Overbearing MIL

[Cca19]

My MIL is constantly contradicting everything I say and do when it comes to my DD. This has been going on since the day she was born 10 weeks ago. I have made several comments to her about how I don’t like the way she is behaving but have been ignored anyway, but the level of disrespect has never felt as bad until this.

We were at MIL’s for a meal this weekend when she gave DD some food without even asking if we were okay with it. I was annoyed and asked her to please not give her any food, we only want to give her breast milk up until she is 6 months old or until WE feel she is ready. She said okay. Later again that night she tried a second time. This time I caught her before she did it and explained she is OUR daughter and she will NOT be having anything other than breast milk until we say so, so please respect that.

She responded saying she gave DH food at a younger age than DD and he is fine. I explained that although many people give their babies food to try we do not want to and she should respect this. She then said baby food is advertised from 4 months+ and our DD would be having it at that age. When I told her no she would not, she responded saying YES she will have food at 4 months?! I then explained myself and the HV had a conversation about this earlier the very same day where she told me babies have a higher risk of developing allergic reactions to foods they try before 6 months as their bodies see it as a foreign body and attack it. I also explained they have a higher risk of choking as their bodies just are not ready for it to which she responded “that’s bullshit” and babies have more allergic reactions these days because they are left until 6 months to eat. She claims health care providers don’t know what they are talking about. She’s also one of those people that think Autism isn’t real 🙄

I’m honestly so baffled as to how she thinks she has this much control over our DD. She has zero respect for what myself and DD want for our baby and the fact she can happily potentially endanger our babies life is so upsetting to me.

My AIBU is: am I being unreasonable to not want to leave DD alone with her anymore? DH is annoyed with me for even bringing up the subject but I just feel as though DD isn’t really safe alone with her.

Yanbu but all you can really do is keep your child away from them. Yes dh should say something but it sounds like neither of you could change her mind, or FIL's come to that.

Just keep away is my advice.

Please do not leave your LO with your in laws, they will not respect your views. I would also consider going LC with them.

p.s. I am also a MIL, but I am with you 100% on this one. I do not understand why your MIL has to be so difficult

If you leave your DD alone with her I can 100% guarantee she'll give her food. She may not tell you about it right away but she'll definitely do it.

Jeez what is it with these overbearing grandparents? YANBU OP, my MIL was the same and used to say ‘don’t tell me what to do with my grandchild’ I said ‘she’s my DD’ and she said ‘She’s MY Grandchild!’ It was like a game of rock, paper and scissors to her and she held the trump card!! To hell with that. I wouldn’t even be polite about it anymore after she tried again despite you politely requesting her not to. I’d start speaking abruptly with no option for further discussion. If she can’t respect that then, well then she looses any privileges of a deep and close relationship with your little family doesn’t she.

I have 2 dc.
I weaned dc1 early -before 4 months- after advice from the hv over 10 years ago. She ended up with tummy problems and bowel problems. This may have happened anyways but there is now a link to early weaning and bowel/tummy problems.

Dc2 I waited until 6 months, even though he was an hungry baby, but he was ready and the process was natural and problem free.

Do what you and dp think is best for the dc. If someone can't respect that then they can't be trusted with you dd alone. Her health and wellbeing should always come first.

She is bonkers. but in a really poisonous way.

I would go as far as to say if she won't respect your wishes she won't see any of you. She is not giving you any respect - why would you go and see her?

Also - if DH isn't sticking up for your joint decisions, don't let him take her there either.

Don't take your child to visit her until the baby is over 6 months, tell her why you are doing this.

I think some people o had their babies years ago and had dierent advice see modern Mums doing somethign different as some kind of criricism apf the way they brought their babies up.
My Ds was born in 1985 and I was told to give him solids at 10 wks, and I did so. I would never try to impose what I did on another mother - things move on , research gives us more information and advice changes. This my MIL did (potty training at 6 weeks anyone ??) seemed bonkers to me, and what I did is outdated now.
Your MIl needs to understand that she has done her mothering of babies -she did what she t hought was best within the knowledge of the day, now you are doing the same and she has to back off.

You DH sounds a bit useless - doesn't he want the best for his child or is he scared of Mummy ?

There is no way I would leave my baby alone with anyone who would disrespect my wishes and try and feed my baby anything before I wanted them to.

I would simply tell my dh that I won't leaving baby alone with her and to be honest I would limit severely the amount of time I had contact with her.

She is rude and stupid and I'd not leave my baby with her.

Parents used to put their babies to sleep on their fronts, I expect I was put to bed on my front and I survived. However, now the medical advice is not to put babies to sleep on their fronts.

We listen to new advice and we learn. Your MIL is a dodo and I'd not have a dodo looking after my baby.

Your husband is a bit of an idiot and I am afraid if he cannot learn to put you ahead of his fucking overbearing mother I am wondering how long your marriage will last. Sorry.

I’d go no contact. Tell them that when they learn to respect you, you might let them see your DD.

Well there is some evidence to suggest that weaning from around 3/4 months is actually better in terms of helping prevent allergies (and some countries advocate weaning at 4 months irrespective of WHO advice) however she's your and your DH child and if you want to start weaning at 6 months that's your decision not your MIL's. I wouldn't leave my child with someone who disregards my instructions and if she complains I'd just say that to her.

