To be a bit put out at dh calling me from our bed telling me to keep the dc quiet.

[SilkClayFlowers]

To be fair he was working till about 11pm last night but it was his choice to stay up alone till gone 2am.

The boys are 15 months and 6 years (with the older one having added ASD for maximum noise!)

I found his tone and the fact it was delivered via the mobile a bit off. It’s not like he called me from the East wing, we live in a tiny cottage so he could have just called down. Grr!

So he's worked til 11pm, then spent 3 hours winding down. That seems very reasonable. Most people work til 5 then spend 5 hours winding down. They don't get in from work and go straight to bed.

I agree. Most people don't go straight to bed as soon as they get home.from work at 6pm. Working shifts is awful for the effect it has on your body and sleep patterns. What time does he start work? If its 2 or 3pm then again, most people don't get up 6 or 7.hours before they start work do they?

So he's in bed, half asleep and he texts you to keep the dc quiet but some pp think he should get up to ask you?

That doesn't make sense to me. Why get up, or even shout, when you can send a message? What is the point of getting up, walking about, having conversations when you can send a text that says the same thing and gives you a better chance of getting back to sleep?

He’ll be in again for 3pm. To clarify I’m not denying him a lie in. It’s just the bloody phone call and the impossible task of keeping them quiet.

He didn’t text. He called me, talking me to keep them quiet.

It's rude to call you to ask you to keep the DC's quiet. He could have got out of bed and spoke to them himself.

Because that will wake him up properly I presume, making it even harder to get back to.sleep given that it's light outside so your brain thinks you should be awake. He's had 6 hours sleep and needs to be back at work for 3pm so would have already been awake for 7 hours by then. That's really hard. How many people who start work at 9am get up at 2am?

I would like 3 hours winding down after work, too, but I have kids. If they are up, I don’t expect them to make no sound. I don’t get three hours ‘winding down’ unless they are asleep. He is being impractical. Would it not be better for him to go to bed at midnight and get up at 7, then he would have 8 hours in which to not work?

But no, he wants to stay up and have ‘his’ time before staying in bed in the morning and trying to get the OP to do the impossible.

Tell him to buy some ear plugs and don't be so bloody rude, they are his children as well.

I work until 11 sometimes and I never come straight in to bed. You need to wind down. So I don't think he chose to stay up until 2am - it's not normal to go straight to bed

I'm firmly on the side of DH who is trying to sleep and has to go BACK to work this afternoon.

You should have a bit more sympathy IMO.

This is his nighttime.

Oh ffs on here if a man dares not immerse himself in childcare for the remaining 12 hours a day after working a 12 hour shift to relieve the SAHM then he’s obviously an arse and LTB. 🙄

It was probably better than shouting OP.

Take them out. We are both police and work a full shift pattern, fortunately we can both sleep through a landslide as decades of shifts kills any normal sleep routine. I would take dd out if dh was sleeping if there were any chance she'd keep him awake.

It isn’t rude to call you when he needs to sleep later due to shift work. However he does have better choices and shouldn’t be putting all the onus on you to keep your kids quiet. He could wear earplugs or accept the noise, get up and take a nap before work for example.

Christ alive some people are obtuse

Given the available options, I think him calling you was absolutely fine, as opposed to shouting from one room to another or physically coming to you which would have probably excited the children further.

I'd say probably nobody gets in from work at 6pm and goes straight to bed. And I'd say probably nobody gets up at 3am when they start work at 9am.

His day essentially starts and ends at different times to yours. You have to have a way to make that workable for the 2 of you.

Of course you can go straight to bed when you come in from work. I have worked shifts: 11-8, home for 9, bed for 10, back in for 8, work until 5, home for 6, bed for 10, back in for 6. Not fun, but you can do it. He is perfectly capable of adjusting so that his ‘night’ ends in the morning. He doesn’t work ‘nights’. He works late days.

You have to have a way to make that workable for the 2 of you.

There is a way. He compromises, not calls his wife to ‘quiet’ the children at an hour when they will naturally be awake. He isn’t the only person in the house.

they are his children as well.
That he is working to support, allowing the OP to be a SAHM. DH and I often message each other in similar circs. Don't see the issue myself but then, I've been the one in the bed trying to grab 4hrs sleep before the next 12 hr shift

If I am trying to sleep, it is a lot more disruptive to have to get up and go to speak to someone, than to just call them. My kids are a bit older now, one has his own phone. I texted him yesterday morning to be quieter because he was shouting at a friend over the Xbox. I wouldn't be in the least bothered by DH calling me. Shouting down would be far ruder.

How is 3-11 a 12 hour shift?!

I used to work night shifts too. My new job is only daytime though to fit in around the family.
I appreciate it’s hard.

I’m not denying him his right to stay in bed but he knows what it’s like trying to keep two lively children quiet. We usually go out but it’s horrible out there.

What does he do, OP? Out of interest. Quite a few of the knee jerk reactions here make it sound like he’s down t’ mines. 3-11pm folks, is 8 hours, not 12, by the way.

I have worked shifts: 11-8, home for 9, bed for 10, back in for 8, work until 5, home for 6, bed for 10, back in for 6.

But in those examples you went to bed 2hours and 5 hours after you finished work.

The Op says that he worked until 11pm. So even using your times he wouldn't have gone to bed until 1am.

I often used to work until 11pm and went to bed as soon as I got in. Couldn't sleep though because my brain was still awake. So even if he went straight to bed it doesn't mean that he would sleep.

Op it is hard on you because your days are really long but then he's working to support the family. It's not like he's out partying every night and then refusing to get up early because he's hung over is it?

Of course you can go straight to bed when you come in from work.

YOU can. I envy you. A lot of people can't, including me. I get in at 10 often after really stressful work that requires my brain to be very active right to the finish and I simply can't switch off so quickly. It definitely will take me till at least 1 to sleep, so yes three hours.

Why do so many people think that the way it is for them is the way it therefore is for everyone?

You need to find a way to make it work for both of you OP. Does he wear earplugs? Could you take them out for a little bit? Agreed it isn't a lie in, it is his timetable, tricky as it is.

This would really annoy me.

My 5 yo has asd so I get how loud they can be. But it was your dh's choice to stay up alone until after 2am. If he was that tired he should have gone to bed earlier.

DH stayed up for 3 hours after getting in.

Presumably he had to eat/shower?

If he got in at 6pm, that would be equivalent to going to bed at 9pm.

It is entirely reasonable of DH. It was not 'his choice' it was his body clock FFS. OP asked if she was BU, she is.

Hey! Employee! Get the damn children under control! The boss of this house needs his sleep!