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Original poster

Should I send a text

51 replies

itsrainingnappies · 28/07/2019 11:56

Ok so this a bit long so please bear with.

I have had a best fried since school. We will call her Alice. Alice and I also have a mutual friend who was Alice's friend first but also became a friend of mine although never as close as Alice and I. I will call her michelle

Michelle has A DC older than my DC who aren't yet school age. So does seem to have/want more freedom than I do.

Alice is hard to get hold of, no DC busy job social life etc. I always seem to initiate contact and when I do she reply's and we make plans. The last few plans we have had Alice has cancelled for various reasons forgotten it was a birthday, working late you get the picture. I forgave all this because these things happen. I text her arranging to go for a meal and got no response even though she left the last message as she would look and get back to me.

We had a plan to do something together I heard nothing from them in the lead up to this but on the day michelle text but didn't mention our plans. Due to various activities that day I didn't get round to texting back until much later but then got no response back. Michelle then rang a few days later saying they hadn't heard from me so her and Alice had been for a meal instead. I was so upset I made excuses and left the phone call.

I have heard from neither of them since.

This takes me up to now. I saw on Facebook they went out last night, with others who I have met before. Yet again no invite. It hurts so much and I feel really pathetic saying it. Due to young DC I know I don't have the options of being as free and available as they are husband travels with work so it can be difficult. But I would gladly host here or arrange a babysitter if I was invited. It's more hurtful as last year michelle regularly rang and I was a shoulder to cry on as she was really lonely didn't do anything etc etc.

So my question is would IBU to text them both and say how hurtful I find these things? I have typed out and deleted so many texts it's crazy. I want to but at the same time have very little no friends so I don't want to burn the few bridges I have but then make me feel so rubbish.

OP posts:
pictish · 28/07/2019 13:10

I understand that this making you feel rejected but Alice and Michelle are allowed to meet up without always including you...just as I’m sure you have met with Alice without Michelle and so on...

Regarding the Saturday food plans...they obviously thought the idea was off the table and met up anyway.

Your text is a wee bit pointed tbh. I saw you went out (you’ve been caught), I hope you had a nice time (like fuck I do), next time give me a text, (don’t arrange anything without me again).

Try to gain perspective here...and also put yourself about a bit more. Xx

Arnoldthecat · 28/07/2019 13:19

DO NOT text them,,just bin them off. If they cant be bothered to contact you /inclide you then feck em. Find new friends to replace them and then if they do ring,,well tell them YOU are too busy that night.

Original poster
itsrainingnappies · 28/07/2019 13:20

@pictish fair points and I don't expect to be included all the time at all. It's not possible with where am at in life compared to where they're at and that's fine. But I think a quick text to see if I'm free would be nice that's all. I would hate to think I had made either of them feel like I do.

OP posts:
LIZS · 28/07/2019 13:20

You need to suggest a couple of dates if your availability is usually more limited. Don't mention last night or fb.

Original poster
itsrainingnappies · 28/07/2019 13:21

@Arnoldthecat have you been talking to my DH? Grin

OP posts:
marns · 28/07/2019 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

timeisnotaline · 28/07/2019 13:35

I’d not mention they were out in your text and be very positive about you’d love to see them.

ReeReeR · 28/07/2019 13:38

Be “breezy” 😁

Yabbers · 28/07/2019 13:51

Will text them now just a casual hi how are you both? When are you free to meet up? sort of thing...

Or, take the hint.

Arnoldthecat · 28/07/2019 13:55

If you text i feel you will regret it,,bin them off..

Boysey45 · 28/07/2019 13:56

I'm really sorry but they are not really bothered about being your friends. Alice especially. Don't be texting or anything. I'd let them go because they have gone already really.
Look for new friends who want to be with you and have availability. Join some things, some meet up groups or something. Don't be chasing after these 2.

