to ask if you do more than your DH

[macbooksticker]

On almost every single thread on here I see predominantly women talking about them buying DC clothes, what type of cleaning they do, food ideas which they cook, the washing that they do etc

Is that just for ease of typing instead of saying we do? Or do many women tend to do the majority of domestic chores. I honestly thought we moved into a slightly more equal world as DH and I genuinely split things equally and it wouldn’t cross my mind to do things any other way?

Mine gets back from a 10 day work trip and empties the bins/unloads the dishwasher before taking off his coat. It's bloody annoying TBH as it smacks off 'nothing is done round here unless I do it'. They can't win .

@Stompythedinosaur, we have one. I had a very patriarchal upbringing, but it’s perfectly possible to undo your own social conditioning. I don’t think men’s penises prevent them seeing cobwebs, buying birthday cards or being able to sweat an onion, and I certainly wouldn’t have spent my entire adult life bustling around after someone incompetent in normal everyday tasks.

I am actually a little bit sceptical when people announce that their relationships are completely equal. It just seems quite unlikely to be true.

I wouldn't go quite that far but I do think it's really, really hard to have a fully equal relationship if you've been raised in an unequal society (like 21st century Britain). DH and I are pretty even in what we do, and he does a bit more childcare - but we both sometimes naturally assume I'll do certain things until we stop and think about it. For instance, our childminder just gave us notice (nightmare!) and I just sort of started sorting it out alone until DH actively pointed out that he should really be doing it as he's currently on holiday (teacher).

We also recently had a really good and honest conversation where he admitted that he sometimes struggles with not feeling like it's unfair that he does so much more than every other man he works with - that even though he knows intellectually that our set up is much fairer, he can still feel a little hard done to and have to give himself a talking to. I'm sure he'll get much criticised on this thread for admitting that, but I think it would actually be surprising if a man didn't feel like that - societal expectations of dads are so low that I think men who actually do their share are encouraged by almost everyone to think they're extraordinary!

You'll hate our division. For context we dont have children so no childcare to divide up. I do a mainly computer or client based job with occasional very long days with a lot of driving, but flexibility to choose when I work and it's in no way tiring. Mr Noodle works in a full time physically demanding job outside, only cancelling if it's literally storming. He comes home dead on his feet. I do all of the shopping, cooking and cleaning. He does the laundry (although I tend to hang it up) and does the tidying/bedmaking etc. I think it's an even split rather than by length of job, but who instead who is best placed to complete the task efficiently with the energy they have. 50/50 isn't always allocating jobs in an even number or by the amount of time it takes.

I do considerably more than dh with the dc (including all School stuff) and also take care of pretty much everything financial. I also do more every day house work but he tends to do most of the cleaning at the weekend and he also cooks more. We both work 45+ hours a week in term time and it’s a juggling act at times!

Mine does just as much as me. Who does more probably peaks and troughs. He has recently dealt with loads of opticians stuff related to the kids and he does more bed times than me at the moment. He does arrange play dates but I have more friends than him so I do more play dates. He buys clothes for them, new tooth brushes etc. I wouldn't have married someone who wouldn't do at least half. My career is just has important as his.

Yes I do most of the housework but forever trying to get him to do more. I have to write him a list of jobs I need help with. He'll do them no problem for fear of my wrath but if I didn't ask him to, it simply wouldn't occur to him to do anything.
He's started doing the grocery shopping recently but only after multiple, multiple arguments over his laziness

Remember jobs are not always jobs to everyone - washing the car is a job, but only some people think the car needs to be washed every week, some once a year. What is 50/50 on car washing there?

Most household jobs are a mixture of the minimum required to survive, and generally maximising everyone in the families happiness, so for the car example it means sometimes you wash the car more than you need to make your family happier, and sometimes you do more of that chore than your partner 'cos you're the one who cares.

Rarely would it ever end up in 50/50 if you actually counted up the chores, especially over a short period (say when someone is busy with a hobby), but counting up chores is not how a family should be run, it's about making people happy.

My dh does more than 50% as I'm disabled and there's lots I can't do.

