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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU About my partners drinking habits?

70 replies

Jade218 · 27/07/2019 20:51

My partners drinking is starting to create problems between us.

He drinks alcohol pretty much every single day and claims to not have a problem. He drinks one or two drinks on these days and then perhaps three or four weekend nights with very few rest days from alcohol.

He has been drinking every day the last 7 days. We were out last night and he had about ten drinks although it was a special occasion. What’s really wound me up though is he just sat down again tonight with a drink!

Why can’t he just give it a rest some days? He is adamant that he isn’t reliant on it because he drinks when he wants to not when he ‘needs to’.

I feel that drinking every day is a problem and that you are relying on it if you can't go without.

I am also very worried that we have spoken about starting a family. I have issues with his drinking for two reasons;

1.	I find it inconsiderate if he feels it reasonable to drink every single day if I were pregnant when I give up alcohol for nine months to carry our child

2.	I don’t want my future children seeing their father feel the need to drink every single day

AIBU about some, none or all of this??

Does it has anyone else had similar experiences or feelings?

OP posts:
Countrylifeornot · 27/07/2019 20:59

I speak from bitter experience, don't have children with him unless this issue is resolved, don't assume he'll cut down, he'll probably just drink more.
I was naive and assumed my DP would grow up when I got pregnant, he absolutely didn't and I felt so lonely and miserable in our relationship. Things are ever so slightly better now but if I could change one thing it would be his drinking. I'll probably end up leaving him over it.

Babymamamama · 27/07/2019 21:04

YANBU. You’ve answered your own question. Don’t start a family with this man. There are no indications from what you have posted that he would want or indeed be able to reduce. So many posters on here with issues with their partners drinking and unable to leave due to having children with them. Don’t become one of them.

PeoniesarePink · 27/07/2019 21:04

He's an alcoholic.

Only you can decide if you can live with that.

But don't bring children into it Flowers

Original poster
Jade218 · 27/07/2019 21:11

He won't even entertain conversations about it. His default response is let wait until you're pregnant?!

I told him obviously not as it's too late at that point. I managed a few weeks ago to push him to discuss it and he simply said yes I'll cut down or I won't drink in front of you. But he said this only once and I think he said it to shut me up and get some peace he didn't seem sincere.

I love him and don't want something like this to come between us. I started this post so that I can go through the responses with him as he has up to this point made me out to be mad, overreacting etc so I need to prove a point that I'm not being unreasonable!

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 27/07/2019 21:11

Has this always happened or has it built up? At different times me and DH have sometimes drank like this: we’ve always had a couple of drinks on a Friday and Saturday night but when things have been stressful the wine in the week crept in. For my part I know that it was a way to wind down from the day and it was actually having children that taught me different strategies as while pregnant I didn’t drink.
I also used to address it as a health issue with DH, talking about people who we knew who were dependent and how it was making us put on weight. I also spoke to him about not using it as the only way to relax.
I think before you have a family with him you need to know that he can not drink particularly as you’ll need him not to around the time you go into labour and in the early days sleep deprivation and alcohol dong mix well.

Original poster
Jade218 · 27/07/2019 21:15

Yes I've also addressed it as a health issue and his response is to google and find studies that prove daily drinking is not harmful.

He has always drank every day since I've know him. Been together ten years since our early twenties at a time when I guess you don't pay attention to this kind of thing so much.

He says one day is not a dependency. I get to differ, something you do every day is a dependency.

OP posts:
expatinspain · 27/07/2019 21:15

Some people have a glass of wine every day and a few more at the weekend. It's different than sinking a bottle every night. You and him have incompatible drinking habits. He'll see you as controlling and you will perceive him as having a problem with booze. It's going to be a spiralling row. My DP barely drinks and gets irritated if I get pissed on a night out. I go out fairly infrequently, so maybe three/four times a year I'd let my hair down and get pretty pissed and the rest of the time I'd drink one or two drinks, maybe once a week. It's honestly caused so many issues, that I don't drink much at all now. Someone had to compromise or we would have split up. I think you need to resolve this before you consider having kids. There's nothing worse for someone who enjoys a drink than an alcohol bore and there's nothing worse for someone who doesn't drink much, and has an issue around frequent alcohol consumption, to be around someone who drinks every day, albeit just a glass or two.

Original poster
Jade218 · 27/07/2019 21:18

Also from a slightly selfish perspective the thought of not drinking for nine months is quite terrifying. And to see him guzzling alcohol daily when I have made such a big sacrifice for both of us to have a child already makes me resentful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jade218 · 27/07/2019 21:20

Perhaps resent is more for the fact that I find it would be tempting. Just like if I was on a diet I would expect him to support me and not eat kFC every day in front of me.

Hypothetically I think k it's the same thing, and when I am making a huge sacrifice to have kids feel he should be supportive and encouraging by respecting some of the things I'm giving up.

OP posts:
Cosentyx · 27/07/2019 21:23

Don't have kids with him. Just don't.

Also from a slightly selfish perspective the thought of not drinking for nine months is quite terrifying. And to see him guzzling alcohol daily when I have made such a big sacrifice for both of us to have a child already makes me resentful.

