Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU About my partners drinking habits?

70 replies

Jade218 · 27/07/2019 20:51

My partners drinking is starting to create problems between us.

He drinks alcohol pretty much every single day and claims to not have a problem. He drinks one or two drinks on these days and then perhaps three or four weekend nights with very few rest days from alcohol.

He has been drinking every day the last 7 days. We were out last night and he had about ten drinks although it was a special occasion. What’s really wound me up though is he just sat down again tonight with a drink!

Why can’t he just give it a rest some days? He is adamant that he isn’t reliant on it because he drinks when he wants to not when he ‘needs to’.

I feel that drinking every day is a problem and that you are relying on it if you can't go without.

I am also very worried that we have spoken about starting a family. I have issues with his drinking for two reasons;

1.	I find it inconsiderate if he feels it reasonable to drink every single day if I were pregnant when I give up alcohol for nine months to carry our child

2.	I don’t want my future children seeing their father feel the need to drink every single day

AIBU about some, none or all of this??

Does it has anyone else had similar experiences or feelings?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jade218 · 27/07/2019 22:04

I agree that it's becoming the norm to drink like this and it shouldn't be.

I appreciate when the kids are young they'll be in bed so won't notice but as they get older it will become apparent dad always has a drink.

I also feel the reason he is this way is because his dad is exactly the same.

I've had another discussion with him about it which didn't go well. It's frustrating

I honestly do not want him to stop drinking, whether I'm pregnant or not that would be totally unreasonable. I just think he can cut down.

OP posts:
applepieicecream · 27/07/2019 22:08

OP or doesn’t sound like he gets drunk other than on the odd occasion. His drinking really doesn’t sound dangerous, it doesn’t Sound like his behaviour changes. What is he drinking? A couple of beers / glasses of wine, I wouldn’t be getting het up about it so long as it doesn’t start creeping up

PixieLumos · 27/07/2019 22:17

I completely agree that would be preferable - and if it was my partner I would advise (not demand) the same based on the health information we have. But he’s an adult, so it’s his decision and I think you need to respect that. I don’t think this can be classed as excessive drinking in real terms, other than causing this current conflict
between you it’s not negatively affecting his behaviour or ability to get on with daily life - so you need to either accept his wishes or like other posters have said, if it’s such a deal breaker for you and you’re really passionate about this stance on drinking, find someone more compatible. Hope you can resolve things.

Cosentyx · 27/07/2019 22:54

What about if he would prefer you ate salad with every meal? Or did 5:2 fasting? That would be controlling. He's not drinking outwidth guidelines, but you're seeking to control him because you 'prefer' it and for him to stop when you're pregnant because you are making a 'sacrifice' and would be resentful if he drank as he needs to be 'supportive'. It all sounds very controlling, monitoring and needy, tbh. Of course you're continually bringing it up didn't go well. He's an adult, he's not drinking excessively, he's allowed to carry on this way and I wouldn't like it, either, if my partner tried to control what I ate or drank.

You sound incompatible.

RhymesWithOrange · 27/07/2019 23:09

TBH it sounds like you both have problematic relationships with alcohol. Not drinking for 9 months terrifies you? Not good. How much do you drink now?

Your partner will not cut down unless he wants to, and he patently doesn't want to. You have to decide what your line in the sand is.

LittleCandle · 27/07/2019 23:10

XH drank every day he was at home. He worked away with no chance of any drink and claimed that he didn't need to drink. But it got to the point that he would go to the pub on his way back after a month/6weeks away and would be pissed when he came in. I put up with it for far too long because I was afraid of being alone with the kids. Truth was, I was alone with the kids even when he was at home.

If he can't just stop drinking, then it will get steadily worse. My XH drank at home as well as in the pub and wasn't even entirely sober when he arrived in the delivery room for DD2's birth. He'd been drinking whiskey at home. He was so pissed after DD1's birth that he almost got run down by a friend of mine, who kindly took him home. He wasn't even sure who she was.

Don't have children with this man. Don't stay with him. He'll ruin your life, one way or another.

OliviaBenson · 28/07/2019 06:47

He's telling you loud and clear that he doesn't think he has an issue and he won't stop.

For what it's worth it does sound like he is dependant and I would guess that he's over the recommended limits.

I'm the daughter of an alcoholic. He started like your partner- just a couple after work etc. The issue with dependency is it's not static and it gets worse.

This is who he is and he won't stop. You need to decide what you will do.

Don't have kids with him.

You should go to al-anon for advice.

Original poster
Jade218 · 28/07/2019 10:05

@RhymesWithOrange I drink Friday and Saturday probably two -three drinks in an evening which I think is reasonable.

I have a stressful job which is why I like to drink weekends as opposed to being t total.

Am I really the only person that has thought giving up alcohol for Nine months is a long time?

OP posts:
SuzieQQQ · 28/07/2019 10:47

Sounds like you’re blowing it out of proportion. You have a problem with him drinking but I’m not convince hasa problem

Chamomileteaplease · 28/07/2019 10:56

One of the things about drinking every day is that you never get to spend an evening with your partner when he is completely sober and "normal" which personally I feel is horrible.

