To be a bit put out at dh calling me from our bed telling me to keep the dc quiet.

[SilkClayFlowers]

To be fair he was working till about 11pm last night but it was his choice to stay up alone till gone 2am.

The boys are 15 months and 6 years (with the older one having added ASD for maximum noise!)

I found his tone and the fact it was delivered via the mobile a bit off. It’s not like he called me from the East wing, we live in a tiny cottage so he could have just called down. Grr!

That he is working to support, allowing the OP to be a SAHM.

That’s quite an assumption to make.

Turns out OP isn’t a SAHM. Why did you assume she was?

YouJustDo , what a ridiculous comment to make.

Oh gosh, I called down to tell dp to tell the dc to be quiet after a night out.
I wouldn't mind Dp doing it either as he also works shifts. I do get how hard it is to keep them quiet on a shitty rainy day op, I have been there.
I just don't think your DP is in the wrong either.

I actually don't see the problem I'm afraid.

He finished work at 11pm and went to bed at 2am - so three hours of downtime between work and sleep. That's normal, isn't it? If you finish work at 5pm you don't come home and go straight to bed!

I have worked shifts: 11-8, home for 9, bed for 10, back in for 8, work until 5, home for 6, bed for 10, back in for 6.

That's still not going to bed as soon as you get in from work though!

I understand where he’s coming from. He may have stayed up until 2 to help switch off before bed. I would cut him some slack and speak to him later when he’s up. No point now as knackered arguments are always the worse.

Sorry, but another one who thinks YABU. Absolutely spot on comments from many here about minot) not immediately going to bed after a very late finish. I just couldn't do it when I was working like that and definitely had to have a couple of hours wind down. As for the texting, he's trying to get sleep. Getting up would rather screw that up, so meh, can't get excited about it. You're of course right that you don't just get to switch the children off and silence them easily. He should consider some quality ear plugs if this is a regular problem, but many of the nasty comments about him here are very harsh and unfair.

As a mother of an adult ds with asd with his comments on keeping the children quite especially one that has asd tells me that he obviously doesn’t have much involvement with them or understands what it means to have a child with asd.

My dh worked shifts for many years and he never made a comment to try to keep him quite or take him out because he knew how difficult and unpredictable a child with asd can be.

Going against the grain here. We have a house rule that you’re quiet til everyone’s up. It’s good manners and an important skill for children to learn self restraint. There is much more than tv that’s quiet.

Plus anyone who works shifts knows how difficult it is to switch off after work. He is allowed down time too.

Oh and as my dh and father who also did shift work once said, if you choose to do shift work you can’t expect the world around you to keep quite because your trying to sleep.

Earplugs.

I'd have told him to stop being rude and put some earplugs in if he doesn't like it. You can't always keep young children quiet and it's their home too.

I don’t think most shift workers ‘choose’ shifts like they’d choose a cheese sandwich. It’s often an industry norm where there’s no choice at all.

if you choose to do shift work you can’t expect the world around you to keep quite because your trying to sleep.
It's not always much of a choice unless you count the choice between shift work and having a roof over your head and food in the fridge.

And I hate it when people say you can’t keep young children quiet. You can! You teach them. Children are sponges. If you teach them to whisper/play quietly in the mornings, they naturally will. Both mine were able to do this from baby age - even before they could talk they knew mornings were quiet because WE were quiet. It so fucks me off that parents fail to parent in this way and visitors allow their kids to scream and shout when someone is sleeping close by. Biggest bugbear and so rude.

I understand additional needs might make things trickier but that doesn’t put partner in the wrong. You have to find a solution not blame your partner for needing his sleep.

So he's worked til 11pm, then spent 3 hours winding down. That seems very reasonable. Most people work til 5 then spend 5 hours winding down. They don't get in from work and go straight to bed.

^This

I don’t understand why you’re offended by him calling you. If I had to get out of bed to have a conversation with children that would definitely wake me up too much to get back to sleep - plus in my experience, with children that age, that would then mean the kids think of him as awake and are more likely to make more noise/ try and engage him.

Put their wellies and raincoats on and take them out jumping in puddles.

Yes, shift work certainty isn't a choice. For us it really is a difference between being able to pay the mortgage and do the food shop.
My DP doesn't really like doing shift work, but he does it. It does mean I have to pick up a bit of the slack occasionally, I don't really like doing but I do.
We both get a bit fed up with it all at points, him with trying to sleep when everyone else is awake and me with trying to get things done quietly or by myself.
No one is in the wrong though, we are just muddling along.

And I hate it when people say you can’t keep young children quite. You can!

An utterly ridiculous comment from someone who has either no understand of what its like having a child with asd or who has never met someone with a child with asd.

You can’t unfortunately just turn the volume down on them and depending on the severity of asd you can’t negotiate with them either as I have first hand experience of.

I have significant experience of children with ASD. The definition covers a massive spectrum of both negative and positive traits. Many people with ASD deal with these kind of rules really well. SOME kids with ASD night struggle, but many won’t. An asd diagnosis is not an overall parental cop out card, which many people on mumsnet seem to believe. In this case the op isn’t even trying to keep her kids quiet so the jury’s out on whether her own child could theoretically comply.

I don’t see the problem either. If he finishes at 11, presumably it takes a while to get home, then grab something to eat / drink. Then wind down for an hour or so. When I’ve worked I need a bit of mental down time to separate myself from ‘work mode’ into ‘home mode’ and process what’s happened in the day (not going into actual role). It’s not unreasonable to have this IMO.
Also I’d prefer a text or mobile call than yelling through the house !

We can sit here all day and argue the rights and wrongs of this. The fact is, they have children. You can’t guarantee that small children will be silent all morning. It’s not a fair expectation. There are adjustments he could make and he isn’t.

I’ve worked late shifts and you cannot come home and go straight to bed. Your sleep/wake schedule is completely off and your body needs time to wind down before sleep. So getting off at 11pm and in bed at 2am is reasonable. It is also reasonable to expect that your partner would keep kids quiet or take them for a walk or to the park for a few hours the next morning so you can sleep. She said she is in a tiny cottage so it’s even more important to give him peace and quiet. finally, using the phone to ask for this is actually very nice because it keeps the request private. To get up or call out could hurt the kids feelings- or your tone of voice could be misheard. Honestly, she should plan an outdoor activity if the kids are boisterous or a quiet one like painting pictures or crafts if the kids are bored.

This! My youngest is ASD, Aspbergers, and my eldest is ADHD. Even when they were 2 and 4, if I was working late sometimes to midnight, my husband was perfectly able to come up with ways to keep the house quiet so I could get my sleep done. He’d take them to the park, or a nature walk (even in the rain...jumping in puddles can be fun). Or if they felt creative they’d play with pkaydoh, build a spaceship with cardboard, paint pictures for me or bake something. There is more you can do than TV and yelling “quiet”

I work till 10:30pm most nights, getting home at 11. Falling asleep between 1-2am.

I still get up with my daughter at 5:30am.

Lazy prick.

Tell him to get his fat ass up and help care for his children.

Earplugs are not a silver bullet. The job I had included being on call. I couldn’t use ear plugs because then I might miss a recall alert. Besides, I think it is rude to know your partner has been working their ass off late into the night but to just bounce about the house not doing anything about loud kids with no consideration for their need to sleep.
If the kids can’t be kept amused with a quiet activity, get them out of the house. 3hrs uninterrupted sleep is mire restful than 8hrs of tossing and turning in a noisy house.

I feel for you OP. He needs to get earplugs and accept the realities of having kids means noise in the house.