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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Overbearing MIL

98 replies

Cca19 · 28/07/2019 12:54

My MIL is constantly contradicting everything I say and do when it comes to my DD. This has been going on since the day she was born 10 weeks ago. I have made several comments to her about how I don’t like the way she is behaving but have been ignored anyway, but the level of disrespect has never felt as bad until this.

We were at MIL’s for a meal this weekend when she gave DD some food without even asking if we were okay with it. I was annoyed and asked her to please not give her any food, we only want to give her breast milk up until she is 6 months old or until WE feel she is ready. She said okay. Later again that night she tried a second time. This time I caught her before she did it and explained she is OUR daughter and she will NOT be having anything other than breast milk until we say so, so please respect that.

She responded saying she gave DH food at a younger age than DD and he is fine. I explained that although many people give their babies food to try we do not want to and she should respect this. She then said baby food is advertised from 4 months+ and our DD would be having it at that age. When I told her no she would not, she responded saying YES she will have food at 4 months?! I then explained myself and the HV had a conversation about this earlier the very same day where she told me babies have a higher risk of developing allergic reactions to foods they try before 6 months as their bodies see it as a foreign body and attack it. I also explained they have a higher risk of choking as their bodies just are not ready for it to which she responded “that’s bullshit” and babies have more allergic reactions these days because they are left until 6 months to eat. She claims health care providers don’t know what they are talking about. She’s also one of those people that think Autism isn’t real 🙄

I’m honestly so baffled as to how she thinks she has this much control over our DD. She has zero respect for what myself and DD want for our baby and the fact she can happily potentially endanger our babies life is so upsetting to me.

My AIBU is: am I being unreasonable to not want to leave DD alone with her anymore? DH is annoyed with me for even bringing up the subject but I just feel as though DD isn’t really safe alone with her.

OP posts:

mussolini9 · 28/07/2019 15:29

She's on prescription milk and spent 3 days in hospital at 10 days old due to this but she keeps trying to let her have a lick of chocolate, I've told her not to and she ignores me, so when I caught her again the other day I didn't hold back I said she would not be left in a room with her alone

Jeez! - I would have had trouble holding back from punching your Mil full in the face for that. Want to punch OP's MiL too.
They don't even have the excuse of doing what's right for the baby - they just want to challenge their DiLs & assert territorial rights. Arseholes!

RebootYourEngine · 28/07/2019 15:57

YADNBU. Her contact with your baby needs to be few and far between.

My first MIL was like this. It is all about respect and them wanting to be in charge. My current MIL lives in another continent so I will have none of this. Thank god.

kazillionaire · 28/07/2019 15:58

Back in the day the advice was to start giving baby rice at six weeks so she may just be out of date, although that doesn't excuse her behaviour

Coyoacan · 28/07/2019 16:24

I had my dd 35 years ago and nobody ever weaned such a young baby even then.

You have a DH problem OP. Is he someone who just agrees with whomever he's talking to at the time? I can understand that, considering the parents he has.

AlwaysDancing1234 · 28/07/2019 16:27

I had this with MIL, when my DS was born he was a big baby who would feed a lot (breastfeed). Didn’t bother me but MIL insisted he should be moved to formula at 6 weeks and be given baby rice or weetabix to bulk it out 🙄

I said no way and she said “oh but I did it with mine” yeah and DH and his siblings have stomach and bowel problems!

I stood up to her as DH wouldn't and it caused rows.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 28/07/2019 17:07

Advice back in the day (30+ years ago) was to wean at around 12-16 weeks. Dc1 weaned from 12 weeks and DC2 at around 10. DC2 started at a slightly younger age on advice of hv, as, being a big baby, he had a big appetite and it was becoming increasingly difficult to satisfy him with milk alone - the amount he was taking it each feed was just too much for his stomach so the hv suggested replacing some of his milk with baby rice (made with the 'missing' milk). Over the course of the day he had the same amount of milk, just that some of it was used to create a 'between feed ' meal with the baby rice.

I am now a grandmother and am fully aware that advice has changed. I am lucky enough that DC and DIL know they can trust us to follow their wishes wrt looking after our dgc and we only offer advice when it is asked for and even then, my usual answer is to say what we did and to tell them to trust their instinct as a parent. If your MIL is not following your wishes, she needs to understand she is putting her relationship with her dgc in jeopardy.

FWIW, I have also read that some people are now of the opinion that certain food allergies could be avoided by introducing some foods earlier than we currently advise.

Nautiloid · 28/07/2019 17:57

I would not leave my child with anyone who had form for disrespecting my wishes.

More to the point, it would be mad to leave a child with someone who thinks it's ok to shove food into a 10 week old baby. That's terrifying.

TabbyMumz · 28/07/2019 18:20

I'm with her on the allergy thing as I understand there has been a rise in allergies recently and they are thinking of reducing the advice of feeding to earlier than 6 months. However, she is wrong to feed your child without your permission. Certainly to do it twice!! I fed my child at 13 weeks following advice at that time, but based on her going against your wishes like that, I wouldn't trust her and my child would not be alone with her again. My MIL fed my child a bottle horizontally so she sucked in air. She never fed her again.