ReeReeR · 28/07/2019 14:01

I think if OP wants to remain friends with them there is nothing wrong with sending a text. It sounds like a misunderstanding. If they do it again or don’t want to meet up then OP will know

I think you’d regret not trying more than you’ll regret sending a friendly text

LollyBmummy3 · 28/07/2019 14:03

Sadly friendships come to an end just like other relationships. I wouldn’t contact either of them again, let them come to you. My (ex) bf of 20yrs now has a new group of friends, I don’t see her often. Maybe only 4/5x per year. I was very hurt by this to begin with, but I’ve accepted this now. Since then I have reconnected with an old friend I’d lost touch with. We have lots in common and get on great. We do things together often and ex bf who was also friends with this other friend wasn’t happy when she found out we were back in touch. I told her I was lonely and I needed a friend and she was there for me, she couldn’t argue with that. I have also made a few friends via my children, not close close relationships but friendly enough for the odd coffee/meal/drinks out and play dates with kids. I know it’s hard but maybe there is someone you already know that could fill that gap like there was for me, if not you need to look elsewhere. You’ll be ok! Flowers

Lweji · 28/07/2019 14:06

By all means send a last text asking when they are free next to meet. If they are vague and find excuses, that's your definitive answer.

Arnoldthecat · 28/07/2019 14:12

Friends,just like any other relationship have a power balance element. IMHO OP has become an unequal partner in this friendship. If she goes no contact and they dont bother to contact her well it confirms they dont value her. Remember ,,scarcity increases value.

ReeReeR · 28/07/2019 14:14

scarcity increases value.

OP is talking about sending one text, not chasing them until the end of time

Original poster
itsrainingnappies · 28/07/2019 14:16

Wow @Yabbers kick someone when they're down why don't you. I might be having a hard time with my friends but glad I don't have to call you a mate!

OP posts:
Yabbers · 28/07/2019 14:19

@itsrainingnappies

Feeling is mutual. I wouldn't enjoy being chased when I've made it clear I'm not interested.

KingPenguin · 28/07/2019 14:23

If you're always initiating contact and Alice is cancelling a lot with crap excuses then it does sound like the friendship has run its course.

itscallednickingbentcoppers · 28/07/2019 14:25

If I was invited to someone's house for food I would no way be texting on the day to ask if I'm still invited Confusedyou should have text them on the morning saying everyone still ok for 3pm, we're having lasagne or whatever.

IvanaPee · 28/07/2019 14:31

@Yabbers ODFOD

@itsrainingnappies send the text but do so knowing that there will be times they don’t meet up with you/go out together.

Nobody is worth feeling bad about so if their friendship makes you feel insecure/rejected, it’s probably not worth pursuing.

Merryoldgoat · 28/07/2019 14:32

I don’t under all the pussyfooting around.

If someone invites me over and I don’t hear from them I text them an ‘oi, are we still doing drinks at yours on Friday?’ Etc and expect either ‘shit - totally forgot’ or ‘of course - see you at 7’

I don’t send loosely coded messages and it is weird of you both to not firm up arrangements on the day if it’s all casual - I’d have expected her to mention it and you to reply pretty fast.

However, if you have to chase your friends, then something is amiss. I had a friend like that - I realised I always initiated things through a 10 year friendship. I decided to see how long it would be before she contacted me. I’m still waiting 4 years later.

Have a real think about the dynamic of your friendship, who is ‘in charge’ etc? Does that work for you?

Yabbers · 28/07/2019 14:34

@IvanaPee

I'm good, but thanks for thinking of me.

insideoutsider · 28/07/2019 14:50

Sorry OP, I'm not trying to make you feel bad but hear this:
If they are not including you in plans, it's not an accident. The dignified thing to do is to take a hint, let them be and move on with your life.
Do not send any text.

EmeraldShamrock · 28/07/2019 15:32

Dont text them, as hard as it is your lifes are in different places, they are not prioritising you in their life.
I know your hurt but personally I'd lick my wounds and wouldn't bother contacting either of them again.

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