to ask if you do more than your DH

[macbooksticker]

On almost every single thread on here I see predominantly women talking about them buying DC clothes, what type of cleaning they do, food ideas which they cook, the washing that they do etc

Is that just for ease of typing instead of saying we do? Or do many women tend to do the majority of domestic chores. I honestly thought we moved into a slightly more equal world as DH and I genuinely split things equally and it wouldn’t cross my mind to do things any other way?

Dp does the most housework and childcare of any partner I know, but I still do more than him. It is hard for both of us to fight subconscious expectations about gender roles we grew up with, despite both being committed feminists. It is particularly hard to equalise the mental load I find.

It's definitely not 50/50 in my house but i get home 1st and like to just get on with things. My partner has a pretty physical job so is exhausted when he gets home. But he does do all the DIY which at the moment there's a tonne of. I dont buy his clothes though!

My DH does the 50:50 that I tell him to do but if I didn't tell him it wouldn't get done. He literally wouldn't even feed the kids if I didn't remind him. Nevermind all the appointments etc. He's a modern man but the 'mental load' is very much beyond him. So frustrating.

@signedup
But why on earth are you with a man who wouldn’t know to feed his own children

@Stompythedinosaur I get that 100% but if you both realise that it’s simply patriarchal gender roles holding him back from doing more, don’t you try and do something about it

Yes I do more than DH but we do have a cleaner so I don't get lumbered with everything

I work less hours but have always done more even before having DC and going part time

The main reason is that DH has very low standards and isn't even vaguely house proud, he would happily live in a hovel so it's not so much a case of him leaving everything to me as if I wasn't here he would still leave it!

He will do basics like washing up, loading & emptying dishwasher and laundry

It is bloody frustrating but the only solutions are LTB (which I have considered!) or be a massive nag

No. We share everything so both work and both do the house stuff. I didn’t want a partner who subscribed to the theory that women do the house stuff and don’t work.

Hopefully it will stand the DC in good stead and they will copy by example.

Dh works full time; I finish work at 3pm. Consequently, I do more of the children stuff and housework than him.

I’m absolutely fine with that - his is a job that you cannot do part-time, and he earns a large amount of money which sustains our lifestyle.

At weekends, we split everything pretty equally, but that just isn’t practical during the week.

Most of the couple I know where both work the husband dies do more than say a generation or two ago but the woman still seems to do majority of child related things - like arranging play dates, dental appointments, making sure they have the right games kit, permission slips signed, parent teacher night in diary...

He would feed them eventually when they screamed with hunger but other people's needs just don't cross his mind. He is a kind, gentle man and he loves his family and believes in equality but he never had to think for himself or about anyone else. His mother reminded him when to get birthday cards for others and when to go to the dentist. He doesn't mean it but he goes through life with these blinkers on focused only on his immediate needs. It has taken years to get him to consider other people. 'caring' is just not a role that is valued by men in his family. We r changing that slowly but it is frustrating.

Stompythedinosaur I get that 100% but if you both realise that it’s simply patriarchal gender roles holding him back from doing more, don’t you try and do something about it

Why do women stay with abusive men who beat them? Very easy for you to cast judgement when you are in an enviable position of being with a man who already gets it. Working on changing someone is exhausting especially when a person's absolute warts and all true colours are rarely revealed until later in a relationship, often after children come along

You don't sound like you want to understand at all why women find themselves in this situation, you sound like you want to judge

I don’t feel like I do dramatically more than DH but there are a few jobs that I don’t think he has EVER done. I genuinely don’t think he realises that I clean the bathroom most weeks, and jobs such as wiping kitchen cupboard doors down wouldn’t even cross his mind! I feel like I’m in charge of the running the house, but he’s a very hard working assistant.

@FizzBuzzBangWoof We have a cleaner as well but DH hasn’t ever tried to use it as an excuse. He’s not house proud you say, does that mean that he would live in filth if it wasn’t for you? In which case it’s a bit sad as he’s clearly always had a woman cleaning up after him

It’s mainly me but DH works more hours than me at a physically demanding job. However since I found out I was pregnant, he’s done most of the cleaning unprompted and heavy things etc. When I return to work I’ll be part time so I imagine I’ll pick up more household tasks and childcare related tasks. But he will pay the child care costs when I go back to work. It works for us.

@teddypasty I’ve been in an abusive relationship before so please don’t lecture me on that.

I’ve also been in relationships and married my ex who didn’t do anywhere near as much as me and was lazy. I decided that I wouldn’t bring my DD up in that environment where she thought cleaning and cooking was women’s work and her dad gets off because of the hours he works. Not true nor fair. So I gave him the chance to change, he didn’t and I walked out

I think over the year DH and I even out to about 50:50, but it's seasonal. So during term time DH does a bit more than me, he cooks, cleans, does laundry, and does the school run one day a week (he works 4 days, we have a lovely cm who does the school run those days). During the holidays I do all the childcare, and take over the household jobs too, because I have the time to do stuff in the holidays (I'm a teacher)

So we work out as roughly 50:50, but all of my friends have much less equal relationships. Most of my female colleagues have sole responsibility for feeding, clothing and ferrying around their children, even though they work ft just like their husbands.

We don't have DC together yet (30 weeks pregnant). DH works 50 hours a week and I am not in work at the moment. He does the majority of the house work and cooking is about 50:50. I have no doubt it'll be similar or closer to 50:50 when I have the baby but I will have the baby through the day.

I think my DH does more than me. Actually, I know he does.

@Msawesomedragon

Yeah that makes total sense as you have holidays off and he makes up for it term time

@macbooksticker His Mum died when he was 13 (after a few years of illness) and he didn't meet me til he was 30 so he definitely hasn't had a woman cleaning up after him

After his Mum died, he and his Dad muddled along and only did the basics I guess he is just got used to living amongst a certain level of dirt and clutter (his Dad was a hoarder too)

@macbooksticker well you breezily said it "wouldn't even cross your mind to do things any other way", which is rather at odds with what your saying now. Someone with your relationship history should be able to understand exactly why women find themselves trapped in these situations?

My DH does far, far more than me. I’m the main earner by a huge margin-I work long hours and he contributes by doing the lions share at home. He cooks, does housework, DIY, gardening and cars. I do more laundry as I like it and most financial admin. But its very unequal but not in the conventional way.
We do have a cleaner too.

My parents were very equal though too, my Dad was the high earner but he did huge amounts at home. So my “normal” through childhood probably influenced my expectations, and I was born late 70’s!

@daisypond Good on your DH for challenging gender norms
@NeverHadANickname When I have my next baby, DH and I have agreed on a similar thing

I couldn't be bothered to count up the actual hours but I always use the expression 'who has more free time?' and I have loads more free time than my DH. He works very long hours, plus long hours travelling - I have a local, part time job, hours I can choose myself. He spends a lot of time with our DS when he is not working, they both love sport & he spent years as a volunteer sports coach, team manager etc & they enjoy going to loads of sporting things together. They've always had weekends & holidays away together as well following their interests. Doesn't bother me at all, I love peace & quiet.

I tend to do more cleaning but DH shops & cooks & clears up about half the time, happily does a pile of ironing, shoves washing in the machine, does all the gardening. It works for us & I don't think either of us feels hard done by but we both use our own strengths & skills. He was always involved in school stuff & was a school governor for a time.

My DH definitely does more housework than me. I do the DIY and look after the finances. Wasn't intentionally planned but that's just how it's panned out over time... he hates it if I doing washing... apparently I hang it up wrong to dry! 🤷🏽‍♀️🤣