Should I send a text

[itsrainingnappies]

Ok so this a bit long so please bear with.

I have had a best fried since school. We will call her Alice. Alice and I also have a mutual friend who was Alice's friend first but also became a friend of mine although never as close as Alice and I. I will call her michelle

Michelle has A DC older than my DC who aren't yet school age. So does seem to have/want more freedom than I do.

Alice is hard to get hold of, no DC busy job social life etc. I always seem to initiate contact and when I do she reply's and we make plans. The last few plans we have had Alice has cancelled for various reasons forgotten it was a birthday, working late you get the picture. I forgave all this because these things happen. I text her arranging to go for a meal and got no response even though she left the last message as she would look and get back to me.

We had a plan to do something together I heard nothing from them in the lead up to this but on the day michelle text but didn't mention our plans. Due to various activities that day I didn't get round to texting back until much later but then got no response back. Michelle then rang a few days later saying they hadn't heard from me so her and Alice had been for a meal instead. I was so upset I made excuses and left the phone call.

I have heard from neither of them since.

This takes me up to now. I saw on Facebook they went out last night, with others who I have met before. Yet again no invite. It hurts so much and I feel really pathetic saying it. Due to young DC I know I don't have the options of being as free and available as they are husband travels with work so it can be difficult. But I would gladly host here or arrange a babysitter if I was invited. It's more hurtful as last year michelle regularly rang and I was a shoulder to cry on as she was really lonely didn't do anything etc etc.

So my question is would IBU to text them both and say how hurtful I find these things? I have typed out and deleted so many texts it's crazy. I want to but at the same time have very little no friends so I don't want to burn the few bridges I have but then make me feel so rubbish.

I don't think using words like "hurtful" will help. We can't all invite everybody to every occasion and people tend to respond better to positive messages.

E.g. "I'm missing you both, I can easily host something here or get a babysitter and it would be great to get out. Can you text me some dates that work for you please? X"

@MRex I see what your saying maybe you're right, but I am hurt. There are only so many times I can try and arrange something to be knocked back/ignored.

I understand and I'm sorry you feel abandoned by your friends. It's very hard to feel that you aren't a priority, but I doubt they're doing it consciously, just sorting out their own plans a bit thoughtlessly, and you could cause damage by making them feel "attacked". If you arrange you see them in person and then add a delicate "please invite me out a bit more" then it has a more positive slant.

How old are your DC, do you have any new mum friends to use as a soundboard?

I would want to text them too. I was going to suggest texting them to ask what’s going on as it seems there is a breakdown in communication somewhere.

What I don’t understand is:

We had a plan to do something together I heard nothing from them in the lead up to this but on the day michelle text but didn't mention our plans. Due to various activities that day I didn't get round to texting back until much later

If you thought you had plans that day, why didn’t you mention it? It sounds like you just didn’t do anything about it and they went out without you. Something doesn’t add up.

Sorry but YABU. Why not turn it into a positive and text her / them saying how it was a shamevyour dinner plans didn't work out and you'd love to see them soon and put some firm plans in place, then text the day before saying looking forward to seeing them etc.

To put it brutally, it sounds like you need them more than they need you.

I wonder if Alice feels your friendship has run its course tbh. Lots do tend to go a bit cold if people are at different life stages especially. How can you meet / make friends with new people?

The friendships wouldn't be one I'd keep pursuing tbh. Do you have other friends?

@nanbread brutal but true and you're right I do need them more than they need me. Stuck in a bubble with young DC I guess they are the link to the old me, pre DC

@ReeReeR this is what happened plans were arranged earlier in the week for the Saturday. As far as I was concerned these plans were sorted, They were coming to my house for food. It was on the day when Michelle text a generic message not mentioning our plans, I admit I should have been quicker to text back but it was a crazy day running around to various things with DC. I did text Michelle later on before the time they were due to arrive and got no response.

@shadowloveragain no not really. The odd acquaintance but not other friends. I'm working on getting myself out there a bit more at the moment starting to take an evening class in a few more weeks which should help.

I agree with others that if you text them about feeling hurt / ignored / rejected you risk turning this into something bigger than it is. Try and put the hurt behind you, stay positive and arrange something with them soon.

