Overbearing MIL

[Cca19]

My MIL is constantly contradicting everything I say and do when it comes to my DD. This has been going on since the day she was born 10 weeks ago. I have made several comments to her about how I don’t like the way she is behaving but have been ignored anyway, but the level of disrespect has never felt as bad until this.

We were at MIL’s for a meal this weekend when she gave DD some food without even asking if we were okay with it. I was annoyed and asked her to please not give her any food, we only want to give her breast milk up until she is 6 months old or until WE feel she is ready. She said okay. Later again that night she tried a second time. This time I caught her before she did it and explained she is OUR daughter and she will NOT be having anything other than breast milk until we say so, so please respect that.

She responded saying she gave DH food at a younger age than DD and he is fine. I explained that although many people give their babies food to try we do not want to and she should respect this. She then said baby food is advertised from 4 months+ and our DD would be having it at that age. When I told her no she would not, she responded saying YES she will have food at 4 months?! I then explained myself and the HV had a conversation about this earlier the very same day where she told me babies have a higher risk of developing allergic reactions to foods they try before 6 months as their bodies see it as a foreign body and attack it. I also explained they have a higher risk of choking as their bodies just are not ready for it to which she responded “that’s bullshit” and babies have more allergic reactions these days because they are left until 6 months to eat. She claims health care providers don’t know what they are talking about. She’s also one of those people that think Autism isn’t real 🙄

I’m honestly so baffled as to how she thinks she has this much control over our DD. She has zero respect for what myself and DD want for our baby and the fact she can happily potentially endanger our babies life is so upsetting to me.

My AIBU is: am I being unreasonable to not want to leave DD alone with her anymore? DH is annoyed with me for even bringing up the subject but I just feel as though DD isn’t really safe alone with her.

Your dh is enabling her. Get health visitor to talk to him. He needs to back you up. There are a million threads like this, look at the advice on them. Your baby, your rules. You have pr, gp do not. Protect your dc, this will run and run. Be firm, you are the mum.

Omg they both sound awful, i wouldn't let her have your baby alone at all. If you don't think your husband would stand up to her if he takes baby there then i wouldn't allow that either.
We have recently stopped going to mil as she always makes the whole atmosphere horrible and we come home feeling rubbish by all the comments she makes all the time.
Amazing how taking a step back from someone like that can make you feel so much better in yourself.

Your MIL sounds like a night mare! I would unfortunately lose my temper with her! Point out that the baby is yours and your OH and not hers to do as she pleases. She either plays by the rules of the game or not at all!

I am expecting the same situation with my MIL when our first arrives later this year.

I'm intrigued as to why she's so desperate to feed your baby. Maybe you could ask her? It's amazing how many people are so keen for a baby to be on the next developmental stage than where they are.
Clearly you are 💯 correct that babies need the sustenance which has been made specifically to support their needs. Their tummies are too small to accept anything in addition to this. As others have said, she's disrespectful at best, ill informed, obsessive and putting her own needs ahead of baby's. Not a candidate for babysitting or ever being alone with baby.

@hairydog

That is Vile! Utterly Vile, why would anyone do that? What can they hope to gain, what favours are they doing to the child

I can only conclude it's a power game.
I had similar with a sil, determined to give my dd 4 months ice cream she was (ebf).

Your MIL is disrespectful and rude, so you don't need to be polite in your dealings with her.

I wouldn't let her see baby for a good long time, and certainly never if I wasn't planning to be in the same room.

Tell her that you are no longer prepared to bring DD to visit a grandparent who is prepared to openly disrespect your decisions regarding your own baby. Then leave with DD, in the middle of the meal if necessary.

Also, tell DH in no uncertain terms that you will not be treated like that by his parents, and that you are very disappointed in his apparent inability to stick up for you. Don't let him take DD to see MIL on his own. She will ignore and bulldoze him, he won't fight his corner and his mother will do whatever she likes with your DD.

Yes, things were done differently years ago. I began weaning mine at around 4 months (just bits of baby rice) because that was the general advice at that time.

It is the parents' wishes that should be respected. Your overbearing MIL clearly thinks that she is the font of all knowledge on how to look after babies. She seriously needs taken down a good peg or two and I would have no qualms about doing that.

@diddl Sun - I know a lot of stuff is "guidelines", but has it ever been the case to introduce solids at 10wks??

It was 12 weeks when my eldest was a baby but I was advised by the GP to start him at 10 weeks as he was a ravenous monster.

Anyway, it doesn't matter what the guidelines are. What matters is what the parents have decided. The mil should respect that.

My mil was desperate to feed my ds ice-cream (I have no idea why) but we chose not to feed him any sugary stuff until he was at least 2 and then only occasionally. She respected our position even though I know she thought we were ridiculous.

Is it really necessary for you to go to the PILs for a meal? If my MIL consistently undermined my parenthood like this, I would be avoiding her unless it was absolutely necessary. And since she has been disrespecting your parenthood and undermining it quite a bit, it seems like you see her a fair bit. Far more than I would. Time for you to start seeing her very very sparsely, like once every few months, and only at YOUR house. Do not accept any invitations for dinners at her house. If they ask why you are not visiting them, simply say you will no longer put up with being disrespected and undermined and you don't feel your DC is safe with them and you will be keeping your distance until you see a change in their attitude.

Seriously, if my MIL was like this, I would never visit her at her house, let alone have for dinner there. Time to restrict time spent around her to the bare necessity.