The other thing is, as PPs have said it is likely to get worse not better. Has he drunk more since you've known him.

I agree with others that this is not going to end well.

Original poster
Jade218 · 28/07/2019 11:47

No it's always been the same amount since I met him.

He doesn't get drunk on the days he drinks he will have generally 1-2 Monday-Friday.

Weekends he will generally have 2-3

OP posts:
MyKingdomForACaramel · 28/07/2019 12:45

His drinking sounds fine - one glass of wine or beer a day to maybe two really isn’t that big a deal, but if you don’t like it then you’re probably not compatible

thetimekeeper · 28/07/2019 13:06

he has up to this point made me out to be mad, overreacting etc

Does he do this a lot or in response to anything else?

I don't think you're that odd or alone for feeling apprehensive about not drinking for the best part of a year if it's something that's habitual for you - otherwise people wouldn't make such a big deal about how difficult "dry January" is, would they?! Terrified is a pretty strong word, though. But is that because you think he'd be unsupportive?

Being dependent on alcohol isn't about how often you get drunk. If you can't relax without it then you're still dependent.

Original poster
Jade218 · 28/07/2019 13:32

@thetimekeeper yes I'm worried because I think he'll be unsupportive

OP posts:
SummerInSun · 28/07/2019 13:37

He's the one who says he doesn't have a problem. Challenge him to go a month - or even a week - without drinking and see if he can do it. If he can't or won't, that's a massive red flag. And should be to him, not only to you.

Arnoldthecat · 28/07/2019 13:43

I am male,,this sounds like a problem to me though it clearly isnt to him. Its his choice not yours. You only choice is s to whether to put up with it.

dreaming174 · 28/07/2019 13:45

Exact same situation except I'm almost 37 weeks pregnant. I think my husband has had 4 alcohol free days my entire pregnancy, and that was a couple of weeks ago when I told him I thought he'd developed a drinking problem and he wanted to prove a point. We both come from big drinking families, but having not drank for months, it's really started to bother me. It is really hard to watch someone else drinking everyday, and there are times when I have questioned how reliable he will be should I go into labour. I don't really know what to do about it to be honest.

Arnoldthecat · 28/07/2019 13:58

Indeed,,if they took a smoke of Heroin every day the alarm bells would go off big time..

thetimekeeper · 28/07/2019 14:15

I don't think you're overreacting.

I do think that calling you mad etc is something that should not be happening. It's not something you say to somebody you love or respect.

Have you thought about what you'll do if he refuses to act on your concerns?

thetimekeeper · 28/07/2019 14:18

@dreaming174 Surely only managing four days without drinking proves your point not his?

RhymesWithOrange · 28/07/2019 14:27

If you only have a couple of drinks at the weekend you shouldn't find it hard to get out of the habit. Many new parents find they are in no rush to start drinking again as babies and alcohol are not at all compatible!

But you are right to be worried about your partner. I can't see it ending well.

Chamomileteaplease · 28/07/2019 15:15

I think you have underestimated how many units he is drinking.

When you say one drink, or two or three, what are these drinks and how large are they? One pint of beer is about 3 units and a large glass of wine 3 too.

Cosentyx · 28/07/2019 16:38

No, I wouldn't see it as any big deal to go 9 months or more without drinking or a 'sacrifice' that I needed to be 'supported' in by another person not drinking. My life is extremely stressful but I could take or leave alcohol. I have a son with SN and tbh drinking and this don't mix - and the SN is forever, non curable so I have gone years without drinking at times, a healthy child is not guaranteed, you could 'sacrifice' far more than a few months without alcohol when you choose to procreate.

I think you're incompatible when it comes to this and he's fine with who he is and you either have to accept it or move on because he's not going to change and nagging or 'challenging^ him is not going to help at all. It never does. It's the same with smokers. They have to want to quit and never smoke again.

Cosentyx · 28/07/2019 16:39

My H is teetotal but he's never policed my drinking (which admittedly is a rare occasion).

CaptainSense · 29/07/2019 01:58

Hi @Jade218, so this appeared on my Google feed which is weird but perhaps Google is telling me I drink too much also as your DH drinking habits sound just like mine. Do I feel like I drink too much? Yes. Do I worry about drinking in front of my kids? Yes. Do I feel like I depend on a wine at the end of a day? Absolutely. But I consider myself an excellent parent despite the flaw.

A couple of comments here telling you not to have kids with this guy and that he will be a rubbish Dad and you should leave him are BS. You can't judge a person's capacity to parent by one character weakness. The honest truth is that every parent, including all the ones on here, have something that would have others tut tutting and finger pointing.

Even worse are the comments telling you that you're a bad person because you will be envious that he can drink while you can't!

What is really important when you have kids is being able to work on things as a team and making sacrifices. So I would be worrying less about the amount he is drinking, and more about whether he is willing to try and make a change. Make it achievable: 1 or 2 alcohol free days a week to being with. And don't stress if there are a few failures along the way either.

Good luck! I think I better have a few AFDs this week as well. Thanks Google.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.