If they were coming to your house for food and you didn't reiterate the invitation them perhaps they did think you forgot. It would have been nicer if they'd said "are we still meeting tonight, shall we go out?" instead to let you back out of hosting if you wanted, but we aren't always gracious.

Your urge to tell them how you feel is totally understandable, it's just unlikely to lead you to the best outcome.

If you download the Hoop app, you can sign up to a lot of free baby classes, so you could get out to a bunch of different things and only join one when you feel you're likely to make friends with other mums. I've made some friends by just asking "is anyone free to do for a coffee / to the playground now?" at the end of class; if they aren't then no problem as it's not a fixed plan, but someone wanting a friend might take you up on it.

So it may be that the issue is about staying in as opposed to going out. I know it may sound harsh but when DC were younger and I couldn't get out as much, I didn't always want to 'waste' a babysitter on going to someone else's house - since I spent so much time at home anyway. Maybe this is the issue but they don't want to say so?

Its very strange that they had plans to come over and then went out without you. Could they have thought it wasn’t a set plan or that you had forgotten or something?

I don’t know if this is the same but I had plans to meet a friend for lunch on Wednesday last week. She has form to sometimes forget. We hadn’t arranged a time and place. Anyway I texted her in the morning saying sorry I haven’t been in touch (I’d had a lot on) but let me know if you still want to meet or we can rearrange. I genuinely didn’t mind either way as I was free but I’d had a stressful few days too. I thought she’d forgotten so texted her but if I hadn’t then we definitely wouldn’t have met up.

A think a text proposing a meet up is a good idea. Invite them over again maybe. If they keep excluding you then you can do better.

As far as I was concerned these plans were sorted, They were coming to my house for food.

Were these loose plans, or actually sorted ones?

If you'd made loose plans to meet at say 3pm for some food; and then exchanged texts at 10am without it being mentioned, it could be that they presumed it wasn't happening anymore. I have a few "flakier" friends and they often make a suggestion that we could do X on Y day but when Y day comes; they're busy with their kids or whatever, and nothing happens. I do now go out or do other stuff if it's not mentioned the day before or that morning.

But if you had solid, come round to mine for 3pm and I'll make dinner type plans and they didn't show, that seems meaner. I'm guessing they didn't think this was the case, or they wouldn't have text you in the morning.

I'm on the other side of this to you, I'm the last one to have kids and I get that they change things massively and people struggle to make plans like they used to. Now it's the other way for me; I'm the harder one to pin down as I still work full time and they're mostly off!

I wouldn't message them that you're hurt, I think it'll alienate you all and it sounds like you want to stay friends. I'd just try and arrange something soon, or leave it for a bit but acknowledge you may then drift apart more.

You didn't make an effort on the day you had all set aside and are wondering why they may have moved on? Perhaps you need to apologise and initiate another day you could meet them.

With regards to the plans to come to my house. The reason for Michelle's phone call a few days later was to say that she didn't want me to think she had just forgotten our plans but as they hadn't heard from me since originally arranging she didn't think it was happening. IABU I suppose I should have replied to her quicker on the day, but she remembered we were supposed to have plans why not text to see if I wanted to go along when they ended up doing the other thing?

OP I agree that when she texted you she could have mentioned the plans rather than they just go out on their own. I don’t know whether it’s more awkward because they were supposed to come to your house and she didn’t want to impose if it seemed you’d forgotten but generally I’d say she should have mentioned it rather than wait for you to do so.

But the fact she texted you suggests she was testing the water to either confirm plans or cancel plans.

You will know whether they have form to cancel plans or not.

I am taking on board what you are all saying so going to send this what do you think?

"Hey how are you guys? Saw you were out last night. Hope you had a nice time? Give me a text next time would love to see you both.

I would maybe not mention they saw your were out as it’s a bit awkward? I’d just suggest a meet up. I don’t know what you usually do but it could be sorry it didn’t work out the other night. Are you free to come over next weekend? Or ask when they are both free to catch up. Just my opinion.

I agree - better not to mention last night and organise something new.

Good idea thanks. Will text them now just a casual hi how are you both? When are you free to meet up? sort of thing...

Sounds good OP

Let us know how you get on. Hopefully it was all just a misunderstanding.

Just text to arrange to see them. Don’t mention their night out, it sounds a bit like you think you’ve caught them out!