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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit put out at dh calling me from our bed telling me to keep the dc quiet.

99 replies

SilkClayFlowers · 28/07/2019 08:34

To be fair he was working till about 11pm last night but it was his choice to stay up alone till gone 2am.

The boys are 15 months and 6 years (with the older one having added ASD for maximum noise!)

I found his tone and the fact it was delivered via the mobile a bit off. It’s not like he called me from the East wing, we live in a tiny cottage so he could have just called down. Grr!

OP posts:

Pinktinker · 28/07/2019 10:47

So he had the opportunity to easily get 8 hours sleep by the sounds of it but didn’t take it and is now complaining because his children are making noise? Does he ever take responsibility for them or do you do everything?

herculepoirot2 · 28/07/2019 10:50

“She should plan an outdoor activity” - what, every day? When it’s 30 degrees or in the pissing rain? When the kids want to watch a bit of TV or she needs to get three loads of washing done? Children making a bit of noise is just life. I would agree if he worked actual nights, but he doesn’t. He could get up at 9am and enjoy some of the day with them, rather than choosing to stay up 3 hours after he finishes work. I’ve done it myself.

RaggeddeeAnn · 28/07/2019 10:50

When do you start work? What sort of job? Do you Do biphasal sleep? I know lots of people who sleep for 3-4hrs, get up and get kids off to school and then go back to bed for another 4hrs.
If you really are only getting 3hrs sleep a day, you are headed for a heart attack, breakdown, etc. It’s not “lazy” to need more than 3hrs sleep a day but good self care.

DecomposingComposers · 28/07/2019 10:55

So he had the opportunity to easily get 8 hours sleep by the sounds of it but didn’t take it

How do you work that out?

namechangeninjaevervigilant · 28/07/2019 10:56

I’d go out and buy them whistles and toy drums and then get them to rehearse a very special concert for Daddy when he wakes up.

DecomposingComposers · 28/07/2019 11:00

I’d go out and buy them whistles and toy drums and then get them to rehearse a very special concert for Daddy when he wakes up.

How nice. Maybe daddy should leave his job and then be able to live normal waking/sleeping hours, no matter what financial struggles that puts the family in huh?

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 28/07/2019 11:31

SummerSix Sun 28-Jul-19 10:45:23
I work till 10:30pm most nights, getting home at 11. Falling asleep between 1-2am.

I still get up with my daughter at 5:30am.

Lazy prick.

Tell him to get his fat ass up and help care for his children.

Even though there is another parent there perfectly capable of looking after the children?

At the point the OP was posted he had had about 6 hours of sleep - which is actually a good night sleep for me - but maybe he normally gets up in the week earlier and sees the weekend as time to get a bit extra sleep? I know I do, I average about 3-4 hours of sleep most nights, but Saturday morning is my lie in and I catch up on sleep then, and I do expect DH to keep the kids quiet.

Anyway, for a pretty non event the OP now has a bunch of strangers slagging off her husband when all the poor sod wanted was for the kids to be quieter so he could sleep.

Pipandmum · 28/07/2019 11:39

I often text between floors in my house - hate shouting and too lazy to go up the stairs every time I need to tell my kids something!
You seem happy to do the morning routine and fair enough!

VenusTiger · 28/07/2019 11:45

I don’t agree with his shouting or ordering, but I would certainly be trying to keep the DCs quiet for a couple of hours if I could anyway.

How many people come home from work and go straight to bed?

Also, tiredness makes the best of us really cranky. Tiredness is awful.

Let it go over your head and speak to him about shouting as it’s not on. But I’d be doing my bit to teach the DCs that DH works late and needs to sleep at a different time to the rest of the family.

There’s no tolerance left anymore is there!

francienolan · 28/07/2019 12:48

I've had jobs where I have to work until 11 or 12 at night, and it is impossible to come in and go straight to bed. But when you work evenings you have to invest in earplugs or just get used to the fact that the world wakes up and makes noise before you do in the morning.