WTF? If that's your own attitude, you, too, have a very worrying attitude towards alcohol.

Original poster
Jade218 · 27/07/2019 21:26

@Cosentyx I'm not sure what's worrying about my attitude to alcohol?

Worrying about Nine months without something does not make me dependent.

Him not being able to go a day without it I feel does - it's not the same thing.

Unless you mean something else?

OP posts:
Grammarist · 27/07/2019 21:27

I had kids with a man like this, thinking that he'd calm down.
They don't calm down.
I'm now separated and he's a shit dad who will always put his pub visits and money over and above the children.

Cosentyx · 27/07/2019 21:30

Just like if I was on a diet I would expect him to support me and not eat kFC every day in front of me.

That's extremely unhealthy. 'Support' comes from within, wanting to not eat KFC whilst on a diet because you want to better yourself, feel better about yourself and your health, not co-dependent on others and their habits.

That's not a healthy dynamic and no place to bring a child into.

Cosentyx · 27/07/2019 21:32

You're feeling resentful that you won't be drinking if pregnant, OP and that this is a sacrifice. That's not healthy. And at any rate, don't have kids with him because this is who he is. He will not change. He sees nothing wrong with how he behaves. He's an adult.

Loveislandaddict · 27/07/2019 21:34

I goes through stages of drinking 1-2 drinks per night, and maybe a few more of the weekend. I actually think that it’s actually quite common. I was not dependent, and when I decided to only drink at weekends (more for financial not health reasons!), did so fairly easily.

In the past, they advised that men could drink up to 21 units per week, spread over the week. Does he exceed this? (It’s now reduced to 14 units recommended).

Original poster
Jade218 · 27/07/2019 21:35

I think he probably exceeds 14, perhaps not quite 21 unless it's a special occasion

OP posts:
PixieLumos · 27/07/2019 21:36

I suppose YANBU - he is drinking more than is deemed healthy but I wouldn’t say unusually or excessively so - but reading your post I felt a bit sorry for your DP - I thought you were worried about his health (and his drinking habits, although not unusual for many aren’t particularly healthy in the long run) but it turns out that your reasons for not wanting him to drink less are quite selfish and his wellbeing doesn’t come in to it at all. Not really sure what else to say... you’re attitude stinks a bit.

applepieicecream · 27/07/2019 21:36

I don’t think it sounds problematic and certainly not alcoholic. It’s a couple of drinks with a couple more at the weekend. It’s maybe a bit more than it should be but it really isn’t problematic

Cosentyx · 27/07/2019 21:38

He sounds like he's still drinking around the guidelines but you don't like it for other reasons.

Original poster
Jade218 · 27/07/2019 21:39

@PixieLumos - it is possible my distaste for his drinking to be for multiple reasons which include;

  1. His health
  2. My worry that he is alcohol dependant

And as already mentioned;

  1. Drinking throughout my pregnancy daily I don't think is supportive (yes perhaps this could be considered selfish but that's how I feel)
  2. Don't want my children seeing their father drink every day.

Just to clarify, it is because of all of these reasons I have a problem.

I'm a human being with feelings - I'm not perfect and perhaps some of the above are selfish but it's how I feel.

OP posts:
Cosentyx · 27/07/2019 21:41

Then don't have kids with him. You're not compatible and you can't change him.

Malvinaa81 · 27/07/2019 21:54

You are being totally unreasonable to expect him to stop drinking if and when you get pregnant.

But there may be a problem with the regularity and quantity of his drinking.

And if you can't handle that, and attempts to discuss it fail, as they always do in these cases, then you'll have to leave him, and find someone who basically doesn't drink alcohol.

PixieLumos · 27/07/2019 21:58

Fair enough OP. I suppose it’s a tricky situation because on the one hand we all know that drinking the amount you have described goes against health recommendations - but it is the norm for many, and many do drink this much and are fine - it’s not as clear cut as the risk of smoking for example. I’m afraid I do think it’s unfair to expect your partner not to drink because you can’t if you’re pregnant, but lots of people have different opinions on this. And the issue with drinking in front of the children - mine’s usually in bed if I have a drink, he wouldn’t know! It’s not like he’s getting drunk every night, so I’m not convinced it’s worth creating conflict between you.

Original poster
Jade218 · 27/07/2019 21:58

I don't want him to stop drinking yes u agree that would be unreasonable.

I would just prefer if he drank four out of seven nights instead of seven out of seven

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 27/07/2019 22:02

Don't have kids with him while you feel as you do.
If there's one certainty in this equation its that having children will bring far more stress into the mix and if he does use alcohol as a crutch he will do so more when dealing with sleepless nights and the inevitable curbs that come as part of having small children.
It's hard to tell from what you've posted whether he has a serious alcohol problem or whether it makes you uncomfortable for other reasons but you're unhappy with the level of his drinking now and it certainly won't improve with children involved.
Take this from someone whose ex blithely promised he would give up/cut down when we had children and whose drinking escalated.
It never gets better with kids.

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