn't let them look after her until she was 10 months but only twice as they didn't listen to any of my instructions so I put her in daycare instead so I could work.
Set the expectations now before they take it to far