We have cleaners once a week who do bathrooms, kitchen and floors (hoover and mop). I do most of the meal planning and cooking and day to day admin (school mainly). He does more cleaning, all health appointments (he's a doctor so that makes sense!).
Our dc are biggies (15,17,19) so do a fair bit to help on a rota we've always had - dishwasher, laundry and general tidying. I supervise this as I'm at home.
He does his family admin - cards, presents etc and I do mine, except I always organise Mother's Day for some reason (I don't mind, I love my mil).
He has to do all driving tasks which is where it pitches over into him doing more as I'm medically unfit to drive. So I can't go shopping without him (can't walk to the nearest bus stop), need him for evening things for the kids though I do use taxis (paid for by the mobility component of my PIP). And as they get older and more independent this is less of an issue.

I'm lucky - I know I shouldn't look on it that way as this is how it should be - but I think we really do share the load.

Yes overall, but we play to our strengths. I'm organised, DH is not, so I take care of all the admin and the "mental load" (this is tiring). But in return he does 99% of the cooking, most of the cleaning, all of the odd jobs round the house eg hanging pictures, painting, sealing the bath etc. I'm on maternity leave but otherwise work 4 days a week and him 5 so other than my one day off, we split the childcare. I tend to do more of the at home childcare and he does more activities out eg softplay and swimming.

OP, can I ask.how old you are and how long you have been with your H, and if you have kids?

Also, would you say it is internalised misogyny that you judge and berate women for doing more than half, instead of judging and berating men for doing less than half?

I do almost all of the household chores and admin, but DH works 5 days a week from 8-7pm whereas I’m home on maternity leave.

When I’m back working I will expect him to help more, but I would still buy all the kids clothes as I wouldn’t like his choices!

DH generally does his share, my biggest annoyance is he doesn't notice things. So I'll be feeding ds and putting him to bed (bf it has to be me, DH does bath and PJs), he'll go downstairs there will be a load of wet washing in the machine and he won't see it, the dishwasher will be nearly full, but he won't think to put it on until after dinner in which case there's sometimes too much for one load. I refuse to tell him what to do, but will sometimes say 'i put some laundry in a little while ago' or if he's been slacking 'is your penis getting in the way of your eyesight again?' . He is good with DS and knows his routine, how to settle him, what he likes to eat, favourite games etc, as he ought to. I wouldn't tolerate him not feeding his own child then call him a wonderful man like a PP!

I'd say we aim for 50/50 but DP is just lazier than I am.

We take cooking dinner in turns, same for the washing up. He is a very hands on dad to our son. Whilst things like hoovering, mopping and laundry I tend to do because I'd rather just get it done than wait for DP to eventually do it.

I do choose DSs clothes, Christ knows what he'd end up in if DH was given free reign

DH does more than me and he works FT in a busy job (I’m on ML). I in no way carry more mental load than he does and I’m enormously grateful. In fact I feel guilty as I really should do more. I’m a naturally lazy person and he’s a naturally active one, also naturally tidy and house proud and likes cooking. He also pays most of the bills and orders our online shopping and meal plans.
I organise most stuff to do with school/ nursery - like clubs/ play dates/ parents’ evening slots etc. I organise DC dentists/ Drs and the dog grooming sessions etc and during the week I’m solely responsible for sorting out the dog and her walks (obviously).
He does DC Hair appts though (random!)
We have a cleaner who comes every other week so we both pitch in and top up. He probably does most of the washing but I’ll get them out of the dryer and fold them..
He does the bins most of the time.
He also makes sure I get some time at the weekend to have a bath or a tiny lie in (break from 15 week old DS). He’s awesome.
I’ll try and make sure he gets some time to go running once he’s recovered from the snip.

I do a lot more housework and childcare than my DH because I work part time and he works full time. I think if you add up everything we both do, I have slightly more free time than him.

However, by going part time I have compromised my career progression and earning potential. I don't mind because I love my job and find it really interesting and rewarding, and I also love the extra time with the DC, but I recognise that it could be a problem if we were to split up.