Your inlaws are COMPLETELY out of line here, and your DH needs to actually back you up here. Agreeing with you privately isn't enough. His mother could actually harm his baby ... will he be defending her then?!?

Never leave the baby alone with them. Never. Your DH can let them know why if there are issues.

Op, nearly every single post I read, where the Mil is un reasonable, won't listen, tend to have sons who cannot stand up to them.

And no wonder why, they are like tanks. Their way or the highway. Those poor boys raised in this way!

You need to have a word with your DH about backing you up. Otherwise she’ll sense the opportunity to drive a wedge.
Do not leave your child with this woman.
And she’s wrong about the allergies. You can wait until 6 months and your child may still have multiple food allergies. Or not.

My MIL is much, much older than me, she’s actually old enough to be my mum’s mum so things had changed a lot between her having a young family and our DC being born. She came out with all sorts of stuff that modern thinking would reject as unsafe but it can’t have been too bad as she had 5 very healthy children who are now very healthy middle aged men and women

That's not the point. Even if it were fine to feed 10 week old babies solids, the OP has expressly asked her MiL not to and her wishes have been ignored. If she doesn't set boundaries now, the overriding of her wishes with regards to her own child will continue ad infinitum.

Her husband needs to back her up on this or it will cause divisions.

Blowingthroughthejasmine excellent point. They have raised sons who cannot stand up for themselves so no they are not a paragon of motherhood.

namechangeninjaevervigilant As others have said, babies have died from eating at that age, so 'endangering our baby's life' is very apt and is not overly dramatic at all.

And as someone else also said, smoking in an enclosed car was accepted back then, (and that IS endangering babies lives), that 5 children grew to adults is merely the luck of life. It doesn't mean smoking with a baby in an enclosed car is safe or isn't endangering their life. The 'they survived and are healthy adults' is an excuse/red herring. It certainly is not a justification.

@diddl Sun - I know a lot of stuff is "guidelines", but has it ever been the case to introduce solids at 10wks??It was 12 weeks when my eldest was a baby but I was advised by the GP to start him at 10 weeks as he was a ravenous monster.

Same with me- 23 and 21 now. DS weighed about 12lbs at birth and was on baby rice stuff by 10 weeks.

Have you read all the threads here about how the dh doesn't back up the wife in these situations?

Time for a big chat between you both so that you know how to deal with this situation and others that will crop up. You have to be united, as you know.

But personally I would hardly ever see the woman. She sounds nasty as well as unhinged and thick.

YANBU. I think if it was me though, I would be having the 'explaining' conversation once, if it happened again (or in your case MIL intimated she would do what she wanted regardless) I would just not take the baby round again.

one of the reasons early weaning can be wrong is that grains are most likely to cause an allergic reaction and the advice some twenty years ago was things like baby porridge and baby rice.
I gave my DD just a teasp of pureed veg at 4 months cos she really wanted to eat. it was fine she has no allergy or stomach issues.
This was over 40 years ago and I have seen the fashions re feeding change but I would not give a baby under 6 months any grains and I also would always bow to the mother to say what baby will do. I am really anti controlling GP's. Mum should be in charge.

Well she sounds delightful 🤨. Your FIL sounds passive aggressive as well. If i were you I'd be a bit miffed at DH for not taking up for you and your choices. As others have said, don't allow your baby unsupervised time with them. I don't think its all that uncommon though. My lovely BIL fed my exclusively breast fed baby eggs (with runny yolk even) one time before i caught him. I was quite on guard after that. My husband had yhe attitude that his parents raised 6 kids and they all survived, but I just had to be hyper-vigilant because I know what was best for my child and i wasn't going to compromise that to spare someone having their feelings hurt.

I agree with others that it’s disrespectful and rude.

My FIL used to chew sweets until he felt they were soft enough to be given to 18 month old nephew

@BloomingHydrangea - Same with me- 23 and 21 now. DS weighed about 12lbs at birth and was on baby rice stuff by 10 weeks.

Ds was two weeks early and only weighed 6lb 12oz but was really long. He had a lot of padding out to do, so was constantly feeding. Baby rice at 10 weeks went down a treat with him.

I am very old and in my day we weaned babies around 12 - 16 weeks on HV advice. This was the general advice and the norm.

In spite of this, there is no fucking way I would think it OK to give a baby food at that stage now. The advice has been updated. Her age is no excuse.

Having said that, and you know what is coming, you have a DH problem.

If he won't back you up then PILS don't get to see you or baby. He can visit them alone. I say this fairly often, but he has to be more worried about upsetting you than about upsetting his mummy.

"DH is annoyed with me for even bringing up the subject"
Well, he needs to grow a spine. Those apron strings are well overdue for cutting. His father sounds like a PITA too. In fact, they're all just like each other!

YANBU. No way would my child be left alone with their grandparents. Neither of them can be trusted.

Don't bother giving your MiL any more explanations.
You need to keep it short, simple & direct:
"my baby is on milk only until I say she is ready, & that is the end of the matter" & NEVER leave DD alone with the arrogant disrespectful old bitch.

Sorry your partner is so unsupportive.
I would go as low contact as possible - NC if you can manage it.
I think you also need to be having serious words with Partner about protecting his child & sticking up for you.

You MiL and FIL sound like a pair of overbearing prize cvnts. Sorry for you OP