I wouldn't leave her alone with your baby & I wouldn't let your husband visit with baby & without you.

She's already managed to feed a 10wk old with you both there! (how/what?)

yanbu

her behaviour is awful. I'd be avoiding her and definately no to her spending any time alone with the baby. as your bfing it shouldn't be too hard to ensure this.

Babies have died from eating too early...I recall one case where the baby had been given porridge (which had too much salt in for the baby to process it).

If you leave your baby alone with your MIL, you are crazy. No way will she adhere to your rules, and your baby could be harmed.

DC wouldn’t be seeing GP without my presence. Get a sling and put the baby in that whenever they’re not breastfeeding. She would not get another chance to feed my baby food.

I have mixed feelings on this one Your MIL is undoubtedly in the wrong for not respecting your views, you are the parents and so what you say is the rule. The fact she would choose to do things differently is immaterial. I wouldn’t leave her alone with the baby until she is weaned. It needn’t be a big deal, just make sure you or her dad is with her for the next few months.

You are being very dramatic using phrases like ‘endanger our babies life’.

My MIL is much, much older than me, she’s actually old enough to be my mum’s mum so things had changed a lot between her having a young family and our DC being born. She came out with all sorts of stuff that modern thinking would reject as unsafe but it can’t have been too bad as she had 5 very healthy children who are now very healthy middle aged men and women.

Your mil is disrespectful and rude. She should be respecting your wishes about everything, but this is a huge issue and potentially quite dangerous!

What's next? Will she be giving her honey or haribo or cola at 6 months?! What if she actually has allergies, will she respect that?!

I think you need to put your foot down now and make it crystal clear that her behaviour is unacceptable!

Of course you can't leave your baby with her. If anyone questions it, you can simply point out that she's made it very clear that she will ignore your wishes if you do so so obviously you can't risk that.

Even without this, I'd worry about someone who is thick enough to believe that they know better than health professionals. She sounds just the sort of person who would decide that allergies don't exist, babies should be left to cry and that a load of useless old wives' remedies are better than modern medication.

Nope, no way would she have unsupervised access to my dc.

My mil tried shove a fingerful of nutella in my ebf baby's mouth while i was actually in the room with them. She did it on the sly, checked me out, positioned her body between me and the baby, and scooped up the nutella and rammed it in my dd's mouth. Dd screamed and spat it out, so it was obvious what had happened. I was even more vigilant after that and she NEVER had unsupervised access until the dc were old enough to talk/make their wishes known, which as she never respected their wishes, meant they were nearly 10 and could argue their corner with her.

The advice used to be to add baby rice to milk from something like 6 weeks old. Doesn’t mean that’s ok. Your dh needs to grow a pair.

This is ALL about respect . I am very aware that advice about weaning /sleeping positions / car seats etc has changed a LOT even over the last 30 years and we have to assume this has come about from learning what is best . Now I did wean my SC at about 4 months but I had a reason for doing that and tbh there was not a lot of advice to contradict that . However I would never do anything like that without instruction from my son or DIL .
We check about everything - even warming bottles night time routines , everything .

And that is what this boils down to - respect for your parenting skills and decisions - not even particularly what happened and I think that your DH really needs to back you on this one .

My children are in their teens now and the guidelines back in my day was weaning from around 4 months. Probably earlier than this in my parents' day!
Having said that, 10 weeks is VERY early and even if your baby was, say for example, 5 months old I'd be fuming if anyone went over my head with regards to feeding!
I certainly wouldn't be able to leave a child in their sole care until they are on solids. They've shown their true colours I'd say

Oh hell no way would she have unsupervised access for a long long time. I'd give her and FIL a wide berth altogether if I were you. Would not be accepting any dinner invites if they think that's the way to carry on with your newborn. They are a danger to your child, she could have choked, never mind the longer term risks. She obviously thinks she knows better than you and the world heath organisation and the NHS.

She's a liability and will certainly try and sneak in food behind your back, probably thinking she is saving the poor baby from its misguided mother. I bet it won't be the last thing she decides she knows best. Was your DH smacked as a child? Left to cry in his cot? Be very wary of who you leave such a tiny baby with, you have to know they will stick to your instructions 100%

YANBU. I wouldn’t trust DH to supervise MIL with DD either. It would have to be me.

Your DH really needs to support you in standing up for your DD.

My mil is constantly doing the same apart from my little girl whose also 10weeks is anaphylactic to dairy and soya ! She's on prescription milk and spent 3 days in hospital at 10 days old due to this but she keeps trying to let her have a lick of chocolate, I've told her not to and she ignores me, so when I caught her again the other day I didn't hold back I said she would not be left in a room with her alone and she would not be seeing her until she stops trying to kill her with just a lick of chocolate and even when she's 6 months she can't have it so if she tries even then she won't be trusted at all. My husband is now on my side after having to deal with the fallout from her even getting the chocolate on her arm !

I know a lot of stuff is "guidelines", but has it ever been the case to introduce solids at 10wks??

For my oldest it was 3-4months & Op's baby isn't quite at the lower end of that!