TabbyMumz · 28/07/2019 18:31

So many people on here talking about following advice years ago to give babies baby rice at 12 weeks, then when I said the same thing on another thread only a few weeks ago I was hounded out as a rotten liar! Just goes to show how threads go. Today there was a thread where someone asked what will they lose if they have kids and hundreds of people ploughed on talking about loss of sleep, peace, being able to leave the house on a whim. Yet on another thread about having children v being childless, everyone is saying how easy it is to have kids and it's not an achievement at all!!!

Bettyrobble · 28/07/2019 21:46

Nevermind what everyone else has said, which I agree with. You don't even know at this stage whether your child has allergies. Both mine do and it has been incredibly stressful for my DH and I (especially with nuts and flying)... But my parents aren't careful with that stuff at all and it makes it so much harder. We have had to train them with everything from looking at food labels to epipens.

One of the most helpful things I found was when the HV visited while my mum was staying. She insisted my DSwas cold and dressed him warmer. HV came and asked why my baby was so over dressed to which my mum responded that it was her. Brilliant reply from the HV " well my dear, things have moved on from your day, we don't do things the way you used to, we know a lot more than we used to and remember mummy knows best." I could have missed her! It changed my mum's whole attitude from then on.

Also you and DH have GOT to be on the same page when it comes to baby. You and HIM decide together and inform everyone else, NOT the other way around. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!

Bettyrobble · 28/07/2019 21:48

*kissed not missed!

Sunburntnoseandears · 28/07/2019 21:54

Once caught my mil trying to force ds to eat cold mash. He was about 3 months old.
I actually asked her if she was trying to kill him!
She never had them alone.
She quite regularly gave fil food poisoning too!

shesgrownhorns · 28/07/2019 21:55

" my MIL was the same and used to say ‘don’t tell me what to do with my grandchild’ "

Fucking hell - I'd have lost my shit with that remark!

loveacupoftea18 · 28/07/2019 21:57

You've described my own MIL to a tee, and she has never had my DD (now 16 months) on her own! Can't trust her AT all.

Marshmallow91 · 28/07/2019 22:14

Tell her she's never going to get the opportunity to feed your child before 6 months because she'll never be alone with them.

Silly cow

TooManyPaws · 28/07/2019 22:15

And while doing as advised by PP, if you have to see her again, baby-wear so she doesn't have access to your baby.

NoddyAndBessie · 29/07/2019 12:12

Someone posted here a few months ago the three do's.

I don't agree with this where there's respect and boundaries, but for GPs who don't show respect or have boundaries, this is ace advice.

Do you love your grandchild?
Do you want a relationship with them?
Do as you're fucking told then.

PixieLumos · 29/07/2019 12:21

I wouldn’t usually say this but in this scenario I wouldn’t even go visit or let her visit anymore for a while. Completely disrespectful and unacceptable - you don’t need to put up with that.

Monsterinmypocket · 29/07/2019 12:36

I dont understand the MIL's thinking - a 10 week old baby isn't four months old. It's your choice when you introduce solids and she should respect it. I have given my child a bit of rice cereal (which made him gassy, so we stopped) and he manages chewing on a banana just fine and hes 19 weeks, but only because he was clearly protesting while we were eating, so thought we would try it. I wanted to do EBF till 6 months as I didnt want the faff, but it looks like he's on his way to being ready.

There are studies which refute the 6 month rule, and it is a guideline as all babies are different, but to try to feed her without you knowing is terrible. Your DH needs to have a word with her!

Forgottenwhatsleepis · 29/07/2019 12:53

You need to tell her DH straight to step up to protect his daughter, no matter from whom, and back you up! You BOTH together need to tell the ILs they will not be having any contact with DD until they respect BOTH of your wishes.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 29/07/2019 12:56

Your MIL sounds like my PIL. They are not allowed to look after our children.

What an idiot she is. Who would risk a relationship with their GC by creating a silly power struggle?

You are entitled to be firm with her about your wishes. It doesn't matter if most people would agree or disagree. This is your child and you make the rules.

Happynow001 · 29/07/2019 13:14

DH is on the same page with not feeding her until 6 months/until we feel she’s ready so I have no idea why he’s not backing me up in this situation.
Perhaps he's a coward? More able to stand up to you ( DH is annoyed with me for even bringing up the subject) than to his mother?

He needs to SHOW them you and he are on the same team - rather than paying lip service to it when his parents aren't around.

Ihatesundays · 29/07/2019 13:19

My MIL (Who had almost no interest in DD) was obsessed with giving her chocolate from 2 months.
I fact many of the reasons I wouldn’t leave her alone with her was her attitude to food and the desperate need to feed her crap all the time.

I wouldn’t leave your baby alone with her ever. In fact I would reduce the visits, particularly to their home and see them in a more controlled environment like your own home.

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