to ask if you do more than your DH

[macbooksticker]

On almost every single thread on here I see predominantly women talking about them buying DC clothes, what type of cleaning they do, food ideas which they cook, the washing that they do etc

Is that just for ease of typing instead of saying we do? Or do many women tend to do the majority of domestic chores. I honestly thought we moved into a slightly more equal world as DH and I genuinely split things equally and it wouldn’t cross my mind to do things any other way?

I'm amazed that anyone would be surprised that most women still do more domestic work than men - vastly more in most cases. You'll get MNers who claim to have fantastic husbands who do half of everything etc who will say 'just don't go out with a man child' as though it were as simple as splitting apart your family because of housework. Women are conditioned to run after men, men are conditioned to be useless and selfish. Patriarchy doesn't do anyone any favours.

I do a bit more because I work less. But DH does loads. I think it averages out as a fairly even split. I sort out things like shoes, clothes, school uniforms etc for the DCs. We jointly sort bills (we seem fairly unusual on MN in that all our money goes into one joint account from which we both spend and pay bills). I tend to do the food shopping as I do most of the meal planning and cooking. He's a competent cook and does probably one family meal a week but I'm better so it stands to reason that I take on most of the cooking. He does weekend breakfasts and usually Saturday lunch though. He cleans the kitchen, I do the bathrooms. We both do the bedrooms etc. He does lots of laundry as do I (when WHENNN will the baskets be empty?!!). I don't do bins. He doesn't do loos. We each have household jobs we prefer/hate least so logical to take those on. At no point has there ever been an expectation for me to do more, it just falls that way some weeks. We are the same senior level at work, I just work fewer hours because I do more of the childcare (he would have happily reduced his hours but I wanted to do it). My time not at work though is spent primarily on childcare so if there are days where I've not managed to do any housework because I've been busy it's not an issue, we just sort it out in the evening instead.
This wouldn't work for some households but it does for us. It doesn't matter how the split falls as long as all involved are ok with it.

@FizzBuzzBangWoof I’m sorry about your DHs mum

@teddypasty It wouldn’t cross my mind to do it any other way as that’s simply conforming to sexist patriarchal stereotypes and I think once you have kids it’s unhealthy to expose them to such dynamics as your girls will grow up wanting to do those domestic chores and your boys thinking their wives will do them.

All the women on this thread and on mn in general aren’t in abusive relationships because some of them have lazy partners So yes I do judge women who expose their children to those dynamics if they aren’t being abused and pressured into staying, then it’s clearlu different

OP - perhaps you need to change the title of your thread to "AIBU to ask if you do more than your DH so if you answer yes I can berate and judge you"

The majority of us didn't set out to find ourselves in this position and the reasons are varied and complex but you sound smug and superior rather than genuinely interested

For example in my house:
We are lucky enough to have a lovely cleaner who does quite a bit
of our cleaning but I do all cleaning when she’s not here. I do all special occasion cooking (Christmas etc), all weekend cooking, 3 weeknight dinners. DH does two weeknight dinners, all the washing, takes the bins out, does weekday breakfast for DD and DSDS if they’re running late and all bills for both of us.

I usually take the washing in but we spilt that fairly equally, we split the household stuff like school permission slips etc.

There’s probably more things we both do but that’s a vague list as it isn’t set in stone

Yes I do more, way more. DH has (very) early retirement, I’m part time due to health reasons yet I still do more housework and definately do, whatever attempt at housework he does do, far better.
This mostly results in me moaning “oh if only my house husband bothered to do X Y Z while I’m at work” which men’s both of us are naffed off. Him because I am endlessly moaning, worn out and pissed off that I have to cook every night and me because I feel I should be able to walk into a spotless house and a meal prepped for dinner.
It isn’t going to change.

@sorry

But surely you shouldn’t accept that. I know it’s tiring, I have been there before but why are you staying with a man who wouldn’t clean if you weren’t there! You’re his wife, not housekeeper!

@StompythedinosaurI get that 100% but if you both realise that it’s simply patriarchal gender roles holding him back from doing more, don’t you try and do something about it

Yes, obviously we do. Dp actually does a huge amount, and I think most people from the outside looking in would think he does half. He works compressed hours around the dc, and is an active dad and partner.

But the fact remains that I am more likely to clean the loo while I am passing, or know that the dc need a certain item for school, or to pick up shopping we need on the way home. I am the one who maintains relationships with other parents who will help with childcare emergencies or swap lifts to activities. I am the one who arranges birthday parties and christmas presents, and buys new clothes for the dc. None of this is because dp doesn't believe he is equally responsible for our dc, but the world and our upbringing within a sexist society still pushes us towards certain behaviours.

My OH does more than me. We both do a big clean together one day a week but he’ll cook more during the week and he does more washing up and clothes washing than I do. We both work from home so neither have long commutes or physically demanding jobs. He does most admin too actually. I might need to step up!

