AIBU About my partners drinking habits?

[Jade218]

My partners drinking is starting to create problems between us.

He drinks alcohol pretty much every single day and claims to not have a problem. He drinks one or two drinks on these days and then perhaps three or four weekend nights with very few rest days from alcohol.

He has been drinking every day the last 7 days. We were out last night and he had about ten drinks although it was a special occasion. What’s really wound me up though is he just sat down again tonight with a drink!

Why can’t he just give it a rest some days? He is adamant that he isn’t reliant on it because he drinks when he wants to not when he ‘needs to’.

I feel that drinking every day is a problem and that you are relying on it if you can't go without.

I am also very worried that we have spoken about starting a family. I have issues with his drinking for two reasons;

1.	I find it inconsiderate if he feels it reasonable to drink every single day if I were pregnant when I give up alcohol for nine months to carry our child

2.	I don’t want my future children seeing their father feel the need to drink every single day

AIBU about some, none or all of this??

Does it has anyone else had similar experiences or feelings?

My ex was exactly like this. He wouldn't even stop drinking round my due date. The only reason I let him drive me to the hospital was because it was 3am so he'd had a few hours since drinking.

Me "nagging" asking for alcohol free days just pushed him into hiding how much he was drinking.

It got worse once the baby arrived. We are now separated.

I think you are incompatible, the drinking clearly bothers you but if your partner has always been like this why assume he is going to change just to suit you? Presumably you knew this when you first met?

It doesn’t sound excessive to me, lots of people have a couple of glasses of wine with their evening meal every night (my DH & I do) but if your drinking habits are not compatible then separate before you have children.

Agree that the amount is not that high (but still harmful to health). It's the attitude that would worry me.

If he gets ratty when he can't have a drink, won't stop drinking for good reasons etc. then he has a problematic relationship with alcohol and it could get worse.

He has a problem with alcohol. You’d be absolutely out of your mind to have a child with this man!

@Ragwort yes he was like it when we first met but we were 23!

Most people drink too much at that age lol

Also, at 23 his drinking habits to be honest were not something I considered

@CaptainSense thank you

Even worse are the comments telling you that you're a bad person because you will be envious that he can drink while you can't!

I agree this doesn't make me a bad person!

I find it odd that no one else seems to be able to relate to this? Or even if perhaps you can't personally relate to it find it strange I would feel this way.

We are not talking one or two months without it we are talking a whole year if we include potential breastfeed time!

I can assure you I am a lot older than 23 & still drink most days, I really don't think it's an 'age' thing.

@Ragwort really you don't think generally speaking young people tend to drink more?

I'm not saying EVERY young person but most of us tend to go out clueing lots when younger and drink alcohol and get drunk more often than we do as adult so the point I was making is that regular drinking whilst young would have seemed more like normality to me. Drinking is a social thing for some people including me so when it becomes something you do every day whilst at home alone I see it as an issue

Hang on so he drinks less than 21 units a week?
Christ if that makes him an alcoholic as some on here have opined then I'm one too along with many millions of Brits.
He should be having 1-2 alcohol free days in the week but calling someone who drinks 14-21 units a week an alcoholic is absurd.

@Ragwort really you don't think generally speaking young people tend to drink more?
It’s actually older age brackets who tend to do the “glass of wine with dinner” everyday drinking.

You can still have a small drink (measue it too be on safe side) here and there while you are pregnant if you want. And drinking moderately while breast feeding is perfectly fine.

As @femidom12 says, his alcohol consumption appears to be at the top of the recommended limit so health isn’t really an issue. The UK tends to be pretty puritanical about alcohol, daily wine consumption is pretty normal in France, Spain and Italy. You probably need to have children with someone who’s teetotal, OP. Trouble is they won’t like your drinking then.

I find it odd that no one else seems to be able to relate to this? Or even if perhaps you can't personally relate to it find it strange I would feel this way.

Nope, can't relate at all and find it rather immature and needy anyone would feel this way. I mean, it's just biology, only females can get pregnant. In this country, it's a choice to become and/or remain pregnant, but in so doing, well, you take on the risks and health issues solely because females are the only ones who can conceive, carry and give birth to children. Why should anyone else have to go along as a pregnant woman does when he/she isn't pregnant? Why is it a 'sacrifice' when it's a free choice to be pregnant? That's just life!

I also don't see the issue with a glass of wine or two daily even though I rarely drink at all (it gives me terrible heartburn and I already have GERD for which I have to take prescribed medication) as long as one is moderate and uses their sense. My mother is European and usually has a glass or two a day, has done for years and she's nearly 80. Never seen her drunk in my life, or binge drinking, she's in great shape.

He drinks very regularly, as do I, but it doesn't scream 'alcoholic'. Seems to me like a 'continental' way of drinking, rather than the British binge ... but 12 drinks in a night not great ... . Don't see why he should cut down when you're pregnant, or why you're dreading 9 months without, though.

Drinking is a social thing for some people including me so when it becomes something you do every day whilst at home alone I see it as an issue

I'd agree with you if it was a bottle of wine per day, but a glass or two of wine each day is very normal in many parts of the world, albeit small ones as opposed to the very large glasses which are the norm in the UK. Saving alcohol for the weekend/social occasions often results in binge drinking, which is infinitely worse for your body than a regular small amount of wine.

I had one like this. He won't stop, he will get worse when there is a baby which he will justify by you caring more for the baby, not getting enough sex etc. I was always the nominated driver (even though he was adamant he could drive after a few), the money wasted on his drinking that then meant I got no treats, the irritability, the weight, laziness etc. It all just gets worse.

I would put to him that it is a deal breaker for you and if he can't stop, then that's it. You can't wait around for a man like that.

I grew up with parents who drank very much in the 1950s+ expatriate way. A beer or a couple of sherries before lunch, sherry before dinner and then a couple of whiskies at night. They died in their mid 80s and I know Dad was still in the same pattern when he was alone, because he enjoyed it. I never saw either drunk. I drank the same when with them but I can take or leave alcohol, doing without it even when others are getting drunk and for days or months at a time - I always have to think for a while when a HCP asks me when I last drank.

On the other hand, I got extremely fed up of my ex and his constant habit of pouring alcohol down his throat until drunk, and his drink driving. He couldn't do without it and couldn't stop at one or two. Note the ex.

I'm a bit 🤔 at your feeling that giving up alcohol for pregnancy is some big sacrifice. Sounds like your attitude isn't exactly take it or leave it either. You also seem rather controlling towards him. He may be on the higher side of the UK recommendations but does he get drunk or seem dependent? As others have said, it's not out of the ordinary in other countries to spread drinking out over the week rather than pour a bottle of wine down your neck on a Friday and Saturday. Binge drinking is worse.

You don't sound compatible at all. You will resent his drinking and he will resent your trying to control him. As I said, I can take or leave alcohol but I would be very unhappy with someone trying to dictate to me in this way.

My parents were/are exactly the same TwoPaws, and both now in their late 80s and in far better health than a lot of older people I know, not saying that is due if drinking of course but I don’t OP’s partner sounds like an alcoholic at all, just that they have different drinking habits. But if you are not compatible about this please do not have a baby with this man.

And speaking personally, I drank far less when I was younger, couldn’t afford it, not until I became a middle aged professional that I could afford a couple of glasses of wine with dinner most evenings .

Even worse are the comments telling you that you're a bad person because you will be envious that he can drink while you can't!

But you said terrifies not envious.

Your drinking isn't so different to his.