I do: most of the food shop (dh picks up bits as he works near a Sainsbury’s), 90% of the cooking, all the washing, most of the ‘mental load’ (who needs what/when). 70% of the help w revision (teens).
20% of the lifts

DH: most of the taxi-ing around (80%)
Maybe 10% of cooking but I include his own food prep ie lunch
The bins (90%)
Clearing up after dinner - 50%

He does work much longer hours whereas I’m p/t and t/t only so that’s a big caveat. He also has elderly parents to sort whereas mine are no longer with us.

I feel he does enough, but he contributes to a lot of mess which pisses me off. I’d also like him to cook a bit more on the weekend.

I know couples where the husband won’t even cook his own dinner if the wife is going out - he’s expect her to do it and her heat it up. That would not be for me! Dh and I lived together pre-marriage so I knew the score.

Yes I do. DH does the vast majority of DIY which generally happens once a month because we bought a doer-upper, he also does the gardening. He will sometimes cook but I usually do it and I’d say I do 99% of the cleaning, definitely all of the laundry. I change 99% of the baby’s nappies too which is irksome and do the majority of his baths, also am in charge of clothes shopping in the house.

No, I do far less than him.

Tbf, people don't tend to talk about the things they don't do. For example, I never post about gardening or mending the car, plumbing, electrics, changing skirting board, decorating, cooking etc as DH does that. I post about the things that I do do such as my share of the childcare, cleaning etc.

My husband usually works 11hr days during the week and i work 6 i work a saturay am and he worked on and off on a sat.
Im off for 4weeks just now i take child to all aftives he makes food and genarwl kitchen tidying i do general tidying and cleaning think its quite balanced he buys shoes and clothes for her a d is a fab dad

I honestly don’t know why women put up with this. If you start dating someone and it becomes apparent that it just ‘doesn’t cross their mind’ to do household tasks you don’t have to continue the relationship!

In the live in relationship I had with a guy with kids from a previous marriage and actually some very sexist views, he did far more than me, because I am the type where needs/duties beyond my immediate personal whims don’t occur to me. I’m also incredibly lazy and have lower standards of cleanliness and hate cooking and wasnt interested in running around trying to maintain a show home, or managing other people’s needs when they were perfectly capable of attending to themselves. I must have missed that bit of female socialisation.

If I really think about it I do more than dh.

We both (up until I went on Mat leave two weeks ago) worked full time and we have ds who is 22m.

Dh usually sorts dinner, meal plans and food shops.

I clean up after dinner, do dishwasher, laundry, and probably the majority of the cleaning. I buy ds’ clothes (with joint money), I do the majority of the house admin and nursery admin. I do the cats admin (vets appointments flea treatments etc - because he never really wanted a cat in the first place).

I do it because if i don’t and leave it to dh it won’t get done.

I don’t do cards and gift organisation for his family the exception being our nephews. He does these (or doesn’t). I don’t arrange time for Fil to see ds. Dh does this (or doesn’t). He deals with all things garden (or doesn’t - which is why we still don’t have a table for outside and he wants to invite “everyone” for a bbq).

I’m usually safe in the knowledge that if he suggests we do something and then says he’ll sort it he either doesn’t bother or leaves it right to the last minute and then can’t do it. Eg inviting friends round for a bbq a couple of weekends ago. He got all the food and drinks. Then asked me if I’d sorted a table and actually invited people. I said no because he said specifically he would do it all. And all means all. and being 37 weeks pregnant at the time I didn’t want people around the house so sad happy for it to not happen. All food was frozen so didn’t go to waste

I wouldn't say we're 50/50 but I get us as close as I can.

We have a cleaner weekly but both have our assigned jobs: I do washing, food shopping and meal planning, he does dishwasher, bins and garden.

We take it in turns, one cooks and the other does bath and bed.

However, I do most of the weekend event planning, buy most of DS's clothes and a lot of mental load stuff such as gifts, holidays, drs etc...

I'm happy that DS sees his Dad cooking, ironing, washing up and other domestic chores so the balance feels ok to me.