@Stompythedinosaur Society stops your Dh from noticing that the loo needs cleaning

We both work full time. I do the majority of the domestic chores. My OH is super lazy and I gave up nagging as it's easier to just do it myself. I hate living in a mess whereas I think he would genuinely be fine with it.

Tbh ex did probably the same if not slightly more in the house. I did work much longer hours though.

My DH is a SAHP so definitely does more childcare and housework. I tend to organise holidays, kid clothes and activities. I'm home a reasonable amount during the week and tend to take over looking after the kids when I finish work/get home. But I would say DH does 90% of the housework!

DP isn't very proactive concerning the DC's social calendar. He doesn't know DC's friends well enough to buy them thoughtful birthday gifts. He also doesn't know how the great re-use carousel of the attic works and which bag of 'older sibling hand-me-downs' contains what, nor when it's due for deployment. He doesn't keep an eye on school uniform with a view to replacing outgrown items. That annoys me a bit, but he's great with the rest of it and were we to get down to actually working it out, he probably does more of the day to day cooking, cleaning, shopping, packed lunches etc than me. From early spring through the summer he works his socks off on his very productive allotment, keeping us in fruit and veg, in addition to heavier maintenance jobs and sourcing and processing all the wood for the winter.

Whatever needs doing gets done by whichever of us gets there first. Probably 50/50 I would presume. Except he does all the cooking and DIY because he enjoys it and I absolutely hate it. I do all the ironing because it’s basically standing still watching the telly. And I take care of the financial admin. Otherwise everything else is picked up by either of us whenever it’s needed. I’m on maternity leave currently and he’s at work.

DH does way more than me in terms of physical work but I do all the household stuff. We have a cleaner.

I've wfh for many years now, he's always been the highest earner with more working hours but he's just way more domesticated than I am.

He's now retired and I'm almost retired and he still does more than me. It works for us.

@StompythedinosaurSociety stops your Dh from noticing that the loo needs cleaning

No, it conditions him to feel less responsible for it than I do.

I am actually a little bit sceptical when people announce that their relationships are completely equal. It just seems quite unlikely to be true.

@stompy

I can honestly say that my dh does not feel less responsible for basic chords than me. He is a feminist and would consider that a disgusting attitude to have. Dh works long hours in the city and earns much more than me and yet would still clean the loo if he saw it was dirty. Even if his usual role wasn’t to clean and it was to cook instead perhaps

Oh to have a cleaner! We are both lazy bums at heart and I would love one but I feel because I have a few days a week where I'm not working we should be able to manage it between us. It's silly really. I think when my youngest is at school and I up my hours a bit I will treat us to one. Slightly concerned the house will have to be relatively tidy in order for someone to clean it though...

DH does a lot more than me as he’s retired and I work full time. I do stuff at weekend though. In the past, he worked full time and me part time and I did most stuff so it’s all worked out evenly

I do

All cleaning
Cooking
Laundry
Kids admin...school/appointments
Shopping

He occasionally loads/unloads dishwasher at weekend's.

I'm a sahm of school age children so am fine with it and think its a fair division.

When I return to work, it will have to change.

Though we don't have kids yet so I appreciate it's a bit different for us, we are generally 50/50 for housework, erring on the side of DP doing more. It was never a question for us, we just worked out a system that worked for us when we moved in together. E.g. I clean the toilet, sink, and counter, he does the bath, tiles, and floor in the bathroom. He does the washing I put it away. He washes the pots I dry and put away. He does nearly all of the cooking, I do nearly all general tidying up.

And this is a bloke who had never had to cook or clean in his entire life till we moved in together! It really wasn't hard to fall into a fairly equal pattern.

my partner does more than me as he does the driving(holidays every 4-5 weeks,daytrips or educational trips most days)and the house work as im up all night with my youngest so as we sleep in hes up before us and cleans,he als does the shopping as the kids dont like supermarkets and as hes the driver its easier to go alone

i do the washing though as he dont get the complicated machine(its electric not a dial)

as for the kids he does just as much as me and always did

we never had a typical working/sah arrangement as he was a sahp the same as me then we both became paid carers(carers allowance)at the same time so as a family of 4 we are together 24/7

Macbook

I imagine most decent men don't consciously believe that woman are more responsible for the housework, and yet the trend for women doing more continues. Because we are all products of the society in which we live. I don't think these issues are quickly or easily solved for most people, and I think than truly equal relationships, where all tasks including mental work are equally shared, are astonishingly rare.

DH does all the grocery shopping, all cooking, all ironing and virtually all laundry and childminder drop offs. I clean, garden and bed make, unless he’s away for work, in which case I do everything, but he makes up for it by being extra hands-on once he’s back. Both work FT, one seven year old.