Raspberrytruffle · 28/07/2019 13:29

That's when I would be getting out the Hoover and paying extra attention to the stairs

Aprillygirl · 28/07/2019 13:30

Tell your ridiculous husband that they are kids, kids make noise and if he doesn't know that by now he obviously doesn't spend enough time with his, so you are off out and he can get out of his pit and see how good he is at keeping his children quiet

DecomposingComposers · 28/07/2019 13:33

How delightful!

Nautiloid · 28/07/2019 13:33

It's actually really hard to go to bed the moment you get in from work. You need to wind down and also feel you've had an evening. If you've worked until 11, I think it's probably ok to still be in bed at 8.30.
In this case though I think YANBU purely because of the phone!

DecomposingComposers · 28/07/2019 13:39

I would be like a bear with a sore head when I worked lates or nights. The slightest noise would wake me up and then I wouldn't get back to sleep. I would be nearly dead on my feet by the time it came to go back to work. I too have called down before asking my husband to keep the noise down or to take the children out. Maybe he should have told me to get up and look after the kids as he was going out a la Aprillygirl above.

LordRudolphVII · 28/07/2019 13:41

Most people who don't work nights just don't get it IMO.

Would they be happy with the kids screaming around the house at 4am? Probably not...

But it's hard to judge the situation as an outsider. If they were being really noisy as kids often are and acting as if there was nobody staying up then yes I'd say he's not being out of order asking for a bit of peace.

A guy recently died at a customer's car plant after a colleague dozed off, took his foot of the brake, and rolled forwards, crushing him between the two vehicles.

LordRudolphVII · 28/07/2019 13:42

Acting as if there was nobody sleeping upstairs that was meant to be.

Aprillygirl · 28/07/2019 14:03

How delightful!

About as delightful as a man pressurising a woman to keep their kids quiet after he has chosen to go to bed at 2am!

LordRudolphVII · 28/07/2019 14:15

As others have pointed out, him going to bed at 2am is like you going to bed at 6pm - hardly a long time to unwind after work.

BillieEilish · 28/07/2019 14:21

2 am is an utterly reasonable time for him to go to bed.

He will also had to eat, shower and unwind in order to be able to sleep. Ready for the next days work. Hell, maybe mumsnet or watch TV for a while.

He did not choose to go to bed at 2am, that was his body clock FFS.

BillieEilish · 28/07/2019 14:22

Anyway, he'll be on his way back to work now, hope he got some rest.

The DC's can scream all they like.

DecomposingComposers · 28/07/2019 14:41

About as delightful as a man pressurising a woman to keep their kids quiet after he has chosen to go to bed at 2am!

It's not about " choosing* to go to bed at 2am. It's about shift work screwing up your body clock so that normal sleep hormones are disrupted. The reason why advice is to not watch TV or use mobile phones in bed - the light interferes with processes that make you sleep.

At 9am the op says the children have been up since 6am so if his sleep has been disturbed since then that isn't fair on him. Expecting him to go to work having had 4 hours sleep and having been awake for 9 hours before he starts work isn't reasonable.

He's going to work, not out partying. A bit of consideration might be nice.

Original poster

SilkClayFlowers · 28/07/2019 15:02

Well this has been interesting and I don’t mean that in a sarky way. When he got up he I took everyone out for a cafe lunch and then took the boys for a walk so he could get more sleep.

I agree as a former shift worker about not switching off the m9ment you get in but him sleeping was never thE AIBU question. It was the way he was ordering me to keep them quiet via a grumpy phone call that got me. He’s not a prick though. He put together an insanely hard garden toy and entertained our older ds whilst I slept with little ds.

And too the poster with 1234 in the name I don’t see ASD as a shit parenting free pass. As you said there’s a spectrum. He’s on the one to one TA at school and constant exclusions end so not easy. I do my best as a parent than, you.

OP posts:

beccarocksbaby · 28/07/2019 15:29

YABU IMO

As someone who worked shifts for a long time I get that getting home at 11pm doesn't mean going to bed then. People don't come home from work at 5 and then go to bed, they unwind, relax and switch off from the day.

If he got to bed at 2am then being woken at 8am when you actively say you're happy to be up with the kids it is not fair to be annoyed that he wants to sleep.

I would much rather my DH call down than shout through the house. Given that he has had about 6 hours sleep at that point his tone could be forgiven.

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